“There’s nothing to forgive.” Geoff got up and knelt by Len’s chair, hugging the man who’d helped raise him. “What would he have had—a few more weeks of pain and suffering? Why should you treat him with less humanity than we’d treat one of the horses?” Geoff was crying as well, but he knew he had to get this out. “What you did showed love, real love, and I don’t know if I’d have had the strength to do what you did for him.”
“You don’t blame me?”
Geoff shook his head. “No, he died of cancer, pure and simple. If I need to blame anything, I’ll blame that.” Geoff handed Len a tissue.
Len wiped his eyes and blew his nose, “The death certificate will list the cause of death as cancer. Doc George said not to worry; he’d take care of it.”
“I just wish I could have talked to him one more time.” Geoff got up and sat back in the chair.
“During your last visit, he was still able to do things, to enjoy your company. That’s how you should remember him, as happy and vibrant and loving as he was then. Not what he was at the end.”
They both sat back, Geoff letting his mind digest what he’d just been told. Did he blame Len? No, he couldn’t. What he’d done was truly humane. Yes, he missed his dad very much, and probably would for some time to come, but for now, they had to get through the next few days of funeral home visits, funerals, and the obligatory grief buffet that would fill the kitchen with green bean casseroles and God knows what else.
“Len, didn’t you say we had an appointment at two?”
“Yeah.” Len looked tired, really tired.
“Then we should go.”
Len pushed himself to his feet, and they left the house, getting in Len’s truck. Geoff drove while Len rode in silence.
They spent the better part of the next few hours picking out a casket and working through the details of the funeral. The funeral director was so helpful, guiding them through the process. “Do you have anything special you’d like for the service?”
“Yes. Cliff had specifically requested that Geoff give the eulogy at the funeral. He didn’t want a minister to do it.”
Geoff was floored. Would he be able to give his own father’s eulogy?
“Is that what you want, young man?” The funeral director seemed surprised as well.
“Yes.” The thought of a stranger or someone who barely knew his dad giving the eulogy at his funeral didn’t seem right. “Yes… I’ll do it.”
Finally, all the arrangements were done, and they drove back to the house. Geoff was surprised to see a car parked by the house, but Len didn’t seem to be. Inside, Geoff was pleased to see Aunt Mari, his dad’s sister. She hugged him tight and then bustled around the house.
“Sit down, Mari, you’re making me nervous,” Geoff said.
She plopped herself on the sofa. “Are the arrangements done?”
“Yes. The visitation is tomorrow at six, and the funeral’s on Thursday at four.”
“Did Cliff have a will?”
Len nodded slowly. “Yes, so there’re no issues there. We just need to make it through the next few days.”
Geoff stood up, tired of sitting and moping. “Len, come on, let’s go for a ride. I think we need to clear our heads.” He turned to his aunt. “We’ll be back later.”
“I’ll manage things here.” She would, too. Aunt Mari was special. His dad had two other sisters, who were both primo bitches, and they’d show up eventually, but Mari could handle them just fine.
Geoff and Len walked together to the barn, seeing majestic heads peeking out from their stalls. Geoff got treats for each of them, patting noses and saying hello. The last stall was the hardest. That was where Kirkpatrick, his father’s horse, was stabled. Geoff patted his nose and gave him a couple of carrots. “You want to go for a ride, boy?” Besides his dad, Geoff was the only other person he’d ever allowed on his back.
“I’ll saddle him for you.” Geoff turned around and saw one of the grooms standing at the door with Kirk’s blanket, saddle, and tack.
“Thank you—”
“Joey,” the young man supplied. He stepped forward after setting the blanket and saddle on the top of the stall and started brushing the horse. “He just loves to be brushed.” Kirk really seemed to move into Joey’s strokes. The groom’s movements were practiced and efficient, and soon the horse was groomed, saddled, and ready for their ride.
After thanking the young man, Geoff led Kirk out into the yard as Len was leading his own horse out of the barn.
“Let’s ride to the river,” Len called, mounting his chestnut gelding. Geoff waved his agreement and mounted his father’s jet-black stallion, and they took off around the barn and out across the pasture.
Geoff felt free and light as they rode. As a child, this was where he’d been happiest. In the safety of the pasture, he gave Kirk his head and let him run, the wind whipping his hair and shirt as the powerful animal shot across the pasture. Some of the sorrow from earlier in the day dissipated and his spirit began to soar along with Kirk’s.
As they approached the far side of the meadow, he reined the horse in. Kirk began to slow to a canter and finally a walk. “You’re such a good boy, you know that?” Geoff patted the horse’s neck as he waited for Len.
“That felt good,” Geoff said.
“I bet it did.” Len was smiling a little as well. “He’d want us to be happy.”
“I know; I’m just finding it hard right now.”
“Come on. I have something to show you.” Len led the way down the wooded trail that led to the river, winding beneath tall trees and around shrubs and brush. When they reached the water, he guided them down a small path for about fifty feet and then stopped, getting off his horse. “This is it.”
Geoff looked around. The water was sending sparkles of light across the leaves. “Is this where you and dad—?”
“Yes. This is where he and I had a lot of firsts, and where he and I came to talk when we didn’t want little ears to hear.” Len looked around. “I can feel him; it’s like he’s here with me.” He shook away his grief and looked at Geoff, a very serious expression on his face. “You have a decision you need to make. Your father put the land, farm, and all of the accounts in both his and your names about five years ago.” Geoff started to say something, but Len stopped him. “They are yours now, and you have a decision to make. You could sell them—and they’d bring in a great deal of money—but then they’d be gone, along with your heritage. This land was your great-grandfather’s, and now it’s yours.”
“Is that what you brought me here to tell me?”
“No. I brought you here to tell you that I can tell you’re not happy. And don’t think for a minute that we both didn’t know you were sleeping with every man who came along.”
Geoff became indignant. “How…?”
Len silenced him. “I know what that’s like because I did it before I met your father. It’s hollow, lonely, and deeply unsatisfying, particularly when compared with waking next to someone you love.” Geoff’s anger deflated as he heard the truth in what Len was saying. “I know you like your job, but does it compare to riding Kirk across the pasture like you just did?” Geoff had the feeling that Len was searching for something in his face. “Your father wanted you to carry on here; he just didn’t expect it to be so soon. Neither of us did.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
Len stepped forward, embracing him tightly. “You don’t have to say anything now. You just have to decide what it is you really want.”
“But I’m an accountant.”
Len laughed, really laughed, for the first time since Geoff had arrived. “And this is primarily a business, and a very successful one, I might add.” Geoff had never thought of it that way—to him it was just home. “Come on, we need to get back before the vultures start circling your aunt.”
“Go on, I’ll be along in a minute,” Geoff said.
Len mounted and headed back down the trail, leaving Geoff al
one with his thoughts. “Well, Kirk, what do you think?” The horse bobbed and shook his head. “Yeah, me too.” Geoff remounted, and they walked back to the farm. As soon as they hit the pasture, Kirk took off again, and Geoff urged him on.
They were both breathing heavily when he led Kirk back to his stall. Geoff removed the saddle and brushed the horse down again, making sure he had water and oats before putting the tack away. Joey was in the tack room, cleaning up and making sure everything was in order. “How long have you worked here?” Geoff asked.
Joey turned around, startled. “Um… just a month or so. Len is teaching me how to ride in exchange for working in the barn.”
“I’m Geoff.” He extended his hand and the younger man took it, “It’s good to meet you.”
“I’m sorry about your dad. He was a real nice man.”
“Thanks. Are you almost done here?”
“Yeah, I was just finishing up.”
“Then why don’t you come up to the house and have some dinner? I’m sure there’s enough for an army.”
“Thanks. I just need to finish here first. Len asked me to clean up the tack room.”
Geoff remembered that same energy in himself when he was learning to ride and how his own world had revolved around Len.
“Okay, but don’t be too long.” Geoff walked back to the house, the peace and quiet sinking back into his soul. Too bad Dad had to die for me to realize how much this place means to me. Geoff again pushed the grief aside as he climbed the steps to the porch and went inside.
The house was in an uproar. His dad’s other two sisters, Janelle and Victoria, had arrived, and they were buzzing through the house. Len was sitting in his chair, obviously tired and definitely overwhelmed. “Geoff!” His Aunt Vicki gave him a dainty hug and then bustled back into the kitchen.
His Aunt Janelle came down the stairs carrying a bag that was obviously quite full. “Geoff.” She continued down the stairs, putting the bag by the door before giving him a hug. Len wasn’t paying attention, and Geoff saw the look of grief on his face.
“What’s in there?” Geoff pointed to the bag by the door.
“Nothing important.”
Geoff sighed and walked to the door, picking up the bag and emptying the contents on the sofa. Just as he thought, it was his great-grandmother’s quilt. His aunt and his dad had had a running fight over that for as long as he could remember.
He picked up the quilt and handed it to her. “Put it back.”
Her eyes widened and then softened into tears. “Your father said that it was—”
Geoff started to smile and then laugh. “Quit the crocodile tears and put it back.” He handed it back to her and watched as she marched up the stairs and came down a few minutes later empty-handed. “If you want something, ask, and I’ll consider it.” She actually opened her mouth to say something and then closed it again.
Without another word, Geoff went into the kitchen and found his Aunt Mari making dinner. “Thank you.” He kissed her softly on the cheek.
“How many are there for dinner?” He could see the hope in her eyes.
Geoff smirked. “Four. Joey will be joining us when he’s done in the tack room.”
“What about them?” She motioned toward where her sisters were sitting in the living room. Geoff shook his head. He needed peace, and so did Len. They were enough to make him sell the farm and send him running back to Chicago with a look of glee on his face. His father had always tolerated his older sisters, but Geoff had never liked them.
Mari smiled and started setting the table, and Geoff went into the living room, his two aunts glaring at him and Len sitting miserable in his chair.
“Len, dinner will be ready in a few minutes.” Without waiting for a response, he went to the closet and got his aunts’ jackets. “Thank you for coming,” He kissed each of them on the cheek. “We’ll see you tomorrow.” He helped them into their jackets, and they left quietly.
Len sat up and slapped his knee. “God damn it! I’ve been trying to figure out how to get those bitches to leave for twenty years.” Len then settled back in his chair, looking a little more at ease. “You know you haven’t heard the last of it.”
“I know, but it felt good. She’s always….” Geoff could never put his finger on it, but his Aunt Janelle had always seemed false. Oh, she said and did the right things, but there was something cold behind those eyes.
“I used to think she hated us for being gay, but now I’m not so sure. I think it may be that she couldn’t stand the fact that Cliff and I found happiness together, ’cause Lord knows, she never could.” Len shook his head. “Don’t know why your Aunt Vicki puts up with her, but they’ve always been thick as thieves.”
Janelle had never married, and Geoff thought it was because no one could stand her that long. But his Aunt Vicki was generally a sweet person, and as long as Janelle wasn’t around, she was wonderful. However, the minute Janelle showed up, Vicki turned into a bitch. He couldn’t help wondering how Uncle Dan and his two cousins, Jill and Christopher, could stand it.
Joey came in a few minutes later, breaking him out of thoughts about his family, thank God, and they washed up and got ready for dinner, talking about horses and everything else but Geoff’s dad as they ate.
Len commented between bites, “So it sounds like you’ve decided.” Geoff looked across the table, and he could swear on a stack of bibles that he saw Len smirk like he’d known it all the time.
“Yes.” Geoff got up and carried his dishes to the sink. “I’m moving back here. This is home.”
Chapter 3
TWO WEEKS later, Geoff had loaded all his things into the back of a truck he’d brought from the farm. Thank God it hadn’t rained. His father’s funeral had gone well, with a lot of tears and even more reminiscing and wandering down memory lane. Geoff had indeed given the eulogy and found he’d reduced most of the people in the church to tears. Thankfully, he’d managed to stave off his own until he was done speaking. Then he’d taken his seat next to Len and cried on his shoulder.
A few days later, he’d returned to Chicago to resign from his employment and empty out his apartment. Mr. Vain had been surprised and even hinted that he’d like to get together with Geoff again, but Geoff dismissed him offhand and spent the better part of the last two weeks turning his work over to others.
Raine had been disappointed that Geoff was leaving, but he’d taken it in stride.
“You could always come with me,” Geoff said.
Raine had scoffed, “What am I going to do on a farm?” Then they’d both laughed and arranged to go for a drink one last time before Geoff left town. They’d had a good friendship, and Geoff made Raine promise he’d come for a visit.
The drive back to the farm was pleasant, and Geoff rode contentedly, the windows open and music on the radio. He arrived just before noon and pulled in the drive. The house was quiet with Len out working, so Geoff unloaded what he could, figuring they could get the rest later. When Len arrived, Geoff had lunch ready and waiting.
“What are you doing the rest of the day?” Len quizzed as he sat down.
“Unloading the truck and then working with the horses. I want to get that stall ready for Princess; she should be just about ready to foal, unless she did it while I was gone.”
“Nope, she looks like she’ll be ready in the next few days. The boys and I’ll be in the west pasture riding fences. I want to move a hundred head in there.” They sat down and started eating. “How did it go with your job and this Raine?”
“The job was easy enough, but Raine was much harder to leave. He’s the best friend I’ve had in a long time.” Geoff continued eating quickly; he had plenty to do and wanted to get it done. “Tonight I thought I’d look at the books, get familiar with them.” Before he left he’d learned that the farm employed three men full time and a few part-timers who helped with general chores, like cleaning stalls and bringing in hay.
“Could you do that tomorrow? I have somethi
ng I need to talk to you about tonight,” Len requested.
“Sure.” Geoff took his and Len’s dishes to the sink. “I’ll get those later.”
Geoff went back outside to finish unloading the truck. Once he had everything inside, he drove the truck to the barn and got to work preparing the largest stall for the impending birth. Once he was done, he cleaned out a few other stalls, watered all the horses, and filled their mangers with hay and some oats. Joey arrived as he was finishing up and brought more hay from the loft and swept the barn floor.
“Join us for dinner, Joey?”
“I can’t tonight. Mom’s planning a special dinner for my birthday.” He seemed so excited.
“Then get home and start celebrating!” Geoff scooted him out of the barn and watched as he ran to his bike and took off home. Len and the men were all heading toward the house, and Geoff wondered what was going on until he remembered it was Friday, the night of Len’s weekly poker game.
The weekly poker game had been a tradition on the farm… forever. Geoff could remember as a kid sitting next to Len, watching him play, learning from him the entire time.
“Geoffy… you gonna come and get your ass whupped at cards?” one of the men called out.
“I’ll be in soon!” he called back, smiling. Fred had always called him Geoffy—he was the only person on Earth who got away with it. It was nice to be home. The city had been fun, but these people cared about him, had known him most of his life.
But things were different now. Before, his dad had been the boss. He was the one making the tough decisions, and Geoff hadn’t really been involved and hadn’t had to worry about the consequences. Now, Geoff was the boss, and everyone on the farm was going to look to him to make decisions.
It made him nervous. Granted, he had Len for advice and help, but the farm, the animals, and the people who worked there depended on it for their livelihood; they were his responsibility now.
“Jesus, what am I going to do?” The enormity of what he’d taken on hit him all at once. He leaned against the side of the barn and forced breath into his lungs. “Take it one step at a time. That’s what dad would say.” He took another deep breath, “Fuck and Christ, now I’m talking to myself. Get your head on straight and don’t be a baby. You grew up here. You know what to do.” The sense of panic started to subside, and he breathed easier.
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