by M. J. Haag
Her words made me feel small and narrow-minded. Rather than trying to defend my choices, I kept quiet and hurried through the rest of the dishes.
When we finished, I said goodnight and went upstairs. I found Lilly sitting on the edge of her twin bed, already wearing the pajamas I’d put out for her.
“Hey, Lilly-bean. I thought I’d find you playing with the toys.”
She shook her head.
“It’s too quiet and dark out.”
“I understand.” I sat beside her and hugged her to my side. “Did you have fun today?”
“Yes. A lot. Timmy was loud, and Byllo didn’t tell him to be quiet. And Savvy cried lots.”
“What about with Miss Julie? Did you like spending time with her?”
“Yes. She’s nice.” Lilly rubbed her head against me. “Are you going to find Daddy and Caden?”
“I’m going to try.”
“I’ll miss you.”
“I’m going to miss you, too. So much.”
She pulled away to crawl under the comforter.
“I’m going to go change and brush my teeth. Will you be okay?”
She nodded.
I left the room with the pajamas Julie had loaned me and hurried through getting ready for bed. When I stepped out of the bathroom in a simple long t-shirt, it felt weird without all the layers.
Lilly watched me turn off the light and moved over so I could slide in next to her. Lying in the twin bed with Lilly was cozy. But, we both held still in the dark. I strained to hear anything beyond the sounds of our breathing and the swish of the washing machine downstairs. Several heartbeats passed before Lilly turned her head toward me.
“I don’t hear anything, Mommy.”
“Me neither. It’s nice, isn’t it?”
“No. It’s scary.”
“Only because we aren’t used to it. Nothing has ever gotten through the wall here. Miss Julie told me.”
She looked toward the window then quickly slipped out of bed. I watched her pull back the curtain and stare outside for a moment.
“He won’t let anything get us,” she said, dropping the curtain back into place.
She climbed over me and nestled in under the blankets once more.
“He?”
“Yeah. The man outside. The one who gave me the bead.”
“Kerr?”
I got out of bed and went to the window. Across the street, a fey stood on the shoveled sidewalk. From this distance, I couldn’t tell who it was in the dim light.
“How do you know it’s him?” I asked.
“Because it is.”
The figure turned from his study of the yards around us and looked up at the window. In that moment, I knew Lilly was right. I still couldn’t clearly see his face, but something in the way he held himself gave it away.
It was Kerr standing out there. But why?
I let the curtain drop back in place and chewed my lip for a moment while mentally replaying my conversation with Julie. He needed to know I wasn’t interested. Besides, having him lurk outside the house was creepy.
“Stay here,” I said to Lilly.
I ran into Julie in the hall just as she was coming upstairs.
“Everything okay?”
“Kerr’s outside. I need to talk to him like you said.”
“It might be for the best,” she said with a nod. “I’ll sit with Lilly until you get back. Just so she’s not afraid on her first night here.”
“Thank you, Julie. For everything.”
“Oh, it’s no problem.”
I jogged down the stairs and quickly tossed on my coat and shoes. My toes curled at the no-sock, direct contact. I didn’t want to go back upstairs, though. If I did, I might not come back down.
A cold swirl of air encased my legs as I opened the door and stepped outside.
Kerr saw me and jogged across the street. I stepped away from the front door to meet him on the sidewalk.
“Why are you out here?” His gaze swept over me, lingering on my bare legs.
Why was I wishing I’d shaved? No one shaved their legs anymore. There wasn’t any point. Yet, under his close scrutiny, I was beginning to think there might be.
“I was going to ask you the same thing. Why are you standing outside, Kerr?”
“You wanted to feel safe again.”
I looked down the street, noticing other shadows moving.
“You’re not the only one out here.”
“No. The others are guarding the walls.”
“And you’re guarding me?”
“Yes. It’s too cold for you out here. Go back inside. You’re safe.”
I shivered but didn’t turn around.
“Kerr, if you’re doing this because you want me to hook up with you, I don’t want you to get your hopes up. My priorities are keeping my kids safe and healthy. That’s it.” I shook my head. “I’m just not able to do more than that.”
“I know. You still wear his ring.”
He stepped closer, crowding into my personal space. His arms closed around me. This time, when he lifted me, his hands were on the bare skin of my legs. Heat radiated off of him. I shivered and looked up into his eyes.
“After we find him, you can remove your ring and be free to choose again.”
His fingers caressed my skin a moment before he set me down again. When he leaned forward, I retreated a step, eyes wide and heart hammering. He followed, reaching around me. I stepped back again, an odd mixture of fear and excitement tumbling together in my belly.
“We will speak more tomorrow,” he said.
The door clicked open behind me. It was only then that I realized he’d placed me on the stoop.
“Sleep well, and know you are safe.”
He gently guided me inside then closed the door.
I stood there and stared blankly at the floor before quickly shedding the coat and shoes and bolting upstairs.
“How did it go?” Julie asked when I entered the bedroom.
“I think I made it worse.”
“Yeah, not wearing pants probably gave him mixed signals.”
I swore under my breath as she grinned and left the room. I couldn’t help but wonder what in the hell I’d say to Kerr tomorrow.
Chapter Eight
I woke up alone. For one terrifying moment, I thought someone had taken Lilly away from me, and I sat up in a rush. Over the thundering of my heart, I heard her childish voice coming from down the hall.
Sliding from bed, I followed the sound. Lilly was standing still in front of the bathroom mirror, watching as Julie braided her hair.
Julie looked up and smiled.
“Good morning. Did you sleep well?”
“Very. The best night’s sleep in a long time. What time did Lilly get up?”
“Just a bit ago.”
“I had pancakes, Mommy.”
“There are still some on the table for you,” Julie said. “I thought we’d let you sleep in.”
“Thank you.”
“Miss Julie said I can spend today with her and Timmy if it’s okay with you. Can I, Mommy? Please?”
I met my daughter’s eyes in the mirror.
“All right. While you play, I’ll explore a bit. How about I check in at—
“Dinner?” Julie suggested.
Yesterday had been a great test run for Lilly. She’d had fun and had done just fine without me around. It made sense to try for a longer period today. After all, she and I only had another day or two together before I had to leave for almost a week.
“You’re okay spending the day with Miss Julie?” I asked.
“Yep.”
“Have fun and be a good girl, okay?”
“I will, Mommy. I love you.”
I kissed the top of her head and quietly went back to the bedroom.
Dressing in the same clothes as the day before, I considered what to do with myself for the day. One of the girls last night had mentioned a shed they used to store all the extra sup
plies. Perhaps I could check that out and compare what I found to the list of what was needed.
Content with the start of my plans, I went downstairs.
Julie and Lilly were already bundling up by the door.
“It snowed last night, Mommy,” Lilly said with a smile. “We’re going to make angels.”
“That sounds really fun.”
“While you’re out exploring, you might want to look at the unclaimed houses. You can pick which one you’d like to call your own,” Julie said. “That way, we’ll have it all cleaned out and painted for you when you return.”
“Sure. I’ll take a look.”
Lilly waved goodbye, and I was left alone in Julie’s kitchen. I helped myself to a few pancakes with syrup and considered having my own home again. The prospect was scary. Mostly it was just the idea of being alone. I liked the idea of having heat and walls again, though.
But first, I had to leave. I took a bite of pancake and wondered what I’d need for the trip. The hunting party already out was due back tomorrow, so I needed to start packing enough food to last a week. I hurried through my pancakes and glass of milk, which was a pleasant treat, and bundled up to find the supply shed.
This time when I saw Kerr standing in the back yard, waiting for me, I didn’t mind.
“Hey, Kerr. Can you show me where the supply shed is?”
“Good morning, Cassie.”
The way he said the greeting, like he’d just rolled over in bed, made my insides shiver. I studied him for a moment, noting he’d changed clothes from the night before and how the dark jacket he now wore pulled snugly across his chest with his arms crossed. My mouth went a little dry at the display.
“Hey. Yah. Good morning.”
I looked away before I started to blush. Kerr was sure built to last. All of the fey were. I rubbed my small arms and tried not to think how weak I was in comparison.
“Did you eat breakfast already?” he asked.
“I just finished some pancakes Julie left for me. About the storage shed? I’m hoping that I can pack up some supplies for tomorrow so I can spend some time with Lilly later.”
“You will not need supplies. Everything you need, we will gather along the way.”
“Oh.” He’d just shot my plans for the day. I wondered what I was supposed to do next and remembered Julie’s suggestion.
“Julie thought I should look at the houses. Do you know which ones aren’t taken?”
“Yes. I will show you.”
He led the way around to the front of the house. Together, we walked along the shoveled sidewalk.
“Who takes care of all the snow?” I asked.
“We do. Those of us who guard the walls at night. I cleared these since I was here last night.”
“About that. You really don’t need to stand outside Julie’s house all night. I appreciate the gesture, but I know it’s safe here.”
“Do you?”
His quiet question gave me pause. I looked around at the yards and realized my gaze still searched for infected shambling around in the shadows. As much as I wanted to feel safe in Tolerance, I couldn’t let myself relax. I didn’t see that being a bad thing, though. People who let their guard down died.
“So, how do you know which houses are unclaimed?” I asked, changing the subject.
“The mailboxes,” he said. “The ones with the flags up are unclaimed.”
We didn’t pass many with the flags up.
“I know where Mya and Drav live and, obviously, Julie. But where do the other humans live?”
“They all have houses, here, in the center. Some of them share houses. They feel safer together.”
“What about you guys? Do you share houses?”
“No. Many of us have claimed our own houses.”
“Fey don’t like living with each other?” I asked.
“We all hope to find our own females and have made our houses ready.”
I looked at the homes around me. They all looked very similar which was normal for subdivisions. Nothing stood out to signal which houses were ready for a fey insta-family.
“What do you mean by ready?”
“I will show you.”
I followed him down the block to a quaint stone and wood home done in greys and blues. He walked up to the front door and opened it.
“Whose house is this?”
“This is my home.”
I stepped inside. There wasn’t much to the modest living room. A sofa and a chair and a television. The walls were bare of any pictures, and the room smelled faintly of fresh paint.
Kerr pulled off his leather boots and went to the kitchen. I kicked off my shoes and followed.
One by one, he opened the cupboards. Food filled each storage space. Boxes and boxes of cheesy noodle dinners and cans of chicken and tuna. One cupboard had two shelves full of vegetables as well.
I’d seen Whiteman’s supply room in the hangar and knew the fey had been giving plenty to the survivors there as well. But, the sheer amount of what they had to be collecting stunned me.
“That’s a lot of food,” I said.
“Humans feel safer when there is plenty to eat.”
He closed the doors then went in the direction of the laundry room. He opened the storage closet to show me little stacks of towels and several sets of feminine clothes. I reached out and looked at the sizes. They were all within the range of what I wore.
I stepped back, and he closed the cupboard and studied me.
“How long have you been collecting things?” I asked.
“Since we moved to Tolerance.”
That wasn’t long after they arrived at Whiteman. A week maybe two. That meant he had been collecting things for close to a month. The food made sense. The clothes, though? All about the same size?
“Were you collecting the clothes for a particular person?” I asked the question even though I really didn’t want to hear the answer.
“Yes.”
The way he looked at me made it clear who he hoped would move in with him.
“Kerr, I meant what I said last night. I can’t think about a new relationship right now.”
“I understand. I can think of nothing else, though.”
My stomach did an odd swan-dive to my toes at the heat in his gaze. He didn’t make a move to touch me or say anything more. However, I still felt the need to run.
“I think I should get going.” I hated that I was retreating but didn’t know what else to do. Reaching out and touching him sure wasn’t an option, no matter how much my fingers twitched to do just that.
“Where will you go?” he asked.
He had me there. There wasn’t anywhere to go in Tolerance. And nothing to keep me busy.
“Are Merdon and Thallirin still here?” I asked hopefully.
“No. They left this morning. Merdon’s leg is healing well.”
Damn.
“Fine. You’re right. There’s nowhere to go. And, I honestly have no idea what I’m supposed to do with myself. You’re saying there’s nothing to pack. And Julie wants to keep Lilly to herself today, as a test run, to make sure Lilly won’t miss me too much while I’m gone.”
He considered me for a moment.
“Would you like to watch a movie?” he asked.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea. I don’t want to give you the impression that I’m caving in. I don’t want a man in my life, Kerr. The last one caused me nothing but heartache.”
“He was human. I am fey and will cause you no heartache.”
“How can you say that? You don’t even know me or what would break my heart.”
“I know what motivates you. You said that was the most important thing.”
It would have been easy to get annoyed with him if he were being sarcastic. Instead, his tone and his expression conveyed his sincerity and his confusion. He didn’t just want me. He wanted to be what I needed. It was so sweet, and I felt a moment of pity for him.
“You’d be
far better off going after one of the single girls here. Someone like Hannah, who doesn’t have kids. I’m a complex package, Kerr. You don’t want that.”
“I know what I want. I’ve known since the moment I saw you arguing with Matt Davis the day after we arrived. You did not back down, and you walked away angry. Your red hair was tied back in a ponytail.”
He reached out and gently touched my hair before dropping his hand. My insides did a funny dance that I hadn’t felt for years.
“Your determination and anger caught my attention. The way you spoke to the other humans and tried to help even when you were so angry kept my attention.”
“Most men would be turned off by displays of anger.”
“I am not most men.”
No, he wasn’t. And that was part of the problem.
“You’re putting me in a tough position, Kerr. I’m telling you no, and you keep telling me yes. What am I supposed to do with that?”
“Be patient. Focus on finding your son and husband. Trust that I will keep you safe. Trust that I will help you remove that ring.”
I couldn’t believe his level of tenacity. There was no arguing with his complete certainty that he wanted me. Retreat was definitely the wisest course.
“Thank you for showing me your home. I think I’d like to spend the rest of today with Lilly.”
I walked out the door and didn’t look back.
It took a while, but I found Julie and Lilly by following the sound of childish laughter. They were in the backyard of another house along with Jessie, Timmy, and Savvy.
“Hey guys,” I called. “Do you have room for one more?” The children stopped moving their arms and legs to look up at me from their positions in the snow. Several fey were standing further away, watching their antics.
Julie smiled and stood from her seat on the patio furniture.
“We weren’t expecting to see you until after dinner,” she said, walking toward me.
“I know. Turns out there isn’t so much to do here. I thought I’d come hang out with you and Lilly.” I waved at Lilly.
“See if you can teach Byllo how to make a snow angel,” Julie called to the children.
Lilly and Timmy squealed and jumped up to get the big man who stood nearby. When Julie looked at me again, I could tell by the slight change in her expression that something was wrong. She kept her smile in place as she hooked her arm through mine and led me toward the front of the house.