The Winemaker's Dinner: Dessert (The Winemaker's Feast)

by Rusilko, Dr. Ivan

  He said nothing for a moment. Then sighed. “What?”

  “I want you to talk to me like what I did to you mattered. Be pissed at me—be furious with me—but don’t be indifferent. I don’t want you to diffuse the situation with humor. Be mad for once in your life! But talk to me. I’ve made mistakes, but I deserve that.” The words boiled out from a place in her she didn’t know existed.

  Removing his sunglasses, he tilted his head and did as she asked. “Okay. Do you want me to tell you I hate who I’ve become since we broke up? That I’ve done things to get over you that I never thought I was capable of and I’m disgusted with myself for living that way?”

  Jaden opened her mouth to speak, but then closed it again.

  “Or how about the fact that no matter how much of myself I devoted to you—no! fuck it!—to us, no matter that I always had the best for you in mind, that wasn’t worth any more to you than a goddamn drunken failed tryst with a person you claimed to hate. And yet you couldn’t stay away from him! And months later, even after all the shit hit the fan, you couldn’t resist the opportunity to promote yourself by taking a flirty, sexy picture with him right here in my town where you knew I’d be sure to see it? Being famous is obviously way more important to you than your self respect, or any respect you might have had for me. Which of these options, Jaden?” He paused, glaring at her in a way he had never before. “Which one would you like me to start with? Please pick.”

  She sat stunned—stunned that he’d taken her up on truly expressing himself, and stunned at the things he had said. Certainly nothing could justify her mistakes and the ways she’d hurt him, but what did he mean she had no self respect? Did he have any idea how hard she’d worked and what a ridiculously high-pressure business television had turned out to be? Didn’t he remember how his own career had demanded more and more of his attention just when she needed him most? Perhaps he didn’t. Of course he didn’t, because he’d refused to talk to her for months! But still, her heart cracked wide open for him. He was so obviously in pain. “Ivan, I—”

  He didn’t let her finish, just resumed his heartbroken tirade. That seemed to be what he needed. To get it all out. She could do that for him.

  “You know, all you had to do was be honest,” he spat. “Is that so hard? I told you that from the beginning. Honesty is all I need to make a relationship work—even from a distance. I should have learned my lesson the first time, but never in a million years did I think I’d repeat that history with you. The same freaking story—word for word, if you can believe it, which kind of makes me King of the Hopeless, doesn’t it?” He shook his head miserably. “Let me guess, you started to wonder…What’s he doing? Is he being faithful? Am I missing out on life?”

  Jaden tried again. “Ivan, yes, I—”

  “Don’t get me wrong, those are all good arguments, but I thought you were above that,” he continued, cutting her off again. “I thought I’d proved at least my loyalty to you. I thought after everything we’d shared—my God, after Napa and our conversation in the vineyard?—that you could come to me. Would it have been that awful, Jaden? Would it be so goddamn scary to say, ‘Hey, I’m not feeling so good about this right now, and I need you to tell me I’m a nut job.’ Maybe it is my fault, I don’t know. But the grass is always going to be greener, you know? I think maybe you’re not the kind of person you seemed to be.”

  Finally seeming spent, he turned away from her to stare into the ocean.

  Jaden took a breath and searched for where to begin. “Ivan—”

  “I’m not finished,” he snapped.

  She blinked back at him, tears of sadness and frustration now flowing down her cheeks.

  His tone downshifted a notch. “Why couldn’t you have been honest with me? Told me what happened? Told me before we had sex in Colorado? And please know that I know you and Damian didn’t have sex. I know the whole story. I know more than I think even you know.”

  Her eyes widened. “How?”

  “It’s never fun listening to another man talk about manipulating someone you love. Especially him.” He dropped his head and shook it.

  “Ivan, I wanted to tell you. I don’t know why I didn’t. I was just so scared of losing you. I felt like I was losing myself, and I couldn’t bear to risk you too.”

  “You not telling me is exactly why you lost me. Sure, if you had come to me and told me you made a drunken mistake, I would have been furious. But, I loved you enough that we could have worked through it over time. That would have shown me you were committed to making things right. Shit happens. Trust me, I get it. The fact that you hid it is what breaks me.”

  The tears increased as the whole horrid mess with Damian washed over her again. They sat silently together until she sighed.

  “I mean, God—Damian of all people!” he said, rolling his eyes dramatically. “I didn’t know you were in to the feminine bad boy type.” He poked her in the ribs, eliciting a sad, half-hearted giggle.

  “Shut up, you ass,” she managed, still struggling to collect herself. She wiped the back of her hand across her cheeks and took a deep breath. “About that night—”

  “Stop. I know, Jaden. I know the whole thing. I heard it from the devil’s lips himself. I don’t need to hear it again. So please don’t. I’ve had enough for one day. You have no idea.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “It isn’t important. Look, I get it, though. Trust me. New city, different people, the world at your feet—it can be a crazy situation. I’m guessing thoughts of what I might be doing out here, as well as what you weren’t doing there helped fuel the fire that led to everything going up in flames. I swear, word for word, scene for scene, it’s the same story I lived with Irena. This is why I was so convinced about not doing the long-distance thing. It’s okay at first, but it eats away at your confidence in yourself and the relationship until there’s a tipping point. It took me forever to even want to think about who she was again. But surprisingly…”

  Ivan paused, almost as if he were trying to figure out what to say or not say. “Surprisingly, here I am, sitting here with you, and so soon after such a disastrous end. I hope you can see how hard this is for me. What I became after you was something I never wanted to be.”

  “But I’m not her,” Jaden said softly, unsure of what his hesitation hinted at. “I know you don’t want to relive it, but if you’d just let me talk to you about what happened…You do understand a great deal of it—it’s amazing how well you know me—but you don’t know everything about me. I can tell you don’t because you left the other morning without even a word.”

  He sighed, and after a moment she felt his hand begin to rub her back. “I wish I felt differently, but I have to protect myself.”

  “You won’t have me,” she sobbed while staring at the sand.

  “Jaden.” He lifted her chin. “I wish like hell I could. You pulled a trigger on my heart, and it has taken everything I have to recover from it. I’m just now getting back to where I was before I met you, and I fear I’ll never ever be the man I was with you, and that kills me. But I can’t risk you pulling the trigger again. It would end me…I just can’t.”

  She looked up at him through tear-blurred eyes. “This can’t be what you want.”

  “For now, Jaden, it is.”

  She looked down at the sand again, and in that moment, something shifted inside her. The gaping wound of her need for him began to knit itself together. It would be a magnificent scar, but it was time to give him what he’d asked for—time to heal. “Just please know, I am so sorry. I never imagined any of this happening to us.”

  “Please don’t, Jaden. I know that you’re sorry. I’m working through it, as are you.”

  He took her hand for a moment and gave her a sad smile. The smell of the sea air mixed with his scent and imprinted itself on her senses. She would long remember this day—the day her destiny had changed, whether she believed they belonged together or not.

  “So that’s it?
” she murmured.

  “Jaden, nothing is over. It’s just changed. What we had was special, and it’s ours forever.”

  He moved his hands to her cheeks and looked into her eyes. “Don’t cry because it’s over…” He brought his lips to hers ever so softly, and they shared their final taste—the end of a voyage that had taken them from the beaches of Miami to the backwoods of Pennsylvania to the mountains of Colorado.

  As their last kiss broke, she finished his sentence. “Smile because it happened.”

  Chapter 23

  “Soul to Squeeze”

  JADEN SPENT THE FIRST COUPLE OF POST-TALK DAYS in ugly, oversized clothes, holed up in her apartment, surviving on crappy Chinese takeout and wine. She didn’t answer her phone when it rang, but managed to peck out text replies when she wasn’t being held hostage by bad reality TV. Sure, she could have changed the channel, but that would have required her to give a shit, and lying brokenhearted and comatose on the couch in a lo-mein haze, she didn’t. Then on the third day, she shed the sad clothes, took a shower, and pulled herself together.

  Jaden wanted to shop, have a mani and a pedi, and eat something other than cold Chinese noodles. Tasha wanted a rundown on the latest details of her best friend’s doomed romantic life: from the alley to the beach. A trip to Lincoln Road was in order.

  The girls shopped and chatted as they walked the length of the outdoor mall from Washington Avenue to Alton Road and halfway back again. Jaden was amazed that she actually felt human. It felt good to see the sun.

  “I’m hungry. Are you hungry?” Tasha stopped in front of Serendipity 3 and began reading the menu board. “I hear they have a great happy hour.”

  “And a sundae the size of my head,” Jaden said with a laugh. No matter how tempting a chocolate sundae the size of her head might have been, after her cruddy MSG-laced diet of the last few days, she needed real, fresh food. “I’m past that stage of mourning, but thanks.”

  “Damn,” Tasha cursed. “I was willing to blow my diet in your time of need, girl.”

  Jaden looked over the top of her sunglasses and smiled. “Nice to know your sacrifice has no limits.”

  “That’s the kind of friend I am.” Tasha looped her arm through Jaden’s and pushed them forward down the mall.

  They finally picked a healthier restaurant and snagged an outside table under blue umbrellas that provided the best people-watching views. While they waited for their salads and wine, Tasha launched into a colorful commentary about the passersby. This girls’ day out was exactly what Jaden needed to pull herself out of her funk.

  About halfway through the meal, her phone rang. 818. The area code had become synonymous with the career she’d thought she wanted and her life’s romantic destruction. Without much enthusiasm, Jaden took the call.

  “Hello?”

  “Jaden, darling, how are you?”

  Kevin’s voice was almost too much for her. “I’m doing all right. Thank you.” She kept her voice pleasant, her answers brief.

  “Fabulous. I wanted to call you personally with some great news. They’re filming a new movie in Miami starting next week, and I’ve been contacted to see if you would plan and cook a private dinner for the directors, producers, and stars of the movie at your beloved Bianca.”

  She opened her mouth to formulate a response, but Kevin forged ahead. What was it with men not letting her talk?

  “Of course I said yes!” he continued. “I knew you’d understand the importance of such an event. This could be a huge opportunity for you—a chance to be introduced to some A-listers and maybe garner some connections beyond television, and beyond food, for that matter.”

  The news and the rush of adrenaline that accompanied it placed a genuine smile on her face for the first time in days. “Wow, Kevin. What a fantastic honor. I’m thrilled!”

  “What is it?” Tasha whispered from across the table.

  Jaden held up a finger and mouthed one second. “Do you have the details?” she asked Kevin. “Who’s in the movie? Who’s producing it? When do they want to have the dinner?”

  The line was silent for an extra few seconds. “I’m not rock solid on all the details yet, but I do know it’s an excellent opportunity and one you should really get behind. Lionsgate is the company, and I know a few people there.”

  “Okay,” she said. Quite frankly she didn’t know what else to say. “Oh! Does Geoff know? Is Bianca in the loop on this?”

  “Yes, they know the dinner will be hosted there and that you’ve been asked to cook it. I believe Geoff is the contact and is awaiting your response. I also believe you know him rather well?”

  Jaden laughed. “Yes, I’d say we know each other rather well.”

  “Now, listen,” he added, his tone turning serious—almost paternal. “I hope you can appreciate what an opportunity it is to be in front of these producers, executives, and directors. The celebrities are really trivial since they’re not the ones making decisions. Don’t get caught up in the names on the guest list, but fair warning, there’s probably some real star power. Just focus on the potential to be the center of attention in a crowd of button pushers.”

  “Ahhh, okay…” she said, slightly confused. “Is there a name for the movie yet? And you really don’t know who’s involved? Or are you just not telling me?”

  “Uh, nope. Not yet. But whoever they are, if you impress them you may have a whole new future in front of you. Lose your focus and I’m afraid you’ll be stuck with me for another ten seasons.”

  “Okay, okay. I get it,” she conceded. “Well, let me know the date, and I’m there. I’ll get in touch with Geoff shortly.”

  Jaden looked over to find Tasha about to explode. She suppressed a giggle.

  “Excellent,” Kevin said. “Oh! And think seduction when you plan your menu—sexy foods, aphrodisiacs on steroids, nectar of the gods, that kind of thing. And I think that’s all the detail I can give you at this point.”

  “A seduction menu. Gotcha.” Jaden smiled wide and offered Tasha an exaggerated shrug.

  “I’ll be in touch again soon with more information, and please know this is a great career opportunity—in the kitchen and out. Don’t get bogged down in the—”

  “Jesus, Kevin! I get it. I will. I’m all business,” she assured him.

  “Okay, thank you,” he replied. “I’ll call you soon.”

  “Bye.”

  Jaden clicked her phone off and looked at Tasha, puzzled.

  “Oh, you better start talking now!” Tasha announced, looking like she might leap across the table.

  “Well, apparently some bigwigs want me to cook a private dinner for the cast and crew of a movie that starts shooting here next week.” She watched Tasha’s face light up. “The best part is the dinner’s at Bianca!”

  The girls squealed in unison, earning them dirty looks from the adjacent tables.

  “Who’s gonna be there? What celebs?”

  “Well, he didn’t say. He was all about the fact that it was a networking possibility for me with the directors and execs, but he danced around the other details. I don’t care, really. It’s exciting!”

  “You aren’t even a little bit curious?”

  “Well, of course I am, but I have to cook regardless. So that’s going to be my focus.”

  “So serious!” Tasha rolled her eyes. “Can’t we squeal again?”

  Jaden indulged her with a particularly over-the-top shriek, and their squeals turned to giggles just as their overpriced salads arrived.

  “Well, I’m sure you will rock star them, girl. See? Now don’t you feel better?” Tasha speared some chicken and lettuce and gestured with her fork. “I told you. You get your shit together, get your mojo all shined up, and this clusterfuck with Ivan is going to just fall away. Where better to get your confidence back than in the kitchen at Bianca? That place is your home turf.”

  “You’re right,” she conceded, though she reflected for a moment on the state of her and Ivan’s non-union.
“But I just miss him. I can’t help that. We’ve texted back and forth a bit for the past couple days, but it’s such a diluted, stiff exchange.” Jaden waved her hands uselessly.

  “Is he being mean?” Tasha asked. “Because you can’t—”

  “No, he’s pleasant enough, but there’s no personality, no affection, no depth. I don’t think he’s ever going to have a conversation of substance with me again. He’s walled himself off. It just seems like the precursor to a dying friendship, and since the rest of the relationship is already gone, I don’t see the point of delaying the inevitable. Perhaps a clean separation is better…”

  “Well, I know that sucks, but you might be right. If he’s not open to putting things back together, you can’t repair it on your own.” Tasha was quiet for a moment, then smiled brightly. “You’ll just have to focus on kicking ass!”

  “I know you’re right.” Jaden sighed. “It’s just going to take some time. Right now I really miss the sweet nothings he used to send me.”

  She held her wrist up to examine the fading yellow of one of the last remaining marks on her body, a bittersweet memento from her night with Ivan. She’d cataloged all these little marks on her body since then and cherished them. This small, barely there yellow thumbprint on her wrist and one small spot on her left hip were all that remained. When Ivan’s mark on her body was gone, she’d have nothing left of him. He’d be gone. Her skin would be healed but her heart would be scarred forever.

  “But he has let me go,” she continued after a moment. “I promised myself I’d try until he told me no, and the other day at the beach, he did. Sooo…The worst part is I know he still loves me, loves what we had together, but he’s too afraid to move forward. He’d rather have nothing than be hurt again, and I hate that—I hate that I caused it.” She shuffled the mixture of greens, cheese, nuts, and salmon around on her plate with her fork. “But there’s nothing I can do. He won’t let me.”