Cutting Cords

by Mickie B. Ashling

  Cole’s experiences at the hands of an upperclassman had frightened him, but they were exciting and erotic as well. He’d received several hand jobs through the years and one time had allowed a guy to suck him off. He never reciprocated the favor, as this would have been an acknowledgement of homosexuality. Better to receive and pass off the rest as the other guy’s problem and not his.

  But last night had brought back all the memories he’d buried years ago, and they far exceeded anything he ever experienced in school. He’d never felt so alive, and it was this feeling that terrified him, causing him to lash out at Sloan rather than talk about it. Cole kept trying to push it into his subconscious, but every time he envisioned Sloan going down on him, he was achingly aroused.

  THE NEXT day was spent exploring Pratt. I completed all my paperwork, met with a few of my teachers, and hooked up with the school drug dealer, scoring two more grams of weed and ten Xanax, all within four hours. It was quite a productive morning and I was feeling pretty good. The shame and trauma of yesterday was starting to fade.

  I headed back to the apartment, letting myself in with the key that Cole had left for me this morning, along with a note saying he’d be gone all day. It was a relief to be alone, to be able to turn up the volume on my iPod and let Freddie’s music lull me into a happy place.

  A call from Emily pulled me back to reality and I picked up, glad to be talking to her after not seeing or hearing from her in about a month. She was also on the east coast, but Boston University was her choice. She was getting a degree in Fine Arts with a major in theater design.

  “Hey, you.” Her voice reverberated, sounding quite happy. “How’s my best friend?”

  “Fucking fabulous.”

  “Oh, no,” she said, knowing me so well, “what happened?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Don’t ‘nothing’ me, Sloan. I know every inflection of your voice.”

  I snorted into the phone, “Well, if you must know, I seem to have found myself in a situation.”

  “Already? Christ, Sloan. Didn’t you just get there?”

  “And your point is?”

  “What could have possibly happened in forty-eight hours?”

  “How much time do you have?”

  “Just tell me.”

  So I did. Tell her, that is, every gory detail, starting with my first night. The only thing I left out was the cutting. That wasn’t something I was willing to share with her or anyone else.

  “And did he say anything to his parents?”

  “Not a word.”

  “Then he won’t, so stop stressing over this. Sounds like you’ve hooked up with a big closet queen.”

  “It’s hardly a hookup, Em. More like a falling-down-the-hole-and-chasing-the-white-rabbit incident. Complete with the hookah-smoking caterpillar.”

  “That must have been some party.”

  “No kidding….”

  “You want me to come and visit?”

  “I’d love to see you! When?”

  “How’s next weekend? Can I crash at your place?”

  “Sure… not a problem.”

  “He won’t mind?”

  “It’s my room and my bed. Why would he?”

  8

  THE NEW York subway system could be frightening for the uninitiated and absolutely terrifying for someone with any sort of disability. The underground caverns of Grand Central and its honeycomb tunneling system was a true challenge, even at the best of times.

  Cole’s experience with trains was minimal. By the time he’d arrived in New York, his eyesight was seriously undermined, so he’d only ridden the train a few times, opting for cabs after the first few dizzying experiences he’d had. That was many months ago, and his eyesight had gotten worse since then. He didn’t think he’d ever be able to go down the steps that lead to the uptown train to Dr. Butterman’s office. The Lighthouse was located at 59th and Lexington on the upper east side of town and was a hike from where he lived. The cab fare was outrageous, not to mention the miles of gridlock.

  Cole was late for his appointment and spent the first five minutes of it complaining about the traffic.

  “You could be here in half the time if you took the subway.”

  “I can’t,” Cole blustered, already defensive before they even got started.

  “Why not? I do it all the time and I’m legally blind.”

  “I find it overwhelming, if you must know the truth. I’ve always considered myself to be a tough guy, John, but the few times I’ve been down there I was out-and-out scared.”

  “Scared of what, Cole? Getting lost? Riding on the wrong train?”

  “How about getting pushed onto the track or worse yet, just stepping off the platform all on my own? What if that happens, John?”

  “Well, that’s certainly a real possibility, but if you have a cane or a dog, the chances of that happening are lessened.”

  “I will never use a cane. That’s out of the question.”

  “I don’t understand the reasoning behind your statement. I use one and I’m not embarrassed by it.”

  “You’re old, John.”

  “Oh. So it’s all about appearances?”

  Cole shrugged. “You’d never know I had a problem with my vision just by looking at me,” he said softly. “Put a cane in my hand and people will change. I don’t care how you rationalize this, but people treat disabled people differently, and a blind man is a walking target.”

  “That’s the most cynical thing I’ve heard in a long time,” John replied, shaking his head sadly. “Have you always been this jaded or is this a new thing?”

  “I don’t think it’s cynical. I’m being honest and this is how I see it, pardon the pun,” Cole replied with a touch of sarcasm.

  “You’re wrong, but I’m not going to argue about this. How about a dog? Do you consider that pathetic as well?”

  “I don’t know. My family never owned a dog, for some reason.”

  “Did anyone have allergies? I suppose we’d have to take that into consideration.”

  “I have asthma, but I don’t know if it’s dog related, John. What if I do? Is one breed better than the next for such things?”

  “Yes. Some dogs have less dander than others, and even their hair can make a difference.”

  “I suppose I could get tested.”

  “Sure you can.”

  “But guide dogs have that harness and shit, right? People would still know.”

  “Cole, the issue here is you, not other people. You have to accept what is happening to you and get comfortable in your skin. Once you do that, others will follow suit.”

  “I know you’re right, John. I’m sorry about being such an ass… especially the other day.”

  Cole saw John shake his head and brush off the apology with a wave of his hand. He was reassured when he felt John’s warm hand groping for his across the desk and he held onto him for a few minutes without saying much.

  Finally John said, “I’m here to help you in any way I can, Cole. If it means talking about your innermost thoughts or something as mundane as slicing cucumbers, I’ll listen. I’m not your enemy, son.”

  “I know.” The words brought unexpected tears to Cole’s eyes and the enormity of what he was trying to face on his own finally hit home. “I have to learn how to accept help.”

  “Yes. I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, nor is utilizing all the tools that are available to us. A dog would be a wonderful companion, Cole. He would bring you many hours of enjoyment, while providing you with that extra level of security about being in open spaces when you can only see a few feet in front of you. They are quite amazing.”

  “So I’ve heard.”

  “It’s the truth. Would you like me to do a little investigating about different breeds?”

  “That would be great.” Cole sighed in resignation. “John?”

  “Yes?”

  “Do you think I should marry Julian
a? Have kids?”

  “I can’t answer that, Cole. You have to decide if she’s what you want.”

  “I thought she was.”

  “But?”

  “Nothing,” Cole whispered. He couldn’t say it out loud. He could not bring himself to admit that one night with Sloan had affected him so deeply, he was actually thinking of breaking it off with Juliana.

  “You’ll talk to me when the time is right,” John said positively, quite aware that Cole was going through more than one personal crisis. “Meanwhile, we’ll work on trying to get you comfortable with taking public transportation. Let’s make that our short-term goal, shall we?”

  “Okay.”

  “How about right now? Why don’t we take the subway back down to Chelsea? I’ll ride with you so you won’t have to do it by yourself.”

  “Would you do that?”

  “Absolutely.”

  “That would be great, John. Thanks.”

  AFTER I hung up with Emily, I realized that I hadn’t eaten all day and I was starving. I made my way to the kitchen and opened up the pantry door, hoping I’d find something other than tuna or tomato soap. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t this.

  Every can was lined up in straight rows like soldiers on parade, alphabetized from what I could tell, with labels facing front and center. The soup, the vegetables and fruit, and last but not least, the tuna and sardines. Boxes were also alphabetized and lined up horizontally rather than vertically. I felt as if I’d fallen through Alice’s hole again, but I was sober this time and smack in the middle of obsessive-compulsive hell.

  What the fuck! Organized, he said? The man was a bona fide freak. I spun around and went back into my room, grabbed my wallet and keys, and headed out. I was pretty sure that I’d seen a pizza parlor on my way to school earlier today, and I breathed a sigh of relief when I came across it just as I turned the corner. Gino’s Pizza was a dive, but it smelled like heaven right now. The best part was, they sold pizza by the slice, a rarity in California, but one good thing about New York that I loved already. I asked for a slice of cheese with extra pepperoni and sat down at the counter facing the window. It was the perfect spot for a people-watcher like me. The walk-by traffic was entertaining as hell. We were practically on top of the subway entrance; in fact, the railing of the stairs was clearly visible from where I sat.

  I was about to bite into my slice when I saw Cole coming up the stairs with an impressive-looking older man who had a cane in his hand. He had a full head of snowy white hair with some leftover dark strands peppered throughout. He was talking to Cole, who was nodding and laughing at something he’d said. I had no idea who he was, but obviously Cole knew him quite well. They talked for a few more minutes and then embraced and parted ways. The stranger turned to go back down the stairs, tapping his cane in front of him. It finally dawned on me that he was blind. I wondered who he was and why Cole was with him.

  I watched Cole walk away. The fucker was beautiful in his skintight jeans and leather jacket. I would have given anything to be the one who brought that smile to his face. Instead I sat there, checking out his ass and wondering how I would ever get him out of my mind. No matter how hard I tried to convince myself that I hated him, I knew that only the opposite was true. All I could think about were his lips, his tongue as it fought for dominance in my mouth, the salty-sweet taste of his spunk when he came in a warm gush. I moaned without even realizing it and my cock pressed tightly against my jeans, echoing my misery.

  9

  JULIANA STOOD when Cole approached. She was wearing a bright blue shirt, one of the bold colors she’d taken to wearing months ago when Cole had finally confessed what was happening with him. She did it so that he could spot her immediately, hoping to save him any embarrassment. She was surprised that he’d insisted on joining her at the restaurant rather than letting her swing by his apartment in a cab as usual. He kissed her on the cheek and pulled out her chair.

  “You smell good,” he said, smiling. “Have you ordered yet?”

  “No,” she replied, “I thought I’d wait to see what you wanted first.”

  He frowned when he heard that and said, “I meant for you.”

  “Oh. I guess I wanted to see how hungry you were before I decided.”

  Cole sighed and shook his head, a little exasperated, “Juliana, why should my hunger have anything to do with your decision?”

  “It doesn’t,” she stuttered. “I just didn’t know if we were going to have a long meal or a quick bite.”

  Christ. “I’ll have a Cobb salad,” Cole said without even looking at the menu. He took a sip of water and waited for the waiter to come and take their order. Juliana asked for a salad as well, and when that was over with, he announced, “I’ve decided to make some changes.”

  “Like what?” she asked, leaning forward with interest.

  “I’m going to make an effort to take the subway more often and maybe even look into getting a guide dog.”

  Juliana gasped and said, “No.”

  “What do you mean ‘no’?”

  “I don’t want you to take the subway, Cole. It’s dangerous.”

  “Juliana, don’t be ridiculous. People do it every day.”

  “I’d feel better if you took a cab or let me drive you.”

  “I don’t want to depend on you.” Cole was blunt but he felt that it was necessary since she wasn’t listening to him. He tempered it by saying, “I appreciate your concern, Juliana, but I need to learn how to get around on my own. Even John agrees.”

  “John doesn’t love you,” Juliana protested.

  “If you really loved me, you’d want me to be independent and fend for myself.” Cole hoped she’d understand this time, even though they’d had similar conversations in the past.

  “I want to take care of you, Cole. I can be there whenever you need help.”

  “That’s not what I want!” he said quickly, smothering his anger. “Can’t you please be more open-minded about this?”

  He heard her stifle a sob and although he couldn’t see her clearly, he knew that she was crying. He sighed loudly and said, “Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

  “Why do you keep pushing me away, Cole? All I want to do is love you and take care of you.”

  “I know.” He wished he’d never even mentioned the word subway. She just didn’t get it, and that was the big problem. She wanted to spend the rest of her life treating him like an invalid rather than a man.

  “Are you free this afternoon?” Juliana was a buyer for Bloomingdale’s and usually made her own hours.

  “Yes.”

  “Do you want to go to the apartment for a bit?” In another words, shall we go and fuck and try and forget this entire conversation?

  “Okay.”

  They ate their salads in silence. Cole was afraid to say something he’d regret, and Juliana was silent as well, probably happy that the argument was over. His earlier resolve and energy seemed to fizzle as the meal progressed. After they were done and the check paid, they walked out of the restaurant and hailed a cab for the trip to the apartment. Inside, they held hands but didn’t say much.

  The apartment was quiet when they let themselves in. Cole was relieved Sloan wasn’t home yet. He didn’t feel like tiptoeing around in his own space. He turned to Juliana and kissed her on the mouth, wrapping his arms around her waist. She responded immediately, sighing softly as she leaned into him. “I love you so much, Cole.”

  “I know you do, sweetheart. I love you too,” he replied automatically.

  They went into Cole’s bedroom and slowly peeled off their clothes. He wasn’t aroused, but he was working on it. He tried to concentrate on Juliana first, littering her body with slow kisses, spending quality time worshiping her breasts. He suckled and licked at her nipples, pleased when they puckered quickly. She moaned softly as he continued to tease her with his warm tongue. He reached down and tugged at himself, irritated because his cock
seemed to have its own agenda and Juliana wasn’t part of it.

  She began to sense a problem, so she pushed him away from her breasts. She took him in her mouth instead, hoping to get him hard. He shut his eyes and waited for her to do her thing, but his body refused to cooperate. Finally, in an act of desperation, he thought about the last time he’d had someone sucking on him, and that brought an instant response. He moaned, imagining Sloan licking his cock. He was rock-hard in a minute, and he quickly grabbed a condom from the nightstand. Pushing Juliana aside gently, he rolled the latex on his now distended organ, and he turned and pinned her down, seconds before shoving into her.

  “Cole,” she moaned.

  “Sweetheart,” he huffed, undulating against her softness. She wrapped her arms around his neck, her legs around his hips, and let him do all the work. To Cole, it was as exciting as masturbation. The only thing that kept him hard was the thought of Sloan and his magic tongue doing wicked things to him. He squeezed his eyes shut, making every effort to prolong the session long enough for Juliana to climax. He could tell she was close, and he breathed a sigh of relief when he felt her clutch at him, seconds before her body shuddered and pulsed. He came immediately afterward, grunting his way to an unsatisfactory finish. The sexual release should have put him in a better mood but it didn’t. A part of him wasn’t engaged in the encounter at all. He rolled off, disgusted with himself and the entire situation. His mood had turned dark again.

  “Cole?” Juliana intruded in his thoughts.

  “Yeah?”

  “Are we ever going to get married?”

  “Eventually.”

  “We’ve been putting it off, and I’d really like to get settled and make a home for you.”

  He sat up abruptly and said, “I’ve got to pee.”

  He headed to the bathroom and locked the door behind him, leaning against it to try and calm down. He couldn’t believe how erratic his emotions were today: one minute, euphoric because he’d made a decision to be more accepting of his situation; the next, filled with doubts because of Juliana’s concerns. He was happy when he and John had ridden the subway, comfortable with it all. A few hours with Juliana had changed his mind-set again. It was driving him nuts.