Cutting Cords

by Mickie B. Ashling

  “Tell me what happened when you got home, Sloan? Wasn’t the question of having a child still under discussion?” Max probed for answers, pinning me down with his forceful gaze. He had a way of extracting the truth without even trying. If anyone knew me to the core, terrible dark secrets and all, it was Max. I could feel the sting of tears again, and I forced them away. I refused to have a meltdown in front of him. There would be a time and a place to give in to the pain, but for now I had to put up some kind of front and not look like a loser.

  “Your statement about surrogates being illegal in New York should have clued me in. It seems that Ken, my lover’s piece-of-shit father, had done his investigating as well, and not only is it illegal in this state, it’s against Japanese law.”

  “What’s Japan got to do with anything?”

  “He’s imported the baby maker.”

  “American women aren’t good enough for him?”

  “Who knows what he’s thinking? All I know is that Ken has found a surrogate in the form of this beautiful Japanese doll, and Cole didn’t flinch when his father said the M word. They must have discussed the legal ramifications beforehand, or he wouldn’t have agreed so readily. On top of everything, she’s lovely. I’m afraid Cole will fall in love with her.”

  “Her beauty is irrelevant if he can’t see her.”

  “Well….”

  “And furthermore, Cole is gay,” Max said succinctly. “You need to have more confidence.”

  “Cole’s past has been riddled with females.”

  “He chose you over Juliana.”

  “She wasn’t a good fit, and maybe Noriko is just what he needs. You know how he’s into everything Japanese. Christ, he’s a history buff and thrives on all that samurai bushidö crap.”

  “You’re overthinking, Sloan,” Max said. “Does he know how you feel?”

  “If he didn’t before, he does now. I walked out of the apartment as soon as I heard the word marriage.”

  “Impulsive,” Max admonished. “You should have stayed and ironed everything out.”

  “Fuck that! Not in front of that stranger. Besides, I wanted to kill him, and I didn’t think it would go over real well with his parents.”

  “You’ll have to face him eventually.”

  “As soon as I calm down.”

  “It may be sooner rather than later. I just heard a car drive up,” Max said. He stood and walked over to the window. “Cole and Freddie just got out of a Yellow Cab and are standing at the front door.”

  “Christ.”

  “Go ahead and let him in,” Max sighed. “Hash it out, Sloan; face this and tell him exactly how you feel. If you come to blows, I’ll drive you both to the emergency room, but don’t let this fester or it’ll get worse.”

  He came up to me and cradled my face in his large hands. “You are a beautiful and very special man, and if Cole is too blind to see it, and I don’t mean that literally, I can assure you that there will be several people ready to step into his shoes.”

  “You’re a good person, Max.”

  “No, I’m not. I’m completely self-serving. There’s a part of me that wants your relationship with Cole to crash and burn because I’ve wanted you for years. However, I’m not stupid enough to stand in the way of true love, and I know that’s what’s going on with you guys. Work it out, beauty. He loves you.”

  “I’ll try.”

  “That’s all you can do,” Max said. “Come on, Tin. Let’s go upstairs and have a nightcap.”

  Chapter 4

  FREDDIE BARKED a greeting when I opened the door, wagging his tail so hard his body moved from side to side.

  “What are you doing here?” I tried to be cool and dispassionate, but my voice rose to an angry crescendo. I was spiraling, and seeing him so soon after I’d walked out wasn’t a good thing.

  “Sloan, we need to talk.”

  “You should have thought of that before tonight.”

  “Will you please let me explain?”

  “We’ve already tried that, remember? Why didn’t you say anything about marriage when you were sucking up to me in the bedroom?”

  “May I come in?”

  “Be my guest.” I turned my back without waiting to see if he followed and headed toward the sofa I’d just vacated. Freddie led Cole to the two-seater opposite mine, and he waited until Cole was settled before he put his head down on his paws.

  “I didn’t know that surrogate births were illegal in this state,” Cole began haltingly. “My dad only informed me last month.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Because I knew how you’d react.”

  “So you’ve been lying all along. Asking me to weigh in on this decision has been a fucking charade.”

  “Sloan….”

  “Cole, think about it… if the roles were reversed, and I signed a contract with a European firm demanding that I relocate, how would you feel if I gave them my okay without informing you? Inadequate? Ridiculous? Superfluous?”

  “That is an inappropriate analogy.”

  “I don’t think so. You’re foisting an improbable scenario on me, Cole. I’m reminded of that brief time after we first had sex when you wanted me to become your boy toy―a mistress―hidden away from the world, so you could resume a normal life, or what you considered normal at the time. As you’ll recall, that didn’t go over very well.”

  “I remember,” Cole said.

  “And here you are again, laying out another fakakta plan. When are you going to learn that I’m not a malleable toy you can wind up and point in the right direction?”

  He stood immediately and sank down on his knees in front of me. “Sloan, I didn’t mean to spring this on you so suddenly. My dad sort of jumped the gun.”

  “When did the idea of a surrogate birth go from being a possibility to a sure thing? And marriage! Christ, have you lost your fucking mind?”

  “I started to give it serious thought as soon as Dad mentioned the possibility of hiring someone from Japan. I was just waiting for you to get on board.”

  “Keep on waiting.”

  “Sloan….”

  “Did you really expect me to be okay with this?”

  “Not one hundred percent, but I was hoping you’d keep an open mind.”

  “Maybe if you’d been more honest, I wouldn’t feel so betrayed.”

  “Look, the marriage is a legality. I have to be married to Noriko if I want rights to my children.”

  “Children? I thought we were talking one child.”

  “She’s willing to carry twins if we can get two genetically perfect embryos.”

  “Why not go the extra mile and have triplets? Better still, be the octo-fucking-dad and sire your own baseball team! You and your eight perfect sons will make nine!” My anger surged like a monsoon. I grabbed his arms and shook him forcefully. “Where did you plan on housing this woman and her litter? Is she going to sleep in between us?”

  “Sloan, please,” Cole said, sounding desperate. “Stop fighting this and help me.”

  “Help? We’re beyond help,” I spat out, pushing him away. He fell against the coffee table but straightened up immediately. Freddie was on his legs in an instant, clearly confused. He had no idea if we were playing or if I was really going to hurt Cole. In either case, he stood guard beside his master, emitting a low growl until Cole put his hand on Freddie’s head, reassuring him. Cole’s heightened color and clenched jaw illustrated his shock at my angry outburst, but he understood that I needed to vent, and he knelt passively, waiting for the next onslaught. “You and your dad have been plotting for months, and I’m an impediment you’re trying to sweep under the carpet. I’ll make this real easy for you, shogun. I’ll move out and what’s-her-face can move in.”

  “No.”

  “Why not?”

  “I want you to share in this experience. You’re going to be a father as well, and I want you beside me all the way.”

  “Listen to you―I want this and I want
that. What about me, Cole?”

  “I’m trying to accommodate everyone.”

  “I’m not everyone,” I shouted. “Since when did I get lumped into the ‘everyone’ category?”

  “Sloan, you’re being unreasonable.”

  “Don’t I have any say in this fucked-up situation?”

  “Of course you do.”

  “I’m not hearing that. So far, it’s all about you, Cole.”

  “What is it you want, Sloan?”

  I buried my face in my hands. The truth was I had no idea what I wanted. Was I wrong to deny Cole’s chances at having children? I could never give him a family. On the other hand, the way he was going about this was entirely wrong. When he first broached the subject of surrogacy, I had something completely different in mind. I pictured a lawyer handling the transaction and managing the details with very little interpersonal contact between us and the mother. We’d pick up the kid once it was born, and that would be that. Now, he was asking me to make room in our lives for a complete stranger, a “wife” no less. It was ludicrous and made me so angry I wanted to choke him. Instead, I swallowed the bile and put a lid on my anger, which was one second away from flying out of control. If Cole handed me another lie, I’d lose my shit and pummel him to the ground. “You have to give me more time to think about this.”

  “How long?”

  “What’s the rush?”

  “Noriko can’t stay indefinitely; she’s on a tourist’s visa.”

  “You’re giving her citizenship on top of everything else? How much are you paying her?”

  “I’m paying her expenses, plus she’ll get a lump sum once she delivers the babies. Of course, there’s another settlement once we file for divorce.”

  “Christ, she’s making out like a bandit just by having a viable uterus.”

  He shrugged. “I wish you had one.”

  “Well I don’t! Put that in your fucking hibachi and roast it!”

  He reached for my hand and I shook him off. “You do realize that once you marry her she can always change her mind about divorce, and you’ll be stuck.”

  “Why are you so suspicious?”

  “Call me jaded or just plain obnoxious, but I don’t trust that bitch.”

  “You don’t even know her.”

  “Do you?”

  “I’m only going by my dad’s recommendation.”

  “How well does he know her? Where the hell did he find her? How can you not know anything more about a woman who will be carrying your fucking children?” I was standing at this point and shouting again. Freddie crouched closer to Cole and whimpered in fright. I sat down immediately and petted him, trying to reassure the poor dog that I wasn’t going to kill anyone.

  “Sloan, we’ll get the info you want.”

  “I’ll have no rights,” I said dejectedly, coming to the conclusion that I was going to lose this battle. He seemed to have it figured out and had an answer for every one of my objections.

  “You’ll adopt the children once we become legal partners, and then you’ll have every right.”

  “What about the mother?”

  “We’ll sign a prenup,” Cole explained. “Six months after the birth, we’ll get a divorce, and the contract will be complete. Then, you and I can go to Massachusetts or Iowa or wherever they acknowledge same-sex marriages and make it legal. Adoption will come right on the heels of the marriage, and you’ll have rights to everything I own, including my children.”

  “You have this all worked out except for one small glitch.”

  “What?”

  “I don’t want to be second choice for two years.”

  “Christ, Sloan, you’re not second. Noriko knows I’m gay and that I love you. She’s simply the vessel that will give us the family we want.”

  “She’s intruding in my life, Cole. I’m reluctant to turn over so much power. A lot can happen in a short time.”

  Cole sat back on his heels, crinkling his eyes in frustration. “What power?”

  “As your wife, she’ll have the legal right to wreak all kinds of havoc. How do I know she won’t insist on throwing me out? What if she gets hormonal and turns into a raving momzilla? We’ll be stuck, Cole, and leaving ourselves wide open to emotional blackmail.”

  “Sloan, for God’s sake.”

  “Listen to me,” I clutched his arms again. “What if the worst happens, and she falls in love with you? Having a soft spot for the father of your child is not that uncommon. She would have to be some kind of robot to be immune to her mothering instincts, and who’s to say that she won’t get territorial and want to protect her offspring and her man?”

  “Noriko is going into this with eyes wide open. It’s purely a business arrangement, and we’ll have no physical contact whatsoever. You’re being overly cautious, Sloan.”

  “Maybe, but it’s better than having my head in the clouds.”

  “Just because I’m blind doesn’t mean I’m naïve.”

  “Maybe naïve is the wrong word choice, Cole. I think you’re so caught up in an idea you had discarded years ago that you’re not being your usual methodical self. Really, shogun, what do we know of surrogacy and its pitfalls? Don’t you think it bears a little more investigation and restraint?”

  “I can’t believe this is coming out of your impulsive mouth,” Cole said gently. “Usually, I’m the one talking sense into you.”

  “Your nagging has obviously fallen on fertile ground. I’m not willing to go into this without some assurance that my relationship with you will not be damaged or jeopardized in any way.”

  “I’m open to suggestions,” Cole said agreeably.

  “Will you really give me free rein?”

  “Within reason.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “Why don’t we compromise?” Cole asked. “Let’s spend the weekend with her and get to know her better. Maybe then you’ll be more comfortable and better able to make an informed decision.”

  “Agreed, but in the meantime, I want her investigated by my own people.”

  “Jesus, this is not a covert operation.”

  “It is to my mind. You’ve waited years for this, Cole. Why rush? Right now, you’re being emotional and ignoring that analytical brain of yours. You have visions of walking on a mound with your son and teaching him the finer points of baseball, making you forget the world is a shitty place and bad people do exist. You’re rich, single, and, oh yeah, blind! A prime target for someone unscrupulous.”

  “Don’t you think my father is more discerning and would have already had Noriko screened before he approached her?”

  “I know nothing! You’re assuming she’s legit and that he’s checked her out. Well, tough shit, Cole. I want facts before we embark on this improbable adventure.”

  “Or what?”

  “You’re on your own.”

  “You would leave me because of this?”

  “It would kill me, but I’m not sticking around to sweep up the mess.”

  “I thought we’d be together for the rest of our lives.”

  “Who says we won’t?”

  “Sloan, you’re sending mixed signals,” Cole said, looking dejected. His kissable mouth drooped, and his eyes swam with tears when he pushed away from me and stood up. He picked up Freddie’s harness and gave him the sign to move forward. “Won’t you please come home so we can discuss this in our own space?”

  Saying no to him was always difficult, but even more so when he looked this miserable. I caved immediately. “Let me call a cab.”

  “Thank you.”

  Chapter 5

  THE APARTMENT was dark when we got home, and I only switched on one light since there was no need to illuminate a path for Cole. We’d been living in the same place since I moved in five years ago, simply because he’d memorized every square inch and was hesitant to subject himself to another learning curve by changing location. Cole could make his way to the subway, the stores, the bank, and more importantly his job
at NYU. He’d been preparing for his inevitable and complete blindness with the help of Dr. John Butterman, his sight counselor and friend. John had been a tremendous help in guiding Cole through the final stages of his disease. Freddie, the golden retriever we’d been lucky enough to adopt from Guide Dogs of America, had been another source of comfort in providing the confidence Cole needed to maneuver his way in and about his daily life.

  I wondered what Cole was thinking now that he was planning to have children. There was no way we’d be able to stay in this apartment. There simply wasn’t enough room for a nursery and a nanny, which I assumed we’d be hiring. Neither one of us had a clue how to deal with babies, plus we both worked full time. Finding space for Noriko throughout her pregnancy would be a challenge. Our spacious two bedroom, one bath, had no guest room. We’d converted my old room into a study with two desks, two computers, and some filing cabinets. Where the heck was he planning on housing his baby maker?

  It was ironic that I was so cautious when I’d been the impulsive and oftentimes reckless partner. Cole’s love had given me the validation I needed to come into my own. I had changed a lot in five years, physically as well as mentally. I felt healthier and emotionally stable. My occasional bouts of anger were uneventful, and thoughts of cutting remained in the distant background. I knew it would be a lifelong battle, but I felt more in control despite the packet of blades I’d bought earlier this evening. They were still in their package, shoved into a drawer at the studio, along with the stash of weed.

  I’d come down from my cannabis high, and after depositing Cole and Freddie in our bedroom, I went straight to the bathroom to brush my teeth and get rid of the smoky taste in my mouth. It wouldn’t do for our reunion to be spoiled by oral hygiene issues, not that I was hopeful that a full-on sexual marathon would be possible right now. I could feel the residue of my bad mood, but Cole seemed intent on discussing Noriko. He’d started to broach the subject again in the cab, and I’d snapped at him, asking him to shut up. Although my anger at Cole was justified, and I had every right to question the motives behind Noriko’s sudden appearance, all I wanted to do was forget about her.