Cutting Cords

by Mickie B. Ashling

  “I seem to recall you mentioning that before I ended up in your bed years ago.”

  “No one twisted your arm.”

  “Why are we even having this discussion?”

  “You started it.”

  “Let me know how it works out with your English hottie.”

  “I’ll text you.”

  “You do that.”

  Chapter 12

  FOR SOME reason, Cole thought that a weekend of sex and recreation would erase all my doubts and put us on track for the Immaculate Conception. I was nowhere closer to being comfortable with Noriko or in having to make a decision that would change our lives forever. My gut feeling was that this was a mistake. Not the babies per se, but the methods the Fujiwaras were employing to obtain them. I was sure the decision to marry Noriko would have unforeseen complications.

  In retrospect, I should have known that Cole’s family would do something like this. They’d been shocked when he came out five years ago, but due to more pressing concerns―his imminent blindness―they’d held their peace. Cole’s transition from straight to gay had not been without issues, but his reluctant parents followed my father’s supportive lead after seeing how much I loved and cared for their son. Anything that would help Cole through the worst time of his life was appreciated, and that included putting up with a gay lover.

  Since the advent of PGD, I felt a subtle shift in Ken and Eileen’s behavior. I couldn’t verbalize my concerns because they were so farfetched and groundless. I knew that Cole would laugh at me or get upset and, once again, accuse me of being insecure. Nonetheless, I felt that his parents, Ken in particular, were taking perverse pleasure in seeing me so conflicted.

  I put all my faith into the detective’s investigative skills, hoping he would unearth something damaging so that I could convince Cole that Noriko should be replaced by an anonymous surrogate in California. I still believed we could find a better solution, which didn’t include his marrying the mother of the child. There was no way I’d agree to it. No way! If he wanted someone Japanese or Eurasian, we’d find one. After all, the Golden State abounded with people from every corner of the world, and moving out there for nine months was preferable to putting up with a “wife” for two years.

  Max had found a detective who was willing to do the legwork for a small fortune. I insisted that he text me updates throughout the day. It was a long shot, but I was hoping he’d uncover something within the month. That was the deadline Cole had given me because it would take that long to prepare Noriko for implantation.

  The first order of business was deciding where Noriko would live while she was undergoing the initial phase of treatment. Ken and Eileen thought it made more sense for Noriko to live with us, even though I protested that we didn’t have the room.

  “We could clear out the study,” Cole suggested. “Move our computers and desks into the living room.”

  “It’s a terrible idea.”

  “We’ll have to make it work for now. Maybe start looking for a bigger place?”

  “Hold on,” I said. “You promised we’d wait.”

  “For what?”

  “Several things,” I said, trying to keep my tone of voice on an even keel. Cole, on the other hand, was already frowning, and I could feel the tension radiating out of him.

  “What are we waiting for, Sloan?”

  “For one thing, you assured me that nothing would move forward until I was convinced that Noriko was a good fit, and the genetic testing was completed. You also said we’d wait on the marriage until the pregnancy was firmly established.”

  “In the meantime, she needs a place to live.”

  “She can stay at your parents’ condo.”

  “How are we ever going to get to know her better if we don’t have daily contact?”

  “We’ll have contact with her every time we go to the fertility clinic.”

  Cole had insisted that I accompany him and Noriko for the initial visit to the doctor on the Monday after our trip to Montauk. I sat with them, feeling like the proverbial third wheel, while the physician in charge of the case explained what we could expect in the upcoming weeks. Noriko would be given drugs to suppress her own hormones for twenty-one days, inducing a state of artificial short-term menopause with the accompanying side effects like mood swings and hot flashes. Once her hormone levels were reduced, they would begin injections to stimulate her ovaries and egg production. This phase usually lasted around eight to twelve days, depending on how her body reacted. She would be constantly monitored via ultrasound to see if her ovaries were responding to the drugs. Sometimes, the doctor explained, a woman’s body overreacted, resulting in ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome. This could cause a number of symptoms, including abdominal pain, vomiting, nausea, or dehydration. It sounded ghastly, but it was all a part of the process, according to Dr. Frankenstein. I’d jokingly referred to the physician in charge of Noriko’s care by that name. He didn’t seem to object, but Cole was not amused.

  If the hormone therapy followed its normal course, Noriko’s ovaries would produce a sufficient number of large follicles so that withdrawal could take place. The eggs would be collected using a fine hollow needle. At this stage, Cole would have to produce his sperm, which would be placed in the Petri dish. And voila! The cells would multiply and grow. Testing for normal growth patterns would occur daily, and as soon as there were enough cells for genetic testing, PGD would begin. Once the tests were complete, and a couple of viable candidates were selected, they would be implanted into Noriko’s uterus, and the waiting game would begin. Sometimes a pregnancy would go off without a hitch, and other times it would fail, and the entire process would have to be repeated.

  Why would anyone in their right mind undergo such physical and mental trauma? Even under the best of circumstances, the in vitro process was stressful and invasive. I couldn’t imagine subjecting myself to the constant examinations, but that was just me. Thank God I was born a man and would never have to endure that sort of thing. Noriko was unfazed by any of the steps, which made me wonder where Cole got the idea that she’d need our support. She appeared fine without it.

  “I know I promised that we’d wait on the marriage until she got pregnant,” Cole said, pulling my mind back to our discussion. “In the interim, someone’s got to support her emotionally.”

  “I don’t see why I have to.”

  “We owe it to her.”

  “She’s being paid to do this, Cole. She owes us, not the other way around.”

  “I don’t care. I’d like to keep an eye on her to make sure she’s doing well physically. She’s about to embark on a huge undertaking, Sloan, and I want to be around if she needs me.”

  “You’re hellbent on doing this regardless of my feelings, aren’t you?”

  “You need to come to terms with the situation, Sloan. You keep hoping I’ll change my mind, but I’m not going to.”

  “Is there nothing I can say to convince you that you might possibly be wrong?”

  “Unless you can come up with a damn good reason based on fact, rather than your gut instinct, I would say no. I am not changing my mind.”

  “Your complete disregard of my feelings borders on disrespect.”

  “Sloan, be reasonable.”

  “Be reasonable? Cole, you’re the one who’s not willing to discuss this rationally.”

  “You’ve been negative from the beginning, and I’m tired of dealing with your attitude.”

  “Excuse me for wanting to protect my lover and our relationship.”

  “I think you’re being selfish and unwilling to compromise.”

  “This is pointless, Cole. You can’t admit I might be right. You’d much prefer to take the leap and hope for the best.”

  “Is it wrong to want some normalcy?”

  “What the hell does that mean?”

  “I’m tired of being a circus sideshow.”

  “Sorry?”

  Cole walked toward me and looked me right in the e
ye. I was pretty sure his mental picture of me was crystal clear, even if he hadn’t seen me in over a year. “It’s ironic how this is all playing out,” he said, startling me as tears swamped his deep blue eyes. “The truth is one of these days you’ll come to your senses and see me for what I am―an albatross around your neck, your altruistic experiment.”

  “Cole!”

  “Do you think I don’t hear the comments from your peers? I’m blind, not deaf, but people seem to equate the two things. I’ve heard them wager on who the lucky candidate is going to be―the one who lures you into his bed when you get bored playing nursemaid.”

  “Why are you listening to those assholes? They’re a bunch of meddling queens who like to stir up shit.”

  “Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.”

  “Bullcrap! Have I ever done or said anything that would come remotely close to cheating? “

  “No, but it’s bound to happen. You were only twenty-three when we hooked up. Far too young to take on so much responsibility, yet you’ve done amazingly well. You’ve conquered most of your demons and even some of mine. You’ve provided me with the stability I needed to transition from sighted to blind. I’m grateful and very proud of you, Sloan, but I’m also a realist. One day you’ll look at me and wonder why the hell you’re here.”

  “Cole, I love you very much. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.”

  “Maybe not this minute, however, I know in my heart that you’ll leave me one day. Having children will bring me some comfort and take my mind off my lot in life.”

  “There is nothing wrong with your life,” I said, grabbing both his arms and shaking him in frustration. “Cole! You have a great job and a partner who loves and respects you.”

  Cole shrugged off my hands and continued softly. “I’m tired of wondering when it’s going to happen, Sloan. I just want to be a dad and have a family. I want to be like everyone else. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me anymore.”

  I was horrified by Cole’s statement and the direction this conversation was taking. Years ago, Cole had issues with people’s perceptions of him as a blind man, but I had thought he’d finally made peace with it, thanks to his sight counselor and my constant reassurance. Apparently, I was wrong. I could barely articulate my next sentence, I was so taken aback.

  “People don’t feel sorry for you, Cole.”

  “They won’t when I have a family.”

  “I thought we were a family?”

  “A family needs children.”

  “That’s not true. And for the record, I want you to know I’m not against children. It’s the marriage to Noriko that’s completely freaking me out. And you’ve just added another dimension to my fears. I had no idea you doubted my feelings.”

  Cole snorted. “You were recently voted one of America’s most beautiful people. Why the fuck would you want to be saddled with my blind ass?”

  I reached for him, but he stepped away and held out an arm. “Don’t come any closer. We need to settle this, and I can’t think straight when we’re holding each other.”

  “Cole, don’t push me away.”

  His rigid control finally broke as bitter tears began to pour down his cheeks. “You can do so much better than me, Sloan. You’re too young to be tied down to a man who’s so fucking needy. You need to be with somebody who can take you places and show you the world.”

  “You’re just saying this to justify your decision to marry Noriko.”

  “No.”

  “You never doubted me before she showed up. This is just your fucked up way of getting rid of me.”

  “I wish that were true,” Cole said softly, “At least then I wouldn’t feel like such an asshole. I keep thinking about the opportunities you’ve missed since we’ve been together. The trips you never took, and the invitations you’ve passed on because I hampered you. I refuse to spend the rest of my life waiting for you to come to your senses. If I have children, I’ll have something to sustain me when our relationship is over.”

  “You have zero faith in my feelings for you,” I said, ignoring the tears that poured down my face. “You think you’re some charity case I’ve taken on to feel better about myself? Don’t you know how important you are to me? How I require your love and support as much as you want mine?”

  “Initially, but things are different now.”

  “In what way?”

  “You’re mentally and physically in a much better place. You don’t need me anymore.”

  “I do need you.”

  “Not really.”

  “Cole, I can’t envision a life without you.”

  “Unfortunately, I’ve been doing nothing else but imagining how I’d survive without you.”

  “My God.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I’m going to pack a bag.”

  “Where are you going?”

  “To the studio.”

  “Stay.”

  “I can’t, Cole. Will you be okay?”

  “Noriko will be here shortly.”

  “Of course,” I said, shaking my head. “You’ve found the perfect replacement.”

  Cole lunged and grabbed hold of my waist. I struggled to get away, but he was clinging to me. “Pretend we never had this conversation,” he begged. “Please don’t go.”

  “I have to get away from you!”

  “Can’t you understand where I’m coming from?”

  “You’re wrong,” I shouted.

  “Calm down, Sloan.”

  “Fuck you, Cole! I don’t know when all these stupid ideas started brewing in your head. You should have said something a long time ago instead of springing this on me so suddenly. No matter what you say to the contrary, I have a feeling your parents have been feeding you a line of crap and using Noriko and the possibility of a family to destroy what we have. I see there’s more to this than I ever contemplated. The idea of being a part of a traditional relationship is falling on very fertile ground.”

  “I can’t deny that I want a family.”

  “But your idea of a family is a man and a woman, isn’t it? Why stay in a gay relationship when life could be so much easier as a straight man.”

  “Sloan, I love you.”

  “You sure have a strange way of showing it.”

  “Please,” Cole said, flailing. “I didn’t mean anything I said. I know you’ve never cheated. We need to talk before you do anything rash.”

  I backed away from him, blindsided by my emotions. Everything about our conversation had upset me, especially Cole’s idea that I would cheat on him or want something else. I knew we’d never be The Brady Bunch, but I thought he’d settle for Modern Family. After hearing his prediction that our relationship would go south, I doubted even that would be possible. Everything I’d held true over the last five years was obliterated by his thoughtless words.

  “There’s nothing more you can say, Cole. I think you’ve made your feelings very clear.”

  “You’re taking everything out of context.”

  “No, I’m not.”

  “When will you be back?”

  “I don’t know.”

  Chapter 13

  I DECIDED to go back to Montauk. To my way of thinking, running away was a better option than sticking around and saying something I’d regret. Going to the studio wasn’t the answer, either. Showing up with a bag in hand and no Cole would start a shitstorm of gossip among the models and their minions. A few of the notorious queens would take evil joy in knowing the perfect couple was having problems. We’d been a source of envy for a long time, and they would be happy to see our little bubble of love burst into a million pieces. I left a message on the company voice mail letting Max know I needed a few days off and where he could reach me in case of an emergency. Cole would have to stew in his own misery. I was too angry and hurt to inform him of my whereabouts.

  The cleaning service had already swept through the country house, clearing up the weekend debris and leaving everything in perf
ect order. I threw my bag on the floor in the hallway and headed for the garage. The Jeep was parked in its usual spot, and the keys were dangling from the hook beside the door. Anyone who’d been Max’s houseguest knew the car was community property, and I was relieved he hadn’t changed this familiar routine.

  Years ago, when I was still in therapy for the cutting, I was advised to seek human contact or lose myself in an activity whenever I felt the need to hurt myself. I’d resisted the urge so far, but I knew that staying alone in the large house with my dark thoughts could only lead to one thing, so I decided to get out and go horseback riding. Standing in front of the large closet, where Max kept the extra outfits for anyone in need, I changed quickly into a pair of riding pants and boots.

  Just thinking about horses and nature lifted my spirits. I’d been doing a valiant job of pushing back thoughts of Cole and our conversation since I walked out of the apartment, but now they were replaying in my head like a broken CD.

  How could he think I was so shallow? Hadn’t he ever heard of the saying “for better or for worse”? Did he think that I was so easily swayed by the people around me? The more I thought about his predictions, the angrier I got. He had absolutely no confidence in my love. Or was this a part of a malicious smear campaign by his parents to frighten him into thinking I would abandon him in the future?

  Leah was surprised to see me in the middle of the week but happily turned over the reins, knowing that Rose was in good hands. The beautiful chestnut mare whinnied and flicked her tail when she saw me. I handed her a few sugar cubes, murmuring soft words of encouragement as she took them gently from my open palm. At least somebody gave a shit that I was around.

  I mounted her and headed toward the beach. Soon we were at the water’s edge, and I dipped my head down to Rose’s neck and leaned forward, giving her the signal to go. She took off like a Preakness champ. I stopped thinking and acted on pure instinct, enjoying Rose’s energy. She was in need of release as badly as I was, and we pounded across the bare stretch of land. It was exhilarating. I’d been wound up and so controlled for the last few years. It was a pleasure to let go and revel in the speed without worrying about repercussions. We’d stopped doing so much due to Cole’s limitations; I’d forgotten how much fun it was to be wild and reckless. The sun beat down on my hatless head, and the wind tore at my shirt and hair, but I was in heaven. Eventually Rose got tired and slowed down. She picked a spot behind the sand dunes that had some greens tempting her. I hopped off and let her nibble while I approached the water with a handful of pebbles I tossed in one by one.