Cutting Cords

by Mickie B. Ashling

  He reached for me, and I leaned closer. A shaky hand cupped my cheek. “I meant everything I said before I passed out. That wasn’t just my swan song,” he said gruffly.

  My throat tightened with emotion. “I know.”

  “Thought you should be aware of my sentiments.”

  I kissed him softly in response. We were both reeling from the catastrophic events of the last few days, and old feelings had managed to break through all the barriers we’d erected around our fragile psyches. Death was the ultimate wakeup call; on the other hand, now wasn’t the time to make any grandiose gestures. We could reevaluate our situation when life returned to normal.

  I cleared my throat of any lingering tears and urged him to get some rest. “Try and catch a few winks, Shogun. I’ll be back in the morning.”

  Tension drained out of him, and he waved me away. I felt his disappointment, but I wasn’t going to act on my impulses. Not until I knew what was going on with Trent.

  Adachi was at the hotel when I walked through the doors of our suite. He’d come to pick up his wife, and I asked him to hang around for a bit to get a recap of the police investigation.

  “Did they get everyone who was in cahoots with Noriko?”

  “Most of them are dead.”

  “Who else died other than the tattooed gorilla?”

  “Sorry?”

  “He’s the asshole who had fun at my expense.”

  “The okaa-san had a heart attack and died at the hospital.”

  “Who?”

  “The old woman who owned and managed the okiya.”

  “Wasn’t she at least a hundred years old?”

  “Close,” he acknowledged. “Reiko lived a long and very interesting life.”

  “I’ll bet.” I couldn’t keep the scorn out of my voice. Imagining that old crone negotiating with Cole’s dad was sickening. “Is Noriko’s mother alive? She supposedly had Parkinson’s disease, or was that another lie?”

  “That’s true. She lives in a nursing home, but now that the money is no longer available, things will change.”

  I shrugged, but I knew that Cole would never let that happen. His damn code of honor would force him to take care of his former mother-in-law, even if her daughter had been a homicidal maniac.

  “Make sure you get all the particulars so Cole can decide how to handle her. Is that it? Is there anyone else who’s going to turn up down the road and threaten Cole or his children?”

  “Noriko was the last of her line if you don’t count the twins.”

  “What about the loan sharks who’ve been hounding her?”

  “They’ll chalk it up as a loss.”

  “So long as they don’t take up her banner.”

  “The debt was incurred by the okiya, and now that the key players are gone, so is the hope of reimbursement. Cole and his children are safe.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “There is a code of ethics among the Yakuza, and I can assure you that they’ve closed the books on this.”

  I stood and offered my hand. “Thanks for your help, Mitsu. I’ll be expecting a rather large invoice for services rendered. I owe you my life.”

  “It’s already in your inbox, Mr. Driscoll.”

  I nodded approvingly. “Unfortunately, I’ve managed to destroy another phone and can’t access my e-mails. I’ll take care of it as soon as I can.”

  “You have a thirty-day window,” he said, bowing politely.

  He left, and I poked my head into the boys’ room; they were fast asleep. It was just as well. I’d run out of steam at least an hour ago and looked forward to some quiet time. There was one last thing I had to take care of before I hit the sack.

  I went back down to the lobby and asked if there was a business center where I could access my e-mail. The concierge directed me toward a small office off the main lobby, and I headed that way, stopping at the bar to order a fortifying drink to go. With my vodka tonic in hand, I moved toward a computer and began my long-overdue confession.

  I told Trent almost everything, leaving out only the sexual assault. It was the longest e-mail I’d ever sent, but condensing the traumatic events leading up to this moment in a few sentences was impossible. It was rather cowardly to put everything in writing instead of telling him in person, but I couldn’t bear to see the look of disapproval or hear the anger in his voice after learning that I’d run off with Cole. Trent would go insane. It never occurred to me that he might actually feel sorry or guilty for not being around. All I could focus on was my own failure.

  I hit Send, then opened Adachi’s mail with his invoice attachment. The sum wasn’t astronomical considering the man had saved my life with his quick thinking. I pulled out my Amex card and paid the bill.

  As I was getting ready to go, a reply e-mail pinged my inbox. It was from Trent. I swallowed what remained of my drink and debated my next move. Ignoring the e-mail was tempting, as I could then go on pretending nothing had changed between us, or I could get this over with and deal with his wrath. I opted for honesty and held my breath, clicking on the link.

  Sloan,

  I’m devastated that you didn’t trust me enough to fill me in on your plans. Granted, our timing sucked, but you know I would have done everything in my power to keep you and Cole safe. I’m glad everything worked out in the end, but I have to believe there’s a lot more to this story than you can put in writing. I should be home in about 2-3 weeks, and we can talk about our future at that time. Till then, you remain in my thoughts.

  Sincerely,

  Major Trent Hamilton

  Whoa. Angry much? Major? Sincerely? The fury was jumping off the page, and I quickly shut down the computer and walked away. It had been a mistake to read his reply; I’d never get to sleep tonight unless I got very, very drunk….

  Which I did. And it was another terrible mistake, because I had a nightmare. In my dream I was being swept away in a river of roiling blood. I kept trying to clutch at the trees and vines lining the banks, but there were people who were beating me away with long swords. They were dressed like the ancient Japanese warriors I’d seen in Cole’s history books and were laughing at my expense. They knew I was drowning but didn’t do a damn thing to help. I could feel creepy hands slithering up my thighs, and I frantically kicked my legs to try to escape, but all it did was drag me down even farther. The beast underneath the water parted my ass cheeks roughly and shoved in his fist, splitting me in half like I was a goddamn melon. Entrails flowed out of me, colorful snakes writhing and twisting to get away. The pain was unbearable. I woke up screaming, and one of the nannies burst through the door. She was babbling questions in Japanese, and for one awful moment, I thought Noriko had risen from the dead. I huddled under the covers and shoved her away when she tried to give me a drink of water to calm me down. Eventually, she walked out, leaving me alone with my foreign ghosts.

  Chapter 24

  I LAPSED back into a tortured sleep, but images of Kouki wove in and out of my subconscious, a terrifying hallucination that hung on stubbornly and wouldn’t let me escape. Acknowledging defeat, I headed for the bathroom. I’d been given two types of pain pills. The first one allowed me to function during the day, and the second was guaranteed to knock me out. I reached for the heavy-duty bugger and dry swallowed it without hesitation. As an afterthought, I filled up a glass with tap water and took a few sips. The liquid would help dissolve the tablet much quicker, and I wanted to start feeling the effects as soon as possible. I couldn’t risk being dragged down by the incubus roaming around in my brain.

  Once again, I wondered how long it would take for the memories to start receding. The thought of having to undergo psychiatric help to overcome post-traumatic damage—clearly an issue—wasn’t my first choice. Trent would know how to help me cope with this type of anxiety, but I was brought up short as reality sank in. He was no longer in the picture and would most likely never be again. He certainly didn’t sound anywhere close to forgiving in his e-mail.

&nb
sp; Suddenly, I was furious at him. How dare he take such a sanctimonious attitude? He was the one who began our downward spiral by inserting his military career back into our lives. And with that thought came another one so horrific I almost dropped the glass. He’d signed his e-mail as Major Trent Hamilton. He’d been a captain when he walked away from his long and distinguished career. A sudden picture of Trent vibrating with excitement bloomed in vivid color as I recalled him telling me he might actually get a promotion if he reenlisted. Was that the carrot they’d dangled when he decided to go back? Was the temporary scenario he’d painted a ploy to give me time to adjust my way of thinking? Had he already committed?

  I hung on to the sink as my head began to spin with a combination of blinding fury and the effects of the drug. Staggering back to bed, I sunk down on the pillow top and gave myself permission to escape for a few hours. Reality would have to fucking wait until I was physically able to deal with it.

  I slept deep and dreamless, thanks to the pill, and in the morning, I inspected myself as I stood bleary-eyed in front of the bathroom mirror. I looked like shit. My bruises were changing colors like autumn leaves. That wouldn’t have been so bad, but when combining burns, cuts, and an eye patch with sickly yellow-brownish marks, the result was garish. The “it” guy for Klass Cosmetics was about to topple off his pedestal if my looks didn’t return. Even Max wouldn’t be able to persuade his buddies in advertising to consider me for a job unless I bounced back from this incident with minimal damage.

  After a quick shower, I threw on some loose pants and a worn T-shirt to avoid chafing and went to check on the children. Both nannies looked at me warily, but I mumbled an apology for my earlier meltdown, and they seemed to be okay with it. The kids squealed when I walked in, and I hugged each in turn, then let them join me at breakfast. They were at the stage where they insisted on feeding themselves, and trying to get the oatmeal to go from bowl to mouth was always a challenge. It turned into a messy affair, but it helped take my mind off Trent and what I planned to do when I got back home.

  I broached the subject of travel to the nannies and made a mental note to learn their names, rather than calling them Number One and Number Two. I explained that Cole and I would require help to get the children back to New York. Both of the young women seemed enthusiastic about accompanying us, and after verifying they had up-to-date passports, I made sure they knew a short vacation would be included in the package. Now they were more than eager and wanted to know when we were leaving. I informed them it would happen as soon as we got the okay from the doctors.

  “You guys behave while I go and get Daddy,” I remarked as I pushed away from the table. “Don’t be giving your nannies a hard time.”

  “Mama?” Keni asked.

  God….

  “Not Mama, sweetheart. Daddy is coming home soon, and then we’ll be going bye-bye on the big airplane.”

  Niki looked up at me with Cole’s big blue eyes. I almost came undone when he reiterated Keni’s request. “I want my mama.”

  “Mama’s away, Niki. You’re stuck with me for the moment.”

  I wasn’t sure if he understood, but he giggled, which was rather uplifting. I turned to the nannies. “I’ll be back as soon as I can. Don’t let anyone in this room unless it’s Mr. or Mrs. Adachi. Am I clear?”

  “Yes, sir,” they said jointly.

  “Security is still on duty, but I can’t tell you how important your role is right now. Cole and I are counting on you to keep our boys safe.”

  “Don’t worry,” Nanny One said. “You can depend on us.”

  “As soon as Mr. Fujiwara and I return from the hospital, we’ll let you go home and make arrangements with your families. I’ll check on visas and whatnot when we get to Tokyo.”

  I bent down and kissed Niki on the cheek. “Be good.”

  “Bye, Dada,” Niki said in the sweetest voice. He was my namesake, Nicholas being my middle name, and I’d always had a soft spot for him. That he’d chosen to call me “Dada” without any prompting made my heart melt.

  “Bye-bye, baby. See you later.”

  AT THE hospital, Cole looked far better than I did. He had asked one of the nurses to shave him and shampoo his hair. It fell around his face in a soft cloud, and I would have given anything to run my fingers through the dark mass, but I resisted. Now that our crisis was over, I had to pull back and get a handle on my emerging feelings. It would be better in the long run, and it was pointless to give Cole false hope if I ended up deciding to go back to Trent. Not that Cole had made any offers. He’d been the model of discretion but for a couple of slips when he was at death’s door.

  The doctor advised us to wait a week or so before embarking on our journey home. He was willing to release Cole to my care but advocated bed rest for the next few days. My doc was a lot more encouraging. When he removed the eye patch and shone a light on my damaged pupil, he nodded approvingly.

  “So?” I asked, afraid to hear the answer but determined to face reality. “Am I going to be blind or what?”

  “No,” he said. He covered my good eye with a plastic shield and asked me to read the letters on the chart with the damaged eye. “Can you see anything at all?”

  “It’s a bit blurry, but I can read the top two lines.”

  “Excellent. How about colors?”

  “Yeah.”

  “That’s something.”

  “If you say so.”

  “It’ll get better each day,” he said confidently. “Flying isn’t advisable with an eye injury like this, and changes in altitude might be detrimental to your damaged ear.”

  “We can’t stay here indefinitely,” I protested. “We have jobs and lives to reclaim.”

  He nodded understandingly. “There are pills I can give you to help with the air pressure, but you’ll need to be monitored as you continue to heal. Make an appointment as soon you get back home.”

  “As I’ve already mentioned, we know some of the finest eye doctors in New York.”

  “Your eardrum will have to be checked as well, so an Eye, Ear, Nose, and Throat specialist will be more appropriate in your case.”

  “Gotcha. Hand me the mirror, please,” I asked, venturing my first look at my damaged eyeball. It reminded me of a soft-boiled egg: wet and runny. The white part was still pinkish from the burst blood vessels, and the longer I stared, the queasier I got. “Gross,” I murmured, turning toward the doctor. “Are you sure it’ll improve?”

  “Most definitely.”

  I wasn’t so optimistic after seeing the mess up close, but I had to trust that he knew what he was talking about. On the way back to the hotel, Cole reached for my hand, sensing my distress.

  “Everything will be fine,” he said encouragingly. He had his emotions firmly in check, which was just as well. Now that our crisis was over, I was starting to unravel, and a confident Cole was exactly what I needed to help me get through the next few days.

  “I hope so,” I said.

  “Did you have any luck with the nannies?” he asked, deftly changing the subject to pull me out of my funky mood.

  “They’ve agreed to accompany us home,” I said as the limo approached the hotel. “They’ll need a few days to get ready.”

  “Thanks for handling that.”

  “No problem.”

  I must have sounded distant or distracted, because Cole asked, “Is there anything else I need to know?”

  “I paid Adachi with my Amex card.”

  “How much?”

  I gave him the amount, and he assured me that he’d reimburse me as soon as we got back to New York.

  “I’m not worried about it,” I said dully.

  “You’ve got something else on your mind,” he said intuitively. “What’s going on?”

  “I checked my e-mails from the hotel computer.”

  “And?”

  “Trent’s very disappointed by our decision to keep him out of the loop.”

  “That’s why you’re depressed?”r />
  “He’s furious, Cole.”

  “Understandable,” he said, “but he’ll forgive you when he realizes what you’ve accomplished. I’ll be more than happy to bear the brunt of his anger; after all, you wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t twisted your arm.”

  “Maybe I won’t be so quick to forgive him,” I said harshly. “Where was Trent when I needed him the most? I couldn’t even conjure him up in my darkest moment.”

  “What are you talking about, Sloan?”

  “Nothing,” I said morosely. “You wouldn’t understand.”

  I could never explain that I’d whored myself to buy time. Cole was under the impression that I’d been raped and tortured. And I had been, for the most part, but he’d be horrified to learn I had submitted willingly at the start. Using our fantasies to fuel my lust would be even more difficult to comprehend. Cole would never know what drove me to such a desperate act, whereas Trent might understand. He was a soldier, after all, and desperate times called for desperate measures, or something to that effect. Still, he might not be as sympathetic if he learned how I managed to keep it up under such horrible circumstances. It would be like hammering the nails in the coffin of our relationship. Either way, I’d lose.

  I leaned back against the leather headrest and sighed. “I’m exhausted, Cole.”

  “You’ve been through a lot, Sloan. I’m not surprised.”

  “I want to go home,” I said. Wherever that might be. At the moment I didn’t know up from down, right from wrong, Cole from Trent. The only thing I had left to keep me grounded to my old life were the children and their immediate needs. Everything else was in a state of upheaval.

  “It’ll be fine,” Cole said again. “Trent will forgive you as soon as you walk through the front door.”

  Would he even want me back? And where exactly was home? Was it the apartment Trent and I shared, or should I get my own place until we worked things out? I groaned out loud and prayed for the next week to fly by.

  My spirits lifted slightly as soon as we stepped into our suite and the boys squealed happily. They were on the floor playing with their toys, and quickly toddled over in our direction. I heard Cole grunt when Keni barreled into his chest, and pulled his Mini-Me off him before Keni did any serious damage.