A folded, thick piece of paper fell to the floor, and at first, I was going to disregard it, but the strangeness of it beckoned him to open it. It was a letter from Jamie.
Sam –
I had no intention of writing a letter, it seemed silly at first. An age-old custom that nearly became extinct but I thought better of it. There’s something powerful in the written word and to be successful only requires one thing – transparency. It’s impossible to write without virtue, and so here I am, and there is a lot of stuff that I wanted to say about how I am feeling, but I’ve struggled to find the words. I’ve had time to think about it, and the best way I could describe it is to tell you about who I am and when we met.
If you had asked me when I was younger if I would ever amount to anything, the answer would have been ‘no.' Could you have blamed me? Back then I had no faith because I did not have anything to be proud of nor believe in. I did not have any achievements, successes and I didn’t even have someone I could call a friend. I did not have my first date until my senior year of college (oh wait, there was that one guy in high school), and I did not accomplish significant milestones that we all have at the appropriate stages, but that’s not really how I wanted this to go. The background history is relevant, though. That’s if you really want to understand where I am coming from.
Growing up was extremely painful for me to endure and back then my family and I lived in a neighborhood where most of the residents fit into what is called the ‘low income, working class tax bracket.’ That’s a nice way of saying we were below the poverty line and crime was an everyday occurrence. Living in such a neighborhood wasn’t a safe place to be if you were by yourself, even in the daylight. My parents weren’t exactly financially sound and let’s be honest, they were struggling. It’s easy to judge me and say you’re sorry, but unless you’ve lived in my shoes, you have no idea what it was like. I don’t want to be pitied.
Back then, I developed low self-esteem, and as an adult, I often compared myself to my peers or what was seen on television. There were days of envy and worthlessness, and pretty soon walls were built up as a self-defense mechanism, unwilling to let anyone in. It did eventually get better, and I started to discover myself. If I could pinpoint the change, it would be at the Cottonwood Beach Spring Festival, the year was 2009. I was told by a palm reader that unless I let go of anger and bitterness, I wouldn’t be able to love and let love in. She also said that ‘he cared.’
I had forgotten all about the palm reader but it all came back to me suddenly, and that’s when it occurred to me recently that you were him. You were the man the palm reader spoke of. I’m sure of it. I don’t doubt your sincerity and intentions, Sam. In my anger and bitterness, I became blind and mistrusting and put you inside a box that I’ put anyone who had judged me. I put you in the same category as those that thought I wasn’t good enough, for them. I realized that’s where you were different. You genuinely cared and valued me for who I was and what I brought to your life. I couldn’t ask for anything more, but it isn’t the kind of love that I need in mine.
There is no question that I have always deserved much more than that and was worthy of getting that desired look from a man, you know the kind. The look that said ‘I can’t live without you.’ I have always wanted to be loved in every single way and a man who would give me his heart. I won’t settle because you see, I am enough.
So I thought long and hard, and after the presentation, I am submitting my letter of resignation and taking leave. Don’t blame yourself for any of this because it isn’t anything that you did specifically because all you did was be yourself. I chose to leave because it is hard for me to not want more. Honestly, I need to find myself and a way to let all of this anger towards life go so that I can make room for that one guy who deserves me.
Please don’t try to talk to me about this as nothing you will say will get me to change my mind and stay. Frankly, I wouldn’t be able to handle the conversation. Just let me have my pride. I’ll always be grateful.
~ Jamie
P.S. I’m sorry I didn’t mention this earlier.
Chapter Ten
JAMIE
PROFESSOR FELIX AND SEVERAL OF THE STUDENTS from the dojo were signed up for another match at the Uncharted 45 tournament. The Mixed Martial Arts competition was held in Las Vegas that Saturday, four hours away and it was Professor Felix’s idea to take a road trip in a party bus with those that were competing and anyone who wanted to come and show their support.
Those that didn’t were invited to attend the victory party on Sunday night he planned ahead of time to celebrate everyone’s win. It was going to be held at Professor Felix’s house with his wife and kids whether he or anyone competing actually won or not.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t go along and attend as I had to get rest before my big presentation the following week and then submit my letter of resignation. I was far too disheartened to go and enjoy myself let alone bring my friends along. I just wanted to hide under my bed covers for a couple of days and cry some more, but I had told Professor Felix I would be at the victory party on Sunday to show my support.
The weekend came too fast for me, and before I knew it, it was the night of the party. I received texts from others that most of the competitors placed in the division categories that they competed in but Professor Felix was the only one that came out on top.
I lived vicariously through them by tracking all of the photos and videos that were posted on social media. They definitely had fun, and she was proud of them and started to feel excited about the party. It had been a miserable few weeks, and I could use something like a party to get drunk at and forget it all, even if it was only for an evening.
None of my friends were available, so I had to go alone. Praying that Sam wasn’t there, I didn’t have the courage to run into him, and I had to go. Mustering all the courage I had, I grabbed my keys and took off for the party.
By the time I arrived, the party was already going with R&B music blasting, loud cheers and laughter and the street was packed with parked cars. It took me several minutes to find a parking spot a half block away, but I found one. It was great to see it packed because it showed that a lot of people united for one common cause – victory. Inside of Professor Felix’s house, there were hundreds of people, many in his living room I didn’t recognize at first until I walked further inside past his kitchen into his backyard.
I recognized other students from the dojo there, and as I stood in the doorway, I reveled in the joy and bliss everyone felt. I finally understood what it felt like; the feeling that everything was alright in the world and this was where she belong. Not Sutton Hill, not among the aristocrats or the elite. Wherever I felt loved and valued, that was home. It didn’t matter what I thought before, this must be the void that was missing.
I wondered if everyone had a void in their lives and if so, what did they do to fill it. I spent the next hour downing one tequila shot after another hoping I would get inebriated and just let loose for once.
“I need to use the restroom. I’ll be right back.” I muttered as I made my way to the closest bathroom that was adjacent to the living room. Fortunately for me, it was available, “Great! It’s open.”
I sighed as I went inside and shut the door. A couple of minutes later, as I stepped into the living room to head back outside and rejoin the partygoers, I immediately slammed into a brick wall, more like a man’s body.
“Shit.” I stumbled backward. “I’m sorry, I didn’t see you there.” Looking up it was Sam. Great.
I did not think he would have come to the party due to his busy schedule, but apparently, he showed up for the same reason I did, to show his support no matter what.
“Hi.” Sam gazed at me solemnly.
“Excuse me,” I said abruptly and shoved past him, but before I could escape, he grabbed my arm.
“Jamie, we need to talk.”
“What’s with the grabbing of my arm all the time?”
&nb
sp; “Are you drunk?”
“No, and there’s nothing to say. Leave me be.” I pulled my arm away from his grasp and stumbled towards the backyard.
“Come on, Jamie. I am trying to talk to you.”
I stopped walking and turned around, “You know this is a pretty big party, looks like there are hundreds of people here. I don’t think there’s any reason why we need to run into each other. Now, if you don’t mind me, I’m going outside.” I needed fresh air, away from the part and the drinks and mostly away from him.
Stepping out onto the front porch I breathed in the cold evening air and exhaled heavily. I couldn’t go just one night, one party without seeing Sam? Seeing him felt like I was getting stabbed in the heart repeatedly not that I knew what that felt like, but it had to be similar. How was I ever going to get through the night with him there, following me? I couldn’t leave, I hadn’t been there long enough.
“Jamie, we can talk out here or in there, either way, I’m not leaving until we do,” Sam said as he came outside.
“Then I guess you’re going to be here a very long time.” I cracked.
“Jamie…” Sam sighed before choosing his words carefully. “Jamie, I know we haven’t known each other long or spent that much time together, but whether you believe me or not, I consider you one of my greatest friends. You are an amazing individual and someone that I can really talk to. I don’t want to think you were all of that because you were trying to win me over.”
“Trying to win you over? God, how arrogant are you? You think I was nice to you because I wanted you? Wow, goes to show how little you think of me.” I scoffed at his audacity.
“Jamie, that’s not what I meant at all.” Sam sighed again.
“Well, you are certainly doing an excellent job at explaining whatever it is you have to explain.”
“Jamie, it’s rare to come across genuine people in my line of work and where I come from. For years, I’ve worked hard to take it all with a grain of salt, ignoring the intentions of others because more often than not it was something trying to either benefit from my father’s name or from my own notoriety. All I wanted to do is live as much of a normal life as possible. Do you realize what that’s like for me?” Sam tried to explain.
“Yeah, you’re whining because you’re famous and rich and women throw themselves at you. No, Sam, I do not know what that’s like because I’m not rich and I’m just a nobody. Poor you.”
“When I met you, you were genuine. You didn’t treat me like I had something you could benefit from. You treated me as I was. For the first time, I didn’t feel like Jerry Ellis’ son or that guy that traveled all over the world. I felt like Sam the surfing martial artist that happens to run a non-profit and sale on his boat with his dog. Look, I am sorry that I came across as anything more than that and if I could take it all back, I would.”
Hearing his words, I was still angry. Not at him, it was never meant for him, but I took it out on him anyway. Instead, I should have been angrier at myself. I spent so many years feeling lonely, in self-pity and the next guy that came along she took an interest in and read too much into his actions. Who would be attracted to someone like that?
“Jamie?” Sam asked when I failed to respond. Putting a hand on my shoulder, “I truly am sorry. I did not mean to lead you on, but I really did enjoy your company. I still do.”
If it wasn’t going to be him, then who was it going to be? I was already 28, and most of my peers were married with children, and I was one of the few that wasn’t. I didn’t know what was wrong with me.
“I read your letter and know your intention was to resign, but I don’t want you to. I need you.”
“For what, Sam? I’m not looking for a friend, as you can see that’s the one thing I have an abundance of. They are at this party, and I’d like to spend more time with them. I’m still going to resign, Sam.” I finally answered. “Although, I know you think kindly of me and value my presence, it still hurts. It still hurts to not…you know, I’ve spent my whole life to be hopefully despite adversity. Each time I had hope when it looked like something great was going to happen and then it doesn’t. It fails like someone is up there saying ‘Sorry Jamie, not for you!’ and it's failure after failure. Being kicked when I was already down. When is my win, Sam? When is it my turn to win?”
“Jamie, don’t you realize how lucky you are? You’ve got a lot going for you that I wish I sometimes had. You’re one of the best in our dojo and maybe even better than that, and if you would compete like Felix wants you to, I’m sure you’d succeed there. You’re in a band that you love and perform all over the state, you’ve got a lot of good close friends, and you live on the coast. How are those not wins?”
“I’m not discounting those things, but every time I’m around you now, it hurts. It hurts because I really miss the hope of you.”
“What do you mean?”
“You know that feeling in the back of your mind that something was missing. You know when I met you, I didn’t know what it was. I remembered that it had been a long time since I was genuinely interested in someone. I purposely haven’t dated in a long time because it felt like a chore and I was forcing myself to go through the motions because I didn’t want to end up alone but I just couldn’t do it, and then I met you.”
“Jamie…”
“I mean, God, look at you. Don’t you know how amazing YOU are? I’m not going to force you to feel something for me that you can’t, but as far as I see it, I’m going to have to one day settle for someone that will never be enough or be alone.”
“I don’t know what I feel about anything, Jamie. All I wanted for years was to live in peace, and I have been, and it has always been enough. As far as dating goes, once in a great while there had been women, like Amy. There had been one in particular that I foolishly married. It was a long time ago, and it failed quite quickly. She couldn’t even empathize with my father’s death. I mean I was there when he died. He died in my arms, Jamie. It was a rough period for me, and it changed who I was, and it’s part of why I keep people at a distance.”
“I’m so sorry, Sam. I didn’t know.”
“Don’t be, it was a long time ago, and I’ve moved on from it. I don’t have time to dedicate to anything or anyone else even if I wanted to. If this was another time or place, then maybe. I might have been a different person. All I know is that I don’t know and I’m not sure if I ever will. I know that isn’t what you want to hear, but it’s the truth.”
****
I did well on my presentation with Sam and Amy in front of NSK in hopes that they would agree to build a partnership to get their spirits and liquor products on retail shelves all over the country. I felt excited for them despite making the decision to resign anyway.
In the final two weeks after I submitted my resignation letter, Sam kept his distance and gave me space. I knew Sam did it because he thought it was what I wanted and maybe it helped him with the situation. It hurt to see him that way, but I knew it was the best thing for the both of us. Every day was dramatic, and emotions were running at an all-time high, and it wasn’t good to have all this drama in our lives.
We both were going to be better for it, and the ironic thing was I knew I was supposed to feel better the more time I spent away from him, but it only made me feel sadder. I missed his presence, and I could deny it all I wanted, despite everything I loved getting to know him. I tried shaking off the thought, but it was of no use. This wasn’t going to end happily ever after, this wasn’t a love story.
I had to have a long talk with myself and understand that some things don’t end the way I hoped they would and it wasn’t my fault it didn’t. Some people were just not meant to be together, and I had to be okay with knowing that. It sounded logical, but she would surely miss Sam. I felt comfortable around him enough to be myself, and for the first time in a long time, the way he looked at me sometimes made me feel like I was beautiful. A feeling I rarely felt, but it was good when it happened. I was r
eally going to miss him.
I had stopped by the office late with a cardboard box in tow to collect my belongings from my cubicle. I noticed Sam’s office door was closed, it made my heart drop. After packing up my things, answering questions and saying goodbye to the staff as they went home for the evening, Sam’s door finally opened. He stopped immediately once he saw me standing there.
“Jamie, what are you doing here?”
“Hi, Sam. I just came to pick up my belongings.”
“Oh. Need any help?”
“No, I’m just about done.”
“Alright. Can you at least give me your opinion on something?”
“Sam, I’ve gotta go.”
“Please?”
“Alright, what is it?”
“I wanted to get your opinion on the social media campaign for the retail launch. You were always good with content.”
“Okay, I’ll take a look at it.”
“Great! The storyboard is in my car, let me go get it. I’ll be right back.” Sam said as he ran out the door.
A minute later, the door swung open, “Did you find it?”
“Find what?” the voice said. I looked up, and it wasn’t Sam, it was Mark, the Foundation’s attorney.
“Oh, sorry, I thought you were Sam.”
“Speaking of which, where is he? Gone for the day?”
“No, he just stepped out for a minute, but he’ll be back.”
“What’s with the box?” Mark stood near my desk.
“I’m packing my things. I don’t know if Sam told you, but I quit.” I explained.
“Really? Why?” His finger traced the top of the box with my belongings. Mark started to close the distance between us, and it began to make me uncomfortable, so I walked around him to increase the distance between us.
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