Becoming Maddie (The Casterhouse series Book 1)

by Hannah Gittins

  “Okay Ruby, have a good chin wag with your friend and I will see you tonight for take away and movie.” Aiden said.

  Maddie had forgot that last night he had whispered her to sleep with those plans. He remembered that he had made them and seemed to be following through on them. Last night felt like such a long time ago. With everything that happened this morning between herself and Aiden, then the walk and chat with Eddie, Maddie could almost forget that she had shared some of the worst times of her life with Aiden in the middle of the night.

  Did she regret it? No. Did she wish that she didn’t have to share it? A bit. More of what Maddie was feeling was that she wished it had either never happened or that they could just pretend it didn’t.

  Then she remembered what Aiden had said last night and again this morning. They would work through it together then they wouldn’t have to bring it up ever.

  Smiling Maddie decided that she need to thank Aiden somehow tonight.

  “Okay baby.” Maddie said softly into the phone. “See you tonight.”

  “Tonight Ruby.” Aiden replied before the line went dead and she took the phone away from her ear.

  Looking down at the phone she tried to work out just how many hours it would be before he was back in her flat. Too many.

  “You did the deed with him.” Sarah stated making Maddie spin on the spot to look at her friend.

  Sarah was still sat at the breakfast bar but she was now turned so that her back was against the bar and her front was totally facing Maddie. The look on her face was still blank and Maddie still didn’t know what to make of it.

  “Em…” Maddie stalled not really sure what to say because she was never a very good liar. “Sort of.”

  Sarah just looked at her with one eyebrow raised.

  “Sort of?” she said. “How can you sort of do the ‘deed’ with someone?”

  Maddie flipped the phone in her hand over and over again suddenly feeling like a naughty school girl getting a telling off for skiving school. Not that Maddie had ever done that. Her parents would have killed her.

  “You can’t really.” Maddie said back. “So I guess we did do the…’deed’.”

  Feeling silly for not wanting to admit to doing something that made her feel happy she walked over to the breakfast bar and sat down. Sarah turned on her stool and looked towards Maddie.

  Why was Sarah so curious? In fact it almost seemed more than curious. Maddie couldn’t quite put her finger on it she just knew that there was something going on with Sarah and it had something to do with Aiden.

  “Sarah why does it matter?” Maddie asked picking up her tea trying to give her friend time before she answered.

  Sarah answered straight away though.

  “I thought you two would just be a light bit of fun.” Sarah said quickly. “I thought you two would get together, have a laugh and some dirty fun times together then part ways friends but that’s not what you are.”

  Maddie’s mouth had dropped open. What did she just say?

  “What?” Maddie asked totally confused.

  “That’s why I tried to get you together because I thought he would help bring you out of yourself a bit.” Sarah rushed on not really answering Maddie’s question. “When you got hurt he took it really serious. Then he stayed with you all day and every night till you got out. Then when you were out he still stayed with you every night. That’s not having a laugh and sharing some dirty times before parting ways. You guys are not doing that. You guys are doing something serious.”

  Sarah put her elbows on the counter and let her head fall into her hands.

  Maddie was still trying to make it all make sense in her head. Was her friend upset because Maddie and Aiden were being more than a causal thing?

  Were they being more than a causal thing? Maddie’s gut said ‘yes’ straight away but now she was getting worried that they weren’t.

  “Sarah…I am not totally sure I get this.” Maddie said still holding her tea but looking at her hunched over friend. “You wanted me to be fuck buddies with Aiden.”

  Sarah sat up quickly and looked at Maddie.

  “Well maybe not that exactly but maybe something along those line.” Sarah said shaking her head clearly upset.

  “So fuck buddies.” Maddie clarified again.

  Why not call it what Sarah meant it to be?

  “I just wanted you to have fun and realise that there were good guys out there.” Sarah said trying hard to explain. “I didn’t realise that you would become so attached to Aiden and him to you. I thought you would take the whole dating thing slowly so it didn’t become too much.”

  Maddie looked at her friend slowly starting to get the picture. Sarah didn’t think she was ready for a serious relationship after what she went through in her past. She was just trying to set Maddie up with some one that would have some fun with her but it would never become serious.

  It was actually a bit sweet and kind. Sarah had meant the best for Maddie she just didn’t necessarily go about it the right way. Not that it mattered because she and Aiden were not ‘fuck buddies’. They were way more than that.

  There was one question though that Maddie wondered about.

  “Why Aiden?” Maddie asked.

  Sarah didn’t seem to notice that Maddie wasn’t upset just curious.

  “I thought he would be perfect because he slept with loads of women and didn’t seem to be settling down at all. I thought he would show you a good time and then you could move on to find someone safe for you.” Sarah explained.

  Maddie didn’t say anything this time. She looked down into her tea without seeing it. Aiden was the perfect choice because he slept with loads of woman.

  Was that what Maddie was to him? A hard to get woman that would just be another notch on his bedpost. Just another name to cross off the list.

  “But it all went wrong and now you and Aiden are both in so deep and I am so worried about you.” Sarah said reaching out to grab Maddie’s hand. “I am so scared that it will be too much for you and bring up bad memories or that it will go bad and you will never try again.”

  Maddie felt Sarah’s hand but didn’t really hear what she was saying.

  Aiden wasn’t into this as much as she was. Of course he wasn’t! He had just been upset because of what his sister had done to her and wanted to make sure she was okay. Once Aiden had seen that Maddie was okay he went on to bedding her. Soon he would bethanking her for the fun and move on to the next woman.

  This wasn’t exactly the first time that she had been told that Aiden liked his women. Jessica had spat it in Maddie’s face when she and Aiden had been round at Fiona and Eddie’s for dinner. What was it Jessica had called her?

  Aiden’s ‘new piece of ass’.

  At the time Maddie had thought Jessica was just angry and trying to hurt everybody that was sat round that table. That, or she was trying to wind Aiden up. Really what she had been doing was warning her.

  ‘Aiden will get what he wants and throw you away like he did to all the rest of his whores. He only thinks of himself, always has, always will.’

  Why didn’t Maddie listen to that! She had been sucked-in by everything Aiden did and now she was in so deep it was going to hurt so bad to break away.

  “Maddie are you there?” Sarah asked waving her hand in front of Maddie’s face.

  Maddie jolted back to the present with a painful bump. Gone was the megawatt smile from her face, gone was the happy memories of the morning and now she hated the aching muscles in her body that just made her feel like a fool.

  “Sorry, yeah, I am here.” Maddie said trying to act like she wasn’t breaking apart inside but she couldn’t stop her voice from sounding hollow. “You don’t need to worry Sarah. It is just fun.”

  Her neighbour frowned at Maddie.

  “Are you sure?” Sarah asked. “Because it didn’t look that way in the hospital or sound that way when you were just on the phone.”

  How could Maddie be in so much
pain from losing something that she didn’t have? So she may have thought what she and Aiden were doing together was world shattering, that they were starting something new together, something beautiful but they weren’t. She had only known him a couple of weeks now so why did it feel so awful.

  The best thing to do was just kill it all and bring her shields back up. This is what happens when you let people in. You get hurt and let down time and time again.

  “That’s nothing.” Maddie said to Sarah. “We have talked about it and we know it’s just causal.”

  Sarah still frowning at her clearly didn’t believe what she was hearing but wasn’t sure how to go about asking more.

  Maddie was not in the mood for questions so needed this to end now.

  “Actually Sarah I have a couple of things to do round here.” Maddie said making it abundantly clear that she wanted Sarah to go so she could get on with her ‘things’.

  Her friend looked a little hurt that Maddie wasn’t sharing whatever was going on inside her head but nodded and slid off the stool.

  “Okay.” Sarah muttered to Maddie who hadn’t made any move to show her friend out. “I will speak to you later then.”

  Maddie just nodded.

  She sat on the stool for long after Sarah had left trying to work out what she was going to do. Maddie needed to come up with a plan, if she was busy she wouldn’t think about things.

  Having made her decision Maddie went through to her bedroom and ripped the sheets off the bed. Picking them up quickly she went to the washing machine in the kitchen and put them in to wash. She then looked up movie times for anything that was on that night at the cinema, picked something at random and made sure that she was out of the house for when Aiden would come round.

  Just before she left the house Maddie shoved her hair up in a bobble then bent down and hugged her husky.

  “Sorry Marv.” Maddie whispered into his neck. “You have to forget Aiden. I know this seems crazy but we can’t see him anymore. I can’t get hurt anymore. It’s gonna be just you and me again buddy.”

  The dog let his Mistress hug him. He didn’t understand what was going on with her but knew that she was really upset.

  Maddie stood, got her bag and keys and closed the front door as she headed out to the cinema. Hopefully Aiden would find her too hard work for a couple of night’s fun and move on to someone else.

  Even as Maddie was doing all this there was a small, quiet voice inside her head that said she should wait and speak to him tonight. Maybe he would be able to explain. Maybe he would make her see that she didn’t need to do what she was doing.

  The problem was a louder voice in her head was screaming at her.

  “RUN!”

  Chapter 19

  The film played on the big screen, it was being watched by everyone in the room bar one. The people that were watching seemed to think it was good enough that their attention was being held. Every now and again there was a little chuckle or a gasp. All of which Maddie did not take part in. She wouldn’t have even been able to tell you what the film was.

  Maddie didn’t even have her head pointed up so that she could see the screen. Instead she was staring at the back of the seat in front of her. Being hidden away in the back meant that she could watch the door and it wouldn’t matter if she wasn’t being held captive by the film or not.

  Instead, Maddie’s brain was running through every moment that she had spent in Aiden’s company. Every touch and every word was played again and again as if she was watching it on the back of the seat in front of her. It was almost like she was watching her own film that was filled with the bitter sweet moments of the last few weeks.

  How many times had Aiden thought about a way to play the situation so that he could get her into bed? Why did he listen to her spill all her sorry sob story to him? Was that all done so that he could have a good time with her for a while? But how did making her share everything with him matter? Did that fit into the plan too?

  Maddie was not an idiot. She knew Aiden was a handsome man and that he definitely wasn’t a virgin but to play women or sleep with as many as Sarah implied? Surely he didn’t need to do that? If he was using tactics to get a women into bed then he was really good at it. How many had he spoken to late at night like he did her? How did he manage to know exactly what she wanted to hear?

  Jessica had made it clear that there had been many woman before her and that she was just another piece of ass in a long line of pieces of ass. Sarah had, unintentionally, told her almost exactly the same thing.

  Maybe it was because he had had so much practice at it. That train of thought just led her back to thinking about just how many times he had done this before.

  Even as she thought all this stuff she wanted to cry. It felt so wrong. It didn’t fit with the Aiden that she had come to know, or at least, who she thought she had come to know.

  Lifting her hand in the dark to touch her bottom lip she remembered his kisses, from the first to the last one.

  That morning Aiden had kissed her on the lips, long and sweetly, making sure that he didn’t stop till Maddie was leaning against him, giving him her full weight. He had pulled back and smiled at her before kissing her on the nose. Then had left, promising he would phone later, which he did.

  Had that all been a lie?

  Her brain said it could well be. Her gut said ‘no way’.

  Maddie’s heart was scared.

  As the film went on Maddie carried on thinking about what had gone between them both. The fighting and the stubbornness on her behalf. Could sleeping with her really be worth putting up with that? If it was the other way round, she would have to seriously like the person for her to have to work her way past the anger to get to the sex.

  Then other things started to emerge from her memories or rather she started to look at things a different way.

  On their first date, that wasn’t really a first date, Aiden had taken her to Eddie and Fiona’s. He had taken other woman there? It didn’t strike her likely. The way they had been so pleased to have her join them for dinner that night made her think that it was not something Aiden had done before.

  Surely if he had had someone else come to their dinner then Fiona and Eddie wouldn’t have met up with her. After all they both had at separate times. Fiona for dinner and Eddie for a coffee in the park. Surely if Aiden brought woman round all the time they wouldn’t make an effort with her like they are.

  There had been the way he came back to her bed every night when she was recovering from the attack. He never once tried anything. He waited until she was ready to take it to another level.

  Is that what makes him so good at fooling women? Lulling them into a false sense of security? Maddie thought not. For some reason it struck her heart in a totally different way. It was like he didn’t want to push her, like he wanted the time when they did join to be special. To mean something.

  How could she even begin to explain how it felt to be laying wrapped in his arms, surely that was no lie? Surely something that meant so much to her could not be a lie?

  Putting a hand to her mouth Maddie smothered the gasp/sob that came from somewhere deep inside her. Somewhere that hurt her a lot. No, Maddie couldn’t even think about that being a lie. Aiden felt it too. He reached for her every time he got into bed with her. Really there weren’t a lot of times when Aiden didn’t make sure that they were touching.

  That was no lie.

  Maddie sucked air in, past the hand that was still over her mouth, she had made such a mistake. What the hell had she done!

  Everything Aiden did was true. He never once acted like he didn’t want to be in whatever moment they were in and gave nothing but himself.

  Maddie on the other hand held back, until last night that was, then she let everything go, shared, and then let herself really relax around him this morning. Now she was having a total freak out without talking to him and ruining everything.

  Why did she do this to herself?

&nb
sp; Maddie had ruined everything.

  Aiden was perfect.

  Wrapping her arms round herself Maddie started to rock in her seat. She tilted her head down further as she looked at her feet while everything that she had thrown away swept over her. How could she make this right? What was she going to do to make it all go back to how it was this morning?

  Maddie had broken something beautiful and turned it into crap. Why? Why had she done that?

  So what did she do now? How did she fix it? Could she fix it?

  Instead of jumping to her feet and rushing out of the cinema to try and see if she could sort out the mess she had made between her and Aiden, Maddie just kept sitting there rocking backwards and forwards.

  Maybe she shouldn’t leave the cinema, maybe she shouldn’t ever leave the cinema. There was nothing that she could ruin here. There was absolutely nothing that she could do wrong here. She couldn’t hurt people here and they wouldn’t hurt her.

  As Maddie sat there feeling totally lost and wanting nothing more than getting a massive hug from Aiden, maybe more from Aiden, the film played on and she saw none of it.

  What she also wasn’t watching was the door. This meant that she missed the tall dark figure walking in and making his way up the aisle to the end of the row that Maddie sat in. Then he made his way along the row and sat down in the seat next to her.

  Maddie stopped rocking straight away and turned to look at the man sat next to her. The flickering light that came from the screen lit up Aiden’s face. It showed that he was not happy at all. In fact he was long past happy.

  His lips were tight and his brow was frowning. He sat with his legs spread wide and his arms crossed. What caught Maddie the most was that he didn’t move anything. Not a muscle. Once he sat down he didn’t say anything to her, tap his foot or even look in her direction. Aiden just sat down and looked at the film.

  “Aiden-” Maddie started to mutter.

  Then Aiden moved quickly and with a sharp direct movements. He put his hand up in a silencing movement.

  Straight away Maddie bit her lips and didn’t say anything else but kept looking at him. Waiting for him to say more but he didn’t. Aiden just kept watching the film and giving nothing away but his fury.