Finding Forever

by Linda Oaks

  I slammed the round silver button with the heel of my hand hating that her words managed to get to me. If Devon didn’t want me here, he would ask me to leave. Wouldn’t he? This was just typical Blair trying to mess with my head… that’s what she did best. She liked to make me feel as if I didn’t belong; she tried to make me feel small and inferior. Waiting for her to tire of her game, I took my time letting the dryer run until it shut off even though my hands were already dry. She didn’t give up and when I glanced her way, she was still watching me. Her expression filled with distaste.

  Well, that was just too fucking bad if the queen didn’t like it. I wasn’t one of her lowly subjects, and I sure as hell wasn’t going anywhere.

  When I turned for the door, I heard her say, “Kara, we need to talk.” Turning back around, I walked toward her watching her eyes widen with surprise. She had better be afraid. I’d about had enough of her shit.

  “What do we need to talk about, Blair?” I asked, gripping my tiny clutch. I was sure I’d probably crushed the tube of Goddess Pink inside. Too bad, I wasn’t packing my mace tonight.

  Her expression went lax then solemn, and she shifted on her high heels staring back at me. “Thank you,” she said, and it was a miracle I didn’t fall over in a faint after hearing her say those words to me. My ears had to be playing tricks on me. There had to be some mistake. I did not just hear her thank me, did I?

  Some of the tension eased from my body noting her now genuine expression. She smiled tightly. Was she actually trying to be nice to me? I didn’t trust her, but I was willing to try for Jagger and Devon’s sake. “You’re welcome, Blair, but what are you thanking me for?” I asked, feeling confused.

  “For caring about Jagger,” she replied, and then she lifted a hand and brushed her wavy dark hair back over her left shoulder. It was impossible not to care about Jagger. “He really likes you, and I understand that Devon still has feelings for you, too. It’s hard to give up your first love.” Her voice was soft and filled with compassion, and I stood there staring back at her trying to understand why the sudden change of heart. I could have sworn she hated my guts, and now she acted as if she wanted to be friends.

  “What are you doing here, Blair?” I asked, still not trusting her intentions. Her dark shapely eyebrows arched in surprise at my question. She sighed, sliding the strap of her purse onto her slim shoulder.

  “There are things you’re not aware of, Kara. Sure Devon cares for you, but he wants a family with Jagger and me. Those were his words,” she said, growing quiet as if waiting for me to explode. When I didn’t speak, she shook her head as if confused — obviously she had not received the reaction she expected or hoped for. “He doesn’t love you, Kara. He loves me.” This time though, when I started to speak, she held up her hand. “Give me a second. Let me explain.”

  Crossing my arms over my chest, I stood there staring back at her. My fingernails snagged in the fabric of my clutch as I gripped it tighter. “Jagger wants his mommy and daddy to be together — a family. You of all people should know how much it means to a child to have both parents in the home.”

  That was a low blow, and her words brought tears to my eyes. She knew about my dad. Of course, she did. There was nothing sacred in this town. Everyone tried to keep up with everybody else’s business instead of minding their own.

  Silently counting to ten, I tried to remain calm knowing I should probably just turn around and walk away, but there was still some sick part of me that wanted to hear whatever it was she thought I should know. “When your dad hit Devon that day, anything he felt for you…”

  “What?” I gasped, interrupting her before she could continue. “What did you say? When my dad hit Devon?” I demanded, my voice rising hysterically high. I felt short of breath. She nodded in reply.

  “You mean, you didn’t know?’ She asked, appearing innocent as I stood there numbly staring back at her. My heart shattered inside of my chest. Pain clawed its way through my veins, sliding throughout my body and shredding me from the inside out. My hands shook. Tears silently slipped down my cheeks. Inside, I wanted to scream. I wanted to hate her, but I couldn’t feel anything anymore.

  “For some insane reason, your dad was receiving money from Devon. I think he was paying him to stay away from you and your mom.” Distantly, I heard the tube of Goddess Pink crack beneath the pressure of my grip. A buzzing sound roared in my ears, and I felt light headed. Numb, I walked to the sink and laid my clutch on the counter. My mind chaotically spun with her words.

  I turned on the faucet, cupped my hands, leaned over the sink, and splashed water onto my face. No! No! No! I silently chanted over and over in my mind. It couldn’t be true, but deep down the truth of her words settled like a festering, rotten pit in the bottom of my stomach making me want to wretch. With my eyes squeezed tight, water mingled with the tears sliding steadily down my cheeks. The distant sound of clicking high heels rung in my ears.

  Every dream I’d ever dreamt of a life with Devon seeped from the corners of my eyes leaving me hollow and empty. Everything I’d ever imagined for myself crumbled to dust within the remaining shell of my tattered heart. I covered my face with my hands, sunk to my knees, and cried for all that I had lost.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  THERE WAS NO NEED TO even bother with stopping by Jagger’s room. Blair had been right all along. I didn’t belong here. Instead of hanging around and causing myself more heartache, I’d taken the stairs, peeling off my shoes after the second flight and hurrying toward the lobby, desperate to escape. There were times though it didn’t matter how fast you ran or how far, you never could outrun yourself. This trip home had definitely been an eye opener. The blinders I’d worn were off. There was nothing left except for the harsh reality of my life — a life no longer including Devon or Jagger.

  If I met someone along the stairwell, I ignored them. With my head down, the conversation with Blair was stuck on repeat playing over and over in my mind. She was right. Jagger needed his mom and his dad, not someone who had grown up in a single parent home like me. At any other time the idea may have seemed ridiculous, but right now knowing what I did… this decision was the best for everyone. I was going home — back to the city and as far away from Crawley as I could get.

  Devon could never love me. He’d never be able to see past the accident. What we’d had as teenagers was history. Sure the chemistry was still there. The sex was phenomenal, but I’d never be anything more than a painful reminder; a link to a day in his past that he would never be able to forget if I stuck around. Maybe, we weren’t more than sex. It was better this way for everyone involved. I couldn’t believe my father had ruined any chance for Devon and me. He had already cost me more than I had to give. Whatever had happened, it appeared I would pay for the sins of my father and pay for them dearly.

  I slipped from the stairwell, cut through the lobby leaving Devon’s keys at the front desk, and headed for the exit with my eyes downcast on the floor. My shoes dangled in my hand along with my clutch. I felt numb and the longer I remained inside the hospital, the harder it became for me to breathe. When I walked outside, the chilly morning air greeted me. Its crispness danced along my skin and caused me to shiver.

  Along the walkway, I occasionally glanced over my shoulder looking at the parking lot and decided to dart around the corner of the building since I didn’t want to take a chance on Mom or Clyde spotting me. I couldn’t face them right now. I couldn’t explain.

  “Ump,” I gasped, plowing directly into a wall of solid muscle. For a second, the fleeting glimpse of a broad chest had registered, but I’d been too busy not paying any attention as to where I was going. Of all the nights for me to leave my mace at home, it had to be tonight. My eyes flew upward meeting the hazel eyes of a huge man who stood towering over me. He was gripping my upper arms firmly in his big hands.

  “Are you all right?” he asked, his voice scratchy and husky. He wore leather. Behind him parked near
the curb sat a motorcycle. “Hey,” he said, and my eyes flew upward meeting his concerned stare.

  “Yeah, I’m sorry,” I said, sounding as distracted as I felt and took a moment to really look at him this time. His hair was brown and kind of long and shaggy just like Devon’s. His keen sharp eyes studied my face curiously. The full beard and the scar running through his right eyebrow was cause for concern even though they didn’t detract from the handsomeness of his features. He looked like a tough customer. He was also a little bit scary. “You can let me go now.” I said, intending to run away as soon as his big hands released me.

  “Do I know you?” he asked, appearing momentarily confused. I shook my head no. I’d definitely remember tall, dark, and scary, but the longer I studied him a nagging pinpoint of recognition prickled the edges of my mind. There was something about him that seemed oddly familiar.

  “Didn’t you used to run around with Addie?” he asked, and then his insightful eyes grew distant and his hands suddenly released me. He sighed, and it almost seemed as if he’d regretted asking the question. “Confused you with someone else.” He muttered then turned walking toward the black bike.

  OMG! I knew him.

  “Nate!” I called out, and he paused for a second before continuing to walk away. “Nate Lucas!” I yelled, wiping the wetness from my cheeks. I cleared my throat and began walking after him. Nate had left for college right after graduation. I hadn’t seen him since. He’d been devastated by the tragic death of his high school sweetheart. I’d remembered that scar. He’d gotten it while climbing the big oak tree outside his grandmother’s house. At least that was what Natalie had told Addie and I whenever we’d asked. Sometimes, Addie’s sister would allow us to pal around with her and her boyfriend. The Nate I remembered had always been full of smiles and fun, dragging Addie and me along with him and Natalie on occasion.

  He’d already slung his muscular thigh over his bike preparing to leave, so I hurried after him. A pair of goggles with clear lenses shielded his guarded hazel eyes. “It’s you, isn’t it?” I asked, wondering if Addie knew he was back in town. “Still just as aggravating as I remember,” he grumbled, kicking up the kickstand. A frown marred his handsome face.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked, and when he proceeded to ignore me, I laid my hand over his, which rested on the throttle of his bike. At the contact, his big body tensed. His eyes pinned me with a hard glare.

  “What do you want?” He growled, and I quickly jerked my hand back studying him.

  “Nothing, Nate,” I replied, momentarily regretting my decision to follow after him. I glanced around the parking lot. I needed a ride, and despite his grouchiness, he was it. He just didn’t know it yet. “Can you give me a lift to my mom’s house?” I asked. At the moment, he was my only option. I was desperate.

  His sharp eyes studied my face and narrowed. He was going to say no. I just knew it. “Has someone hurt you?” He asked, stone faced. His expression was hard as granite. The way he behaved made me think if I said yes, he was ready to go and beat the hell out of someone for me. This Nate was nothing like the Nate I’d remembered from years ago. I wondered if he ever smiled or if he’d had any reason to after Natalie passed away.

  “No,” I lied, my gaze flickering from his. It wasn’t any of his business. “I just need a ride to my mom’s.”

  His forehead wrinkled in thought. He started the bike then impatiently glanced over at me. “Hop on,” he snarled, and I placed my hand on his broad shoulder, hiking up my dress and throwing my leg over the bike and sat down behind him. “Hang on,” he ordered, so I scooted closer to him, sliding my arms around his waist while trying to keep as much distance as possible between us. But when the bike took off like a rocket, I clung to his back like a monkey. Fuck that! If Devon had a lead foot… well, Nate’s was made of pure steel.

  When we arrived at my mom’s trailer, he didn’t say a word even though I’d thanked him for bringing me home. I’d offered him money. His dangerous expression at the mention of money had caused me concern. He’d acted as if I’d insulted him. Then he’d roared away on his bike leaving me puzzled as to why he’d finally returned to Crawley. He’d lost the love of his life here. Once I left town this time… unlike Nate, I wasn’t ever coming back. Some bridges were better off burned.

  Letting myself in the trailer, I paused in the kitchen to grab a post it note and a pen from the basket my momma left sitting out on the table. I scribbled a quick note explaining I had to go home and would call her later. I loved my mom, but it was better this way. She’d deliberately kept the fact that my father had been the cause of Devon’s accident from me. It all made sense now. The reason for Devon’s behavior all of these years. The reason as to why he would never love me like I loved him in return. I wasn’t it for him, just a painful reminder he’d be better off forgetting.

  Sticking the note on the refrigerator door, I hurried down the hallway to my bedroom. “I’m not a coward,” I muttered, repeatedly as I grabbed my suitcase and threw in the remainder of my things. I changed out of my dress, wading up the silky material into a ball and tossing it into the trash as I double-checked to make sure I had everything that was mine from the bathroom. In jeans and a T-shirt, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I grabbed an elastic band from the vanity drawer and pulled my hair up into a ponytail. I looked like shit, but it couldn’t be helped. It had been a horrible night, followed by one of the second worst days of my life, but I’d brought this all on myself by returning to Crawley. I should have never come back. Devon was my past, and it was best to put him behind me no matter how much it hurt.

  Carrying my suitcase down the hall, I left it by the door and walked over to the couch. I slipped my phone from my back pocket before plopping down on to the cushions. I called the airport and changed my flight to an earlier time. It left later this evening.

  It was a little after three in the morning. Mavis would bitch, but I needed her help. I flipped through the phone book laying on the coffee table looking for her number inside. She had to let me stay with her until I left town. There was no way I could remain here. I couldn’t face my mom knowing what she’d done, and the thought of seeing Devon before I left was unbearable. I couldn’t face him. He would be fine. He’d survived without me. Jagger would too. He had his mom and his dad. Blair could finally have her happy little family and her happy ever after. Devon wasn’t my forever. No matter how much it hurt me to admit that painful truth to myself. How could someone be your forever when you were nothing more than a painful reminder of their past? My father had destroyed everything.

  Mavis finally picked up after the tenth ring. “Who the hell is this?” She grumbled, sounding half asleep. Her crankiness made me smile despite my current mood. I was glad she couldn’t see me through the phone.

  “Mavis, it’s me,” I croaked, silently praying that she would be willing to let me stay with her. Growing up, Mavis had always been like an aunt to me. She was family, and family helped each other out in a pinch.

  Well, I was in a pinch, and I needed her now, damn it!

  “Why in the hell are you calling me at three o’clock in the morning, Kara?” She asked, her voice sounding more alert and awake.

  I swallowed, feeling nervous. If she called my mom, I’d be pissed. “You can’t tell my mom. I mean it, Mavis. I’m trusting you. I need you to come and pick me up right now.”

  “Why?” she asked curiously, but there was the shuffling sounds of her moving around the room drifting through the phone. My shoulders sagged with relief. She was going to do it. She was too nosey not to. I’d once told Mavis curiosity killed the cat. She’d snorted and snarkily retorted that, “Satisfaction brought it back.” It was hard to argue with her logic.

  Sinking back against the couch, I frowned down at the phone in my hand. I had her on speakerphone. Of course she wanted to know why. She couldn’t just do as I asked. “Just hurry. I’ll explain everything later,” I snapped, feeling s
lightly annoyed and anxious at the thoughts of possibly facing anyone. I just needed a place to hide and lick my wounds. Was that too much to ask for? Plus, I wanted answers, and suspected Mavis would have those for me since she and my momma were the best of friends; she knew all of her secrets.

  “Damn it,” she muttered over the phone, grunting in pain. “I just stubbed my effing toe. You at your mom’s?” she asked, and I breathed a huge sigh of relief.

  “Yeah, Mavis,” I replied, wishing I hadn’t had to call her at all and that my car was repaired. If it had been, I’d already be gone, but it stayed in the shop more than it ran.

  After a few minutes of silence followed by more rustling, I heard. “I’m on my way.” The line went dead. Nothing else, but that was typical of Mavis.

  When the older model black Cadillac pulled up in the drive, I walked down the front porch steps packing my suitcase. The sky overhead had grown lighter with morning on the horizon. The promise of a new day left me feeling bitter. “This better be good,” I heard her say, as I shoved my suitcase in the backseat and shut the door.

  Mavis’s sleek bob was hidden beneath a paisley colored scarf. She looked funny. She wore a blue bathrobe not even bothering with taking the time to dress. “I still got my gown on,” she stated, backing out onto the street and heading down the road.

  “Thanks, Mavis,” I said, and her eyes briefly flickered from the road to mine then back on the road. Leaning my head against the seat and closing my eyes, I allowed myself to relax for the first time since leaving the hospital.

  “Don’t get too comfortable,” Mavis chirped. “You need to tell me what’s going on.” I tried to ignore her, but the click of her lighter and the smell of cigarette smoke wafting around me had me leaning forward and rolling down my window halfway. I couldn’t catch a break. “Ante up, little girl, or I turn this car around right now.” She demanded.

  “I know everything, Mavis,” I said, feeling my eyes well with fresh tears. “My dad caused Devon’s accident.”