Finding Forever

by Linda Oaks

“Kara,” he said, his voice sounded gravelly and harsh. His biceps bulged against the orange scrub top he wore as he held the phone in his cuffed hands up to his ear. There was a row of numbers along the left side of his broad chest. “Kara,” he repeated, and my gaze jerked meeting his.

  “Jack,” I replied, my voice barely above a whisper. I cleared my throat, hating that my tone had been filled with an uncertainty that I’d hoped to have kept hidden from him. He was as blank as a piece of slate and just as hard. I couldn’t read him. It was as if the man had no emotions at all.

  “You look like your mom,” he stated, his eye still locked on my face. “I thought you were her for a moment.”

  “I don’t think she will be coming for a visit anytime soon,” I told him, and he smirked.

  “Yeah, you’re probably right. Well, what do you want?” He asked, cutting right to the chase. If I’d been expecting any kind of remorse from this man, then I’d been deluding myself. He seemed as if he could care less. “Either talk or I’m leaving. What do you want?” He demanded, pinning me beneath a hard stare.

  There were so many questions without any answers. All these angry accusations I wanted to hurl in his face. I wanted to make him hurt, but every hurtful thing I’d planned to say while waiting in the lobby disappeared in the blink of an eye. My mind went blank. “Did you think you’d come here expecting to find me all smiles and happy to see you?” he snarled, his big body tensing. “I’ve never been your daddy, girl, and I ain’t going to start now. Fuck,” he muttered, when tears started spilling down my cheeks. I couldn’t stop crying.

  His expression grew even darker. I gripped the receiver so tight it was miracle it didn’t snap. “Guard!” He yelled, almost busting my eardrum.

  His gaze met mine once more, and he smiled as he hung up the phone. Then he pushed back his chair and stood waiting for the guard as he gazed stoically through the glass at me. There was nothing in his eyes or in his expression to even remotely hint at any affection for me. It was as hollow as his heart. I was nothing to him; always had been and always would be. Nothing.

  When the guard approached, he turned, walking away and never looked back. My knees shook. A sob exploded from my throat and spilled past my lips. With shaky hands, I gripped the desk and stood frantically looking around. I had to get out of here. My cheeks were wet, and I raised my hand brushing away the tears. “This way, miss,” someone said, and I turned noticing the guard now standing behind me. He walked me over to the door and led me from the room.

  As I drove through the gates leaving the prison, I tried not to look back. It was bad luck. My momma had always said so. Never look back from wherever you’re leaving. It’s behind you now and has no business tainting what lies ahead. That advice was easier said than done. There were times you just had to sneak a peek at what you were leaving behind. I’d wanted closure, but sometimes… there was no closure. We just had to accept a situation for what it was and try to move on even if it broke your heart.

  With a few hours to kill before I had to catch my plane, I ended up driving aimlessly through the city as if on autopilot. I didn’t remember any of the streets I’d taken. When I spotted a park, I gave my signal and took a left, pulling into a parking lot where I sat numbly staring out the windshield at the people already gathered there enjoying the perfect weather. The sun was shining. It was a beautiful day unbefitting my current mood.

  Everyone seemed so happy, going about their lives blissfully unaware of what the person next to them may or may not be struggling with. We all wore masks. We all had secrets. Only some were better at hiding theirs than others. I was such a fool. Always wearing my heart on my sleeve. When would I ever learn? Apparently… never.

  I wiped my face with my hands, flipped down the visor, and stared at my reflection. “You’re a hot mess,” I muttered, shaking my head in disgust and closing the visor. I pulled my phone from my clutch and dialed the airport. Lucky for me, they managed to bump up my flight to an earlier time. It left in an hour. Since there were five new messages all from Addie, I shot her a quick text letting her know that I was fine and would explain everything later. She tended to worry, and almost immediately she texted back with a frowny face and a simple okay.

  Next was Brandon, and I told him to leave Captain Morgan behind since I was officially swearing off men. There was no reply. Then came Devon. I gnawed my lower lip as I typed the following words, I’m going home. Goodbye, Devon. I slipped the phone inside my clutch without waiting to see if he replied. What could he say now, anyway? It was too late.

  A tear slipped down my cheek as I stared through the windshield focusing on a little girl in a blue dress with dark hair holding on to a red balloon. A young boy close to Jagger’s age was running in circles around her, probably her little brother. The mom and dad held hands smiling at one another. They were a family. That was all that I’d ever wanted. A family to call my own. I’d never felt so empty in all of my life. Somehow, I‘d survived walking away from Devon once. I didn’t know how I would manage to do it again.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  WORK OCCUPIED MY DAYS. My nights… well, they were an entirely different story. I’d tried to keep myself busy. I read. I went out on the town with my co-worker, Susan. I watched movies. I even resorted to watching Hope Floats once again thinking that would do the trick, but nothing worked… not even Harry Connick Jr. wearing a cowboy hat. It was hopeless, so instead, I’d ended up purchasing a cat. A cute, little, furry kitten that I named Dairy because he was solid white, but not even his mischievous antics were enough to help me rise from the funk I seemed to be stuck in.

  I missed Devon, plain and simple. The gaping wound inside my chest was a daily reminder of his absence, but miraculously… my heart kept right on beating. Life seemed empty now, devoid of any color. There was no joy to be found. Each day was spent just going through the motions but never really feeling any happiness, never really living.

  For the first week after my return, Devon had called every single day. I refused to answer his calls. I could be stubborn, too. I didn’t need to hear him invite me to his and Blair’s wedding. Then, it seemed he’d finally given up. The calls ceased. I’d spoken to Addie and my mom so I knew that Jagger was all right. Anyway if I heard Devon’s voice, I’d crumble into dust. Just hearing him say my name would destroy me. This way, it was better. Cut all ties and try to forget the piece of my soul that I’d left behind in Crawley.

  Brandon and Cal had visited, stopping by after returning from their honeymoon. They stayed overnight, and instead of bringing me the hot man that he’d promised, he’d brought me something better… a bottle of Captain Morgan.

  They’d both been golden brown from their trip to Jamaica and full of secretive smiles. Their love for each other evident to anyone who could see the two of them together. There wasn’t any doubt. They were both secure in the knowledge that they were it for one another. While they’d found their forever, I’d had to let go of mine. It was hard for me not to be jealous of their happiness.

  Three long miserable weeks had passed since I’d returned. I liked to refer to that time as A.C. — After Crawley. Life went on… at least, it did for some. For me, it crawled by at an agonizingly slow pace. The high point of my days now consisted of arriving at work where I’d lose myself in the multiple accounts I was working on for the week. Numbers made me forget, but there was only so long I could stare at a computer screen before my eyes began to cross.

  Susan had not given up on her quest of hooking me up with her older brother. After her constant loving but bitchy badgering, I’d finally agreed… but only because I owed her. We’d hit the clubs last week, and she’d brought me home a slobbering mess. I’d been nine sheets to the wind; drunk as a skunk, crying and pouring my heart out to her. I was relieved she’d had enough sense to hide my phone so I couldn’t call Devon. There wasn’t anything worse than drunk dialing your ex.

  This date was nothing romantic. I’d given Susan stric
t instructions. She was to inform her brother of that… no romance — just a mutually satisfying couple of hours consisting of dining and decent conversation. No kiss at the end of the date either. It was tomorrow night, and he was picking me up after work for drinks and an early dinner. The perfect beginning to an uneventful weekend. Yay! I couldn’t wait! I looked forward to this date as much as I looked forward to going for my annual exam. Needless to say, my heart just wasn’t in it. I’d rather stay home, curled up in bed with a book and with Dairy. There was even a bottle of wine chilling in the fridge.

  As I was stepping from the bus outside of my office building, someone jostled me from behind. I stumbled, hearing a pop and almost face planted on the sidewalk. “Fuck my life,” I muttered as people rushed past me lost in their own little world. No one paid any attention to me, not even the jerk who’d almost knocked me down. I picked up my broken heel lying on the sidewalk and limped my way on into the building.

  “Hold the elevator, please,” I called out from across the lobby. The door slid shut. Just my shitty ass luck. I should have called in sick. With a glance at my watch, there was still time to spare so I waited for the next one. There was no way I was attempting eight flights of stairs with the luck I was having today. I’d probably fall and break my neck.

  When I finally made it to my floor, I hurried to my cubicle in the corner. Of course, I didn’t have a window view since we were all crammed together like cattle. I wasn’t one of the lucky ones. “What the hell happened to you?” Susan asked, peering over the gray cubicle wall that separated the two of us. “You’re walking like a duck,” she said, snickering. “Late night?”

  Her brown eyes gleamed with mischief. Her long brown hair was pulled into a topknot and twisted into a professional looking bun. She fiddled with the collar of her white buttoned up blouse grinning at me and suggestively arching her slim eyebrows. “As if,” I snorted. “Get your mind out of the gutter.”

  She started to laugh. “You look like you’ve been ridden hard and put away wet.”

  Heat rose up my neck settling into my cheeks. I wasn’t a prude, but I was sure the other two cubicles nearby could plainly hear our conversation. “Sit down and shut up,” I snarled, reaching for the compact in my purse and snagging a rubber band from my desk drawer. My hair had a mind of its own this morning and refused to obey.

  She stuck out her tongue at me. In exchange, I flipped her the bird. “It might do you some good to be ridden hard,” she muttered before she disappeared behind the cubicle wall. I bit my lip waiting to be reprimanded as our boss, Mr. Hartley, walked past. His office was at the end of the hall. I pulled up my hair and frowned into the mirror at the flyaway strands that refused to cooperate.

  “Hopeless,” I whispered, and snapped the compact closed dropping it down into my purse. I booted up my computer, listened to the buzz of the office brewing around me, and began to relax. It was sad when work felt more like home than home did. From out of nowhere, a white foam cup magically appeared on my desk, and I glanced up from the program I’d opened to find Susan staring at me.

  “This might improve your shitty mood, my queen,” she said sarcastically, smiling down at me. I reached for the cup and took a sip of the coffee that immediately scalded the hide from my tongue. Son of a bitch! Motherfucker was hot!

  “Thanks,” I managed to mutter, hoping she would just go away and crawl back into her own little hole. This morning I wasn’t in the mood for chitchat. I just wanted to be left alone. Was that too much to ask?

  “I gave Wyatt your number. He’s going to call you tonight.” My lips flattened into a thin line at hearing his name. I wished I’d never agreed to go on this stupid date in the first place.

  “Forget it, Kara. You’re going,” she huffed, obviously noticing my sour expression. She took a sip of her coffee and continued to watch me. Her black skirt hugged her hips. It was so tight that I was surprised she could even move let alone sit.

  “Don’t you have work to do?” I asked, and she shot me an evil glare.

  “Seriously, who is this bitch, and what have you done with my friend?’

  She was right. I was behaving like a twat. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I’ve just got a lot on my mind.” I slept horribly last night. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw Devon.

  “Yeah, I know,” Susan replied, grinning. “You need to get laid.”

  It was as if she could read my mind. She knew all about my dreams. I’d just taken a sip of coffee and spewed it all over the manila folders lying in front of me on my desk. I grabbed a tissue, hearing her cackle, and wiped up the mess. “Nothing like a new man to make you forget an old one.”

  I shook my head in disgust and rolled my eyes. I didn’t need a man, period. “I’ll remember that, but don’t you think we need to get to work?’ I reminded her. She smiled sweetly.

  “Oh yeah, that,” she said with a wink then disappeared behind the cubicle wall in front of me. Someday, she was going to get us both fired.

  With the printer humming beside of me, I forwarded the report I’d just finished on the Walton account to Mr. Hartley and closed my email. My stomach growled, and I glanced down at the slim silver watch on my wrist surprised to find that it was almost lunchtime.

  “What are we eating for lunch?” Susan asked, as I glanced up from the papers I’d retrieved from the printer and found her hovering above me with her elbows resting on the ledge of the cubicle wall. I shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t really care. As long as it was food, I was good.

  “Let’s go to Carlos. It fattening, but I’m not counting calories today, and you need to gain a few pounds. I swear you’ve lost weight.” She was right. I’d lost ten pounds since returning. My appetite seemed to have vanished right along with any contentment I’d found in my life prior to visiting Crawley.

  I longed to go back home, but that wasn’t an option. I needed to toughen up, put one foot in front of the other, and stick to my daily routine. It would get easier with time. I kept reminding myself of this and hoping someday I would finally believe it. Devon’s handsome face filled my mind. The intensity of his icy blue eyes stared into mine. The memory of our last night together squeezed like a vice around my heart making it painful to breathe. It seemed like only yesterday.

  “Holy shit. Will you look at that? Who is that fine assed specimen of manhood and what in the hell is he doing talking to Clare? He’s too damn fine for her bony, uptight ass. You have to see this guy, Kara.” She was practically panting.

  “I’ll pass,” I replied, totally not interested. I shuffled the papers I’d printed then placed them into the clear protector I’d taken from my drawer. My meeting with Mr. Harley was right after lunch. Everything was ready to go.

  “Come to momma,” I heard Susan coo. The woman was nuts.

  Releasing a sigh, I stared at my man-eater friend and rolled my eyes. “Oh my, he’s coming this way.” She squealed, and anxiously looked at me. “Just remember, I called dibs first,” she said excitedly, smiling. “Do I look okay?’

  “Perfect,” I said, ignoring her. She was gorgeous, and she knew it. There was a new UPS guy I’d overheard some of the other women talking about last week in the elevator. Susan had a thing for hairy legs and brown shorts. “I’m calling Carlos and ordering for us.” I informed her then swiveled around in my chair and reached for the phone.

  Lifting the receiver, I dialed the number for Carlos and waited for someone to answer while I dug through my purse looking for my new tube of Goddess Pink. I’d completely demolished the last one when Blair had dropped the whammy on me in the hospital bathroom. That bitch!

  Maria finally answered the phone. She was Carlo’s wife and sweet as she could be. A tiny dark haired angel of a woman, she made the best pasta primavera I’d ever eaten. As I was talking, I heard Susan say my name.

  Without turning around, I swatted my hand over my shoulder hoping she would be quiet or that I’d hit her. Either way, it was a win. It was hard to h
ear what Maria had said. The restaurant sounded busy due to all of the background noises echoing through the phone and with Susan screeching above me, it was almost impossible to hear.

  “Kara,” Susan demanded. Ugh! She was driving me crazy!

  I whirled around in my chair with a murderous gleam in my eyes. Geez, I’d been trying to talk on the phone here. It was then…. I saw him. Everything and everyone around me seemed to fade in to nothingness as I stared back at him.

  Devon.

  He was here, and he was standing beside my desk — heartbreakingly as handsome as I’d remembered, he was dressed in jeans, a black T-shirt, and black boots. The combined epitome of all my fantasies crafted into this one man. His thick dark hair was a little longer, almost brushing his shoulders. Hooded icy blue eyes leisurely studied me. The wickedly sexy gleam flaring within their depths caused me to shift uncomfortably in my seat, but I couldn’t tear my eyes away from him.

  “Hello, Kara,” he said. His voice flowed over me, sinking in to my pores, invading my senses, and sending a shiver of awareness darting along my skin. The intense chemistry between us crackled in the air. It was suddenly hot in here. They needed to crank up the AC. Tight ass penny pinchers!

  “Devon,” I gasped, momentarily frozen in place beneath his hypnotic stare.

  He flashed me a sexy grin. All the hurt and anger I’d felt was momentarily forgotten with the sensual curve of his lips. “We need to talk, now.” He commanded, and at the tone of his voice, the lustful fog I’d been trapped under suddenly lifted. He did not just order me around. I straightened in my seat reaching for the folders in front of me deciding to ignore him.

  “I don’t do bossy, Devon. As you can see I’m working.” I informed him in a no nonsense matter-of-fact tone. He would have to wait. My eyes rose to meet his. He smirked, and his smugness ran all over me. I was pissed.

  “Well, you leave me with no choice,” he said, then all of the sudden, he dropped to one knee. I swallowed nervously and started to sweat. My mind went blank. What in the hell was he doing?