A Heart of Little Faith

by Jennifer Wilck

  “No, I was in a car accident three years ago. I have an incomplete spinal injury that just affects my legs.” He winked at her. “I’d be happy to go into more details if you’d like, but I don’t think the middle of Starbucks is the place.” Lily didn’t know what to say. He didn’t ever act as if he wanted sympathy, but he must have gone through a difficult time. Her throat ached with all the things she couldn’t say, especially in front of Anne.

  Anne nodded. “I like you.”

  “Thank you. You’re very direct. I hope I passed your test.” He checked his watch. “I hate to break this up, but I’ve got to get home. I’ve got practice in an hour.”

  “Practice?” Lily asked as they headed toward the door.

  “Basketball practice. I’m playing in a tournament tonight.” Samantha hadn’t mentioned her brother was on a basketball team. Then again, Samantha hadn’t mentioned anything about her brother.

  Outside, Anne said goodbye and left Lily and Gideon alone. The chilly spring air made Lily shiver. She smelled the fresh roasted coffee beans and she took a deep breath as she stalled.

  “Gideon, I’m really sorry about in there. Anne’s not blessed with a lot of tact. I hope she didn’t offend you.”

  He pinned her with his gaze, leaning forward in his chair. “She didn’t offend me. I’m used to questions. In fact, I’m surprised you haven’t asked me any.”

  Lily recoiled as if struck. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean most women are curious about a guy in a chair. You stare at me, but you don’t ask any questions.” He looked like he was daring her to deny it.

  Lily thought Anne’s questions would have embarrassed Gideon. Instead, her lack of them upset him. She’d attempted to respect his privacy. Instead, she’d offended him. She couldn’t do anything right around him. Her stomach sank. She bit her bottom lip and dropped to a bench next to him. She rested her palm on the wheel of his chair and ran her finger along the smooth, cool metal frame.

  “I’m sorry. I don’t stare at you because of your wheelchair. I stare at you because I’m trying to figure you out, to gauge your mood.” And because he was gorgeous, but she wouldn’t admit that to him. She was drawn to his solemn brown eyes behind his glasses, to their changing shade reflecting his emotions. “You’re gentle and sweet with Claire, but with me you run hot and cold. Sometimes you talk to me and other times you look right through me as if I’m not there. Usually, you’re angry, and I can’t figure out what I did to make you so. I’m too busy trying to find my footing with you to even think about questions I might want to ask.” She met his gaze and those fascinating brown eyes were wide and dark and sorrowful. She had an insane urge to brush her hand over his brow. Instead, she shook her head. “I certainly never meant to make you think I was staring at you because of your wheelchair. To be honest with you, I don’t notice it much.”

  His nostrils flared as his jaw dropped. “You don’t notice the chair?”

  “No, it’s not something I focus on. I mean, I notice it like I notice the intriguing cleft in your chin, or your sexy smile. But that’s all. Frankly, I notice your attitude more.” As the words left her mouth, she wished for a crack in the sidewalk to swallow her whole. But like most of her wishes these days, it remained unanswered.

  Gideon flushed, but not in anger this time and Lily let out a breath. The heightened color only added to his looks. “I really do owe you an apology. So how about I atone for my poor manners by taking you and Claire out sometime?” He clenched his fist in his lap and held his breath.

  “That would be great. I know she’d love it.” She didn’t dare to consider her own feelings, because those might lead her down a road that she wasn’t yet ready to travel. At least, she didn’t think she was.

  His expression softened and his eyes got that twinkle in them again. His fist unclenched. “Are you both free tomorrow night?”

  “Yeah, I think so.” Lily’s heart beat faster and Gideon smiled, making her heartbeat flutter.

  “I’ll see you then.”

  What in the world did I do? Every time we see each other we end up yelling and I accepted an invitation from him? I need my head examined. Or at least a large bottle of aspirin. Yet for the first time, a flutter of hope made her think perhaps she might be getting closer to traveling down that road with Gideon.

  ****

  Gideon dialed his sister’s number on his cell phone as he returned home to his apartment to change for practice. She answered on the third ring.

  “Hi, Gideon, what’s up?” Her voice was distracted, but he wanted to have this conversation now.

  “Listen, I wanted to discuss brunch the other day.”

  She cleared her throat. “What about brunch? Other than your rude behavior, I mean.”

  Gideon swore to himself. “You know, you have a lot of nerve, kiddo. First you try to set me up, when I’ve expressly told you to stay out of my life. Then you criticize me for my behavior. What about yours?”

  “There is nothing wrong with my behavior, brother dear,” Samantha refuted, her tone clipped. “I’m not the one who was rude to my guest.”

  “That’s right, your guest. Not mine,” Gideon retorted. “You’ve got the relationship with her. I don’t.” Just because he was taking Lily and Claire out tomorrow night didn’t mean it was a relationship. It was an apology. Nothing more.

  “Well you would if you’d get off your ass and do something about it.”

  “Are you serious?” Gideon asked. A red haze prevented him from seeing anything. What the heck was wrong with his sister?

  She gasped. “Sorry, that came out wrong.” Her tone softened.

  He took a deep breath. “Samantha, I know you’re doing what you think is best, but believe me, I don’t want your help. I am perfectly happy just the way I am.”

  “Are you?” Samantha asked. “I mean really?”

  Gideon closed his eyes for a minute. He had a good job, great friends and meaningful volunteer work. He mentored kids that he’d come to love. Just because a part of him was hollow, well, there was nothing he could do about it. He was better off accepting things and making the best of it. It was less painful. No one could be one hundred percent happy except in a fairy tale. “There are a lot of definitions of happy, so yes, I am. Besides, I can take care of myself.”

  “I know you can. Okay, I’ll lay off.”

  “Thank you. Have a good night,” he said and they hung up.

  As he prepared for basketball practice, Gideon evaluated his strange behavior. He never allowed himself to get too close to women. Not after what happened after his accident. Yet, here he was, suggesting he and Lily spend time together. He went to great lengths to make sure people didn’t judge him by his wheelchair. Yet, he wanted her to ask about it so he could prove himself to her. Prove he was still a man, he could do everything other men could do, just maybe a little differently.

  As much as he found himself attracted to her, a relationship with her was impossible, so he’d worked to head her off first. Physically, there was nothing to prevent him from pursuing one with her; he didn’t want to put her, or any woman for that matter, in the position of feeling guilty for saying no, or pitying him and saying yes. However, her honesty today threw him, and instead of keeping his distance, he was spending the day with a woman who called his smile sexy and him rude. His heart ached. Women hadn’t noticed or commented on his looks in what felt like forever. And when they did, he’d never been known for a bad attitude.

  He slammed the locker closed and ground his teeth together. It was time to make a change, to show her a glimpse of the man he used to be, even if he’d never let it go further than a glimpse.

  Chapter 5

  Lily picked Claire up from the aftercare program at school and hugged her. She smelled of sweat, crayons and shampoo, and Lily reveled in its sweetness. “Hi, sweetie, how was your day?”

  “Good. You’ll never believe what Max said!”

  “What did Max say?” Claire loved Max an
d worshipped everything he said and did. It was cute.

  “Max said I can come see him wrestle sometime. Can I, Mom, can I please?”

  Lily smiled. “We’ll find out his wrestling schedule and see if we’re available.”

  “How will we find out his schedule? Do you know it?” Claire looked at her mom, brown eyes huge.

  “No, I don’t,” said Lily as she entered their apartment, shrugged off her coat and hung it in the closet. She put her briefcase on the hall table and headed into the kitchen to make dinner. She sighed as Claire’s things dropped on the floor. “But I can call his mom and find out.”

  “Will you do it right now?”

  “No, I won’t do it right now. Right now I have to make us dinner. Do you want chicken or turkey burgers?”

  “Turkey burgers, turkey burgers, I love turkey burgers!”

  “Okay,” Lily smiled. “I’ll make turkey burgers. You set the table.” As Lily cooked and Claire set the table, they talked about Claire’s day at school and Lily’s day at work. When they sat to eat, Lily mentioned Gideon. “I saw Gideon today.”

  “You did?” Claire stopped eating and stared at her. “Where?”

  “We saw each other at the same coffee shop on the way home. The three of us are going to have dinner tomorrow.”

  Claire couldn’t have been more excited if Lily had promised her a trip to Disneyland. “Really? Yippee! Do you like Gideon, Mommy?”

  Lily chewed and swallowed the food in her mouth slowly to give herself time to answer the question. A simple yes or no was all that was necessary for a six-year-old. But to her, the question was more complicated. She hadn’t been with a man in three years, since Daniel had been killed, and she didn’t know if she’d ever want to be again. The thought of opening herself to heartache, combined with the guilt over moving past her husband, made her tremble. At the same time, while Gideon could be frustrating, there was something about him that wouldn’t let her give up on him. He made her feel emotions she hadn’t felt in years. And she loved his way with Claire. I’m getting ahead of myself. “Yes, honey, he’s very nice.”

  Excitement bubbled and Claire practically vibrated with it. “I think so too. And he plays great games with me and he can draw really good!”

  “Well,” Lily corrected automatically.

  “Well,” said Claire. “He said he’d teach me to draw like him someday.”

  “That would be wonderful. I’m glad you like him, honey.” Lily stood to clear the table. She chewed her lower lip. Claire was getting awfully attached to him. What happened if it didn’t work out? “Now, let’s get ready for bed.”

  ****

  When Lily got out of bed the next morning, she had already lain awake for an hour contemplating her dinner with Gideon. Would they fight? What should she wear? Would Claire act as a buffer or would she and Gideon spend the whole day arguing? What would they talk about? Exhausted from all of the questions knocking around in her brain, but unable to sleep, she stumbled into her cheery yellow kitchen to make breakfast for herself and lunch for Claire. When the phone rang, she grabbed it off the cradle before the noise could wake her daughter.

  “Hello?”

  “Lily?”

  His voice sent shivers running up her spine. “Hey, Gideon.” Lily opened the refrigerator and took out jelly. She frowned at the sound of a drawn breath. “Are you okay?”

  There was a short pause. “Why?”

  “You don’t sound like yourself. Is everything all right?”

  “Yeah,” he rasped. He cleared his throat. “Yeah,” he said firmly. “I’m having a bad day is all.”

  “Already?” she laughed. “It’s only seven in the morning!”

  He cleared his throat. “I know. I didn’t get much sleep last night.”

  Her first inclination was to offer sympathy, but with Gideon, she hesitated. Her stomach twisting, she relented. “Can I do anything?” Lily winced and mentally ducked, as she waited for his tirade and hoped she hadn’t offended him. Talking to him was like disarming a bomb: you never knew which “wire” would cause him to “blow.”

  “No thanks. I have to reschedule our dinner tonight, though. Tell Claire I’m sorry.” His voice dropped and he audibly swallowed.

  “Oh, okay. I’ll talk to you later.” I’m better off. She stared at the phone. She squelched her disappointment and concern and went to wake Claire.

  On her way out the door, her cell phone rang. “Hi, Samantha.”

  “Hi,” she said, tone sharp. “I am so annoyed!”

  Lily stiffened. “What’s wrong?”

  “Tyler called me this morning and quit. That means I’ll have to start working Saturdays again, starting this week, and three evenings a week until I can find another assistant.”

  “That sucks. Why’d he quit?”

  “I don’t know. He gave me some story about a great opportunity, blah, blah, blah. The least he could have done was give me notice, but no. And I really thought he was great. Shows how much I know!”

  “Oh Sam, I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do?” The corner of her mouth turned up—she’d asked the same thing of both siblings within minutes of each other.

  “Do you know any good art gallery assistants you can recommend?”

  “Unfortunately not.”

  “Darn. Well, I guess the rest of my weekends and evenings are gone.” Dejection dulled her words and Lily hoped she hired a replacement soon.

  They hung up and after dropping Claire at school, Lily went to work.

  As soon as Lily walked into her office, Anne appeared, as if she’d been waiting for her. “What happened yesterday after I left?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You and Gideon stayed to talk. What happened?”

  Lily’s face heated. “The usual, of course. We argued again.”

  Anne arched back, one eyebrow raised. “Because you thought he’d like you better if you did? I think maybe you need a refresher course on how to pick up men.”

  Lily laughed. “I wasn’t trying to pick him up, Anne.”

  “Obviously.”

  “Really, it was no big deal and it ended quickly. Besides, it’s not like I want to start something.” Obviously, it wasn’t meant to be, even if she couldn’t get the sound of his voice out of her head, nor stop the zings of awareness that continued to slide up her spine.

  Anne sympathized. “Don’t write him off just yet, Lily. He may surprise you. And try not to jump down his throat the next time you talk to him. You don’t like it when he does it to you, so don’t do it to him.”

  ****

  That night, Samantha appeared at Gideon’s apartment. “Wow, what happened to you?” She whistled when she strode in.

  “It’s nothing, Sam. What are you doing here?” He wished his sister called before coming over. He’d have found an excuse to convince her not to come. He clenched his teeth as his sister stared at him. He knew how beat-up his face was.

  She sat beside him. Gently, she touched his face, and he gritted his teeth in pain. He had lacerations on his forehead, and he’d pulled several muscles in his arms and back. Nothing too tough for the team medic to take care of, but he was in more pain than he cared to admit. The raw, scraped skin already showed signs of bruising around the edges. His eyebrow and lip had swelled to twice their normal size. He looked like he’d been on the losing end of a dogfight.

  “It’s not as bad as it seems.”

  She traced her fingers over some of the wounds. “I hope not. What happened?”

  “The basketball game got a little rougher than usual. It’s no big deal.” The basketball tournament had been rough and he’d come away with more bumps, bruises and injuries than usual. Although all the players were in wheelchairs, it was a full-contact sport. His team won, but barely. He wanted her to stop worrying about him.

  “Did you ice it? Take medicine?”

  God he hated being babied. “Of course I did. How helpless do you think I am?” He wheeled away from her.<
br />
  Since she was used to his behavior, she jumped over the chair and confronted him. “I know you’re not helpless. Don’t start. Are you hurt anywhere else?”

  Maybe he was overreacting. “My back is a little sore, but I’m fine.” She didn’t say anything, just stared at him. Finally breaking her gaze, Gideon rolled his shoulders to ease the tension. “I promise you, Sam, I’m fine. Don’t say anything to Lily, though.”

  Her eyes widened. “Lily? Why would I?”

  He told her about his cancelled dinner plans.

  “You really believed you had to cancel?” Her tone of disbelief irked him.

  Gideon raised an eyebrow and winced when it hurt. He’d never let her see him like this. She’d take one look at his cut-up face, see him move gingerly, and run. Been there, done that. He exhaled loudly in frustration. “It was a bad idea from the start. I’m not going to date her, and going to dinner with her would be a date. Besides, I don’t want her to see me like this.” He knew he sounded shallow, but for him, it ran deeper than a superficial concern for his looks. It was what his injuries might mean to others.

  “Why not? I see you.”

  “That’s different.”

  “Why?”

  “You’re my sister.”

  “So?” She shrugged. “What are you afraid of?

  Gideon clenched his teeth and remained silent, like Mohammed’s mountain. Flashes of memory from his accident and hospital stay played in his head. His ex-girlfriend’s reaction. There were some things he wouldn’t share, even with his sister.

  Chapter 6

  The next day, Lily picked Claire up after work, helped her with homework and made dinner. Afterward, while her daughter played on the computer, she cleaned the apartment.

  Although larger than Samantha’s—Lily’s was a two-bedroom—it quickly became overwhelmed with clutter if she didn’t clean it often. Done in blues and greens, her apartment reminded her of the ocean. Because Claire was an active child, she’d kept the decorating simple and comfortable. A beige sofa with green and blue chenille pillows and two blue denim side chairs faced the distressed cream-colored pine TV cabinet. A beige Berber carpet covered the floor, light green paint brightened the walls and family photos decorated all available surfaces. Her kitchen was painted yellow and accented in blue, while her bedroom was light blue. Wherever she looked, Lily was soothed and calmed. But not now.