by J. H. Croix
The late spring night was cool and damp. The sky had cleared this afternoon before our game, although it had rained this morning. The air was washed clean from the rain. I reached for Daisy’s hand, a sense of relief rolling through me when she easily laced her fingers into mine. I didn’t know what the bloody hell I was doing.
I’d come to the conclusion I’d forget about the silly limit I’d set and we’d just keep on going. Yet, I felt unsettled about that. Before anything had ever gone further between us, I’d known what Daisy wanted. Hell, she’d spelled it out—an orgasm and a commitment.
Ever since my abrupt realization that I loved her, I wasn’t quite sure what to do with it. I didn’t want to end things. In fact, I couldn’t fathom doing that. Yet, I was so unsettled, I wasn’t ready to consider a commitment. I merely wanted to buy some time—time that didn’t include any separation from Daisy.
In short order, we were at her place, and she was getting me yet another glass of water. I couldn’t drink enough after I played. I leaned back into the cushions on her couch with a sigh. Reflexively, I ran my hand over my knee. No swelling and no pain. I’d worried that ACL tear could’ve been career-ending for me. Yet, a good surgeon, a long recovery, and the strictest physical therapist in the universe seemed to have sent me back stronger than before. I’d take it.
Daisy returned and handed me the glass of water before setting an entire pitcher of water on the coffee table.
I looked from the pitcher to her and grinned. “I can get my own water, you know?”
She flashed a smile. “Oh, I know. I figure you must be tired. This way, neither one of us has to move.”
She hooked her foot under her knee and went to grab the remote. Before she had a chance to turn the telly on, my mouth decided to up and say something I’d been thinking about all day.
“About that month?”
I might’ve been thinking about it, but my mind would rather have waited. Oh well, oh hell.
She swung to me, her brown eyes carefully scanning my face. “What about it?” she finally asked.
That’s what I got for letting my words get ahead of me. That’s the effect Daisy had on me. I’d never in my life gotten ahead of myself when it came to a woman. It had never been a challenge either. That was why I preferred to steer clear of relationships and the potential emotional landmines they contained. No matter, I’d gone and stumbled into this, I had to clear it up fast.
“I think we shouldn’t worry about it,” I finally said, striving to keep my tone casual.
She couldn’t hear the pounding of my heart and the subtle thread of uncertainty weaving its way through me. There were many things I’d experienced in life, but uncertainty was very rare. I didn’t quite know what to do with it, so I opted to ignore it.
“What do you mean?” she asked.
Bloody hell. She was not going to let me gloss over this.
I’d keep trying anyway.
“Just that. Let’s not worry about it.”
Her wide brown eyes held mine. She was quiet, almost too quiet. After a moment, she bit her lip and bounced her foot up and down.
“I’m not so sure that’s a good idea,” she finally said.
My heart started pounding even harder, and my gut churned. I was shaking my head before I could think. I set my water down and straightened, reaching for her hands. They were cold in mine, and I wanted to wrap her close to me and never let go. But she had that guarded look in her eyes, and she was worrying her bottom lip. Usually I’d think that was hot. Hell, I thought pretty much everything she did was hot. Right now though, I wasn’t thinking like that.
“It just means nothing changes. That’s all. Why is that not a good idea?”
Her eyes slammed to mine. For a few beats, I could hardly breathe. Her gaze held such raw vulnerability and such a depth of emotion, it grabbed at me. She gave her head a shake, and it disappeared with that careful look replacing it. She finally stopped chewing on her lip. On the heels of a deep breath, she spoke.
“Because I think I probably want more than you do, and I need to not make this any worse than it already will be.”
Like an idiot, words just kept tumbling out of my mouth.
“Worse?”
She started worrying her bottom lip again, a heavy sigh escaping when she paused at it. “Uh huh. Look, I knew what I was walking into when this started, but I know we want different things long term. I want a commitment. You don’t. It’s probably best if we don’t take things any further.”
At this point, I was fairly certain my heart might pound its way out of my chest. A sense of panic rose inside of me, an entirely unfamiliar feeling. In fact, I could only think of one other time I’d felt like this, and even then it hadn’t been this bad. The day I’d injured my knee, I’d felt so helpless—as if my control had been ripped from me. The pain itself had been tolerable, something I could manage. What had created the spinning panic inside was feeling as if my plans had been torn out of my hands. All that had to do with was my career as a footballer.
Right here, right now with Daisy, I scrambled to gain a sense of control over the emotions barreling through me. Of all the things I’d considered, I hadn’t considered this. I’d thought perhaps I’d still want her from a purely sexual standpoint. I’d been spot on about that. Hell, the more I had of her, the more I wanted her. The desire between us kept feeding its own fire, burning hotter and brighter with each passing day. That part was easy. Yet, I hadn’t ever considered this raw need that went beyond all boundaries I’d kept in place around my heart. Truth was, those boundaries hadn’t ever been a challenge to maintain. Daisy had slipped past them all without me even knowing. The idea she might walk away from what we had had my gut churning and my heart clenching.
I stared at her, trying to think of the right thing to say when I wasn’t quite ready to blurt out the truth. I loved her. I just needed to buy some time to make sense of what that meant for us. For so long, I’d firmly believed I’d steer clear of attachments like this. I wasn’t so foolish to think things couldn’t get messy just because I loved her. Daisy was a bold, opinionated, emotional woman—messy was practically her middle name. None of it would be simple.
I must’ve stayed silent for too long because she tugged her hands free from mine and stood up quickly. Inside of a few seconds, she was pacing back in forth in front of the fireplace, her arms crossed tightly in front of her.
“This is exactly what I mean. I say anything even remotely hinting at what we both know and you go all quiet.” She stopped pacing and turned to look at me, her eyes piercing mine across the coffee table between us. “I never misled you, and you were nothing but honest with me. You didn’t promise me anything more than a month of orgasms.” Her cheeks turned pink, and her eyes glittered. “You’ve kept your promise. I just…” She paused and swiped at a tear rolling down her cheek.
I didn’t even realize I stood and moved toward her. By the time I did, I was brushing another teardrop away with my thumb, murmuring her name and pulling her into my arms. She ducked her head against my chest and took a shuddering breath.
I had no idea what to say. The ground under my feet felt so unfamiliar. I was used to being one step removed from this kind of emotion. After a few breaths, Daisy lifted her head, and my heart gave a resounding thump. Her doe eyes were wide and glistening. I’d have done just about anything she asked right then.
Her shoulders rose and fell with a deep breath, and she gave her head a little shake. “Well, I might be a mess, but I can’t seem to tell you to leave,” she finally said. “I should, you know?”
Relief hit me so hard, it was visceral. I caught the edge of my internal control and managed to reply. “You don’t say?”
She shrugged, her teeth catching her bottom lip again. “There’s what I should do and what I want to do. You gave me a month. I don’t want to be shortchanged,” she said with a sly grin.
The vulnerability was still lurkin
g in her gaze, but I could sense she’d latched onto her bold side and was playing it like a shield. I knew we’d come up against this very issue again in short order, but perhaps for the first time in my life, I was content to sidestep something.
“I’d never do that,” I murmured, sliding my palm down her spine and over the curve of her bottom. I savored the hitch in her breath when I pulled her against my cock, which was hard and aching inside of a second.
I might not be ready to relinquish my sanity to the intimacy shimmering around us, but I had no trouble succumbing to the need—a need quite specific to Daisy—that burned like wildfire in my veins.
Chapter 26
Daisy
I snapped my mouth shut and stared at the man standing in front of me. Objectively speaking, he was handsome with his dark brown hair, eyes to match and a fit body. I was in one of the break rooms at my office. Our company was medium-sized and employed enough staff that I knew I hadn’t met everyone here, but I didn’t recall meeting this guy before.
He’d just asked me out to dinner, rather abruptly I might add. Thoughts tumbled through my mind. The quick answer was no. I’d spent close to three weeks straight tangled up with Tristan every night, including last night. Yet, I’d resolved absolutely nothing with my weak attempt to set some limits a few nights ago. He’d given me no clue as to what he might be feeling either. All I knew was he didn’t want things to end. Meanwhile, I was in love with him, and he was emotionally unavailable.
I forced my attention back to the man in front of me. “Um, you surprised me. Have we met?”
Seriously, the guy had some looks going for him, but he’d forgotten to even introduce himself.
He laughed softly. “Ah, you must have forgotten we met a few weeks ago. I’m Dan Keller. I’m heading up our media project.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. Now I remember. I’m Daisy Knight,” I paused and laughed at myself. “I suppose you know my name. If you don’t recall, I’m one of the lead researchers here.”
He inclined his head slightly. “I recall both your name and what you do,” he said with a slight smile.
He paused, which only made me feel a tad more self-conscious. As I was trying to figure out a graceful way to manage this, he spoke again.
“Didn’t mean to throw you off guard there. I tend to be direct. I’d love to have dinner sometime. How about you let me know later on if you’d like to take me up on it?”
I was nodding before I could think. He winked and strolled away. I watched and wondered. I finished pouring my coffee and thought maybe the best thing for me would be to try seeing someone else. It would be a clean break from Tristan.
I returned to my office and tried to bury my brain in data, but my brain wasn’t having it. Ever since my weak attempt to set a limit with Tristan, my mind had been running in circles. I didn’t want to end anything with him. Ever. Merely considering it made it feel as if my heart had been sliced open. Which was the problem. Maybe he felt more for me. Maybe not. But he wasn’t shifting gears in terms of what we were doing. Don’t get me wrong, sex with Tristan indefinitely was incredibly hard to consider stopping. But the more we were tangled up physically, the closer I felt entangled emotionally. I loved him, and I had to take steps to protect my heart.
My mind kept flicking back to my brief interaction with Renee. She was so accurate in her assessment, it pained me to think about it. I was a smart woman, and I needed to act like it. If all I wanted were sex, this would be an easy decision. As phenomenal as the sex was, I wanted more. Much, much more.
It was Wednesday. Because I was having a hard time letting go of Tristan, I was counting the days to the end of this stupid month. One more day. Why the hell was I doing this?
I needed to stop letting my heart get dragged around by my traitorous body. I could find someone else like Tristan, but I wouldn’t stand a chance if I kept letting this drag out. Abruptly, I snagged my phone off of my desk.
Let’s make a clean break. Technically, we have one more day, but I’m calling it now. I won’t avoid you, but from this point forward, we’re back to friends. No benefits included. If this feels abrupt, it’s because it’s the only way I can do this. I’m in over my head, and I want far more than you ever will. You’ve given me more than I could’ve imagined. Please don’t stop by. I need time to myself.
There was so much more I wanted to say. I had to literally force myself to put the phone down, so I didn’t tell him I loved him. I laughed, a sad little laugh because it was ridiculous to think of telling the first man I’d fallen in love with via text. In a way, it mirrored so much of the chasm between what we wanted. Tristan wanted neat and tidy arrangements. I wanted love, arguments, make up sex, someone to hold me after a long day, someone to cheer me on when life was skidding sideways, and babies. Oh my, I wanted babies. I wanted forever.
My throat was tight, and I didn’t realize I was crying until I felt the moisture on my cheeks. I grabbed a tissue and blew my nose. I took several deep breaths. I was miserable, but if anything, this reinforced why I had to move on.
I didn’t know if Dan would be the guy to sweep me off my feet, but denial was an excellent coping skill for me. No sense in wallowing in how much I missed Tristan.
If that didn’t tell you how ridiculously in love with him I was, I didn’t know what would. All I’d done was send a text to end things. I already missed the hypothetical event of seeing him tonight when I didn’t even really know if I would’ve seen him tonight. That’s how undefined our relationship was. We’d spent three weeks of every night together and only rarely confirmed plans ahead.
I forced my mind off of him and spun in my chair, pulling up my email on my laptop. I searched for Dan’s email address in our staff directory and shot him off an email, suggesting we grab a few drinks after work this Friday. I hesitated and almost asked about tonight, but that felt too soon for my sanity.
It was nothing much, but I needed to do something to remind myself I wasn’t tethered to being in love with Tristan forever. I’d find someone else, no matter how long it took.
Chapter 27
Tristan
“Bloody hell!”
I tossed my phone on the bench in the locker room and quickly dragged a clean t-shirt over my head. I’d just finished showering after practice. Because I was that obsessed with Daisy, I’d reflexively grabbed my phone, intending to text her and let her know I’d be stopping by with dinner.
My heart was thudding against my ribs, and I felt sick again. I was angry and terrified at once. I should’ve known Daisy would keep thinking. I wanted her to just forget about rehashing everything with us and let it happen.
No, mate. You don’t want to talk about it, and you want her to go along with that. She wants more, and she’s not accepting anything less.
This was a disaster, but not the disaster I’d been worried about. I needed to straighten it out right now. I tossed my towel in the hamper at the end of the row of lockers. Turning back, I looked up to see Ethan walking toward me. He slid onto the bench across from my locker and started to smile. Once he caught my eyes, the smile faded.
“Eh, what’s up? You look, well, you look upset,” he said.
I ran a hand through my damp hair and shrugged. “Nothing much.”
I didn’t want to dwell on this. I needed to get to Daisy’s place as fast as humanly possible.
Ethan, being the mate he was, wasn’t letting me bolt on him though. “Hey, what the hell? You forget your manners?” he asked, standing to walk quickly alongside of me as I strode out of the locker room and down the long stadium hallway.
“Leave it alone. I need to see Daisy,” I muttered.
Ethan caught my arm when we reached the door. “Not like this, you don’t,” he said firmly. “I don’t know what’s going on, but something’s not right. Aren’t you the one who always tells me to cool it before I do anything stupid?”
I caught his eyes and knew I likely looked out of sorts.
I was a mess. All this time, I’d figured I preferred to steer clear of relationships because I didn’t want the messy emotional stuff to deal with from someone else. I was floored to realize I could get this mucked up inside. My brain was like static, and I couldn’t think past anything other than getting to Daisy and telling her she couldn’t do this.
Ethan didn’t let go of my arm, and I finally took a breath, letting it out in a long sigh. “Fine. I’m waiting,” I said with a roll of my eyes. “Shall I count to ten? Would that let you know I’d taken a bit to cool off?”
“Maybe you should let me know what the hell is going on,” he countered.
I fished my phone out of my pocket and handed it to him after opening Daisy’s last text.
He let go of my arm and read the message. When he looked back up at me, I wanted to fucking scream at what I saw there. I could tell he felt badly for me. That’s how far I’d fallen. My best mate—once the player of all players—was looking at me as if I was in a sad state. I suppose I was, but I generally prided myself on being able to keep my shit together without much fuss.
When he didn’t say anything, I got restless. “Well?”
He handed me the phone back and cocked his head to the side. “Well, unless you want to make this thing real, you’d best respect her request,” he said slowly.
“What the hell do you mean—make this thing real? It is real,” I said.
We stepped through the doors into a cool drizzle. Standing under the awning at the back entrance to the stadium, I glanced to Ethan. He caught my eyes and arched a brow.
“You know what I mean,” he said.