by J. H. Croix
That static was buzzing in my brain, making it hard to think straight. I eyed him and ran a hand through my hair.
“How is it not real? I mean, hell, we even went public with everyone,” I muttered.
Ethan heaved a breath and shook his head slowly. “Mate, her text says it all. Sure, obviously you’re doing the dirty dance plenty, but Daisy’s never been anything but upfront about what she wants. She wants the whole deal. Making it real means actually committing to that.”
I looked away from him, wishing I didn’t feel like this was slipping beyond my control. Hell, it was already out of my hands. I was knocked on my heels and scrambling to catch my balance. I bloody hated it. This was not the way I was accustomed to handling things in any area of my life, particularly anything involving a woman.
I ran a hand through my hair again and eyed Ethan. “I didn’t break things off with her,” I said, a rather inane point at the moment, but it’s what came out.
Ethan eyed me for several beats. For all of his teasing, devil-may-care manner, he was a thoughtful guy. Ever since he’d settled down with Zoe, he’d become more grounded. To be forced into wanting advice from him about a woman made me feel rather foolish to say the least.
“Breaking things off with her isn’t the point. Without even knowing what you’ve talked about with her, I know you. You’ve said for years that you didn’t do relationships. I don’t blame you a whit for that. Only difference between you and me before I met Zoe was I wasn’t so uptight about it like you. Probably had more fun though,” he said with a sly grin.
I was too frustrated to laugh, but I managed to roll my eyes. “Your point?”
Ethan returned my eye roll and leaned his back against the building while the drizzle fell steadily just beyond the edge of the awning. “My point is she wants more than something wishy-washy. She said it right in her text.”
I stared at him and forced myself to take a breath. I couldn’t fucking believe what I was about to ask him, but I had to know. “How’d you know?”
“Know what?”
“That Zoe was the one for you.”
Ethan eyed me for a beat, his perceptive gaze boring into me. “Mate, you helped talk some sense into me.” When I didn’t say anything, he sighed. “It crept up on me. You had the brains to point out it was obvious she meant more to me than anyone I’d ever been with. I suppose it really hit me when I tried to think about what life would be like without her. I didn’t want that. At all. Made me bloody crazy. Dunno if it’s that simple for everyone, but for me, that’s what did it.”
My heart was hammering inside my chest. Daisy telling me it was over was making me feel crazy. I wanted time—time to come to terms with what it all meant, time to… Fuck, I didn’t know what I needed time for, but I bloody hated feeling out of control of a situation. Daisy had ripped the control away from me with her text.
“If you don’t know what you want, either man up or let her go. You can’t have it both ways. It’s not fair to her. If you were hoping you could turn her into one of your tidy arrangements, you should’ve known that would never work. Not with Daisy. So, as I said, man up or let her go,” Ethan said, his green gaze boring into mine.
Ethan was so often teasing that when he was making a serious point, it was impossible to ignore. I eyed him for a beat and nodded. “Right then, mate.”
I looked out into the drizzle, my mind running laps around Daisy.
Ethan pushed off of the wall and came to stand beside me. “Need a ride?” he asked.
He knew me well enough to know when I was done with a conversation. I hadn’t solved anything, but there wasn’t much else to say unless I said it to Daisy. I glanced to the side. “Nah. I’ll walk.”
Ethan arched a brow. “You’ll be right wet in a few minutes.”
When he was my flat mate, we frequently walked together to and from practices. I still lived within fifteen minutes of the stadium, yet Ethan and Zoe had recently purchased a home beyond the downtown area of Seattle. Hence, Ethan drove to and from practice these days, while I only did so once in a while.
I looked out into the drizzle, which suited my mood perfectly. I glanced back at him and shook my head.
He shrugged. “Suit yourself. Call if you need to.”
At that, he jogged to his car. I started walking. Thought I didn’t mind getting wet, I’d underestimated the chill and hadn’t even bothered with a rain jacket. Roughly halfway to my flat, I ducked into a pub I frequented with my mates on occasion. Damp and chilled, I slipped onto a stool at the bar. In short order, I had a beer in hand. The bartender tossed a clean bar towel my way as well. I wiped off my face and hair and leaned back, savoring the rich beer.
I scanned the room, my eyes eventually landing on a woman I’d seen for a bit last year. Valerie had been as cut and dry as me about sex. I tried to recall why we’d ended our rather convenient and not messy at all arrangement, but couldn’t seem to dredge it up from my memory. It crossed my mind that there wasn’t a single detail about Daisy I could even fathom forgetting. I gave my head a shake and took a long drag on my beer. When I looked back up, Valerie was weaving her way through the tables scattered about the pub toward me. I let my gaze travel over her. She was tall and quite beautiful with long dark hair and flashing dark eyes. She favored bold colors and wore a bright red skirt that swished with her steps, a fitted black t-shirt with a red scarf draped around her neck.
Intellectually, I knew we’d had great sex and that was it. Now, I looked at her now and felt nothing, not even a fleeting interest. She reached me and dropped a kiss on my cheek.
“Tristan, I haven’t seen you in ages. How are you?” she asked as she stepped back.
If I were being honest, I’d tell her I was a bloody mess inside. But that wasn’t how we were with each other. I might know her intimately, but only in the physical sense. She’d been just as content as I had to keep our connection entirely superficial. I hewed to that now.
“Aside from wet, I’m as well as can be expected. Yourself?”
She smiled, her gaze warm and tinged with flirtatiousness. “As well as can be expected. Are you alone tonight?”
This was a question of layers. It’s what we asked each other via text whenever one or the other of us was looking to get laid. I tried, bloody hell, I tried to want Valerie. If I could want her, then perhaps I could convince myself I could somehow move beyond Daisy. Yet, there was nothing. Not even a spark. Even trying to conjure one felt like a betrayal. I silently shook my head. Daisy had fucking dumped me via text, and I was worried about betraying her.
You’re not playing fair, mate. She can’t dump you when you haven’t even said aloud that there’s more going on than fucking her until you’re both so lost in it you can hardly see past it.
That was my rational side, the side that had kept me from stumbling into the emotional quagmire in which I currently found myself. That same side knew quite well what I was facing.
I must’ve been quiet a beat too long because Valerie placed a hand on my shoulder and slide it down. The touch was teasing and testing. I felt nothing. I eyed her.
“I’m alone tonight, but I intend to keep it that way,” I finally said.
I idly twirled my almost empty bottle of beer in my fingers on the bar, considering what to say next. Fuck it. I was curious about something.
“Mind if I ask you a question?”
Valerie smiled and brushed her hair off one shoulder, her motions graceful. “Of course not. Ask away?’
I leaned an elbow on the bar. “This might offend you, but can you remind me why we stopped seeing each other?”
Valerie threw her head back with a laugh. I objectively admired the graceful arch of her neck. Still nothing, not even a spark of desire. My cock, which Daisy appeared to own now, lay flaccid in my briefs.
Valerie’s laugh petered out, and she looked directly at me with a rueful smile. “I’m not offended. I mean, perhaps I should be, but we weren’t serious, and I
liked it that way.” She paused, her gaze turning thoughtful. “I don’t know that we even talked about it. You texted a few times, and I told you I was busy. Then you stopped texting. Because I was busy. I fancied myself in love. I’ve since discovered that what we had was glorious because it was entirely uncomplicated. I wouldn’t mind trying it again.”
Ah, so it hadn’t been anything specific that I knew of. I wasn’t such an arse that I’d forgotten an important detail. I chuckled softly and nodded. “I suppose it was entirely uncomplicated, eh?”
Valerie flashed a smile. “It was.” She paused and angled her head to the side, eying me thoughtfully. “Mind if I ask you a question?” she asked, mimicking my earlier inquiry.
“It’s only fair,” I replied.
“Are you involved with someone? Seriously, I mean.”
Bloody hell. Was I that fucking obvious?
Whatever. I didn’t have anything to hide. She’d know something was afoot for the simple fact I wouldn’t be taking her up on her request to restart our ‘entirely uncomplicated’ arrangement.
“I’m sorting out the answer to that one as we speak,” I finally said.
Valerie’s eyes widened and then she nodded slowly. “Well, I must admit I never thought I’d see the day Tristan Wells fell for anyone.” She paused, her gaze scanning my face. “You love her,” she said wonderingly. “Wow.”
Oh fuck. Really? How in the hell could she tell I loved anyone just from looking at me?
“I think you might be taking things a bit far,” I countered.
I needed to regain some semblance of control internally, so I latched onto denial. It might not be the wisest choice, but it could be quite effective. If I could convince someone else, perhaps I could convince myself all was not lost.
Valerie merely smiled. “Oh Tristan. You know, this is good. If you are even wondering about it, you love her. That’s not what we had, but you’re a good man. I always thought you’d make a great husband.”
Her comment shocked me so much, my mouth dropped open. “Are you telling me…?”
She laughed and shook her head sharply. “I’m not implying I moped about wishing you loved me. We were in the same place at the same time emotionally. I didn’t want attachments and neither did you. It was neat and tidy and simple. I could enjoy what you had to offer without wanting more. But I also knew there was more to you than that. Trust me, as a woman who wasn’t looking for more, I had my fill of assholes who were total jerks about it. I remember thinking if you ever fell for someone, she’d be a lucky woman. I never hoped it would be me. We didn’t and still don’t have that kind of spark. Hell…” She paused and shrugged with a rueful smile. “…I might’ve extended myself to see what I might get, but I’m not stupid. There’s nothing there between us anymore. I might as well be your sister. Anyway, my point is, let yourself enjoy it. She must be an amazing woman if she brought you to heel,” she said with a wry grin.
I stared at her, trying to wrap my brain around everything she’d just said. I opened my mouth to reply, but didn’t know what I meant to say, so I shut it again and finished off my beer. After a moment, I looked back to Valerie. “Right then. Never knew I was so obvious.”
She smiled softly and placed her hand on my arm, giving it a gentle squeeze. “I bet this is driving you crazy. You do like to call the shots. Well, love doesn’t always let you do that. Do right by her, okay?”
At that, Valerie dropped another quick kiss on my cheek and spun away, waving her fingers over her shoulder. I watched her stride across the room, once again actively trying to dredge up a physical reaction to her. Nothing. In fact, trying to think about desire made me think about Daisy.
I was so fucked.
***
Not much later, I stepped into my flat and closed the door behind me. The drizzle had picked up its pace to rain on the short walk from the pub. The sound of water dripping on the tiles in the entry way was loud in the empty, quiet flat. I flicked a light on and kicked my shoes off. I dragged my wet t-shirt off and shoved my jeans down, tossing everything into the hamper in the bathroom. I took a quick hot shower to steam away the chill and changed into dry clothes. Normally, I enjoyed quiet. Right now, my flat felt cavernous. I hadn’t spent a night here in weeks.
I flung my refrigerator open to find next to nothing in there. I slammed it shut and snagged my phone off the counter, quickly making a call for pizza delivery. I stood in the center of my living room. As it was, my flat felt almost unlived in. The space had an expansive living room and kitchen with tall windows that faced the street and hardwood floors. The furnishings were basic with a black sectional couch, a coffee table and a flat-screen television mounted on the back wall. The kitchen was to the side with a counter for seating. I had two bedrooms, which I didn’t need. I hadn’t bothered to move after Ethan moved out to stay with Zoe.
Right about now, the space felt empty and bordering on lonely. I missed Daisy acutely. I would’ve told you before that I loathed messiness. My flat was always tidy. It wasn’t too hard to keep it that way living on my own. I was either studying, at practice, or working during those long months when I was recovering from my knee injury. My mind spun to the way it felt to be with Daisy. She wasn’t exactly a tidy person. Oh, she wasn’t a slob, but her place was warm, inviting and lived in. She left things here and there. Splashes of color brightened the space.
Just thinking of it made my flat look straight out of a black and white movie—stark and bare, devoid of the bright, whimsical touch Daisy imprinted everywhere. Between Ethan’s blunt talk and Valerie declaring I must be in love, I was over it. Every time I tried to think about life without Daisy, it felt gray and colorless and so lonely it ached. I grabbed my phone.
Chapter 28
Daisy
I reached for my phone and tapped the screen, rereading Tristan’s text for perhaps the thousandth time since he’d sent it late the other night.
I need to see you. Please.
That’s it. That’s all he said. I’d first read it around two in the morning. I’d fallen asleep restless and out of sorts. I’d woken in the midst of a heated dream—a rather amazing sex dream involving Tristan, of course. I’d been so close to orgasm, I’d almost texted him back right then and asked him to come over. But then I’d read his message again. And again and again. It was the very definition of vague. The only clarity was I knew he wanted to talk. My heart was so hungry and my hope was so greedy, I was interpreting all kinds of things.
I tossed my phone back on my desk and put my face in my hands. Tears pressed hot against the back of my eyes. Last night had been awful. I’d missed him so, so much. The strength I’d scrabbled together to send him that text had worn thin by the time I arrived home. Dinner alone and a failed attempt to zone out watching a sci-fi flick had only made me miss him more. All the things I did that I usually enjoyed felt flat and pointless. It had taken an enormous amount of will not to call him and tell him I’d changed my mind. The only thing that kept me from doing it was the fact I was an emotional mess—exactly what I needed to get past. I’d only be delaying the pain if I kept putting it off.
If I gave in and went to talk to him, I could imagine where it would go. Just being near him would make me weak, and I wouldn’t be able to hold my ground. Unless he was going all in on us, I needed to create some distance and get past the really hard part. The part where I physically ached for him, the part where my chest felt split open and my heart felt raw, the part where the desire I’d built up for him was like trying to come off of a drug. I’d never actually experienced addiction, but I’d seen it and knew what it was like to witness someone physically craving something so profoundly, they lost their sense of themselves and everything in them leaned toward their drug of choice.
Tristan had become mine. I had to end this, and end it fast, or I’d fall deeper into the madness.
I gulped in air, swallowing through the tightness in my throat. My breath filtered through my fingers when I let
out a slow, controlled sigh. After another few breaths, I lifted my head and spun in my chair. I needed to work. Restless, I stood and walked quickly out of my office to the break room. I needed more coffee and needed to move. I was walking so quickly, I rounded the corner and ran right into Dan Keller.
“Oh! I’m so sorry!” I exclaimed, taking a quick step back.
His hand curled around my upper arm, steadying me before he dropped it. “You okay?” he asked.
I looked back at him. Dan with his dark brown hair and eyes. Dan who I thought I should feel a spark with, but didn’t. Dan who had asked me out to dinner. I’d completely forgotten I’d emailed him about grabbing drinks after work.
I latched onto that as if it would save me from drowning. It wasn’t a date. I wasn’t ready for that. But it would be good for me to do something, to remind myself my heart wouldn’t be tethered forever to Tristan.
I forced a smile. “I’m fine, just walking too fast. Nothing new there,” I said with a shrug.
Dan slipped his hands in his pockets and nodded. I stood there, the smile pasted on my face feeling brittle, but I refused to let it disappear. I’d fake it until I made it through to the other side of this emotional quagmire. I wanted to blame Tristan, but I couldn’t. I’d walked in with my eyes wide open. I needed to walk out with as much boldness.
I took a deep breath. “So how about we grab some drinks after work today?” I asked, injecting a casual, cheery note in my voice.
This was no big deal. Having drinks with someone from work was perfectly normal.
“Sounds good to me,” he replied, his tone light. He’d previously responded to my email with a similar affirmative.
I managed another bright smile. “Excellent.” I made a show of glancing at the clock on the wall at the end of the hallway. “How about we meet at Harry’s at five-thirty?” I asked, referencing a bar one block away and a place often frequented by any number of employees here due to its proximity.
As soon as Dan started to nod, I smiled even bigger—it felt practically maniacal at this point—and brushed past him. “Okay then. See you there,” I said quickly as I almost ran into the break room.