Dr. Strangelove

by Peter George

  Turgidson chuckled unpleasantly. ‘Well,’ he said, ‘a Kraut by any other name, eh, Bill?’

  President Muffley said, ‘But this is fantastic, Doctor Strangelove. How can it be triggered automatically?’

  Strangelove said, ‘Sir, it is remarkably simple to do that. When you merely wish to bury bombs there is no limit to the size. I should say rather that they are not bombs, merely devices. After they are buried they are connected to a gigantic complex of computers. A specific and closely defined set of circumstances under which the bombs are to be exploded is programmed into the tape memory banks. A single roll of tape can store all the information, say, in a twenty-five volume encyclopedia, and analyse it for any desired piece of information in fifteen seconds. In order for the memory banks to decide when such a triggering circumstance has occurred, they are linked to a vast interlocking network of data-input sensors which are stationed throughout the country and orbited in satellites. These sensors monitor heat, ground shock, sound, atmospheric pressure and radioactivity.’

  Strangelove turned so he looked directly at De Sadeski. ‘There is only one thing I don’t understand, Mister Ambassador. The whole point of the Doomsday Machine is lost if you keep it a secret. Why didn’t you tell the world?’

  De Sadeski turned away. He said quietly but distinctly, ‘It was to be announced at the Party Congress on Monday. As you know, the Premier loves surprises.’

  President Muffley said, ‘Ambassador, I assume then if the attack is carried through by our planes, this thing will be set off?’

  The Russian Ambassador spoke loudly and convincingly. He appeared reluctant, but it was his duty to say it, and he said it. ‘Yes, Mister President, it will. Though I don’t think...’

  General Faceman, the Army Chief of Staff, took a message from an aide who had entered the room, scanned it quickly, then interrupted the Ambassador. ‘Excuse me, sir. I think we’re beginning to pick up some yardage. The base at Burpelson has just surrendered.’

  The President swallowed hard. This might just be it. This could be the break he had been looking for. He said, ‘Have you got the commanding general on the phone?’

  General Faceman was confident. He could not resist looking across at Turgidson who had told him earlier that the base could be defended indefinitely. Turgidson looked away. Faceman said, ‘We will in a minute, sir. Look, Mister President, I just hate to say this but if you’re unable to convince the general...’

  He looked down for a moment and crushed a cigarette in the ashtray in front of him. Then he spoke firmly. ‘If you’re unable to convince the general, will you please let me have a few words with my boys down there? I hate to suggest this, but they might be able to sort of, well, you know, convince him to give us the code.’

  BURPELSON AIR FORCE BASE

  Group Captain Mandrake stood motionless beside Ripper’s desk. His expression was fixed, and he was staring with dull, shocked eyes at a wallet of photographs. He had seen Ripper looking at this wallet before, but this was the first time he had seen the photographs. They were of Ripper’s mother and father.

  He shuffled absently through the clutter of objects on Ripper’s desk, and suddenly his attention was drawn to a ruled yellow legal-size tablet, on which he had seen Ripper doodling. He picked it up and looked at it closely. On it, scribbled in bold letters, was the phrase ‘Purity of Essence.’ Around it were drawn weird birds, diamond shapes and triangles, rifles, and the number seven. There was also the phrase ‘Peace on Earth’ repeated six or seven times.

  Mandrake studied in particular the phrases which Ripper had written. An idea was beginning to form in his mind.

  He was so absorbed in his speculation that he did not notice the entrance of a crew-cut Army officer. This was Colonel ‘Bat’ Guano, the commander of the battalion which had assaulted Burpelson.

  Guano crept into the room cautiously with his carbine held forward ready to fire.

  Mandrake was muttering to himself, ‘Peace on Earth. I wonder. POE... OPE... EOP.’

  Guano peered at him suspiciously. He said in a tight, tough voice, ‘Okay, soldier, just what the hell is going on here? What kind of uniform is that? Get your hands on your head.’

  Mandrake looked at him absently, and then looked away again. He kept on muttering, ‘POE... EOP... OPE’ until Colonel Guano ripped off two shots which tore into the desk. Guano had much experience of combat and found this to be a most effective way of convincing a prisoner he was just that. Mandrake, shocked by the near impact of the shots, hastily raised his hands.

  Guano said, ‘Quickly! Quickly! Hands on head, soldier. What kind of uniform is that, soldier?’

  ‘I happen to be Group Captain Lionel Mandrake of the Royal Air Force, General Ripper’s executive officer.’

  ‘Keep ‘em up! Keep ‘em up! Where’s General Ripper?’

  Mandrake motioned with his head. ‘Well, I’m afraid General Ripper’s disappeared, actually.’ He laughed nervously. ‘Pity you missed him, actually. He just sort of ran out.’

  Guano turned and moved across to the open door of the office. But as he moved he kept the muzzle of his carbine pointing at Mandrake, who turned to watch him. Guano looked down the empty corridor then swung back to Mandrake. ‘So he just ran out, just like that, huh?’

  ‘That’s right,’ Mandrake said quickly. ‘Now look, Colonel, can we stop playing...’

  ‘You think we were playing games out there?’ Guano’s voice was flat and unemotional, the voice of a professional accustomed to the unpleasant sights of combat and violent death. He looked at Mandrake with suspicion.

  Mandrake said, ‘Please, Colonel, I’ve got a terrific hunch on the recall code, you know. I think I know what it is and I simply must get in touch with Strategic Air Command Headquarters.’ He began to move toward the phone.

  Guano said menacingly, ‘Just keep them up nice on your head, Group Captain whatever-your-name-is. Do you have any witness to this thing?’

  Mandrake swallowed. He tried desperately to put into his voice a calmness which would convince this soldier. He said, ‘Now look here, Colonel, you’ve got this thing all confused in your mind somehow. But there’s not a second to lose. You see, I think it’s a variation of “Peace on Earth.” It was a kind of recurrent theme. It could be some variation... POE... OPE... PEO... EPO... EOP.’ His voice died away as Guano pushed the carbine forward at him.

  Guano was becoming convinced now that he was facing a lunatic. Besides, he was suspicious of Mandrake’s strange uniform and long hair. Perverts let their hair grow long, he knew. They liked to dress up in fancy clothes, too. He said soothingly, ‘Sure, fella, sure. Now just keep your hands nice and neat on the top of your head, and let’s start walking out of here. Okay, pal?’

  Mandrake said quickly, ‘Colonel, don’t you know what’s happened?’

  ‘Now just calm down like I said, fella, and start walking.’

  ‘Well then, I mean I suppose you’re not fully in the picture then, are you, Colonel? Don’t you know that General Ripper went mad as a bloody March hare? He sent the entire bloody wing to attack the Soviets!’

  Guano looked thoughtfully at Mandrake. There had to be some reason, he knew, for the assault being ordered on the base, but he shrugged it off. He said, ‘Now look, don’t get excited, fella.’

  Mandrake said desperately, ‘Colonel, if we don’t get cracking on this, the whole world may go for a Burton.’

  Guano stepped back a pace.

  Mandrake looked at him carefully. He thought he could detect an expression of doubt on Guano’s face. He pressed the advantage, speaking fast and distinctly. ‘Now look, just let me pick up this nice red telephone that connects to SAC headquarters, see?’

  He moved forward to the phone and, as if he were talking to a child, said, ‘Now, I’m picking up the phone, nice and slow, right? Hello? Hello?... Damn, must be dead. I guess the lines were hit during the fighting.’

  Colonel Guano was watching him like a hawk.

  Mand
rake said, ‘Now see, I’m picking up this ordinary telephone.’ He lifted the other telephone on the desk and held it to his ear. Then he saw that the line had been cut by a shot and the telephone was not connected. ‘It’s no use, this is something that must have happened during that idiotic fighting.’ He slammed the receiver back on its rest.

  Guano said quietly, ‘Now listen to me, you fruitcake. I’ve got wounded men outside and you’ve wasted enough of my time.’

  Mandrake was certain he knew the code. He lost his temper and shouted at Guano, ‘Damn it, you blasted American idiot! Can’t you get it through that thick GI brain of yours that we’re on to something infernally important here?’

  Colonel Guano stepped back a pace. Again he ripped a shot into the top of the desk. After the echo of the shot died away he said, ‘Now, snap out of it, fella, you hear me?’

  Mandrake by this time was beyond shock. He said, ‘What the hell do you think you’re doing?’

  ‘Start walking.’

  Mandrake shrugged. He walked across the office, his hands on his head. Guano walked behind him, the carbine pointed at Mandrake’s back.

  Mandrake half turned. He said, ‘Colonel, while there’s still time, I must ask you, just what is it you think has been going on here this morning?’

  Guano said coldly, ‘If you want to know what I think, I think you’re some kind of deviated pervert. I think General Ripper discovered your perversion, and that you engineered a mutiny of perverts. On top of that my orders didn’t say nothing about planes attacking Russia. All I was told was to put General Ripper on the phone with the President of the United States.’

  Mandrake swung around completely. ‘Hold on, that’s it, the President!’

  ‘What about the President?’

  Mandrake’s voice was excited now. ‘You said the President wants to speak to General Ripper, didn’t you? Well, Ripper’s not here, is he? And I’m his executive officer, so he’ll bloody well want to speak to me, don’t you see?’ He pointed to the pay phone near them. ‘And there’s a phone booth there, and that line’s sure to be open.’

  Guano looked at Mandrake incredulously. He said, ‘You want to talk to the President of the United States? You?’

  Mandrake’s voice was quiet, but completely convincing. ‘Colonel, unless you stop this silly-ass nonsense and let me use that phone, I can damned well assure you the Court of Inquiry on this will give you such a pranging, you’ll count yourself lucky to wear the uniform of a toilet attendant.’

  Guano swung his carbine from one hand to the other. He looked first at Mandrake, then at the pay phone, then back to Mandrake again. He said slowly and reluctantly, ‘Okay, you see if you can get the President of the United States on the telephone. But if you try any perversions in there, I’ll blow your head off!’

  Without replying, Mandrake dashed into the phone booth. He fumbled in his pocket, found a dime and dialled the operator, then waited for the operator’s voice.

  When it came, he immediately began to talk. ‘Hello, operator? This is Group Captain Mandrake at Burpelson Air Force Base. Something rather important has come up, and I would like to place an emergency person-to-person call to President Merkin Muffley in the Pentagon, Washington, DC... No, I’m perfectly serious... that’s right... that’s right, the President, President of the United States.’ He paused. ‘How much? Two dollars and seventy-five cents. Just a moment.’

  He quickly counted his change and saw that it was not enough, then beat his pockets looking for more. But he had no more change.

  Outside, Guano looked at him suspiciously. He held his carbine so it was lined up on Mandrake’s head.

  Mandrake spoke frantically into the phone. ‘Can you make this a collect call, operator?... That’s right, Group Captain Lionel Mandrake, Burpelson Air Force Base. What? Well, look here, tell them it’s terrifically important, will you?’ He paused again. ‘All right, just a moment...’

  He continued to hold the receiver in his right hand and pushed open the door with his left. He said, ‘Colonel, they aren’t allowed to accept any long-distance collect calls at the Pentagon. Look here, I need fifty-five cents.’

  Bat Guano said contemptuously, ‘I wouldn’t carry loose change going into combat, fruit cake.’

  Mandrake spoke into the phone again. ‘Operator, how much would a call be station-to-station? Oh, I’d still be minus twenty cents. You couldn’t put it through, could you? It’s terrifically important.’

  He listened to the reply, then said, ‘All right, just a second, operator, I’ll try to get it.’ He covered the mouthpiece and turned toward Guano. Over the colonel’s shoulder he saw a Coke machine he had often used in the past. Suddenly there was hope. He said, ‘Colonel, I want you to shoot the lock off that Coke machine. There’s bound to be a lot of change in there.’

  Colonel Guano was unimpressed. ‘That’s private property, Group Captain.’

  Mandrake said emphatically, ‘Colonel, just imagine what’s going to happen to your career, when the Court of Inquiry learns that you have so completely obstructed this call to the President.’ He spoke again to the operator. ‘Just a moment, operator, I know I have the change somewhere.’

  Guano sensed the urgency in Mandrake’s voice. What the hell, he thought, there’d been a lot of shots round the place anyway. And maybe this guy might have something important. He turned and carefully, almost apologetically, fired two shots into the coin box of the Coke machine.

  A profusion of coins spilled on the floor.

  And a stream of Coca-Cola splashed into the colonel’s face.

  Mandrake scrabbled on the floor and came up with a fistful of coins.

  Guano said, ‘You got a handkerchief?’

  ‘Don’t you have one?’ Mandrake said coldly.

  ‘I wouldn’t carry handkerchiefs going into combat, either,’ Guano said.

  ‘No time now.’ Mandrake rushed into the phone booth and picked up the receiver.

  ‘Operator... operator... operator, where the hell are you, operator? Well I mean, this is terribly important, you know. No, I didn’t use bad language... Well, how can I tell what you mean by bad language. Now please, I beg you, put this call through. I have the change right here.’

  Mandrake slid coins into the slot and waited impatiently for the call to come through.

  He heard the clicking of distant connections, then a female voice said, ‘Dudley three, three three three three.’

  Mandrake said quickly, ‘I have to talk to the President. An urgent message. Will you connect me fast, please?’

  The voice said, ‘Who is this?’

  ‘It’s Grou... never mind that, it’s Burpelson Air Force Base. You’ll find he wants to talk to us... All right, I’ll hold on. But please make it as fast as you can.’

  Guano had brushed away most of the liquid from his face and wiped his hands on his stained uniform.

  He poked his head into the door of the phone booth and said suspiciously, ‘What’s going on?’

  Mandrake said, ‘I’m through to the Pentagon. They’re trying to contact the President.’

  Guano moved away and leaned against the wall opposite the phone booth. He watched Mandrake with continued suspicion.

  Mandrake heard a click at the other end of the line as a phone was lifted. He said, ‘Look here, this is Burpelson Air Force Base. Is this the President?’ He added as an afterthought, ‘Sir.’

  A deep voice said, ‘No, it is not. Is this Burpelson?’

  Mandrake said, ‘Yes, this is Burpelson, but I want the President.’

  ‘You can pass your message to me.’

  ‘How do I know that?’

  ‘Because I tell you, Burpelson. For your information I am General Faceman’s aide. The President is busy on another line.’

  Mandrake thought for a moment. He looked at his watch and saw that the bombers must now be close to their targets. ‘All right, but please remember this is jolly important, I mean the message must be passed on immediately, or we’
ll all be in big trouble.’

  ‘It’ll be passed on.’

  Mandrake said, ‘Well here it is. You know poor General Ripper went completely bloody mad and sent a wing against the Soviets?’

  ‘We do.’

  ‘Well you see, I think it’s ‘Peace on Earth.’

  The voice at the other end said, ‘What was that again? This must be a bad line.’

  ‘Well never mind, but I think you’ll find the recall code is some combination of the letters POE plus whatever number fluorine is in the periodic table... No, I don’t know the number, but you must have some people in the Pentagon who know it.’

  The voice said, ‘Now, let me get this straight. You think the recall code is a combination of the letters POE plus the number of chlorine?’

  ‘No,’ Mandrake shouted in exasperation, ‘fluorine!’

  ‘Fluorine?’

  ‘Yes,’ Mandrake shouted, ‘fluorine. F-L-U-O-R-I-N-E, fluorine.’

  ‘And you believe that’s it?’

  Mandrake said firmly, ‘I do.’

  ‘Okay, I’ll pass it on.’

  Mandrake heard a click as the line went dead. He replaced the phone and came out of the booth.

  Guano looked at him with slightly less suspicion than previously. He said, ‘Did you get him? Did you speak with the President?’

  ‘No,’ Mandrake said, ‘I spoke with the aide of a General Faceman. He is passing the information on.’

  ‘Okay,’ Guano said. ‘Well, maybe I was wrong about you, but let’s not try any tricks, huh? Let’s you and I go out and try to locate General Ripper.’

  Mandrake smoothed his hair abstractedly. He realised suddenly that he was improperly dressed. He said, ‘Look here, Colonel, I just want to go back to my office for a moment and locate my headgear. Can’t be seen walking around without correct headgear.’

  Guano said, ‘Well okay, but let’s make it fast. We gotta locate the General.’

  They walked quickly to Mandrake’s office. Mandrake collected his uniform cap and put it on. The control-tower telephone rang. Mandrake picked it up and said, ‘Yes, this is the executive. In what?... Five minutes ago. I see.’ He put the phone down and turned to Guano. ‘I don’t think it’ll be much use looking for General Ripper, Colonel.’