Healing a Heart

by Amy Lillard

  Chapter Seventeen

  After they ate, the remainder of the day was consumed with football, football, and football.

  Bryn curled up on the couch and listened to Grandma Esther and Jake argue about defensive lines and offensive plays, and she wondered if there would really be future Thanksgivings just like this one. Everything about the Langston household was exactly what she wanted from her own life. She tried to give Emery the best childhood possible, but she couldn’t give her this. She couldn’t give her her mother back, her father back, and even if she could have, they surely wouldn’t have argued over something as trivial as a football game when they could have discussed airborne pathogens versus blood-borne pathogens. Such was the problem from having science nerds for parents.

  She must’ve dozed off somewhere around the third quarter of the second game. One minute she was watching the Cowboys run for a touchdown and the next Jake was gently shaking her shoulder.

  “Bryn?”

  She pushed herself into a sitting position. “Did I fall asleep?”

  “Yes.”

  She nodded, not feeling quite all the way awake. “I’m sorry.” She pushed herself the rest of the way up. The TV was off and no one else was around. Outside the windows, the sky was dark and as usual covered with a million twinkling stars.

  He must’ve put Wesley to bed by now.

  “It’s okay. You’ve been doing a lot lately. I’m sure you’re exhausted.”

  She nodded and allowed him to pull her to her feet.

  There was something, something she wanted to talk to him about. But what was it?

  He took her by her elbow and steered her out of the room.

  “Oh, yeah. Names.”

  They walked through the darkened house together, Jake’s arm supporting her though she really didn’t need it. Still, she wouldn’t pull away from his touch for anything. How long had it been since he’d even clasped her hand in his? She couldn’t even remember. She hadn’t realized how much she missed it until now.

  “What about names?”

  “We need them. For the babies.”

  He stopped. As if the thought hadn’t occurred to him either.

  “Why don’t you come up with a list and then we can talk about them.”

  “I don’t like that idea. It sounds like I come up with names and you just get to be angry about them.”

  “I’m sure I won’t get mad.”

  “I’m not willing to risk it.”

  “Or you don’t want to come up with names by yourself.”

  “They’re your babies too.”

  “And so you finally admit that.”

  “This is exactly what I was trying to avoid!”

  They stopped in the kitchen. The light was on over the sink and the refrigerator hummed, but the rest of the house was dark and quiet.

  “Sorry.” He heaved in a huge breath. “Do you want to write down some names now?”

  “I feel like we should do something. I mean, they can come any time. Twins are notoriously early, and we don’t have anything for them. Not a crib. Not one stitch of clothing.” To her dismay, tears rose into her eyes. “They don’t even have names.”

  “Shhhh . . .” He pulled her into his arms.

  She hated to admit it, but she needed this. She needed to be held by him. She needed to know that he cared. If only just a little. “If you want to name them, we can name them right now. And tomorrow, first thing, we’ll go shopping, buy them everything they need.”

  She sniffed and snuggled a little closer to his warmth. She should have been pushing him away. But she couldn’t. He might not love her the way she loved him. And he might not ever. But she had agreed to marry him. They needed to make the best of every moment.

  “Your mother wants to have a baby shower. You know we have to let her.”

  He chuckled. It started like a rumble under her ear before escaping him and actually becoming a sound. “I don’t think we can stop her. But we can name the babies. Or at least come up with a few ideas.”

  She wiped at her tears, then reluctantly pulled away from him. “Okay.”

  “Here,” he said. “Come sit at the table.”

  They settled down across from each other in the dimly lit kitchen.

  “Do you have any favorite names?” he asked.

  She shook her head. All those names she loved in high school were dated and trite now that she was older. “My dad’s name was Jasper.”

  He seemed to think about it a second. “I’m not sure it fits for a girl.”

  “Will you be serious?”

  He flashed her that sexy grin that had gotten them into this mess to begin with. “Admit it. It’s a terrible name for a girl.”

  Must have been the smile. “It’s a terrible name for a girl. But do you like it for a boy?”

  “It can definitely be a maybe.”

  She nodded. “What name do you like?”

  “Annabelle.”

  She made a face.

  “What’s wrong with Annabelle?”

  “I think they’re boys. Annabelle is an awful name for a boy.”

  He laughed, the sound rich. But was it sincere? She didn’t know. She only knew that there was a Jake she had never seen and she hadn’t caught a glimpse of him yet. “Okay, I’ve got an idea. If the twins are girls, then I get to name them.”

  “Both of them?”

  He nodded. “And if they’re boys, you can name them.”

  “What if there is one of each?”

  “Do you think there will be?”

  She shrugged. “Anything’s possible, I guess.”

  “We could let Wesley name them.”

  “Oh, no,” Bryn said. “She wants to name the black cat out there Susan.”

  “What’s wrong with that?”

  “Have you ever heard of a cat named Susan?”

  “Right. So if there’s one of each, we each name one.”

  “Perfect.”

  He picked up her hand and turned it over, staring at the lines on her palm. “Do you feel better now?”

  She nodded.

  “Then come on.” He stood and reached out a hand to her. “I’ll walk you to your room.”

  • • •

  The following week was taken up with picking up everything they needed for the wedding. And of course an appointment with Dr. Gary. He said everything looked fine and made Bryn an appointment for the following week. His goal was to get them through Christmas. Her goal was to get through the wedding. One day at a time.

  But she passed most of her time working on Christmas presents for the Langstons. She had managed to get Rick’s sister to go to her house and pack up her studio, at least her smaller equipment, her raw materials, and die-casting molds.

  It felt good to begin to create once more. And not for a living, but for love. She was making every one of the Langstons something special for Christmas.

  “Too bad Chase can’t make it back,” Grandma Esther said as she tied ribbons around the small sacks of birdseed.

  The rodeo circuit had ended for the year with the national championship in Las Vegas, but no one had heard from Jake’s brother Chase. If some of the Professional Bull Riders fan sites were correct, then Chase had holed up with a rodeo groupie or two and might not be heard from until the schedule started back in the spring. Bryn wasn’t sure if he’d even been told about his mother’s relapse.

  “Are you sure all those are necessary?” Bryn nodded pointedly at the growing pile of birdseed pouches.

  Evelyn had gone to lie down and Wesley wasn’t out of school yet. So it was just the two of them putting the final touches on the details Evelyn had insisted on.

  “Oh, yes.” She finished another one and tossed it on the top of the pile with the others. “Everyone is coming.”

&nb
sp; Everyone?

  Panic surged through her. Who was everyone?

  She tamped down that panic. It felt a little too much like a jinx to be planning such a wedding for two mismatched people. She and Jake didn’t really belong together and yet they were having babies and getting married. Bryn wished that she had insisted that they just have a civil service. All these wedding plans were making her crazy.

  “Are you sure you’re up for making the cake?” Bryn asked. Jake’s grandmother might be tough as nails, but there was still a fragility about her that Bryn couldn’t deny. The cake was just one more thing on the growing list of more than needed to be.

  Grandma Esther pinned her with that wise blue gaze. “I think you need to quit worrying, girl. We’ve got this.”

  They might have it, but Bryn wasn’t sure she did.

  Just then, Jake let himself into the house. He cradled his left hand in his right, blood seeping between his fingers.

  Bryn was on her feet in a second. “What happened?”

  “I cut myself.” He waved her away with his good hand. “I’m fine.”

  She nodded as he turned to the sink and started running water over the wound.

  “You need to put pressure on that.”

  “I need to clean it first.”

  She frowned at him, then wrapped his hand in a dish towel and pulled him toward their rooms.

  “Really, Bryn, I’m fine,” he protested.

  “I think you’ve mentioned that.” But she needed an opportunity to talk to him alone and this one would do just fine. She lowered the lid in the toilet. “Sit.” And surprisingly, he did.

  “Keep putting pressure on that until I find the supplies.”

  He indicated the cabinet on the left with a quick dip of his chin. “Check there.”

  She pilfered through the cabinet finding gauze pads, butterfly bandages, hydrogen peroxide, and triple antibiotic ointment.

  “Let me see.” She unwrapped his hand, careful to keep it from bleeding again. “It’s not so bad.”

  He snorted. “I think I said that earlier.”

  “So, about the wedding,” she said as she dabbed the wound clean. She added two butterfly strips and a Band-Aid to keep dirt out.

  “What about the wedding?” He squinted at her.

  She gave a one-shoulder shrug and leaned up against the bathroom counter. “I don’t know. It just seems like such a big deal.”

  He studied her for a moment. “It is a big deal.”

  “I mean, it’s too much.”

  “You want me to tell my mother to back off a little?”

  Telling Evelyn Langston to back off would be the equivalent of telling a bull not to grow horns, and that just wasn’t happening. Plus Bryn wouldn’t do anything to hurt Evelyn. She’d grown quite fond of Jake’s mother and was a bit protective of her seeing as how she was going through cancer treatments. But still . . . “It just makes me uncomfortable.”

  He shifted his weight on the toilet seat and studied her once more. “What does?”

  “That everybody’s making such a big deal out of it.”

  “Exactly why does that bother you?”

  “I’m afraid it’ll jinx us, okay? Make this big ordeal out of this wedding and the next thing you know . . .”

  He took her hand in his good one. Running his fingers across the back of her knuckles. “Are you having second thoughts?”

  “I don’t know what I’m having.”

  He stood and gave her a brotherly kiss on the forehead. “It’s our wedding, Bryn. It’s our marriage. We can make of it what we want to and everybody else be damned.” He tilted her chin up, forcing her to meet his gaze. “Is that what you want to hear?”

  She shook her head. “It’s not about what I want to hear, Jake. It’s about—”

  “About what?”

  It was about pretending. They were pushing it already pretending to be a couple, holding this big wedding, getting married because they were having babies. He pretended that he loved her when she knew, everybody knew, that he still grieved for his wife. She just wasn’t certain how long she could stand it. Bringing all that out in the open, how would that fix anything?

  “Never mind,” she mumbled.

  “Bryn, why don’t you take a nap and let Grandma Esther worry about everything.”

  That would be the easy way out, let somebody else worry about it. And heaven help her, she wanted to take it. Otherwise she might have to face two more truths about her and Jake’s relationship than she wanted to admit.

  • • •

  December first arrived and with it an extreme case of nerves.

  “What am I doing?” She studied herself in the mirror, critically going over her burgeoning form.

  “You’re getting married to the second-handsomest man in Page County,” Jessie said, spraying one last layer of hairspray onto Bryn’s updo.

  “Who’s the first?”

  “My husband.” Jessie laughed.

  Bryn joined in, but it quickly turned to tears. “No, really. What am I doing?”

  Jessie wrapped her in a warm hug. “You’re worrying over nothing.”

  “It sure doesn’t feel like nothing.”

  Jessie pulled away and handed Bryn a tissue. “If you don’t stop this, you’re going to mess up your makeup.”

  Bryn dabbed at her eyes, doing her best not to ruin her eyeliner.

  “You want to know a secret?” Jessie asked. Her eyes sparkled like gray jewels. “I’m pregnant.”

  “Oh, Jess, that’s wonderful.”

  She nodded. “Our babies will only be a few months apart.”

  Family. There it was again. The sole reason why she had come here. The sole reason why she had agreed to marry Jake. And yet now she wanted more.

  “You’re the first person I’ve told,” Jessie continued. “Except for Seth, of course.”

  “I’m honored.”

  “Do you know why I’m telling you?”

  Someone knocked on the door. “Ten minutes, girls.”

  It was almost time. Bryn ran her hands down her sides. She could do this. She could. For the twins. “Why?” she asked.

  “Because you need to know. Everything happens for a reason.”

  Did it truly?

  “I don’t know why I lost the first baby. But I know without it, Seth and I would have never gotten married. And that’s not how it’s supposed to happen. You and Jake might have gone about this a little backward. Lord knows, Seth and I did. But that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen the way it was supposed to.

  “Maybe you’re here so you can heal after losing your sister. Or maybe you’re here to help Jake, but you getting pregnant and moving to Texas . . . it was part of a greater plan. Jake needs this. He needs you.”

  “He doesn’t need me.”

  Jessie shook her head. “I’ve known Jake most of my life and I tell you, that man needs you more than he needs air. He just doesn’t know it yet.”

  Bryn let her words sink in.

  “Seth was the same when we got married. It’s easy to look back and see that now, so I know what I’m talking about. Just make sure when the time comes you’re there for him.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  Jessie clasped Bryn’s cold hands in her own. “Don’t shut yourself off thinking he’ll come around. You have to leave yourself open and he’ll find his way there.”

  A short rap sounded at the door. “It’s time.”

  Jessie squeezed Bryn’s fingers and gave her a dazzling smile. “Are you ready?”

  Bryn nodded and headed for the door.

  • • •

  Jake stood at the altar marveling at what the women in his life had accomplished in such a short period of time. Somehow they had managed to get the church, decorate it, and invit
e half the town.

  Next to him stood Seth and Joe Dan, while out in the crowd, friends and family waited for the big moment.

  Rick stood across from him and in a few minutes he would be joined by Jessie, who was walking down the aisle just before Bryn.

  So much work had gone into today. So much time, energy, effort. And for a marriage in name only.

  Suddenly he realized what Bryn had been talking about a few days ago. They were deceiving themselves and everyone around them.

  But it doesn’t have to be that way.

  The organist started to play, and Wesley skipped down the aisle, tossing white flower petals from side to side. She went as far as the front pew, then plopped down between her nana and Grandma Esther.

  Jessie was next, smiling prettily as she walked the steps that Bryn would soon take. The woman who was like a sister to him only had eyes for Seth. The pair looked as if they had some secret that the world needed to know, but they weren’t telling.

  He wanted that too, that connection with another. And why couldn’t they have it? Jessie and Seth’s marriage hadn’t exactly started off on the right foot. And yet they had found a love without measure. Why couldn’t he and Bryn have the same?

  But Jessie and Seth had known each other most of their lives. He and Bryn were having babies together but were barely acquainted. She had been telling him that all along, but he had been too stubborn to listen.

  Jessie took her place next to Rick and the music changed. Pachelbel’s Canon gave way to the wedding march and everyone stood.

  Bryn walked slowly toward him, a spray of white carnations mixed with white roses in her trembling hands. Her steps were graceful despite her extended girth. And she wore the cowboy boots he had bought her in San Angelo. She shot him a trembling smile, which he returned with as much confidence as he could muster. He was confident about what he was doing. He was confident that they could make a life together. And he was confident that he wanted that life to be with her, but standing up in front of everybody and declaring as much was still a little unnerving. He’d rather get on the back of a wild bronco any day.

  She took a place across from him as the preacher looked out over friends and family.

  “Dearly beloved, we have gathered here today . . .”