This Can't be Life

by Shakara Cannon

  I walked in and stood in the middle of the foyer, staring at a large palm tree that was at least 20 feet high. I looked up and noticed that the ceiling was glass and at least 25 feet high.

  “What’s up, Simone Johnson?” C. Banks asked playfully as he came down the stairs.

  “What’s up with you, C. Banks?” I retorted, laughing. He walked up to me and gave me a long firm hug, making my body tingle all over.

  “You smell good. What chu wearing?” he asked.

  “Thanks. It’s perfume.” I replied, smiling.

  “Noooo, really?” he asked sarcastically.

  “I’m not telling you what I’m wearing so you can buy if for the next chick.”

  “You got a real smart mouth, little girl,” he grabbed my hand and led me down a hall into the kitchen and family room.

  “That’s because I am smart,” I laughed. I knew I was going to have fun with him. I haven’t felt this excited in a long time.

  “You look pretty. Got dressed for me?” he asked as we sat down at the breakfast nook that overlooked the infinity pool in his backyard.

  “I sure did. You like?” I asked, openly flirting.

  “Yup. That cashmere is hot,” he stated, brushing his hand against my sweater.

  “You down to go out tonight?”

  “Yeah, I’m down. I need to go home and change, though.”

  “No, you don’t. You look hot to death. It’s a casual spot anyway. Everybody’ll be chillin’. You couldn’t look any better. Got on your Christian Louboutin, huh?” he asked, surprising the hell out of me.

  “How do you know?” I asked alarmed. Only gay men knew shoes like that. Hell, Stacey taught me well.

  “My wife wears them. She just bought those shoes you wearin’ in that white shiny shit,” he stated nonchalantly.

  “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up. Did you say your wife?” Maybe I had heard him wrong.

  “Yeah, I’m married. She was with me when you wouldn’t have second glanced me. I was broke as shit and she loved me. She deserves to be my wife, but who knows what the future holds?” I was blown far, far away. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know whether to leave or just stand there looking stupid like I was doing at that moment.

  “Do you guys have kids? Does she know that you see other women? Where is she now? Does she live in this house? Am I in your wife’s house, Carlton?” I asked, completely flabbergasted by his admission.

  “No, she doesn’t live here. She lives on the East Coast with my two kids, and yeah, she knows I see other women. She respects me as a man. I wanted to do right by her. She knew I wasn’t exactly ready to get married, but she has my children and she takes care of them well. They should at least be able to say that their parents are married and still together. Hell, I couldn’t say that. Could you?” he asked.

  “Yeah, I could. This is crazy.” I got up, walked to the double French doors in the kitchen, and looked out onto his sprawling estate.

  “It’s wrong for me to be here with you. I don’t do this type of shit. I wouldn’t want some woman hanging around my husband! I can just see the karma coming back to me from this shit! I have enough to reap all ready. I mean, what would I look like traipsing around town with a married man? That’s embarrassing,” I thought aloud.

  “Look, I understand where you coming from, but no one knows that I’m married but my people. It’s not out there like that. I have to keep my image intact. I could’ve easily not told you and you would’ve never found out. You shouldn’t worry about what other people think about you anyway. Shit, if I worried about what people thought about me, I’d be real fucked up because people always got something to say. I told you because I don’t lie about anything. If I did it, I did it. Now if you want Bill to take you back home, he will.”

  He walked over and stood behind me. I could feel his breath on my neck as he kissed me once between my shoulder and right ear. I couldn’t help but shiver as he turned me around to face him.

  “You all right?” he asked.

  “Yeah, I’m just selfish.”

  “Selfish about what?”

  “I don’t like to share.” I put it bluntly.

  “I promise you’ll never feel like your sharing. But you should have learned how to share when you were in preschool. Didn’t they teach you that?” he laughed.

  “I’m an only child. It went through one ear and right out the other,” we laughed.

  “A spoiled woman? What in the world did I do to deserve this?” he joked, looking up toward the ceiling.

  “I still can’t believe you threw my cigarette when we met,” he laughed. “You got balls, or at least you think you do.”

  “No, I don’t have balls. I have tits. You need to quit smoking those cancer sticks anyway,” I partly joked.

  “I’ll work on that. Until then, I just won’t smoke around you. Deal?” he asked with a twinkle in his eyes. He had this mischievous smirk on his face that made me smile.

  “Deal. Thanks for the consideration.” I replied sarcastically.

  “What do you want to do today?” he asked, checking his iPhone and typing a message.

  “I don’t know. Doesn’t matter to me,” I replied not caring where we went. I felt alive for the first time in months.

  “All right then, you down to just roll with me? I have to go to Power 106 radio station to do a drop. Then I have to meet someone from Vibe at Bossa Nova for an interview. So we can get there a little early and eat before he gets there. After, we can come back here, so I can change. Then we can go to the party. Sound cool?” He asked, holding my waist.

  “Yeah, that’s cool. But why did you ask me what I wanted to do and invite me out if you had all this stuff going on today? What if I didn’t want to go?” I was very curious about the way his mind worked. It was very vain of him to think that I wouldn’t mind tagging along with him all day, taking care of his business.

  “Well, if you didn’t want to come then I would’ve asked you to stay here until I got back, and if you would’ve said no to that then I would’ve sent yo ass back home…and picked you up on the way to the party,” he laughed his contagious laugh, which caused me to join in. He hugged me and it felt like where I should be. It definitely didn’t feel like a first hug. I felt safe in his arms. I closed my eyes and prayed that this feeling would never go away. I made a vow right then and there that I would do whatever I had to do to make sure it didn’t. Shit, I deserve happiness, too.

  Talise

  I opened my eyes and instinctively looked beside me. I liked to watch Malachi sleep. He always slept so peacefully, but what drunk didn’t? I knew that he had a problem, but every time I tried to bring it up, I backed down, too afraid of losing him. I ask myself if this is something I could deal with and I come up with no answer. He doesn’t act any differently when he’s drinking, or maybe I don’t know how he really acts because he’s been drinking since way before me.

  Why couldn’t I just find the perfect man? Maybe because a perfect person doesn’t exist. I heard that voice of reason speaking to me once again. My inner voice had been running its mouth for the past couple of months, telling me to open my eyes, but I always pushed those voices and thoughts out of my head, trying to deny the obvious. I knew he had a problem, but the question was, did he know that he had a problem? Yeah, he didn’t get sloppy drunk and pass out. I thought as I brushed my teeth and washed my face. He doesn’t act belligerent, but I knew it could only get worse. I didn’t want to give up on him or let him go because he has a problem. I’ve never been a big drinker myself. I’ll have a drink or two while out with Monie and Stacey at dinner or at a club or something, but it was very seldom that I would sit at home watching the damned nightly news, throwing back shots of vodka.

  I decided to discuss it with him over breakfast. I made pancakes, turkey bacon, turkey sausage patties, and cheese eggs. I cut up strawberries, cantaloupe, and pineapple and placed a vine of purple grapes around the bowl. I knew he’d be awake before I finished prepari
ng breakfast. The smell alone could probably wake my neighbors.

  I felt him walk up behind me while I scooped eggs onto our plates. “Mmmmm, smells good. What did I do to deserve this?” he asked, kissing my neck.

  “You don’t have to do anything to get a home cooked meal around here and you know that,” I replied, kissing him on the cheek.

  “You hungry?”

  “You know I’m always hungry for you, but I’ll eat some food this morning since you did all this cooking. I have to get to the hospital soon. Surgery at 1:00,” he sighed.

  “Are you all right? Is something on your mind, babe?” I asked.

  “Yeah, I woke up this morning and felt that I needed to tell you that I love you,” I looked him in his eyes, searching for sincerity.

  “I…I don’t know what to say Malachi,” I whispered as my eyes welled up with tears.

  “You don’t have to tell me you love me back. It’s okay if you’re not in love with me, too, but I thought you should know how I feel.” He picked up our plates and walked them to the table. All the while, I stood there, unable to move or say the things that I wanted to say. I wanted to tell him that I loved him, too, but that I was scared. Scared of what I knew I needed to talk to him about.

  “Malachi, I love you, too. I have loved you more and more everyday since our first date.” I sat down in front of my plate, bowed my head, and prayed. I prayed for both of us, and I prayed on what I was going to say next. My appetite was gone. Actually, it was never really there.

  “Malachi, I’m worried about you. We’ve been dating for over four months now, and I’m just…scared for you. I’ve smelled liquor on your breath more times than I can count, and that scares me. Why are you drinking like that? Be honest with me, please. How long have you been drinking?” He took a sip of his orange juice, then got up from the table, and walked into the bedroom as I sat there with tears rolling down my cheeks. I rested my head in the palms of my hands and cried silently. I didn’t hear him come back to the table and sit down. I didn’t even know he was there until he spoke.

  “I’m not going to keep running away from my problems. I’m tired of running and, to tell you the truth, I’m tired of living my life like this, Talise.” Tears came to his eyes and he bent his head back to prevent them from falling. “I’ve been drinking for years. It just keeps me going now. It doesn’t even give me a buzz anymore. I drink more now because I’m mentally used to having a couple of drinks every day. I’ve been drinking like this since my last year of med school.” He took a long pause as if he were gathering his thoughts.

  “I’ve had a real messed up life, Talise. More fucked up than you can imagine. Moving here from Trinidad was the best thing that could’ve happened to me. I was living in a mental hell there. My father remarried when I was five years old. He was trying everything in his power to forget about my mother …‘the mother who left us’ he always said. When I was six my brother, Marlin, was born, I was completely forgotten. They supported him in any endeavor. Basketball games, soccer, straight A’s, I excelled at them all, but nothing I did was enough for them to pay attention to me. However, those same things would bring them so much joy when Marlin was the one doing them. Then, my little sister, Aleika, came. She was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen, but I was really pushed to the back burner when she was born. It was kind of like I didn’t exist to my father or his wife. They didn’t really say much to me, so I came to accept the fact that I wasn’t loved. I had never heard them tell me they loved me…and it wasn’t like they didn’t tell Marlin and Aleika they loved them, because they would; right in my face, actually. But never once would they look my way with any type of emotion or affection.” What he was telling me brought me to tears and I couldn’t stop them from falling.

  “I believe my father blamed me for my mother’s death. That is the only reason I can think of for why he treated me the way he did. When my grandfather was diagnosed with cancer, we moved to the States, to DC. I immediately moved in with my grandmother to help her with my grandfather. It was like day and night there. They showered me with love and attention. I got to spend a lot of time with my grandfather before he got really sick and, when he did, I was there to help my grandmother take care of him. He was the only father I really knew. It wasn’t like I could walk around thinking that the way my father treated me was normal because he didn’t treat my brother and sister the same.

  My grandfather lived for three years after he was diagnosed, although, he was only given six months to a year to live. He was able to get around by himself until the last six months of his life. Those last months were hell for us all. Watching him suffer was the worse thing I’ve ever experienced. I used to pray for God to take him, to take him out of his misery, but he was taken to the brink before he passed. It was horrible.” Tears streamed freely from his eyes and he got up, went to the sofa, and sat down. I followed and sat next to him.

  “My grandmother put me through college. She was a mother to me, the only mother I’d ever know. She got to see me graduate undergrad; I was 21 and she was in her late 60s. She would always tell me that I was going to be the next Ben Carson and made sure that I read everything about the man and his life. The night before she passed, we sat up talking and she told me how much my father loved my mother. She asked me to not hold a grudge against my father. She thought that he was still grieving over my mother’s death. She mainly reiterated over and over how I had to be better than the rest and show everyone what they couldn’t see, or refused to see, in me all ready.” I could see Malachi’s tears drop onto his lap. There were plenty by this point in his story.

  “When she didn’t wake up the next morning, I vowed to keep the promise I made to her the night before. I vowed that I would never stop until I reached the top. She left me everything. Her way of getting back at my father for treating me the way he did, I guess. I was able to pay for medical school but didn’t have to because I received a full scholarship. So the money I inherited, I invested, and I kept some to live comfortably off campus.”

  “You know Talise? I don’t think I’ve ever fully gotten over my mother’s or my grandmother’s deaths. When my grandfather died, my grandmother made me mourn him. She held me, made me feel like it was all right to cry, made me talk about him. She wouldn’t let me pin it all up so it could eat away at my insides, but that’s exactly what I did when she died. I couldn’t deal with it. I had to push it back as far as I could because the pain was unbearable. I was doing good for a while, just having drinks on the weekends, hanging out with my friends. Then the pressure got heavy and I had no family by my side to encourage me, no one really. My last year of med school was when I really started drinking more regularly. First, every other day, then everyday, and here I am now. I can’t believe I even made it through my residency. It’s crazy how someone can be a doctor and care so much about other peoples lives and not give a shit about his own, huh?” he asked, putting his head in his hands. I knew he was in pain and I was hurting for him as well.

  “When’s the last time you heard from your father?” I asked softly.

  “When I was in DC for a conference about two years ago, I called him to let him know that I was in town. He asked me where I was staying and for how long. I invited him to come have lunch with me and he said he’d call me back. I never heard anything else from him. He died six months later. My brother told me that he had been sick with colon cancer. They said it happened pretty quickly. Good thing he didn’t have to suffer like Gramps, huh?” he added sarcastically. “I’ll never understand that shit,” he said raising his voice. “The man that was as mean as mean could be to his own flesh and blood got a quick, semi-painless death, and the man who was filled with love for his family and those who weren’t had to suffer for years?” he asked, looking over at me. I didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing for a while. Didn’t really think he expected an answer for that question anyway.

  “So what’s next, Malachi? You can’t keep living like this. You are jeopa
rdizing lives and all that you’ve worked so hard for. Even your own life! Is it worth it to give up all that you have worked so hard for to have a drink? For a crutch? You are stronger than that, baby. I know you are,” I whispered, rubbing his back.

  “I know it’s not going to be easy, but I’m going to stop. I’m ready and I’m tired. I don’t want to live like this anymore. The last thing I want to do is hurt someone and lose my license to practice medicine, but most importantly, I don’t want to lose you. You’re right. I can’t keep going on like this. I’m killing myself and now that you’re in my life, I’m not ready to die.” I wrapped my arms around him and held him tightly. I didn’t want to let him go. He was like a child needing reassurance and security.

  “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be here with you through hell or high water. I promise. I love you, Malachi, and I’m happy that you love me, too. But I want you to love yourself and live for yourself first.”

  “I love myself, but I love you more. I know I can make it through this with you by my side,” he said matter-of-factly. He kissed my forehead and I squeezed him tighter.

  “I’ll be here. I promise,” I whispered as tears spilled down my cheeks. “I know it may be a long and hard road, but I’m going to help you get through this, Malachi. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.”

  Stacey

  “Damn, Tali, why you wait so long to get a touch up? You gon need a supa, girl.” We all laughed at my feeble attempt to sound like the flamboyant gay guy from the movie A Low Down Dirty Shame.