Clarity 3

by Loretta Lost

  “Why?” Owen asks.

  “That’s all the time I’ll need to wipe myself off the face of the planet,” I inform him with a smile. “Neither of you will ever see me again.”

  “You can’t do that to him,” Owen says. “It would destroy him.”

  “It’s what he wants, isn’t it? He can tell my dad that he broke up with me and get his grant money. And I’ll get my freedom. It’s a happy ending.”

  “Winter, he’s never loved anyone the way he loves you. It’s not fake. It might have started out being fake, but it became real. Will you please relax for a minute and talk to him?”

  “No. Just give me twenty-four hours, Owen. You owe me this after helping him lie to me the whole time. I’m just asking for a bit of time.”

  “Fine,” Owen says softly. He lets his eyes drift down to the ground, looking a bit defeated. “I’m sorry.”

  I turn away to exit the hospital, but I am hit with another wave of distorted vision. I shut my eyes tightly and hesitate, turning back to the doctor on the floor. “Wait, Owen? Tell me something—did any of the people you performed these surgeries on lose their vision?”

  “Huh?” he looks up at me with concern. “Yes. A very small percentage of people experienced a complete reversal after a few months. Their bodies rejected the drug. Why do you ask?”

  “I just...” I pull my lips together into a tight line. “I am beginning to... never mind. No reason.”

  “If there are any issues with your eyesight, you need to tell us now. Winter, this is serious. If you’ve started having problems, you can experience a very rapid deterioration of your vision. You shouldn’t get behind the wheel of a car until we can get you checked out. Let us help...”

  “Fuck you,” I tell him, turning to walk away. “I would rather die than accept help from either of you again.”

  With that, I begin moving through the hospital again, intending to get back to my car. I am too fired up to wait for the elevator, so I move into the stairwell and race down the stairs. However, instead of going directly to the garage, I find myself bursting out of the building for fresh air. I breathe deeply, letting my chest heave and expand. I felt like the hospital was suffocating me with its ugly atmosphere of sickness and death. I stare up at the cloudy sky, noticing that it does not seem as bright as it did only a few days ago.

  Am I losing both my vision and my boyfriend at the same time?

  I move to lean against a wall as I stare up at the sky with my defective eyes. I remember how nice it was to watch the sunrise with Liam for the first time. Did he ever really love me? Or did I just seem like a good long-term plan due to my likely inheritance? How far was he going to take this ploy? I remember him agreeing to teach me to drive on the condition that I talk to my dad. Was I always just a pawn on their chessboard? I have tried to be my own person; I have tried to escape, but I still ended up being merely a plaything for the men in my life.

  I feel so dead inside. I am angry at Liam, and furious at my father, but I can’t seem to feel any of these emotions. Even my vision is seeping away quietly, without any pain. There is just the loss and lack of something wonderful that used to be there. I feel like my world is growing dark again to mirror my fading hope and blackening soul. I just want to feel something.

  I notice an older doctor a few feet away, smoking a cigarette. He is looking out at the street with blank eyes. He looks as miserable and empty as I feel. I have an urge to move over to him.

  “Hey,” I tell him quietly. “Could I have a cigarette?”

  “Sure,” he says, handing me one from his pack. “Need a light?”

  “Yes, please.”

  He stares at me for a moment as I hold the cigarette out, close to his lighter. “You haven’t done this before, have you? You need to put it between your lips and suck while I hold the flame up to the end of the cigarette.”

  “Oh,” I say dumbly. “That makes sense.” I follow his instructions and allow him to help me light the cigarette. When I finally draw in the tainted air, I expect that it will burn my lungs in some delicious way. Instead, it is just mildly unpleasant. “That’s not so special.”

  “Yeah,” he agrees, taking a pull from his own cigarette. “Nothing really is.”

  I try to inhale more deeply, rebelliously sucking the toxins into my body. I like the idea that it’s harming me. I’m already losing my ability to see, so what does it matter if I do more damage to my body? I glance at the older man, carefully studying his expressionless face.

  “Isn’t it a bit strange for a doctor to be smoking?” I ask him.

  He shrugs nonchalantly. “I lost three patients this week. They were all non-smokers. I’ll smoke if I feel like it.” He turns to give me an appraising look. “What’s your problem?”

  “I just found out that someone has been lying to me for my money,” I explain as I drag more air through the cigarette.

  “You have money?” he says with interest, raising his brow. “I can lie to you next, if you want. Or lie with you.”

  I shift uncomfortably as the sleazy doctor lets his eyes roam over my body.

  “I bet he enjoyed lying to you,” the doctor says as he moves closer. “I’d lie all over you for money. Or for free.”

  I wince in revulsion and take a step back. The doctor breathes on my face, and his breath smells sickening; like rotting flesh. I grit my teeth together angrily. For a moment, I consider sleeping with this random jerk just to be wild and reckless. To try to wipe Liam from my brain. I consider taking him home to Liam’s apartment and I get a rush of pleasure as I imagine sleeping with him in Liam’s bed. But the thought makes me even more disgusted.

  I just decided that I don’t like doctors very much.

  “No, thanks,” I tell him, dropping the cigarette to the ground and putting it out with my shoe. I turn around and head back to the garage to get in my car and get the fuck out of here. I am so done with this city.

  It’s time to disappear.

  “It’s just me and you now, Snowball,” I tell her as she sits in my passenger seat whimpering softly. She can tell that something is wrong. “We don’t need him anymore. We’re going to be fine. You’re going to get a lot more room to run around and play, and you can even chase the squirrels and birds. That will be fun, won’t it?”

  I was going to leave her behind because I didn’t want to take any reminders of Liam along with me, but she looked up at me with such big sad eyes while I packed my suitcase. When I said goodbye and left the apartment, she cried and scratched the door as it closed behind me. I had almost left the building before I realized I couldn’t stand the pain of leaving her behind.

  I shouldn’t have to lose everything good in my life just because Liam is a prick.

  “Turn right in two miles.”

  It’s hard to focus on the voice of my GPS when there is so much chaos in my head. I am feeling really emotionally numb, but my mind is racing. I can’t stop thinking about the fact that I never got to say goodbye to Krista. I was so upset and in such a rush to leave the hospital that I didn’t even think of stopping by the café one last time. I can still text her later once I’m settled, but it would have been nice to see her one last time and say a formal farewell. Maybe even give her a hug. There’s no time to do that anymore, but there is one thing that I feel I must do before leaving this time.

  I want to apologize to my sister.

  When she told me that she accepted Grayson, even with all his issues, I refused to understand. I didn’t even try. I acted superior, high and mighty, like I knew everything about everything. I can still hear her words echoing in my brain: “Believe it or not, I’ve had worse boyfriends. Yes, I’m sad and pathetic. But Grayson is the best guy I’ve ever met. He’s the best guy I’ve ever been with, even with his flaws. And I’m marrying him!”

  Carmen is older than me and she has had a lot more experience with men than I have. I should have deferred to her wisdom. Maybe marrying a rapist is slightly less terrible than marrying a
liar. At least she knows who he is. After discovering Liam’s duplicity, everything Grayson did no longer seems so odious. It’s not like I know any better than Carmen.

  Maybe everyone is a monster to some degree. Maybe all we can manage to do is find a partner with lesser degree of evil, or a type of evil that we can tolerate. I didn’t know this. I saw the world entirely in black and white. I have never really lived; I have only lived in stories.

  The thing about fairytales is that they always end before the real story begins. I have now lived long enough to watch my knight in shining armor become the villain, and it’s left me wishing I’d never lived the fairytale at all.

  At any rate, I should not have abandoned my sister the way I did. If she loves Grayson and accepts his flaws, there is a certain beauty in that. I understand it now. It’s her life and she deserves to make her own choices. She deserves a chance at her mild sort of happiness. Maybe it’s enough. She chose to settle for a less-than-perfect life to avoid being alone forever. That seems like a very mature decision to me. I could never do such a thing; I am too prideful. I would rather be alone than lied to or disrespected—but not everyone can live their life completely alone like I can. That is why I have set my GPS for my dad’s so that I can see my sister for the first time. And for the last time.

  “In 300 feet, bear left. Then continue straight for 5 miles.”

  I follow the instructions, squinting to better see the road. I glance up with worry, observing the ominous storm clouds. I really hope it doesn’t get any darker out or begin to rain. My vision is too poor to drive in bad lighting. My phone rings, and I see that it is my realtor returning my call from earlier. I press the button on my steering wheel to answer.

  “Did you find a place for me?” I ask her.

  “I think I have two properties that might suit your needs,” she responds. “Both are fully furnished and available immediately. They’re in very remote and scenic areas within five hours from New York City. We can do a small one-bedroom cabin in the mountains in Pennsylvania for $75K. It’s only three hours away. Or we could go a little nicer and get a two-bedroom cottage in West Virginia for $100K. That one is a little farther away, but it’s close to a lovely small town with a library and...”

  “Pennsylvania,” I tell her. I am worried that my eyes won’t be able to handle a longer drive. “Go ahead and do the paperwork to get it for me. I can transfer you the money in full. Text me the address, and I will start driving there now. I want to move in by tonight.”

  “Sure, Miss Rose. I’ll do that right away. What about your old place in New Hampshire?”

  “Sell it,” I tell her. “Take your time. I don’t need it anymore.”

  “Great!” she says. “I’ll text you soon.”

  I hang up the phone and keep driving. I need to move fast, because I realize that Owen probably won’t be able to keep silent for the full twenty-four hours. Even if he can hold out for the rest of the day, once Liam goes home and finds me missing, I am sure that he will begin calling me in order to figure out where I am. I am also sure that he will call Owen, and that Owen will cave and tell him everything. He loves Liam too much, and the moment he sees his friend getting upset, he will do anything to help him. Owen really is a softie.

  I need to hit the brakes as I encounter a red light. If Liam walked over to me now, as I’m sitting at this intersection, and apologized, I’d probably cave too. I would take him back in an instant. Even though he’s a slimy son of a bitch, I still love him. Being angry doesn’t automatically wipe away all my good memories and how I feel about him. That’s why I need to get away. I don’t trust myself to be near him ever again. The light turns green and I keep moving forward.

  “In one mile, you have reached your destination.”

  When I pull up to the driveway of my childhood home, I am a little stunned by the size of the mansion. I always knew that it was an impressive house, but seeing it for the first time is a little overwhelming. I peer through my windshield in awe, with my mouth slightly agape.

  “Wow,” I whisper to myself. “I can see why someone would pretend to like me if it meant getting a piece of that.” I immediately wrinkle my nose at how awful this sounds as I park the car near the fountain in our front yard. I lean over and ruffle Snowball’s hair gently. “I’ll be back in just a minute,” I tell her. “You won’t even notice that I’m gone.”

  She yips at me with encouragement.

  I exit the vehicle and take a deep breath before marching up to the intimidating house. When I am standing before the giant stained glass double doors, I ring the doorbell. I am not sure what I’ll say if I encounter Grayson or my father, but I don’t really care anymore. I just want to see my sister. I am feeling crazy and invulnerable. I also have Grayson’s gun tucked away in my purse, and the knowledge of judo beneath my belt.

  I frown when I remember the intimacy of our judo lessons. Why would Liam have gone to such lengths to do so much for me? Every beautiful moment is now so unbearably painful to think about. It was all fake. Every touch, every kiss, every word. It was all just an act. I try to push it from my mind so I can get through this day. Once I’m safely in my new home, hundreds of miles away, I can deal with this in the security of nature. I can think about this far too much and overanalyze how stupid I’ve been. I can cry for hours or days, and drink myself silly.

  How many years will it take to get over this? When a figure comes to the door, I observe their shadow through the foggy stained glass. When the door cracks open, I see a plain-looking man standing there. A young man with a cleanly shaven face.

  “Helen,” he whispers in awe. “You came home.”

  “Grayson?” I ask in disbelief. I recognize his voice well, but I find myself staring at his face, body, and clothes in amazement. He has shiny, jet black hair that is combed off to one side. He has kind eyes and freshly-ironed clothes. “You look—you look like a normal person.”

  “What do you mean?” he asks.

  I shrug and scowl. “In my head, I always imagined you’d look different. Tentacles, sharp teeth, blood dripping down your face. Giant warts, claws, and bulging hairy eyeballs. Like some kind of hideous, grotesque beast.”

  “Sorry to disappoint you,” he responds softly.

  We stand there staring at each other for a moment before I clear my throat. “I’m here to see my sister.”

  “She’s at a doctor’s appointment with Dad,” Grayson tells me.

  It makes me a little uncomfortable to hear him calling my father Dad. At the same time, I’m so angry with my father that I really don’t care what anyone calls him. “When will they be back?” I ask him.

  “It might be a while. They only just left, and you know how Carmen likes to go shopping for hours on the way home from everything. It’s worse now that she needs new maternity clothes.”

  “Oh,” I say in disappointment. “I guess... I’ll just... go.”

  “Wait, please.” There is a desperate look on his face. “Didn’t you get any of my letters, Helen? I started writing them as soon as I could move my arm again.”

  “Look, Grayson. I’m not in the mood to do this right now.”

  “Please,” he says gently. “I’m not the same person I was before. I’ve changed. I would never hurt you, your sister, or anyone. I’ve confessed my sins, and I’ve found God. I’m trying my best to repent every day. I just need to know if you can forgive me.” He looks at me with the same big sad eyes that Snowball had earlier. “Please, Helen?”

  I stand on the doorstep of my childhood home, staring at this pathetic excuse for a man who has caused such a huge impact in my life. I spent so many years being afraid of everything because of him. I spent so many nights replaying his act of violence over and over in my mind, and keeping these horrors alive. I perpetuated my own pain and multiplied his cruelty exponentially.

  But now, I can see clearly for the first time; it doesn’t even matter anymore.

  Grayson is not worth it. He’s not worth my suffer
ing. He’s plain and forgettable. He’s just a mindless brute that isn’t even that brutish anymore. Now that he’s a bit older and doesn’t play college football, he has lost a lot of the fearsome bulk he once used against me. He’s not even that intimidating to look at—Liam has a lot more muscle. Grayson has even begun to grow a bit of a potbelly. But even if he were still a hulking giant, what would it matter? Even if he tried to hit me or force himself on me in this moment, why would I care?

  The worst pain isn’t caused by some random stranger. The worst pain isn’t physical.

  When the person you love most in the world rips your heart out, the bruises from a brutal attack seem petty and insignificant. For a moment, I even wish that Grayson would hurt me again so that I could feel something. Would it hurt? If he forced me down and raped me, would I even be able to care? I want to use him as an instrument of self-harm like I used that cigarette earlier. I am tempted to taunt him and egg him on until he snaps and repeats his normal depraved behavior. I want to feel his hands around my neck again.

  These thoughts are deeply disturbing to me. Besides, if he actually is getting better from some sort of illness, it would be downright despicable of me to dig up his issues. It would be like giving a recovering addict who has been clean for some time one more hit of crystal meth or crack cocaine. (Both of which I would probably be eager to try right now, given my current state of mind.) If he weren’t married to my sister, and if she wouldn’t be the one to suffer, I wouldn’t care. I would love nothing more than to be the tornado that takes Grayson down. I would love to watch him spiral out of control and crash and burn. I would love to take out all of my anger at Liam on him.

  “Helen?” he says again. “Please. Do you ever think you can forgive me?”

  That question always seemed so ridiculous to me. How could I ever forgive him? But now, I feel a bit different.

  There is no such thing as forgiveness. There is only someone hurting you more, so that you care about the initial hurt a lot less. It fades into the background, dominating your life less, and thereby creating the illusion of forgiveness.