They Told Me I Had to Write This

by Kim Miller

  Sometimes it’s as if he knows what I mean even before I say it. And even when he’s ahead of me he doesn’t shut me down. My old teachers never let me finish, but this place is different and the Rev is OK.

  This week I was telling him about some of the trouble I had in primary school with getting sent home all the time for losing it and going fully sick at that teacher when he said things about me in front of the other kids.

  Trouble is, talking with the Rev can get me upset and I feel such a loser. Like I was back then. Even writing about it sets me off.

  I hate it when this happens.

  Clem.

  FRIDAY, APRIL 8

  Dear Gram

  ‘Do you remember where we finished last time?’ That’s how the Rev starts off in session. Do I ever? One sentence from him and my heart starts racing. But this time I’m going to stick it out.

  Well, I will try to tell you the rest of our session coz it got so I was about ready to start crying before and that was pretty terrible coz it made me feel like some emo loser. At least the Rev didn’t say what it looked like from his point of view and it got so I could tell him about how Dad never listened to me about that teacher back in primary school.

  Why didn’t Dad listen to me back then? That’s what I want to know. Even to talk about it here makes me want to get Dad’s neck in one hand and a blunt instrument in the other. Just like back then. But you can’t do that when you are only ten years old.

  The Rev must have been shocked when I told him how I used to feel back then.

  Well I don’t mind giving the Rev a bit of a shocker coz it was me that lived through it all and I was only a kid and it’s no wonder the teachers had to send me home so much and not even Dad would believe me when I told him about that teacher doing that weird stuff. Anyway, he should be in jail for doing that to a little kid. Why don’t they put guys like that in jail, Gram?

  I’m going to stop, even if the Rev does think all this writing stuff is so important.

  Love from

  Clem.

  TUESDAY, APRIL 7

  THIS IS THE HARD BIT

  Dear Gram

  The Rev has a real name. It’s Mr Paterson. That is Latin for being his father’s son. Well who else’s son could he be? You can’t be someone else’s son except your own father’s can you? And your mother’s of course, but that doesn’t apply here.

  Why did she die, Gram? I couldn’t tell the Rev what happened coz I don’t know. When we were talking this week I just started telling him but there was nothing much to tell, just that I never knew her coz she died when I was being born in the first place.

  The Rev said, ‘Have you ever asked other family members about her?’

  I said, ‘There aren’t many other family members, just Dad and Gram.’

  And that made me think it must have been tough on you for all this time with me around. But you always wanted me to be at your place and Dad seemed never to want me much at all.

  Well, that’s the way it seemed to me this week when I was talking with the Rev. He sure gets under your skin.

  Anyway, it makes me feel bad but I’m not going to let it stop me writing to you this time.

  Instead I’ll tell you about Jason and Pete. Jason is another kid from school and Pete is the super-fast texter. Well, they are cousins and grew up living with their grandma, just like you and me when Dad was away. Wish I had a cousin who could have lived at your place. Brilliant. Like having a brother.

  Jason and Pete are not the same age but they are in the same class coz one of them repeated when he was little, just like I did. I don’t know which one, but wouldn’t it be funny if it was Pete who repeated?

  So, there you go, something funny even when I was feeling so poisonous about that stuff in primary school.

  Holidays coming up. Mr Hartley is doing bike stuff for anyone who wants to. I’m aiming to get some gully practice.

  Till then,

  Clem.

  SATURDAY, APRIL 25

  STOKIN’

  Dear Gram

  I’ve been out on the bike track for most of the holidays. Lots of the kids from school have been the same. Mr Hartley takes us into the mountains or we do track training. In this school even the teachers go mountain bike racing with us.

  I’ve got the gully sorted I reckon. I can go up pretty easily. Don’t get scared by it any more, but I’m a bit nervous about coming down. That is seriously megatastic. Jason and Pete think it’s fully sick. Uphill is easier for me coz I’m skinny but some of the other boys are seriously unskinny. They need to get out on the bikes more.

  My own bike is better than the school bikes but it’s still only a hardtail. I’ve asked Dad to get me one with proper shockers. That would be totally wicked. Mostly he puts me off but I think the school is starting to get through to him a bit and he’s not so off when I ask him about it these days.

  Having full shockers on that gully would get me wired and no one could catch me I reckon. Perhaps the Rev and Mr Sykes. They are the most out there of the teachers in the bush. I reckon we should swap bikes. That would be serious traffic.

  Your stokin’ grandson.

  Clem.

  WEDNESDAY, APRIL 29

  Dear Gram

  Back to school, which really means back to classes coz I’ve been here so much through the holidays.

  Did I tell you that we get to do our School Certificate here? Well we do, even though it’s not like my old school. They didn’t tell us that when we started. They didn’t tell us much of anything, they just moved us here. Thought it was only me but we all started the same.

  Finish here well enough and it’s back to normal school with the School Certificate. If they saw my reports from the other schools they wouldn’t say that.

  I reckon you’d like the idea of me getting my School Certificate. You were always telling me how important it was to get things like that, I can remember you saying lots of things like that before you . . .

  Now I’m starting to cry even. I hate all this. All I want to do is to be normal with a dad and a mum and a gram.

  You said lots of things about me getting on in school before you got so sick.

  Before you died.

  Now I’ve done it. I’ve said it.

  The Rev wondered if I could get to here and keep writing. Well I showed him up on that one, the old Rev, coz I’m still going full on.

  Gram, did you really get sick because of me? Dad reckons you did. Well that’s what he said one time, and pretty loud that night. But he was angry at me and had a lot of beer in him. Anyway, he reckons it was me that made you sick coz I was such a worry to you.

  Was it, Gram?

  This is a pass or fail question here. Was it me?

  Clem.

  THURSDAY, APRIL 12

  A QUESTION THAT WON’T GO AWAY

  Dear Gram

  I don’t know how life and death and everything works but I hope you can read this. When I was writing last time I didn’t mean that I thought what Dad was saying was right or anything. But is it? Can one person make somebody else sick like that?

  And what about my mum?

  I mean, how could I have made anyone sick when I was just being born? That’s what I want to know. Not even the Rev would know that I reckon. Not Mr Sykes or Jason or Pete or anybody. But you might know.

  I’ve got to know this, Gram. Dad reckons it was me that made Mum die and it was me that made you get sick and die. How can he know that? Forever he’s been telling me that I made Mum die, forever, even before I was at school he’s reckoned that it was me. What if it’s true?

  What about that day in the bike shop when he almost bought my bike? That mate from school came in with his mum and they started looking at bikes and Dad said, ‘Let’s get out of here.’ It was weeks before we went back for my bike. That boy being in the bike shop with his mum was not my fault.

  Do you reckon I should tell him that I’ve been writing to you? He might get really mad at me again and it’s been a
ges since that happened.

  I reckon the Rev should have to say what he thinks on this. He doesn’t say much about what he thinks. Just waits for me to say stuff. He’s never said that it was my fault about Mum and you. Never. I wish Dad was like that.

  Wish you were here,

  Clem.

  FRIDAY, MAY 1

  THE QUESTION AND DAD

  Dear Gram

  I thought about asking Dad why he reckons it was my fault. I’ve thought about it lots of times but when I’m with him I get too scared to ask. I guess I’m still chicken-hearted on these things. I don’t want to be, I just am.

  Anyway, he’s got too much on his mind to ask about serious stuff at the moment. There’s this new girlfriend. Her name’s Lyndal. Too much like Mum’s name for me.

  So there’s this new girlfriend. Except she’s not a girl she’s a woman. There’s a difference. Anyway, they never last. They end up leaving or he drops them, or they fight until there’s nothing left to hang on to and they fall apart like leaves from a tree, kind of shriveled.

  I don’t know if I want this one to last any longer. I used to think I wanted a mum so bad that Dad should just find someone for me, but his girlfriends aren’t mum material. I can see that now but when I was little I never saw it. Just as well I had you all those years when Dad kept going away.

  I’d like to have a girlfriend. Pete has a girlfriend. Some of the boys talk about girls but I reckon they make most of it up. With Pete it’s different. He doesn’t puff up about it like the others, keeps quiet mostly, so I guess I believe him.

  Lyndal works where Dad works. What if they see each other at work and then after work and he brings her home? Then they might get sick of each other. I reckon you could get sick of the same person all the time and having to be nice to them all day.

  What was it like for you and Granddad?

  Clem.

  WEDNESDAY, MAY 6

  THE REV SHAKES ME UP

  Dear Gram

  I saw the Rev in town. He was in the Shaker. Remember the Shaker? There was his wife up front and three kids in the back seat. They were younger than me and I suppose that’s his family. It was like the Rev and all the little revs, the revlets. Ha ha. They were all laughing at something and he didn’t see me coz I was just coming out of a shop when they drove past. It was the first time I ever saw anyone in the car with him.

  The Rev and I had our session yesterday. I told him I saw him with those people in the car and he didn’t even tell me who they were. I was like – I saw you in town with the car full yesterday.

  And he was like – Yeah, I was there all right.

  And I was like – Were they your kids?

  And he said – My family, you mean?

  Yeah, your family.

  He asked me – How did it appear to you, me with all those people?

  I told him it looked like your wife and your kids.

  He said – Tell me what you were thinking when you saw us all drive past.

  And that’s when I lost it.

  How does he do that? I hate this stuff. I hate the crying and being lonely and I hate myself for what I did to you and to Mum. And I hate Dad for not believing me about that teacher. And I hate this school. I hate wanting to stop writing to you and I’m going to keep on writing even when I hate everything so much.

  I don’t always lose it but sometimes he makes me so angry that I explode right there in his office. That bloke gets under my skin and I never know when it’s coming.

  After I cooled down the Rev asked me again what I was thinking when I saw them in the car and I told him that it made me feel lonely. And that’s the truth except for you.

  I told him that I lived with you when Dad was away and he’d come back and I’d have to go to his house and he would yell at me and I learned to wait until he was going away again so I could move back in with you.

  Until you got so sick. Since then Dad’s had to put up with me on his own. Now I’m at this school he doesn’t have to see me some nights coz of the live-ins and the camps so I guess we’re getting on better because of that.

  I managed to tell the Rev all that without losing it again. I feel OK about being able to do that. Mostly I can’t get that far before I choke up again so I must be learning something.

  I hope I don’t see the Rev with his kids again for a long while.

  Maybe I need to keep out of town and spend more time on the bike in the hills. I’m sure stokin’ it at the moment on that track, makes me feel so fully righteous out there.

  Your Favorite Grandson,

  Clem.

  WEDNESDAY, MAY 15

  THE GULLY GETS UNDER MY SKIN

  Dear Gram

  I’ve been out riding the bike so I don’t have to be in town as much. Seeing the Rev with those kids really set me off. ’Cept he never told me who they were. What if it was his sister with her kids, or neighbours or somebody? I never thought about that. I just went over the top in session coz of what was inside me. He must have thought I was a complete jerk. Well, he must have thought something when he saw me lose it.

  Anyway, that’s some of the stuff I’ve been thinking about while I’ve been out riding. That’s the good thing about knowing the track so well, I can think about stuff while I still keep my eye on the track. Course I can’t do it when I’m coming down the gully. And that’s another thing I’ve learned.

  I was riding down the gully and my mind went somewhere else and I spilled big time. I’ve got all this gravel rash down my side, legs, elbow, shoulder. The other guys love it when somebody spills and so I was up and running for the bike before anyone could pass on the news. The bike must have gone twenty metres down the hill before it stopped and I am full-on glad I didn’t.

  Till my gravel rash heals up I’m sticking to the smoother tracks and fire trails through the national park. We’re allowed in there on mountain bikes but no motorbikes or anything, and especially no four-wheel-drives. I think that’s OK, but the fourby people probably think it sucks. Anyway, it would be good to have a fourby to take our gear out on camps.

  We had group this week with Mr O’Neill. We can call him Mike when we are out on camp, but we have to call him Mr O’Neill when we are in school, even at lunch and times like that. He does most of the small group sessions. I’m in a group with Hamish and Pete and Jacko and Brian. Sometimes we call him Brian the Brain coz he’s got all the answers, but not all the right ones. Ha ha. Just that he thinks they’re the right ones. This is the kind of kid that if he ever has a bright idea the lights in the room will dim coz of the amount of power it will require. We watch what we say to him coz he can be fully deadly, like when I reckoned his ears were only painted on. I sure learned from that one.

  Anyway, Mr O’Neill was talking to us about three different ways of living in our own little world. There are people who are visuals, who mostly see the world through their eyes, and there are auditory people who hear their world through their ears, and there are kinner-somethings who feel the stuff in their world and I will remember that word properly someday you can count on that. And the visual people say things like, ‘I see what you are getting at,’ and the auditory people say things like, ‘I hear what you are saying,’ and the kinner-somethings say, ‘I get a feel for what is happening here.’

  So we’re trying to check out what stuff we mostly say in group coz another boy will understand us better if we use words to suit the other person’s style rather than our own, if you get what I mean.

  Mr O’Neill knows this stuff backwards and he knows what we are and he says he’s known it from the first session. He reckons he can tell what we are by looking at us when we are talking about stuff. How about that? It’s how our eyes move. OK, it’s weird but that’s what he said. And we reckon I am a kinesthetic and I have remembered the word this time.

  Anyway, he looks at Jacko and says, Jacko I can see that you are a visual, and seeing is an important way for you to learn about the world and you probably say things like, ‘Yeah, I
see what you mean.’

  Well, Jacko went right off. He started on about people looking at him all the time and they didn’t have a right and suddenly he was talking about this guy in the Little Nippers in the surf lifesaving. So there he was going on about this coach in Little Nippers and, ‘Look what he did back then, ’ and this coach was taking photos of all the kids without their Speedos on and showing them around the internet and the coppers caught this bloke and even Jacko’s mum saw the photos they had of him coz she was in the court as a witness.

  He was a fully sick peddo that guy I reckon and Jacko was crying in group and everything. That sucks, Gram. Sometimes I cry in private session but not in group, nobody ever does that. That would make everyone think ‘Hardcore Emo!!’ And that guy is now in jail coz he had so many photos of the Little Nippers like that and he did that for years before the coppers got him. And Jacko is now here coz of getting into so much trouble in normal school like I used to.

  The funny thing is that Jacko is always up in front of people so they have to look at him. He’s funny, that’s why we call him Whacko Jacko, and he doesn’t mind that, as long as it’s one of his mates. He can get the teachers stirred up over something that he does and sometimes you can see the teachers trying not to smile when they tell him to cool it.

  Poor Jacko. Always being in front of people with his funny stuff but he hates it when people look at him. All Mr O’Neill did was say that Jacko was a visual. Sure took everyone by surprise, that did.

  Anyway, when he went fully off like that all us others just sat there and we didn’t know how to handle it. And Mr O’Neill waited for Jacko to calm down and said that he could see that Jacko had been carrying some heavy stuff for a long time.

  That’s all he said and nobody else said anything. I reckon Mr O’Neill should have said something more than that to make Jacko feel better. Even when I’m telling you about him I can feel my eyes getting hot, for Jacko that is, but I won’t let that happen coz there’s more I want to say.