by Kim Miller
By now I must have a box full of bus tickets.
Clem the Thinking Clam.
SATURDAY, JUNE 20
INTER-GALACTIC SUPER-SATURDAY
Dear Gram
It’s Saturday night and I am hungry. Man-o-man, am I hungry. I’ve already cooked up three of those chicken things with the butter and garlic inside and I am still hungry.
That’s what love can do to you. Love, sweet love. Her name is Violet.
This morning I decided to wander around the shops coz Dad’s place is pretty boring. Perhaps I’ll see the Rev go past on his Aprilia with a little koala on the back. So I wandered around the plaza and I bought a smoothie. People everywhere in there and noise coming from all over, but all I could see was this one person sitting there in the smoothie bar. Violet. Long hair, soft and shiny. Eyes that I just wanted to look at. Saturday morning and there she was.
She was in my school last year, then I got kicked out. Well, Violet and me started talking about stuff and she was asking how I was going in my new school and I asked her how she was going in the old school and it was very laidback for a while there.
Then she started asking if there were any girls going to my school and I was like, ‘No,’ as if everyone already knew that but she didn’t. So she asked me if I had a girlfriend and I said, ‘No,’ and then she asked me if I wanted to go with her. Just like that. Would I ever!?
And you know what? Clem the Clam appeared out of nowhere and I sat there wanting to say something but my brain went on holiday to Mars and I could feel myself getting red all over.
And you know what? She reached out and grabbed my hand, not just grabbed it but held on to it, and she said, ‘You can just nod if you like.’ Then we started laughing and there was this buzz happening in me. I’ve never felt like anyone ever did that to me before.
My mouth was still running on daylight saving but then out came, ‘You want to go to the movies?’ And she said, ‘Yes,’ and that’s what we did this afternoon.
Just as well holidays on Mars are pretty short but Violet is worth taking an interplanetary trip for.
I could tell you what we saw at the movies except I can’t tell you. Ha ha. Yes I can, it was a little kids movie about a mouse. A new girlfriend and we go to a movie full of little kids and their mums. But there were teenagers all along the back row so we were pretty normal sitting there in the dark.
We held hands and I wondered if I should kiss her and I leaned in a bit and then I wondered if you should wet your lips a bit before you kiss a girl and if my nose was going to get in the way. I was glad all those little kids and their mums were facing the other way. I could feel Mars was coming closer, especially from the other kids sitting alongside me. What if they were watching? Anyway, I was warming up and hoped the movie didn’t end before I got this right.
I don’t know who worked out this kissing thing, but I reckon Violet was waiting for me and she kissed me back like there was no tomorrow. Except there is a tomorrow and we’re meeting up again. Ha ha, and I am stoked.
So here I am thinking of Violet and I cooked up those chicken things from the freezer and I turned on the TV but I couldn’t watch it and so I decided to have a shower and go to bed and think about tomorrow. And about Violet. But before that I am writing this. I sure hope this works out OK. I’ve got to be back at school on Monday.
Somebody is showing Clem some mercy. I love it here.
Clem.
TUESDAY, JUNE 29
MY LIFE AS AN ALIEN
Dear Gram
Well, here it is and it’s Tuesday already. I thought I would get to write on Sunday night but I was floating all over the place and I just chilled out. I feel a bit intergalactic. The Force is with me. Ha ha.
On Sunday Violet and I met again at the smoothiebar. How about that, the onomatopoeic smoooothie bar. It makes me feel like I want to remember all that romantic stuff about the moon. Trouble is, I couldn’t remember a single word of it, not even when Violet and I were in the movies on Saturday.
We didn’t have money for too much and so we got a sub to share and then we just walked down to the park and around the little lake there about a zillion times. Violet is so awesome, she didn’t want to do anything more than to just walk and talk.
Anyway, we met some other people from her school and we all just sat around. Clem the Clam was good to me this time and I got into the mix a bit. Doing groups at school has taught me something and it was like it never was last year. Even these people who I recognised from normal school just sat with us and we talked as if we were all normal. What I mean is, as if I was normal, and nobody said anything about me being chucked out.
So when we’d all gone back for a smoothie and Violet and I shared ours, I came back to Dad’s place and she went home. Dad was home and he cooked tea and it was a bit different to tell him about Violet, and guess what he cooked. Chicken things with garlic butter in the middle. I thought that was so funny and I was laughing and he couldn’t figure that one out. He must have a hundred of those things in the freezer.
So we watched TV for a bit but the inter-galactic thing was happening to me and I just fell into bed and must have gone off to Venus or somewhere coz suddenly it was Monday morning and I was on my way to school. This time Dad drove me which is pretty rare.
He’s OK when he’s onto it, Dad is.
Love from Clem in Love.
SECOND LETTER TONIGHT
Dear Gram
It’s still Tuesday and I forgot to tell you about something really important. We had this English test. Mr German reckoned that we had to have a test sooner or later so let’s just do it now. We were fully shocked but he was excellent about how he did it and we didn’t have to write too much stuff coz some of the guys here don’t write that well.
Mr German said we could set ourselves our own questions and then talk about what we reckoned and he would mark us OK as long as the questions we chose for ourselves weren’t too easy.
Well, in this test I was going to do similes and metaphors, coz I wanted to say something about the weekend and Violet and how she is fully Ultra and the moon painting romance across the bay.
All that romantic stuff about the moon got me going and I was talking about similes and metaphors to the class and you know what? I got it wrong. I had them all the wrong way round. Probably from the beginning. But the worst bit is I sure did make a mess of trying to tell everyone about Violet.
The other guys think it’s fully stand-up comedy when I goose myself but I wouldn’t want to do that, not with Violet liking me like she does.
Do you think that’s OK, Gram? This romance stuff sure isn’t like I thought. How do they do it so easy on TV? Another stupid question from Clem the Clown.
So that was how I got to tell everyone about Violet but it wasn’t all bad coz some of the kids have asked me about her and I’ve been more careful and I just say she is fully nice and we’ve been to the movies and shared a smoothie and that she likes me.
Pete has a girlfriend but he keeps kind of quiet, so that is what I’m going to be like about Violet. Pete is laidback about his girlfriend and at lunch he asked me about Violet, but not too much or anything. I told him about how she held my hand and said, ‘You can just nod if you want to,’ when I couldn’t think of anything to say. And he laughed coz it was funny but he didn’t bag me out.
He asked me what her name was and I said Violet and he said, ‘I know that, dummy, you told us in class. What’s her other name?’
I had this big grin and said, ‘Her other name is Ultra.’
Pete said, ‘Violet Ultra? You got to be kidding, man.’
‘Her full name is The Ultra Violet.’
Pete laughed and punched my shoulder and said, ‘You are the full fruit loop, dude, what’s her surname?’
‘Carter, Violet Carter.’
‘Violet Carter?’ he said. ‘She wants to go with you? That is the best thing, man. My girlfriend goes to school with her and she is very OK.’
; So I asked what his girlfriend’s name was and he said Caitlyn and I said that it was a pretty name, but then up from inside came Linda Clemency and it got me running hot a bit inside.
And Pete said, Are you OK? You look a bit funny.’ And I said I was OK but I had just thought of something. And that made me very careful so I punched him on his shoulder and we fooled around like that for a bit and it stopped the talk of girls’ names straight off.
I reckon that I want to talk about Violet like she will be some kid’s mother one day, you know what I mean? I wouldn’t want someone from the past to suddenly appear and to talk about how once my mum was his girlfriend and to say things about her that I wouldn’t want to hear. That’s what I reckon about Violet.
It’s just as well this is a live-in night for me coz here it is after midnight and I’m getting sad when I wanted to tell you about Violet and she’s not sad at all. Lucky for me I don’t have to make it to the bus tomorrow coz I never would being up this late writing. And this is my second letter in one night. That’s pretty amazing.
I think I’ll go back to where the moon is painting romance across the bay. I’ve got to get that stuff right for when I say it to Violet. Ha ha.
From Clem the Romantic.
FRIDAY, JUNE 26
HOW DO YOU HOLD A GIRLFRIEND?
Dear Gram
I’ve been thinking about Violet, and this is what I want to know. How do you hold a girlfriend? Like, how do I keep her as my girlfriend without making a mess of things, coz that’s so easy for me to do. Especially when it comes to people.
This morning I was getting breakfast and there was this big tub of yoghurt in the fridge. Wild Berry, my favourite. Anyway it had this see-through clip-on lid and I was getting breakfast ready and I got the yoghurt from the fridge and just as I closed the door the yoghurt dropped like mad coz the lid had come off the tub and I was holding it by the lid.
That yoghurt took about a millionth of a second to get to terminal velocity and it hit the floor fast and suddenly there was this wild berry fountain all up the fridge and everywhere.
OK, so you can’t blame gravity when you fall in love. But something’s got to be to blame for some of this.
So, how do you hold a girlfriend? Was it this hard for you way back when, Gram?
Love from Clem.
SATURDAY, JUNE 27
VIOLET IS A LEGEND!
Dear Gram
Violet is so a legend. We met up for another smoothie. This could be habit forming. Ha ha. And then this amazing thing happened. We were just coming out of the plaza when this red motorbike pulled up in the street. Guess who? Yep, the Rev with a passenger, the little koala. Ha ha.
He waved to us after he stopped the bike coz he had to steer it backwards into the gutter to park it and everything. And then he tapped the little boy on the knee a couple of times, which must be the signal to hop off coz that is what the kid did and they took their helmets off and the Rev said, ‘G’ day Clem’ to me. And the little boy turned out to be a little girl, about eight or nine and wearing boots and Levis and a little leather jacket and everything.
And there we were, Violet and me together and I was like, what do I do now?
And the Rev was very laidback and he said, ‘Hello Clem, this is my daughter Emily. Emily, this is Clem who is a friend of mine.’
So I said, ‘G’ day, Emily,’ to Emily and then I just stood there wondering what to do next and the Rev said, Aren’t you going to introduce us?’ And suddenly I remembered Violet and I said, ‘This . . .’ and that was as far as I could go because my voice did this squeaky thing like it hasn’t done to me since year seven and I sounded like somebody in the mouse movie. It took a couple of goes for me and I finally said, ‘This is Violet,’ and, ‘This is Mr Paterson, but we all call him the Rev.’
Violet said, ‘Hi Mr Paterson, hi Emily.’ She was so the best about it and I was full-on proud, squeak included, but I could have done without the squeak in that situation and that’s the truth.
And then Emily said, ‘Daddy and me are going to the Mouse Movie,’ and she looked up at the Rev and then said, ‘Daddy and I are.’
Emily had this big grin and Violet said, ‘We saw that last week,’ and the Rev looked at me and he grinned and he said, ‘Was it fun for you?’ And you know what I did then? I went off to Mars again and got all red and couldn’t say anything coz I was remembering Violet and me in the movie and kissing and everything.
Violet said it was a great movie and she hoped Emily had a nice time and off they went with their helmets swinging in their hands and I had to shut my eyes for a bit and Violet was genius with that and she suddenly put her arms around me and hugged me full-on and then she kissed me right there in the street. Incredimacious I can tell you.
I looked at the Rev’s Aprilia and it had the pillion seat on now and you know what Gram? The seat is always there and the cover just clips over it and it looks a bit like a racing bike when the cover is on there, almost as if it can make a faster getaway when the passenger seat is covered up.
Violet thought the bike was pretty smart but not really her thing she said coz she’s a girl and I said that Emily was a girl and she looked fully cute with the helmet and the jacket. So Violet said, ‘Yeah she did, didn’t she?’
I asked her if she knew what her name meant and she said it means Violet like the colour and the flower and I said I reckoned her name was pretty Ultra and so was she. She laughed at that coz it was a compliment and I was being nice as well as a bit funny. And I told her that my name means mercy and she didn’t like, laugh at it meaning mercy, but she laughed and said, ‘No kidding?’
I told her that I was thinking of getting a mountain bike shirt that says, ‘Show No Mercy!’ and we both laughed. Violet knows that I want to be OK instead of merciless.
Except on the bike track, that is. When I am out there and I am in the zone I am out to win over everybody, no matter what. And also Dad except when he’s going off at me. And to some of the teachers at my old school, well most of them actually. And especially one of them.
And then it was time I started thinking of something different and so I just left it. Just like that I stopped thinking about it. I didn’t know I could do that. I think that was because Violet makes me think differently.
And then something really strange happened. I got this buzz inside and said, ‘Let’s go and do something that I’m thinking of.’ And she said, ‘What is it?’ And I said, A surprise.’ And we went back into the plaza to this store that sells chains with beads and little feathers and I spent my movie money on a bracelet with little glass beads in all different purpley colours. She said it was really sweet and when she said ‘sweet’ I got this buzz inside all over again as well as going off to Mars and getting red but I could still talk this time and I said I was glad she liked it and I called it the Ultra Violet Bracelet coz of the purple.
Gram, that is the smartest thing I said all day and it was the best Saturday. I can’t remember much because I keep thinking of the bracelet and how Violet said she liked it.
Got home and Dad was already there and so we cooked some tea together. Mostly he makes such a mess. I guess having to do that stuff at school camps has taught me something. Another triumph for Mrs H.
So that was my Saturday, Gram. I told Violet I would call her when my week slowed up coz I had bike racing on Sunday and then live-in for the two-day group camp.
We did the washing up together this time instead of me doing it all. Dad’s OK sometimes.
Ultra Clem signing out.
SUNDAY, JUNE 28
THE BIKE IS NOT MY FRIEND
Dear Gram
The race day was not good. I spilled coming down the gully and lost the final. Well, came in third and I was in front until then. The worst thing is that this really dangerous kid named Nick won the final. Nick is like Kryptonite and radioactive and if he is around I know things are not going to turn out good.
I even put on speed down the gully because of him,
but there’s this tree root asleep across the track. Nick was behind me but still on my mind and the bike didn’t hop over the tree root like it normally does. So I went skittering down among the rocks.
‘You’re not my friend,’ I said to the bike.
Well that didn’t get me very far. And there was no help coming from the tree root. Or the gully. It’s just me against everything. Me against the track. Me against Nick and all the others. Even me against my own bike. When you’re on your own, you’re on your own.
Who put this stupid world together anyway? I could have won that race easy.
Clem.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 1
RAP-RUNNING
Dear Gram
Two-day group camp is over. Just the five of us with Mr Sykes. What a blast. It’s called the Ridgy Didge camp coz we went abseiling off the Ridgy Didge which is the biggest cliff around here. Group camp means no ferals like Bundy or Nick who can set me off, and not only me but everybody. Brian can be a feral sometimes, but at least he’s our own feral, ha ha. And I sure got him with that dog food tin. That was fun-city that was. Brian’s not all bad, but. It’s just that he works so hard at showing his worst side. Trouble is, his worst side is bigger than any other side of him, ha ha. I’m on a roll here.
Anyway, back to the camp. It’s Hamish and Pete and Jacko and me and Brian. We started the walk-in even before the sun was up and still Mrs H had us up getting a proper breakfast. Mrs H is like nobody else I tell you, doesn’t she ever sleep? We got up to the Ridgy Didge about lunch time and set up camp. Then we abseiled for the rest of the afternoon.
The Ridgy Didge is all tree roots and saplings at the top and is running wet from a continual soak. You can see nearly forever from the rocks up behind the cliff top, but we are there for the long look down, and for the ropes. It’s the hottest abseil site we’ve been to and everybody was a bit nervous that first afternoon. It sure had us steamed up looking down through those saplings. It takes a full seventy-five metre rope to get down, so we started out careful and took things slow and steady.