They Told Me I Had to Write This

by Kim Miller

  Dear Gram

  This is the second letter today. We’ve got camp this week, which I like. I’m a bit scared about what to say to Dad after telling Nick the truth at last. Campfire makes things easier to say on camp but I don’t know how to say serious stuff to Dad.

  This letter is to write something about Violet so you know why she is so fantastic for me. She has my photo on her mobile. And me too, of course with her photo. But it sure feels good that she wants me on her mobile.

  Violet has a friend named Zoe and they text each other all the time and sometimes I say, ‘Show me,’ and Violet giggles and says, ‘No I can’t show you.’ And you know what? Sometimes she goes a bit red. I like it when she goes a bit red. Her eyes shine a bit differently and it makes her look even prettier.

  I have this idea about them – Violet texts Zoe with, ‘I thnk yr bf is a qt esp wn he :),’ and Zoe texts back to Violet with ‘I thnk yr bf is a qt esp wn he says ur Ultra.’

  Well the thing with this is that Zoe is a name that means LIFE and I have put that in capitals. I have a girlfriend who is friends with LIFE and that is so excellent because I didn’t think LIFE could ever be my friend. Things are changing for me.

  H&K LUL — Which is full-on true.

  OXO

  Clem.

  TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 1

  GETTING TRIGONOMETRY

  Dear Gram

  This is a letter about trigonometry which you know I am not much good at.

  The thing about trigonometry is that it only works when there is one angle in that triangle which is straight up. That right angle controls the two other angles which are always sharp and dangerous if you get what I mean.

  I have found that when there are two people and they are sharp and dangerous on each other and there is another person who is straight up in himself then those three can work it out. But the person who is straight up is the one who should control the other two.

  And that is what Mr O’Neill did with Nick and me. Very sharp of him. But it sure put industrial level danger on me at the time.

  Triple love from Clem.

  WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 2

  THE DAY OF THE DOORBELL

  Dear Gram

  This is a weird campfire story from camp. Mike, who is Mr O’Neill, told this story about a guy and his wife sitting at home when the doorbell rang. At the door was a stranger with something in his hand.

  The stranger said, ‘I am leaving this with you for one week. If you press the button you will get one million dollars and someone you don’t know will die.’ Then he was gone. Those people were full-on freaked out by that bloke. And there on the table was a doorbell button, just like at their front door.

  They looked at it and thought about that million dollars. And they started talking about how people died from being sick or accidents or getting old and they asked each other, ‘What if it is someone who is going to die anyway?’

  They didn’t know what to do.

  So the doorbell button sat there all week and soon the stranger would be back. Eventually they couldn’t take it any more so they jumped in together and pressed the button and at that very moment their doorbell rang. There stood the stranger with a briefcase. He counted out one million dollars.

  ‘Does this mean that someone died?’ they asked.

  ‘It was someone you didn’t know,’ said the stranger as he picked up the doorbell.

  ‘What are you going to do now?’ they said as he walked out the door.

  ‘Oh, don’t worry. I’ll be sure to give this to someone who doesn’t know you.’

  Suddenly it was a Values for Life class, which was very tricky of Mike to do at the campfire. We were very quiet and just looked into the fire.

  Brian almost whispered, ‘That is what happened to Hamish.’

  I tell you Gram you could have heard the birds snoring in the trees when he said that.

  Someone said, ‘But Bundy and Hamish knew each other so that doesn’t count.’

  Then Mike said to Brian, ‘You can see it, Brian, can’t you?’

  And Brian was real quiet and said, ‘Yes, I can see it.’

  But the rest of us couldn’t see it, whatever it was. And to top it off there was Mike telling us all that Brian had got it right for once and we didn’t even know what the question was. I don’t like it when it turns out like that.

  I spent the night dreaming about a doorbell sitting on a table the day I was born. And wondering who pressed the button.

  Clem.

  THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 3

  THE IDEA AT THE END OF THE UNIVERSE

  Dear Gram

  I had an idea about how to talk to Dad. We were sitting around the campfire and one of the kids told us about how his aunty has a campfire in her backyard. That sounded pretty odd but he said they sit out there instead of inside so they can look at the stars. His aunty says the stars are like family. The bright stars are for relatives who have recently died and the dimmer stars are for ancestors who died long ago.

  I wondered if there is a star up there for my mum. I didn’t realise that I said it out loud until somebody said, ‘A star for your mum?’ And I said kind of quiet, ‘My mum died when I was being born.’

  This kid said, ‘My mum died, too.’ I could see his eyes in the firelight and they were kind of glistening. We knew that we were like brothers, which is something the campfire does. And that is what gave me the idea about talking to Dad.

  When I got home there was a note from Dad saying that he had to go for a work thing because of new products in his company, which makes the super-tuff Kevlar they put in bullet-proof army jackets and chainsaw trousers and even bomb-disposal clothes. I wish I was wearing some Kevlar when Nick did that bruise on my ribs I can tell you.

  Dad said he would be away until Friday to get customers for these new products. And now it is Thursday night and I am writing this instead of talking to Dad and that is OK by me coz I have an idea for tomorrow night and Dad will freak out, but in a good way I hope.

  Love Clem.

  SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 6

  Dear Gram

  I got home in a good mood about what I was going to say to Dad. And Dad was glad to see me in such a good mood and I was glad to see him.

  This was the first time I had seen Dad since I told Nick the truth on Monday. And I said to Dad, ‘Can we do something that I have an idea about?’ And he said, ‘What is that?’ And I said, ‘It would be good to have a talk around a campfire, but we need to build a campfire in the backyard first.’ He grinned a bit and said, ‘OK.’ So we got some branches and stuff that he had pruned off a tree ages ago and did it.

  I told Dad how I got angry at Nick, but really I was angry at the whole world. I told Dad that I had taken that anger out on him forever. I told him that I got a real buzz from being suspended from school because it made him take notice of me. And I told him that for a long time there I reckoned he didn’t want to stick to me like a father should stick to his son.

  This was the first time in my life I ever told him the straight-up honest truth and how sorry I was for making life so hard for him. I could see his eyes in the firelight and they were glistening and I knew then that we could really be Dad and Son.

  So that’s how the campfire did its thing in our own backyard. Dad said it took strength to say that and that he respected me for everything I said sitting there. He could see that we did love each other and he agreed that it’s not easy sometimes. We were quiet again until he said we should get some sleep and I was up with that. I was tired out from walking in the bush and the campfire and the thing with Nick, which was still putting me in shock from it having happened.

  Violet rang on Saturday morning but I was still asleep. She asked if I was OK coz my voice sounded different and I told her that I had some serious stuff happening with Dad and I would tell her later at the smoothie bar. And suddenly I was hungry for toast.

  Dad appeared and said he’d thought a lot about last night and it was good to remember what I had sai
d. Then he said he’s got something he wanted to do down the street with me. We headed off in the car and he pulled up at the bike shop and asked if I minded having to ride the bike home. And I got ultra-excited but said it’s not my birthday yet, and he said he wanted me to have the bike early.

  Ted got the bike out of the back and I was like, ‘Totally awesome!’ when I saw him take that tag off it that had my name in big letters. And Ted gave me a lock and cable so I could lock the bike up before going into the plaza to meet Violet at the smoothie bar and then he loaned me a stack hat so I could ride it out of the shop.

  When the bike got into the sun there was another shock waiting for me. That purple bike suddenly turned red on one side when the sun hit sideways on it. That was straight-up steroidacious and I didn’t see that trick of the paint inside the shop. This bike is from both ends of the spectrum and fully wicked I can tell you. I got to the smoothie bar very quick to see Violet and tell her about this new surprise.

  I couldn’t stay in the plaza, though, for being fidgety and we went out to the bike and to the park and I rode that Screamin’ Demon all over and I was doing bunny hops and wheelies and even stoppies just in front of Violet and she laughed all the time I was fooling around.

  She got a bit quiet when I told her what had happened with me and Dad the night before, and her eyes got glistening and I had to stop talking for a while there. And Violet reached out and she held on to my hand and she said I was totally awesome but she already knew that on our first day in the smoothie bar. That is the solid truth of what she said.

  I had a happy heart that day I can tell you but I hope I never have another week that is so busy for my head. Mostly I am glad Dad and I look like getting along as we should, coz it has taken a long time.

  Love from Clem.

  WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 9

  INTO FREEFALL

  Dear Gram

  School sure has taken it out of me this week and that is the truth. We didn’t have a camp this week but we had races and I had my new bike at school and it was totally awesome.

  Most of the week was very normal and I was glad that not very much happened because I was so tired in my head. When I had session with the Rev it was a quiet time and I told him about what happened with Nick and with Mr Sykes and Mr O’Neill and he was normal about that and he didn’t try any slippery sentences on me and I was surprised about that and relaxed that day.

  Then I remembered that Mr O’Neill probably told him already about Nick and me but he wouldn’t have heard about Dad and me on the Friday night. I liked telling the Rev about Friday night and how I told Dad that once I thought he was like a motorbike without room for a passenger but I didn’t think that any more. The Rev smiled and I relaxed. I must have been pretty relaxed and dropped my guard, coz suddenly I was saying stuff that just came from somewhere underneath.

  ‘When I was in primary school my teacher did things that no teacher should ever do to any kid. I’d hardly started in year five and he wanted to take my clothes off and I knew I was in big trouble.’

  And when I said that the whole thing bust out of me.

  ‘That teacher even got my dad to believe that I was bad and could not be trusted to tell the truth. Nobody believed me about anything and it was that man who did that to me.’

  I was up on my feet and charging around in the Rev’s office like in the old days. I wanted to pick things up off his desk and throw them through the window.

  ‘That teacher was a full-on peddo with the things he used to do. And then he made me repeat and he did those things to me for another whole year.’

  And I blasted the Rev’s office like nobody’s business.

  The Rev said straight up, ‘Clem, what you have just told me would make anybody very angry and I respect your rage. Is there any more you want to tell me?’

  I was still blasting and I said, ‘I reckon that teacher set me up against my dad and that was part of it, and he set me up with having to repeat and that was another part of it, and he did both those set-up tricks coz he wanted to do nasty things to me. And that teacher tracked me on my front wheel two whole years in a row.’

  And that sounds like it is only a metaphor but it was like a bomb going off in me coz suddenly I knew what he had been doing in that set-up and I was radioactive about that.

  The Rev waited for a while as the explosion cleared and he said, ‘Clem is there anything else you want to say about this?’ And that was it for me, to have someone listening like that, and that bomb blast in my head must have shaken some brain cells into action coz I stood there and I yelled out loud about how that teacher followed me in his mind.

  That teacher was following me coz he could see I was feeling bad about not having a mum and I was feeling bad about how she died and he took a boy who was feeling bad and he made that boy actual bad until he was industrial strength dangerous on everyone and that boy was me.

  ‘And another thing that teacher did,’ I yelled at the Rev, ‘was that he could see the boy’s father was feeling bad and he made that father feel bad on the boy and that boy was his own son and it was me.

  And about that teacher I would like to have his head in one hand and a blunt instrument in the other hand but there aren’t enough blunt instruments in this crappy world and that’s the truth.’

  I was fit to blister but I had not lost it on myself to cry coz I was so angry. And I said to the Rev, ‘If I was a visual I could just close my eyes on all this but a kinesthetic can’t do that and here I am.’ And that was when I ran out of batteries.

  The Rev was not slippery on this one and he said, ‘Clem, we can do some specific things about what you have told me and I am prepared to do whatever it takes for the police to deal with that teacher.’

  When he said that something in me let go. The first time in my life I ever felt like that. Relieved, afraid, all good. I don’t know how we finished the session.

  Clem.

  THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 17

  GOING TO THE COPPERS

  Dear Gram

  I will tell you about going to the police and I hope the DVD of it stops in my mind but this is hard and that is the truth. It was Dad and me at the police station and two policemen and a youth support officer. And it was very serious in there.

  The first thing they asked was my name and birthday. They said I was there for a very serious interview about things that had been done to me and they asked me that teacher’s name and that is when the terrible thing happened.

  I tried to say that name but nothing happened except that my eyes turned to stones like Nick’s that day.

  Then instead of saying his name my stomach turned upside down and I got up and tried to run but it exploded all over the floor in front of me. And there was no warning and the spew went everywhere and even down my shirt.

  But something else had happened and I could feel it and I just sort of crumpled over and hid behind the chair coz I have not messed in my pants like that since I was a baby and it was full-on shame to me. And Dad got down there beside me and held my shoulders together and I could smell the sick and also the stinking mess that I made of my pants. And we sat like that for a long while.

  Then the support worker told us that they had a bathroom with a shower and they could fix me up with some clean clothes. And she said that sometimes a person wants so bad to get rid of someone from his life that this happens.

  So the interview finished without me saying anything and especially not that teacher’s name and the support person took Dad and me for a milkshake. Dad told me that I had what it takes to get through this and I didn’t come this far just to keep my shirt clean. That messed up interview is the DVD that keeps playing in my mind.

  I am feeling not fully OK if the truth be told.

  Love from Clem.

  SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 19

  AWESOME WEEKEND

  Dear Gram

  Weekends get me feeling better and I am not thinking about police interviews today.

  The Carters invit
ed Dad and me to a BBQ. Violet had a present for me and it was a t-shirt but the writing was back to front.

  ‘Put it on in front of the mirror,’ she told me, so we went inside.

  In the mirror that t-shirt said, ‘You’re awesome.’ I stood there but had to keep blinking and I read it again.

  ‘We all know it,’ Violet said, ‘but you have trouble believing it.’ My eyes got misty and she hugged me until the others must be hungry by now.

  Out at the BBQ Mr Carter said, ‘There’s prawns and veal kebabs and fancy sausages. What’ll it be?’

  ‘What are veal kebabs?’ I said.

  ‘Skewered steak,’ he said, ‘but from a baby calf and not a bullock.’

  ‘I’ll have prawns and sausages,’ I said, coz I could only think about our calf at school. And I said, ‘What’s the song about Mr Bojangles?’ And Violet’s parents and Dad tried to sing it. Bad news, my dad singing.

  Mr Bojangles is a dancer and he jumps so high and he lightly touched down and he had a little dog that died and I think the Rev set me up with that song.

  But this is the weekend and I am out to enjoy.

  From Clem the T-shirt Man. Awesome.

  TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 22

  WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN TIME STANDS STILL?

  Dear Gram

  Another day another week another month. Sometimes that is how time feels and especially when things are running normal time, which is called chronology. But there are some days that have danger moments and then time stands still or it just disappears.

  We had Values for Life class the other day with Mr German, and the values class had sentence number four in it that said, ‘Silence or violence, are they the only two responses?’ And we were very silent I can tell you coz we remembered that day of the message about Hamish and how this sentence was there on the board.

  Mr German got us into thinking mode. He asked about how to respond to Bundy who sold Hamish the drugs, which is really hard coz Bundy was one of us. Well, that is when the chronology stopped. Hamish and Bundy were both at the school with us and then they were both gone.