What You Wanted

by Mina V. Esguerra

  “I’m sorry,” I said, rolling out of his grasp toward the center of the bed. “If you can’t even last five minutes in the shower...”

  “It’s a cramp. Because we went swimming,” Damon was gasping between laughs, clutching his thigh. It was true, I could see the spasms, but once the giggling started, it didn’t stop.

  “Relax. Stretch it out.”

  We were both leaving an icky puddle of water that the sheets would have to absorb, so I went back into the bathroom to get our towels and another little thing that needed replacing. I wrapped one towel around me, and dropped the other over him before patting him dry.

  Damon rolled over to his side, face pressed against the mattress. “Fucking shit.”

  It took a few more minutes before his pain began to ease. I might have continued laughing throughout his agony, not entirely sure.

  “Poor guy,” I teased, kissing his forehead. “Do you need menthol cream or something?”

  “God, it hurts. Okay, it’s getting better.”

  “This ever happen to you before?”

  “Never doing this. Only during football. Where were we?”

  “You sure you’re okay?”

  “Come and find out.”

  I sort of slithered to his side, facing him, pushing our towels away and finding space for my limbs around his. He gasped when I pressed against the leg that gave him trouble, but then relaxed as I gently slid under it. It didn’t take long for me to pull the condom off him and replace it with a new one.

  “Thanks for thinking of that,” he muttered.

  “I know, right?”

  I may have teased him mercilessly just now but there was something to be said for him staying hard throughout the pain. Within my next breath he was fully inside me again.

  “God, you are satisfying,” I said, pulling his mouth to mine. “Even if you can’t keep up in the shower anymore.”

  His next thrust was slow, and it only proved my point. His arms went around me, taking me closer to him than I’d ever been, so close that I couldn’t even look into his eyes anymore, so close that my skin responded everywhere when his hips ground into mine. We did this without rushing, without chasing anything, and when my orgasm found me that was what it felt like, that it found me and I wasn’t even looking for it yet. I heard myself moan; I sounded thrilled and bewildered. Damon rode out his own release later, inside me, holding me tight as his pleasure rocked him.

  It was the best. The best it could get. I wanted him this way, and every way. I wanted his laughter, his smirk, his sarcasm, wanted to watch him eat, watch him shower, watch him drive, I wanted to take all of that and put it in me, if that was even possible. I wanted all of this and what would happen after, because I knew what he was like the morning after. There would be breakfast and talking, normal things.

  How could it get even better? If that was possible my heart would probably explode.

  We stayed tangled for a long time. Usually, Damon went through a routine of little things when he was done. He’d pick up clothes on the floor. Get rid of the condom. Wash up. But this time we surrendered to the fog of lazy that hovered around us and didn’t move at all.

  “You can’t still love him,” he whispered, still out of breath. “You can’t still love him and be perfect like this with me.”

  “Is that a question?”

  He shook his head. He wasn’t angry.

  “I’m not saying I still love him,” I said.

  “It wasn’t a question.”

  Chapter 15

  I wonder if this is what love is like.

  I didn’t like the definition of love that I grew up with. Didn’t like the idea that there was real love that was pure, separate from physical. I got into countless debates with classmates because nothing annoyed a conservative good girl more than “But wouldn’t it be better if you loved his body as much as his heart?”

  My mom had to be called in a few times and talk to other parents. I never got into major trouble at home for this ever, which led me to believe that she had been like me. Where else would I have gotten this crazy streak from, right? I knew so little about her life before she became a mom, but really. This society produced people like Julie like a factory. People like me, we had to have been born this way. Born, then left undisturbed.

  Let’s not try to rewrite history. I wasn’t going to pretend that I didn’t love Thad, because it all went to shit and now seemed like the right time to deny it ever happened. That was the first time I thought that it was possible to love and care for someone, and reliably predict that the feeling would remain the same even when we were buying groceries or crossing the street or boring shit like that.

  I wasn’t horny all the time.

  So maybe the moment I had with Damon was a hormonal thing. Maybe I was desperately lonely, still in love with Thad, finding too much to like in what should have been a rebound, a wedding fling, a “layover” I should have departed from by now. Maybe it was that I had hidden my pain so well that no one else would have known what to do with it, how to speak to it. Except Damon, because he was the only other person who saw.

  Maybe he was the right kind of stranger to completely open myself up to.

  What the hell. I didn’t know what I was doing. I craved his kisses and touch just as much the following morning. I also began to feel that damn thing I never allowed myself to.

  Guilt.

  Yes, manangs of the world, it is possible to bang someone and feel nothing but hormones, be nothing but animals enslaved by urges. But another thing is possible and also true—that if there’s one part of him you pretend doesn’t exist, then you don’t love the man; you love the version of him that exists in your head.

  “If he saw you like this and hurt you, he’s an idiot,” Damon had said, the night we met. How could Thad have seen me surrender to him and still choose to hurt me?

  But…

  Damn it.

  Thad also loved me. Enough to think, no matter how stupidly, that he didn’t want me to change. That he wasn’t going to pretend that the parts of me that would ruin us weren’t going to be there anymore.

  What was the stupider idea to believe: that Damon had given up his bad habit? Or that I was hoping he had?

  I knew better than to discuss this on the drive back. Instead we had an amazing seafood lunch, made love again back at his place. We got back home early enough to assure my parents that I was alive.

  If this was love, I had some apologizing to do.

  If this is love, get ready for me to be stupider, world.

  ***

  Thad had never been to this bar before. I introduced him to Karen anyway, who promptly asked him for the drink he wanted.

  “What is that?” Thad was pointing at my juice.

  “Cucumber and lemon.”

  “I don’t think so. I’ll get a beer.”

  “Aren’t you driving?”

  He shook his head. “Coding. I can drink tonight.”

  We moved to a small booth, away from the bar, and sat across from each other. I chose another strange fruit shake because I knew I shouldn’t be drinking.

  “It used to be Thursday,” I said.

  “What?”

  “Coding day for you. It used to be Thursday.”

  Thad shrugged. “Yeah. Monday’s not so bad though. Lots of holidays, so we can take the car out anyway.”

  We. Him and Naomi.

  His order arrived, placed in front of him by Karen herself before she walked away with a polite smile.

  I sipped my drink.

  He looked at his.

  “Andrea—” he began.

  “Do you want to take some of my DVD sets?” I jumped in.

  “What?”

  “I’m over my collection. There are better features in the newer releases, but I probably won’t buy everything all over again.”

  “You shouldn’t. You need money?”

  “Not that. I might move out soon and I can’t take it all with me anyway.”
/>
  “You might need to give them away. I don’t know anyone who’s into buying these things lately. Like those Apollo Ortiz movies of yours.”

  “Oh no, I’m never giving those away. He’s a genius.” Apollo Ortiz was the king of romantic comedies. Thad was never going to take that collection off my hands, even if I paid him.

  Thad paused and then brought the bottle to his mouth. “You want to talk about something else?”

  “Is it that obvious?”

  “I don’t think we’ve changed that much.”

  I nodded slowly. “Yeah. I thought so too. I had an epiphany this weekend.”

  His smile was straight out of college, the kind of smile that made me feel good when my day was shitty. “Those are dangerous, you know.”

  “I know. But you know what happens after...have to follow through. Grow up a little.”

  “Andrea…”

  “Shut up a second, Thad. You probably won’t hear this again. I understand. I forgive you.”

  He blinked at me. “You’re serious?”

  “I am.”

  “What happened?”

  “What do you mean, what happened?”

  “I mean you don’t stay angry at me for this long and then wake up and give me a beer and tell me everything’s good now. What happened?”

  Another sip, before I revealed the hole I had fallen into. “I think karma bit me, Thad. I think I tasted my own bitter medicine.”

  “Did he break up with you?”

  “No. Quite the opposite. I think I fell in love with someone exactly for who he is, and that includes a current unhealthy fixation that might mean he won’t ever be happy with me.”

  Wow. That was a mouthful.

  Thad frowned. “That can’t be right.”

  “You think?”

  “I saw how he looks at you.”

  I shrugged. “We can talk about free will and behavioral patterns all we like, but the point is that I now know how you felt when you decided to end it with me. You did love me. You did respect who I am enough to decide that you were not going to demand things from me. And you were right to do it. I would have noticed every change I made and blamed you for it, as soon as things got difficult.”

  “Did you break up with him?”

  “No,” I said. “See, that’s how I changed history a little bit. I let the weekend stay perfect.”

  “But you’re planning to leave him?”

  Was I? What I realized, after admitting to myself that I had fallen, was that this was now a waiting game. The status quo was great, perfect, never better. The future though, I wasn’t sure about.

  I chewed on my lip and didn’t answer.

  Thad raised a hand and caught Karen’s attention. “I’ll need more of this.”

  ***

  We hung out only to let the rush hour pass. It was still relatively early when I told Thad that he had to go.

  He looked like he didn’t want to go yet, but he also looked half a bottle away from wasted. It was time to shut him down.

  “You should tell your wife that you’re on your way back,” I said.

  He shook his head. “She knows I’m having dinner with a friend.”

  “All right.”

  “I asked for this, you know. I get to have nights like this and I don’t have to report all my activities.”

  We were standing in front of my building, waiting for his ride. He’d called in for his company car service, because he had perks like that. The car was fifteen minutes away.

  “And we agreed,” he continued, “We agreed that we had entire lives before we got married, and those lives don’t have to end. She gets to stay friends with all her friends. Even with the ex who’s obviously in love with her.”

  Whoa. “Thad,” I said, “shut up already.”

  “Because we decided we’d do this,” he rambled on. “It’s not like I don’t have my own regrets. I shouldn’t get to hear about hers when I’ve kept mine a secret out of respect. Because I don’t want her to hate you.”

  God damn it, Thad. Pull yourself together.

  “I don’t think she hates me, Thad. It’s good that you never said anything. It won’t help.”

  “I want to, sometimes,” he said. “When she brings up...stuff, sometimes I want to tell her so badly what I gave up for her. I want to tell her that I loved someone for so long and when I finally had her I realized she was never going to love me. But she’s miraculously still around, still so beautiful, and sometimes I wonder…”

  In the next moment Thad was doing more than wondering. His arms had come around me, embracing me from behind. His face was in the crook of my neck. This was...we’d done this before, as friends. Comforting friend-hugging. But the movement of his lips against the back of my neck this time was not friendly.

  “Hey,” I pulled myself out of this as gently as possible, scooting around so a No Parking sign was between us. “I’ll forget that happened. We can do that.”

  Thad looked lost. Just a few weeks ago I wanted to freeze this look and frame it, and now it didn’t give me any satisfaction.

  “You’re planning to break up with him anyway,” he said. “Can you...can you call me when you do? Please. Let me know.”

  “I will.” I agreed because I was still his friend, and this was the lowest I’d seen him.

  I was not going to think about what it meant.

  What he was suggesting.

  Chapter 16

  Geraldine Javier worked for a hotel. Human resources or something. She had a team of people working for her and apparently organized team building activities so they could bond and discover things about each other.

  This year, she wanted the team to go out shooting.

  Damon was telling me all of this while we were having dinner at the new salad place near the park. All-you-can-eat salad, a first for us. He was layering smoked salmon all over his second serving, which was a brilliant idea, and made the concept of the “veggie date” not as “veggie.” I was glad I was able to focus my thoughts on how good raw vegetables could be, because if not I wouldn’t have stopped rolling my eyes.

  Come on. Shooting. Why now?

  “She wants an orientation, some drills, maybe a team challenge. Only one other person has even held a weapon before, so everyone’s going to need the basics.”

  “She’s never done this before, has she?”

  “Not that I know of.”

  “When’s this going to be?”

  “Two weeks.”

  I shrugged. “How often has she been calling you to talk about this?”

  Every day, was the answer. I knew because even if he didn’t volunteer the information, I could see it. She’d make a quick phone call that he’d answer. They had a “work-related” text thread that kept going, day after day. Small questions, like Do we need to bring gloves? Another time, to share a video, with a question Can we do this?

  I want to say that he didn’t hide all of that from me, but we weren’t exactly looking at each others’ phones. I had accepted that this was happening, and he’d tell me if he wanted to run a reply by me.

  Still, annoying as hell.

  “You're sure this doesn't bother you?” Damon asked. “I don't have to do this myself. You met Chuck at the gun range...I can have him help them with all of this. I don’t even need to be there.”

  “No, it's fine,” I said. “You two were friends before you met me.”

  “You aren't bothered.” Now he sounded a little pissed, and apparently his first question was a leading one.

  “I'm annoyed,” I offered. “I mean, she's obviously throwing herself at you now.”

  “You're not exactly keeping it from happening.”

  I shrugged, smiling like a smug kitty. “Is that my job? Am I the button that holds your pants up?”

  “You're not, but—”

  “But what?”

  “But you should care that it's easier for me to fuck her now.”

  “I know that already.”

>   “The same way that I care that Thad still wants you.”

  We never talked about the incident from earlier this week, but Damon didn't need that information to believe it.

  “Thad's married,” I said.

  “That hasn't stopped people before.”

  “Maybe I'm not that kind of person.”

  That didn't placate him at all. If anything he shot me another suspicious look, and he stabbed at his lettuce with a little more force.

  “What?” I swung my shoe to the right, tapping his. We were sitting beside each other now, in restaurants. I had forgotten when it happened but playing footsie required sideways movement now.

  “I'm bothered,” Damon said, shoving a tattered leaf into his mouth. “I think this is fucked up.”

  “Then don't help her. You don't need me to tell you that.”

  “No. I mean the fact that I'm getting more and more pissed about Thad, and what Geraldine is doing does nothing to you.”

  “But I do dislike her.”

  “It's not the same thing,” he muttered.

  “You want drama?” I teased. “You want me to pull her hair, yell at her to stay away from my man?”

  “Don't put words in my mouth,” Damon said. “If you don't want me to be doing this with Geraldine, just say so.”

  “I'm not going to do that. Like I said, you were friends before you met me. She asked for help. You're helping her out, and you told me you don't want to sleep with her. I shouldn't be bothered. Right?”

  We locked eyes and I found that same challenge in mine reflected in his.

  He was testing me.

  Our perfect weekend probably gave him an epiphany too, but different from mine. Maybe he wanted to see how far I was willing to take this. I mean, he'd spent Sunday lunch and dinner with my family a few times already. What else did we need to do? He'd already laid his cards down by bringing up being exclusive. We never settled that question, and he was forcing it.

  I knew this, because I'd been here before, with other almost-relationships. This was when they wanted more, and I said I didn't. Thad escaped this situation for himself by cutting me loose first. Damon was better at this game, knowing that I had to be a willing player for it to work.