When It Hits You (The It Series Book 1)

by Nicki Elson

  So the hell what? she told herself when she thought of his delicious kisses. Maybe this relationship was doomed from the beginning, but wouldn’t even a mere five minutes with Hayden be worth it? When everything fell apart, the pain would be cushioned by already having her expectations set on failure.

  She ignored the all-too-curious way Lula watched her after they’d shaken hands a final time outside the farmhouse. Lyssa and Hayden assured the investment manager that they’d give her the highest recommendation at the upcoming Delicious Hawaii board meeting. Lula hadn’t called a limo this time. Instead, Lyssa slid into the front cab of Joe’s pickup truck with Hayden sliding in next to her, his thigh rubbing against hers.

  During the drive, Joe made small talk about the storm the night before. When Lyssa admitted that the lighting and thunder had scared her, Hayden slipped his hand around hers, not seeming to realize what he’d done until Joe gave an obvious glance at their clasped fingers.

  “You’re not going to tell Lula, are you?” Hayden asked.

  “’Bout you two being an item?” Joe snorted. “She predicted this after your last visit.”

  “Did she?” Hayden asked, slipping his hand away from Lyssa’s and propping his arm across the seatback behind her.

  “Yup. She said you two were like a couple of greyhounds circling each other constantly but too damn dense to sniff each other’s butts already.”

  Hayden chuckled and Lyssa smiled, but she wasn’t able to come up with a single word to contribute to the turn in conversation. As the men went on to talk baseball, she tried to calm her mind. She didn’t need to overthink this thing with Hayden. All she needed to do was go with it and see where it led her, where it led them.

  Joe made a joke. Something off-color about bulls and baseball players; Lyssa only half heard it. She was more focused on the tip of Hayden’s thumb at the back of her neck, gently stroking up and down as he laughed and easily carried on the conversation. She glanced at his posture—relaxed, confident. In control of the universe. His thumb tickled along the baseline of her hair, and she stared through the windshield at the gray day. The serenity she felt in that moment with Hayden projected into the future—a future of his tender caresses and secure arms. A future of complete comfort at his side. She felt forever with Hayden.

  She also felt as if her chest were caving in. “Joe, do you mind pulling over for a minute?”

  “Sure.” The older man eased the car onto the side of the road as the corners of his eyes crinkled in concern.

  “Feeling sick?” Hayden asked.

  Lyssa reached over her partner’s lap for the door handle. “We need to talk.”

  “Here? Now?”

  “Yes.” Her stomach lurched.

  Hayden stopped asking questions and slid out. Lyssa followed and grabbed his hand, pulling him beyond the truck bed, staying a safe distance from the road without going into the soggy ditch. When she stopped and turned to him, he kept intent eyes on her but stayed silent.

  “Back there, this morning, in your room, I realized how much I miss being with a real, live man, and I know it’s time that I venture back into dating.” A small smile twitched at the corners of his lips, so Lyssa dropped his hand and rushed on before he could say anything. “But not with you.”

  His smile died before it could fully form.

  “Maybe it’s because we already know each other so well,” she said, “but it feels like it’s all moving too fast, and I think it would be better for me to step back into dating more gingerly.”

  “We can go slowly.”

  “No.” She shook her head. “It’s already too late for that.”

  “Lyss.” He reached out and snatched her hand back. “I do know you, and I know we’re good together.”

  “Please, Hayden. Don’t. I’ve put a nauseating amount of thought into this, and I love being with you, and God, I loved this morning with you, but how stupid would it be for me to deliver my tender heart on a platter to someone like you?”

  “Someone like me?” His posture stiffened, and he dropped her hand.

  “I’m not like Roni or Sabine or probably anyone else you’ve ever dated. I could get severely hurt when you realize I’m not enough for you.”

  “Have you not noticed that you’re already enough?” An angry edge had crept into his voice. “I haven’t had an ounce of interest in dating anyone else since those other two cut me loose. You’re the only one I’ve wanted to be with—that’s never happened to me before. And trust me, I’ve put a disgusting amount of thought into this, too. I tried writing us off as just friends, but it all became clear as soon as I opened my eyes to the truth. I’m in love with you, Lyssa.”

  She took half a step back and shook her head. “You think you are. I’m safe; I’m comfortable. After you were emotionally shell-shocked a month ago, it’s only natural that you’d be drawn to me. But it’s an illusion. It’ll fade.”

  “This started more than a month ago. It’s been growing ever since that kiss in Texas—no, since before that. It just took my brain a while to catch up with what was going on. It’s not going to fade.” His legs shifted in place, like he wanted to close the small distance between them, but he stayed where he was.

  “Hayden…” The heat in his voice and the intensity of his gaze made it so easy to believe him. But she’d been following her logical side for a long time and couldn’t ignore it now. “You’re right when you say that you know me, and that means you understand why I can’t be your experiment.”

  “Experiment?” The muscles at the back his jaw tensed.

  “After me being off men for so long, I can’t take my first step back into dating with—”

  “Someone like me.” Any softness had completely retreated from his voice. “I thought if anyone in this world could see me as more than just another womanizer, it’d be you.”

  “No!” She took a step closer, “I see you as a lot more than that—and that’s the problem. It means I’ve got so much farther to fall when it all goes belly-up.”

  “Because you automatically assume I’ll hurt you. Look, I can’t blame you for being cautious, and I can’t predict the future—there’s never a guarantee when it comes to love. But for a relationship to start, both of us have to decide that the other is worth the risk.” His beautiful eyes flicked over her, and the hope that sparked within them twisted her insides.

  She clamped her eyelids shut to escape his scrutiny. “I’m sorry, Hayden.”

  He didn’t respond. When the silence had gone on too long, she slowly lifted her lids. She wanted to say something, anything, to soothe his disappointment, but the hardness in his features smothered her voice. She’d seen him angry before, but at those times there’d been fire, life in his expression. The look he gave her now carried something that reminded her more of death.

  His voice was leaden when he finally spoke. “There’s nothing more I can say or do to make you believe I’m worth the risk.” He pulled his lips into a tight line, almost a wince, and turned. She watched him walk back to the truck and hold the door open for her. She forced her feet to move and dared a timid glance at him as she brushed past to get in, but he stared pointedly away from her.

  For the next few miles, conversation was limited to Joe making random observations about things in the news and Lyssa and Hayden answering with polite nods and half-hearted grunts. Eventually, Joe gave up, and the rest of the ride was silent. At the airport, Hayden asked if she’d mind him requesting a change in his seat, and she strained to keep the quaver out of her voice when she said that’d be fine. It turned out to be a very good idea. This way he didn’t have to see the tears draining down her cheeks the entire flight back. She felt right in her decision but hated knowing she’d killed a great friendship. And she hated hurting him.

  His seat was several rows ahead of hers. He was gone by the time the aisle cleared after landing.

  Chapter 21

  LYSSA GLANCED AT HAYDEN, but as had become the norm during the past ten da
ys, when he wasn’t required to talk to her, his focus was in a different direction.

  “Thank you for all your work on this project,” Shep said, warmly shaking hands with the entire Project Pineapple team. They’d all flown down to Dallas for the final meeting with the Delicious Hawaii board of directors. “Great presentation. I’m sure I’ll return to the room to find out you’ve impressed the board once again—which is a huge feather in my cap, since I’m the one who hired you.” He belted out a hearty laugh.

  Once the board voted and made its final decisions, the asset allocation team would facilitate the transfer of funds and Lyssa would assist with investment manager communication as needed. The new reporting models were already in place, so the rest of Team Pineapple was free and clear. Which meant that Shep’s handshake had essentially dissolved Lyssa and Hayden’s partnership. She didn’t expect an offer of a celebratory drink or dinner this time, and she didn’t get one.

  Though she’d hoped she and Hayden might move toward something closer to their old camaraderie while they worked together to prepare for the final presentation, the two of them hadn’t yet moved beyond polite civility. She appreciated that Hayden hadn’t re-broached the subject of dating, but barely talking at all was worse. She missed him.

  The week after returning from Texas, Carla sidled up to Lyssa’s cubicle and gripped the top ledge of its half-wall, resting her chin between her hands and pouting. “Are you going to turn your high-profile work on Pineapple into a job change, too?”

  “Too? Who got a promotion?”

  “Not a promotion—a departure.”

  “Who?”

  “You don’t know?” She jerked her head up, and her elfin features twisted in genuine confusion.

  “Carla! Who?”

  “Excuse me for thinking you’d already know that the guy you’ve been glued to for the last six months is leaving.”

  “Hayden?”

  “That’s the hottie of whom I speak.” Lowering her chin again to rest on the back of one of her hands, Carla tightened her eyes, inspecting Lyssa. “Now that I think about it, I haven’t seen him swinging by lately to sit on the edge of your desk and flirt. And you haven’t worn that same silly grin whenever you’ve headed down the hall toward his place. Did something happen between you two?”

  “Nothing happened. The project ended. I guess that means the friendship will fade.” It stung to say it out loud.

  “Friendship.” Carla sniffed, shaking her head and standing straight.

  “Where’s he going?” Lyssa asked.

  “Boston. Some new investment firm. Back to my initial question—are you sprucing up your résumé, too?”

  “Not at the moment.”

  “Cool. I’d miss ya.” She winked and walked away, leaving Lyssa to chew on the new bit of information.

  She didn’t chew for long. Approximately ninety seconds later, she stood in the doorway to Hayden’s office. “Were you even going to tell me?” Indignation rang in her voice.

  He stood behind his desk and looked up from the box he was packing. “Nice to see the Fox and Keaton grapevine is in good working order.”

  Leaning a shoulder on the doorframe, she crossed her arms, silently waiting for his answer.

  “Yes, I was going to tell you. I just…hadn’t yet.” He stopped putting things in the box but looked down into it, picking at a corner of the cardboard with one hand.

  “Your new job’s with Carlo and company, I presume.” Her tone had shifted from angry to stiff. He just hadn’t yet? What kind of a reason was that?

  “Yes. He called again a few weeks ago, and I flew out there last weekend. Everything sort of fell into place. He upped his offer from last time, and I’ll start out as a junior portfolio manager.”

  She nodded and worked up a small smile, pushing aside her hurt feelings. “They seem to have a good thing going. Congrats. I’m glad he didn’t count you out for staying loyal to DH when he first approached you.”

  “Thanks.” He looked up from the box and smiled back, but his grin was missing its typical brilliance. Looking at it was almost worse than watching him frown.

  “Hayden—” Stepping into his office, she closed the door behind her. She might never get another chance to say this. “I want to be friends again. I hate this coldness. If you thought what we had was worth growing into something bigger, why are you willing to trash the whole thing just because I don’t want to move beyond platonic?”

  He seemed to grow taller as he took a deep inhale, shifting his gaze to the ceiling for a long moment before leveling it back on her during the exhale. “I’m sorry. I know I’ve been a dick these last weeks. I honestly haven’t meant to be, and you don’t deserve it.”

  “You haven’t been a dick. It’s understandable that you’d want to back away for a while. But can we please move past it now?”

  “I don’t know. I…I’m dealing with a whole set of emotions that I’m not used to, and keeping distant from you has made it easier.”

  “Is that why you’re putting hundreds of miles between us?”

  “Are you asking if I’m going to Boston to get away from you?”

  Her throat clenched, and she nodded her yes.

  “No. That has nothing to do with it.”

  “So, if we’d become a couple, would you still have accepted the position?”

  “Probably.”

  “Well then, I guess my instincts were right.” She gulped through the increased tightening in her throat and hoped he didn’t notice the squeak in her voice when she added, “We’d have ended before we even really began.”

  “No. No way.” He came around the desk to stand in front of her and hold her by the shoulders, piercing her with his suddenly awakened blue eyes. “Moving away doesn’t change how I feel about you. Between video chat and phones and airplanes, we’d make it work.”

  “Like with Roni?”

  “Not anything like with Roni.” His eyes bored deeper into hers, and the fire that had been missing in them reignited. “I’m taking a cue from Carlo—just because you said no once doesn’t mean my offer won’t still be open if you change your mind.”

  Right. Change her mind about a guy who was about to leave her. That’d be a good idea. “What about the offer of a BFF? That one still good?”

  His grip on her shoulders lightened, and he trailed his hands down the side of her arms before breaking contact entirely. “It’s still good.” He gave her a tight smile beneath his perfectly manicured stubble and backed toward his desk, retreating to the protection of his box.

  Watching his strained features as he fumbled about his desk, she was mystified that she could have this effect on someone so beautiful and confident and amazing. She wondered if her disbelief was what kept her from moving forward with him—jumping into the dream might make it pop and disintegrate.

  “You’re worth it, by the way—the risk,” she said, needing him to know. “I’m just not the right kind of person to take it.” She gave him a weak smile, but he didn’t see the pathetic effort because he was too focused on packing things into the box. “When do you leave?”

  “Next Thursday.”

  Thursday. The word slammed into her chest like an anvil. It was so soon. “Okay, well, I’ll let you pack. But let’s do lunch or something before you go.”

  “Do lunch, Bates?” He glanced up and attempted a teasing smirk, but there was too much pain in it to be convincing.

  “I said or something.” She wrinkled her nose and then got the hell out of there before the stinging in her eyes became tears. She and Hayden wouldn’t do lunch. They wouldn’t do anything. He’d leave, and all she could do was hope their friendship would somehow revive through the wonders of modern technology.

  Back at her desk, she aimlessly fidgeted, warding off the tears that still threatened to break free. She needed to get herself under control before anyone noticed her agitation. Her first thought for comfort was Vibrizzio. A nice, long, slow session with him would soothe her. Like a sec
urity blanket. She considered feigning illness right then so she could go home and get to it. Then her mouth went dry at an unwelcome realization—one day she was going to be found dead mid-hump on a polyurethane phallus. Something had to change.

  Lyssa studied Sean across the bistro table while she twisted her fork into a pile of arugula. Amy’s cousin-in-law was as virile as she’d remembered, more sexy than attractive, with a natural magnetism about him.

  He glanced up, and her curiosity must’ve shown, because he quirked an eyebrow and asked, “What?”

  She shook her head, embarrassed that he’d caught her. “Nothing, I’m just surprised you called me after what happened at the wedding.”

  He shrugged, appearing slightly embarrassed himself. “Bygones, right?”

  “No, I need to apologize. I’m really, really sorry about ditching you last time. I was at a very strange place emotionally, and I—”

  “Stop.” He held up his hand. “I get it. And it serves me right for being so confident that you were gettable. Let’s start fresh tonight, okay? I won’t be so obnoxious, and then maybe you’ll want to stick around a little longer.” He tilted his head slightly forward, catching her in the firm grip of his pale green gaze.

  She exhaled, relaxing more than she had since he’d met her downstairs in her apartment building. “I like that plan. But…what did make you call me?”

  “As soon as I knew I’d be heading here on business, you popped into my head, and I couldn’t shake it. So I called Chuck, and he said he didn’t think you were dating anyone, and then Amy jumped on and said I should definitely call you. I’m glad I did.” He smiled, sparking a light in his eyes.

  “I’m glad, too.” She smiled back. It was quite possible that Sean was as much of a player as Hayden, but Lyssa didn’t have any expectations with Sean, and that made him the perfect ease-back-into-flesh-and-blood guy. “So how has your work gone since you’ve been in town?”