Where the Love Gets In

by Tara Heavey

  The child reacted clearly to her name, but chose to look away.

  ‘She’s great. Never been better.’ Sarah’s smile was genuine.

  ‘I think she’s taken a stretch.’

  ‘Do you?’ Sarah resolved to measure her daughter the second they got home.

  ‘Yes, I definitely do. She looks considerably taller to me. And her skin. She’s lost that unhealthy pallor.’

  ‘Yes, I’ve noticed that too.’ Sarah beamed.

  ‘Whatever you’re doing, well done, because it’s working.’

  ‘Oh, I can’t take any credit for it. It’s all down to Star.’

  ‘The dolphin?’

  ‘Yes.’

  Fiona’s thoughts were clearly mirrored by her expression. Her cynicism. Her incredulity that Sarah was still hanging on to her daft notions about Star. Which was, perhaps, why she changed the subject so abruptly. ‘Hey, why don’t you both come back to our house for lunch?’

  Sarah felt panic rising. ‘I can’t.’ She thought quickly. ‘We have an appointment with the speech therapist in Ennis at half two. We’d have only just arrived and we’d have to go again.’

  ‘That’s a pity. Well, we must get together again some time soon. I mean that. You call me and let me know when’s convenient for you.’

  ‘I’ll do that.’

  ‘Make sure you do. ’Bye for now.’

  ‘ ’Bye.’

  Sarah watched Fiona walk away. She breathed a sigh – of disappointment rather than relief. Regret, too, and yearning. Because, irony of ironies, there was nothing she would rather have done that afternoon than have lunch with Fiona. It was exactly what she needed and wanted – the company of such a woman. But she was the wrong woman. And it was Sarah who had made her wrong – by her own foolishness, her weakness, her disgusting behaviour. Disgusting. Yes, that was the word. She felt the full shame of what she had done wash over her. She had been trying to hide from it but she couldn’t any more. She was the one who had brought the relationship with Aidan to the next level. She had invited him over, knowing how he felt about her and knowing full well the inevitable outcome. There were no two ways about it: she had seduced Aidan, not the other way around. Not only that, to get him into her bed, she had exploited his wife’s kindness and trust. She had asked Fiona to send him over and Fiona had obliged, thinking she was doing her new friend a favour.

  Sarah shuddered. It was right that she should suffer from the fall-out. She was lucky it wasn’t a damn sight worse: they had taken such foolish risks – only good fortune had stopped them being caught. Head bowed, she walked on, her only wish now to get home, the market having suddenly lost its charm.

  Chapter 23

  Aidan was out at sea, the only place he felt at home these days. He barely felt at home in his own body. His soul didn’t seem to fit any more. It had expanded when he was with Sarah. Now he couldn’t get it back into his old body, his old life.

  It was Saturday afternoon and the boat was heaving with tourists. Tommy had come along to help out, as he did most days – Aidan never had to insist. The boy came voluntarily and with enthusiasm, Star apparently lighting him up just as she seemed to do with everyone. Aidan reflected on how much he owed this wild animal. She was allowing him to spend so much time out at sea, on his boat, with his son. And she’d brought him Sarah. Although look at where that had got him.

  Tommy came and stood beside him, the tourists temporarily taken care of. ‘I’ve been thinking, Dad.’

  ‘I don’t like the sound of that.’

  ‘The business. It’s doing really well, isn’t it?’

  ‘It is, son, it is.’

  ‘And it’s a big help to you when I come out on the boat.’

  Aidan glanced briefly at his son. ‘You’re handy enough, I suppose.’

  ‘Well, I was thinking. There’s really no need for me to go to college at all. I could stay here and help you run the family business. “Ryan and Son – Atlantic Dolphin Tours”.’ He framed his hands as if seeing the words before him. ‘I could paint it on the side of the boat.’

  His suggestion was greeted by silence.

  ‘What do you think?’

  ‘What do I think?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘I think a lot of things.’ Aidan fell silent again.

  ‘Come on, Dad.’

  ‘All right, then. It’s entirely up to you what you do when you leave school, Tommy.’

  Tommy waited for more words but none were forthcoming. ‘Is that it?’

  Aidan shrugged and they sailed along in a silence punctuated by intermittent whoops whenever Star surfaced.

  ‘Then again,’ said Aidan, eventually, ‘it’d be a terrible pity to miss out.’

  ‘On what?’

  ‘College life, of course.’

  This time it was Tommy who failed to respond.

  ‘I mean, there’s all those clubs you can join for a start. New friends to make.’

  ‘I have plenty of friends here.’

  ‘And half of them will be going away to college. Kevin will be going, won’t he?’

  ‘I suppose.’

  ‘And then there’s all the girls.’

  Tommy’s face changed, just a little.

  Aidan extended his right arm. ‘Girls as far as the eye can see.’

  Tommy laughed, embarrassed.

  This was clearly a consideration. ‘How will they be able to resist a surfer dude such as yourself?’

  ‘What if I don’t get the points?’

  He’d finished his exams several weeks beforehand.

  ‘Do you have reason to believe you won’t?’

  ‘I don’t know, Dad. I’m not a swot like Alannah.’

  ‘You don’t have to be. You’re two different people. You have your strengths and she has hers.’

  ‘But I might not do as well as her.’

  ‘So what?’

  ‘You really wouldn’t mind?’

  ‘Not at all.’

  ‘But Mam would.’

  ‘Your mother would only be upset if you got a place and you didn’t take it.’

  They both knew this was a partial lie, but decided to go along with it.

  ‘And if you did that, she’d make your life a living hell. Not to mention mine.’

  ‘She would, wouldn’t she?’ Tommy sounded glum.

  ‘So, why not give it a go anyway? You can always drop out if you don’t like it.’

  Tommy appeared to be absorbing this. Aidan knew his son was no quitter. If he started something, he liked to see it through.

  ‘Besides,’ Aidan added, ‘I thought you couldn’t wait to see the back of us.’

  Tommy kept staring straight ahead and Aidan knew that fear was at the heart of all of this. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the future unfolding before him to God knew where. ‘You know we’re not going anywhere, don’t you? That we’ll still be here for you? You can come home every weekend if that’s what you want. Like Alannah used to do in the beginning. Then you’ll probably meet some girl, the same way she’s met this Ross eejit, and we won’t see you for dust.’

  Tommy smiled. ‘You know why he won’t come here, don’t you?’

  ‘Who?’

  ‘Ross.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Because he’s terrified of you.’

  ‘Me? Sure, I’m just a big teddy bear.’

  ‘Lana told him what you said about wrapping the hurl around his neck.’

  Aidan threw back his head and laughed. It was the first time in ages that either of them had heard the sound. ‘Good enough for him,’ said Aidan. ‘Now, that lady over there has gone a bit green. Be a good lad and get her to move to the centre at the back.’

  ‘All right, Dad.’ Tommy sprang into action, still the same boy he’d always been, when you got down to the root of him. Aidan felt better than he had in weeks, his son confiding in him. He had always been the one his children talked to. The more touchy-feely one, Fiona always said. She, for all her good intentions, tend
ed to be a little too harsh, too pragmatic. And a little too inclined to try to mould them into the image she held for them. Aidan had always been more willing to allow them to grow into the people they were destined to be, to let them develop their own preferences, consciences, ideas. And, every now and then, he was rewarded with moments such as this. He smiled again.

  The breeze was warm, the air clear. The people on the boat looked to starboard as Star jumped clear out of the water. She remained suspended, and it was as if time stood still for several seconds. Then she began her descent, showering everyone with silvery rainbow droplets when she landed.

  Chapter 24

  Star had many faces, many personas. That was how it seemed to Sarah. At times, she was perfect elegance, a magical, mythical creature. Other times, she was playful, comical, even. Her permanent smile was clearly a trick of nature, yet somehow so convincing. And there were times when she was almost an alien – her face so odd from certain angles. And it was, as Aidan had told her once, as if she had fallen from the stars. Especially when she emitted one of her strange clicks or cries. The first time she did it, Sarah had almost jumped out of her skin. But she was used to her now. And, she fancied, Star was getting used to them.

  That morning there were many other children in the water. Sarah wished they’d all go home but she knew in her heart that was wrong. They had the right to this experience. As did Star, who seemed to delight in weaving in and out of all the wriggly little bodies, feeding on their excitement. It never failed to amaze Sarah how the animal tempered her actions to suit whoever was in the water with her. Her style of play when interacting with an adult male was completely different from the way she responded to children. She was far more gentle with them, as if she sensed their vulnerability.

  Sarah was lost in a daydream when the level of childish screams reached a new height. Something had happened. Maia was tugging urgently at her arm. Sarah looked down – her daughter’s eyes were huge and she was flapping her hands like mad.

  ‘Aid,’ she said.

  ‘What did you say, Maia?’ She had to be sure.

  ‘Aid.’

  She was sure. This was Maia’s name for Aidan.

  Sarah’s blood stopped moving around her body. Was he here? She looked in the direction of the commotion and saw Aidan’s dog, Rufus, in the water, mingling with the children, his head slick and black, panting. Sarah’s head turned automatically towards shore. But it was only Tommy, standing with his hands in his pockets. He took one out and waved at Sarah. She waved back. But where she had expected relief, there was only disappointment.

  She returned her attention to the water, where she saw something she’d only heard about before. The dog and the dolphin were swimming and playing together. Every so often, Rufus would be caught up on a wave and yelp, but he showed no inclination to stop until Tommy whistled and he paddled back to shore. Once on dry land, he gave himself a massive shake, drenching a group of little girls who were standing close by, causing them to scream. Then he trotted after Tommy, who waved once more at Sarah before disappearing.

  Sarah felt deflated, all the energy gone out of her. She hadn’t seen Aidan since that horrible day at her house. He’d doubtless been avoiding her, staying away from places he thought she’d be. She’d been keeping a low profile too. She allowed herself to think about him now. Her thoughts weren’t good.

  It was the following Saturday and Sarah felt gloomy. She didn’t know why. She had been looking forward to this morning since she had booked Bridget mid-week. She should have been celebrating her increasing sense of freedom. That had been the plan. The miracle that was Maia’s transformation had continued and now she was willing to go just about anywhere with Bridget. The first time Sarah had left her daughter at Bridget’s house, she had walked down the garden path in dread, sure that she would be returning to collect her within minutes because the child had freaked out. But it had gone just fine. Bridget knew exactly how to handle Maia. So, this morning had been about treating herself to some long overdue self-indulgence. She was going to go for brunch, browse in the boutiques, get a manicure. She was going to be Sarah Dillon, woman in her own right, instead of Sarah Dillon, mother of an autistic child.

  Was the end of her love affair the only reason for her unhappiness? She hadn’t been feeling all that great lately – maybe that was part of it too. A strange, bloated feeling in her belly, as if she’d eaten something a little off. Or maybe she was coming down with a bug. Of course, it might be that she was missing work, the Dublin theatre scene. She had been a bit antsy of late so maybe it was time to get back to her real life. But to leave Star behind, to take Maia away now …

  Whatever it was about today, even the brilliant sunlight couldn’t penetrate her gloom. She decided a decent coffee would sort her out. She pushed open the door and went into the Melting Pot, the best café in town. It took her eyes a few seconds to adjust to the darkness inside. Then her heart did a double back flip and she wondered if she could make it out of there before she was seen.

  Aidan, who was facing the door, was staring right at her. They locked eyes. His expression was unbearable to her, not because it held recrimination but because it was so completely and utterly sad. And she knew that she was the cause of it. It wasn’t too late. She could still walk right out. He’d understand. He’d probably thank her for it.

  ‘Sarah!’ But now Fiona had seen her too and she was waving at her, looking at her expectantly, waiting for her to come over.

  Feeling as if she was walking in slow motion Sarah put one foot in front of the other towards their table. Her heart was like a clock ticking in her ears.

  ‘Sarah. You remember Alannah, don’t you?’

  ‘I do. Nice to see you again, Alannah.’

  The girl smiled broadly at her. Aidan’s smile.

  ‘And you know Tommy, of course.’

  ‘Yes. Hi, Tommy.’ She was amazed at how normal her voice sounded. That it hadn’t come out as a croak.

  Tommy gave her an adolescent nod before casting his eyes downward again, his surf-dude hair flopping over his eyes and hiding the worst of his acne, as it was designed to do.

  ‘Why don’t you join us? We’ve only just ordered.’

  ‘Oh.’ This was like a nightmare she couldn’t wake up from. She thought fast. ‘I only came in for a takeaway. I have to get back to Maia.’

  ‘That’s a shame. How is she?’

  ‘Good. Doing very well, thank you.’

  ‘Any new words?’

  ‘A few.’

  ‘You must give me the name of that speech therapist. She’s obviously worked wonders. I have a few patients I wouldn’t mind referring to her.’

  Her name is Star.

  ‘I’ll do that, Fiona. Anyway. Lovely seeing you all again. I’d better head. ’Bye.’

  ‘ ’Bye, Sarah. Don’t be a stranger.’

  Sarah turned her back on Aidan’s family and walked over to the counter. The girl took her order immediately. It still wasn’t quick enough. She could feel Aidan’s eyes boring into her back, like a pair of blue-green lasers, just as they hadn’t left her face the whole time she was at the table. Aidan and his family. Tears tickled the backs of her eyes. Thankfully, the girl was quick. As she placed her order in the paper bag, Sarah picked out Fiona’s voice. She was whispering – or, at least, Fiona thought she was: ‘Honestly, Aidan. You didn’t say a single word to Sarah. Even Tommy’s better than you and he’s a teenager. The woman must think you don’t like her.’

  Sarah bolted and raced down the street. She had practically come out in a sweat.

  ‘Sarah!’

  Christ! It was Fiona. Why was she following her?

  Sarah stopped in her tracks and turned slowly, hoping she didn’t look as terrified as she felt. Fiona seemed oblivious, though, as she came to a halt, heaving for breath. ‘You’re some mover, you know that? I thought I was going to lose you.’

  Sarah wondered what on earth was so urgent she’d had to run after her.
/>   ‘You forgot this,’ said Fiona, handing her a small leather wallet.

  ‘Oh,’ said Sarah, and relief flooded through her. She smiled at Fiona. ‘Thank you. I’ll forget my head one of these days. If you hear rumours of a headless woman walking around the town, you’ll know who it is.’

  ‘Actually, I’m glad I got you on your own. There’s something I’ve been wanting to say to you for a very long time.’

  Sarah’s interior froze again, but she hoped she was maintaining a veneer of normality.

  ‘That day in your house – you know, when Aidan called in for me.’

  Sarah nodded.

  ‘You were so kind, letting me go on like that.’

  This was excruciating.

  ‘I know we only met each other a short time ago, but I just thought, I don’t know, that you’d be a good person to talk to. I mean, my friends around here, they all know Aidan too. Some of them have known him longer than they’ve known me. It just didn’t seem appropriate to go to them. Whereas you – you barely know him. And I suppose I was looking for a fresh perspective. Someone neutral.’

  Sarah felt incapable of making a sound.

  ‘The funny thing is, that day was a turning point for me and Aidan. I don’t know what shifted, but something did. And ever since then things have been getting back on track. Slowly but surely, as they say. Maybe I’d been keeping things pent up for so long that letting them out made me more relaxed so things got better at home. I feel like – somehow – it’s partly, indirectly, down to you. I wanted to say thank you.’

  ‘You don’t have to –’

  ‘Yes, I do. I’m sorry for bending your ear that day. And thank you for the result.’ Fiona’s grin faded. ‘Are you all right? You look a bit – shook or something. I know it’s not exactly a medical term.’ She laughed.

  To Sarah, Fiona seemed one hundred per cent happy. She felt a deep sense of yearning. Was it always necessary for one person’s happiness to be at the expense of another’s? She forced a reply. ‘I’m okay. Just coming down with a bug, I think.’

  ‘Well, you know where I am if you need a doctor.’

  Yes, I know where you are. Living with Aidan. Sleeping with Aidan.