Shiver

by Deborah Bladon

  I know one day I'm going to have to explain to both of them that I was stabbed when I was trying to fend off the boyfriend of the woman I thought I loved. I'm also going to have to tell them that it cost him his life so I could save hers and mine.

  "I know someone hurt you, Daddy." She reaches up to wrap her arm around my shoulder. "I'm sorry that they did that to you."

  "Me too."

  Her lips skirt over the scar. "If I could kiss it better, I would. I would take it away so it wouldn't hurt you anymore."

  There's no way in hell I'm going to get through this without crying. I don't even try and stop the tears. "It doesn't hurt anymore, Princess."

  "I think it does."

  "Why do you think that?"

  Her hand picks up mine and rests it against my cheek, over the scar. "You're sad sometimes. I see you holding your face like this. You look so sad, Daddy."

  "I'm not sad." I pull my hand away, cradling hers in mine. "I think about how I got the scar sometimes. That does make me sad."

  "I know someone cut you." She tilts her head slightly to the left, her eyes glued to my cheek. "A boy in our class cut his finger with a knife. It looked like that."

  I cast my eyes down. "A man cut me with a knife."

  Her small hand jumps to my chin and as she tilts my head up to meet her gaze, I see the tears in her own eyes. "I would have stopped him, Daddy. I would have screamed at him until he stopped. I promise I would have saved you."

  I pull her into me then, her head resting against my chest as my heart thumps a fast beat. I hold tight to her, wishing I could change my past, but knowing that nothing I can do will ever erase that night from my mind or my face.

  ***

  "You're going to miss me like crazy, aren't you?" I whisper the question into the sweet smelling skin at the back of my wife's neck. She had been fast asleep when I got to bed last night after taking Chloe back into her room and waiting for her to fall asleep.

  I didn't wake her when I got up an hour ago and showered, dressed and gave the kids their breakfast.

  "Not really," she says sleepily. "You hog the blankets, Noah. You're like a fucking giant. You take up most of the bed."

  I chuckle deeply. "You're the blanket hog, Alexa. When I got in bed last night, you had them wrapped tightly around you. I was freezing cold the entire night."

  "I'm naked."

  "What?" I yank at the edge of the blanket, trying desperately to find a way in but she's encased herself. "Let me see. I don't believe you."

  "Like I'm going to lie about that." she moves her head slightly. "Aren't you supposed to be on your way to the airport by now?"

  I am. I'm catching a flight to Boston in less than two hours to meet my brother. That means I should already be out the door and on my way. "I want to see your body, Alexa."

  "It hasn't changed since yesterday." She kicks her feet slightly, the motion doing nothing to dislodge her from the blankets. "You can see me when you get home tomorrow."

  Why the fuck does that feel like forever right now. "We have time now. I can fuck you quickly. I can do it in the next five and still make my flight."

  "What horny girl can refuse an offer like that? A fast fuck on the Noah Foster's cock?"

  "It's not happening, is it?" I try to sound deflated but she's way too cute right now. "Can I at least get a kiss goodbye?"

  She moves swiftly, kicking the blankets free, revealing a pair of jeans and the same god awful ugly sweater she was wearing when we went to Boston together last week. "Diana should be walking through the door any second and I already called an Uber. He's waiting downstairs for us. I'll go with you and kiss you goodbye before you go through security."

  "Cock tease." I laugh as I graze my lips over hers.

  "Only for you." She giggles. "Only for you."

  CHAPTER 12

  "Dad might show up," Ben says as he slides out of the backseat of the taxi when I greet him on the street in front of my building in Boston. "I spoke to him this morning."

  I pull my brother into a hug. A few years ago I thought we'd never speak again. Now, I can't go a day without talking to him or texting him. He's my best friend.

  "I talked to him too." I reach for his overnight bag. "He's flying in from San Antonio later today. He'll crash here tonight."

  "It'll be good to see him."

  I look up at the sky. The looming clouds hold a promise of the snowstorm that the news outlets have been talking about all day. I ran down to the street in just a t-shirt and jeans when Ben called to say he was almost here. "Let's go inside. I'm freezing. Hopefully dad lands before the storm hits."

  "I hope so. I haven't seen him in a few weeks." He falls in step behind me as we enter the lobby. "Whenever he's in Manhattan he's been working with Max on a secret project for your birthday."

  I stop in place and turn on my heel. "You just blew that surprise, dude."

  He chuckles deeply. "I didn't. Wait until you see what it is."

  I want to push but I'm not about to steal anything away from my son. I start walking towards the elevator again. "It's your birthday too that day."

  "I'll be there for the unveiling."

  I stop, once again turning to look at him. "Shut up about the surprise. You're fucking this up."

  "I'm not." He taps his hand on my shoulder. "I hope one day I get to have a son like Max. He idolizes you."

  "He's a great kid."

  "Have you figured out what we're going to do today?" He slides his dress shoe across the marble floor as we wait for the elevator. "We can go to mom's grave."

  "She wouldn't want that." I motion for him to step into the lift once the doors open. "I have something else in mind."

  "Alright." He shrugs his shoulders. "I'm going to defer to you since you're the oldest."

  I laugh. "Don't you forget that, Doc. Never forget that."

  ***

  "I've tried to tell Kayla about how beautiful mom was." He skims his hand over her face in the image he's standing in front of. "I need to show her this picture. This says it all."

  It does. It's a picture that I can't take credit for. My dad took it the day we were born. He actually took three pictures. One is of my mother holding both of us, one in each of her arms. The other is of her holding me and this one, the one I framed for Ben, is our mother cradling him when he's only a few hours old.

  "I want you to take that home."

  He turns towards me, his eyes locking on mine. "This is for me? You framed it for me?"

  "I thought we should each have one." I nod towards a similar one on my desk. "That's me and mom."

  He crosses the floor and looks down at the framed picture. "We looked almost identical the day we were born. We don't look as much alike now."

  "You wish you looked like me," I joke. "We both know I'm the better looking one."

  He hesitates only briefly. "My wife would argue that point with you. She tells me I'm hot."

  "She has to say that, she's married to you."

  He shakes his head as he chuckles. "I heard about the photo exhibit from Kayla. You're showing these pictures of mom?"

  I scan the office. All the images of our mother are still in the same place they were last week when Alexa and I were here. I didn't move them when I arrived at the penthouse this morning even though that was my intention.

  I've spent the past week trying to decide how to best utilize the gallery space I've been offered next month. "Alexa had a different suggestion. I might go that way."

  He rests the picture in his hands on the desk. "What way is that?"

  "I'll show you." I move across the room to a filing cabinet. "I made a few prints in New York and brought them with me. I want your opinion. I want dad to see them too."

  I rifle through the large envelope I carried on the airplane with me. I had studied the pictures on the flight here and with each mile that passed I was more convinced that this is what I need to share if I'm going to put my work in front of the public again.

&nb
sp; "I've been thinking a lot about how private mom was." I don't turn to look at him as I continue, "I can't ask her for permission to display these pictures but I can honor her in another way."

  "What way?" He's behind me now. I can tell by the tone of his voice.

  "Remember when mom would take us to the grocery store?" I pick out two pictures and hold them in my hand as I turn. "We'd buy a bunch of stuff for the food drive."

  His eyes drop to my hands. "We'd stop there on our way home. She'd make us unload all the food. We even had to go back sometimes on Saturday mornings to help the staff sort through stuff."

  "She used to tell us we got to help," I tell him. "She would correct me when I said we had to do it. She'd tell me got to because we were lucky."

  "I remember."

  I flip the pictures in my hands over so they're visible to my brother. "I started donating at the shelter that's three blocks over a couple of years ago. Whenever I was back here, I'd stop in there."

  He reaches for the pictures, tugging on them. "You took these when you were there?"

  I nod. "The people there aren't looking for handouts. They're hard-working. They want to contribute."

  His eyes scan the photographs, stopping on the one of Opal. "This woman is beautiful."

  "That's Opal," I say clearly. "She comes here to help me sometimes."

  "This is the Opal that Alexa told Kayla about?"

  My wife can barely contain herself when it comes to sharing news about any aspect of her life. I don't fault her for telling her best friend about Opal.

  "Mom would have preferred if I made a show of these." I tap the edge of Opal's picture. "I'll take more. I'll capture their experience. I'll share it with others."

  He nods slowly. "Mom would be proud of you. She'd be so proud of you for doing this."

  'You're a doctor, Ben." I pat his shoulder. "She would have told every single person she met that her son was a doctor."

  He meets my gaze. "I wish she was here. I miss her more now, you know?"

  "I know. I know exactly how you feel."

  CHAPTER 13

  "His flight is delayed but he's going to be here tonight." I glide the full bottle of beer across the table towards Ben. "We'll walk back to the penthouse and meet him there."

  "Do you think he's happy?"

  "Dad?" I pick up a fry and pop it in my mouth. "He seems happy enough to me."

  He takes a swallow of the beer. "I think about losing Kayla sometimes. I don't know how he did it. How do you go on after something like that?"

  I thought about the same thing once too. I imagined what my life would be like if Alexa died. I couldn't actually focus on the idea of it because of the instant panic that set in. I'd go on for the kids. I'd make sure they healed and grew into the people she wants them to be, but I'd be dead inside. I'd be empty without her.

  "He's a strong man," I offer. "He's dealt with way too much shit in his life."

  He drinks more beer, gulps it actually. "I thought he hated me for years. I know he couldn't look at me without thinking about mom's death."

  I'm not going to sugar coat it to shield him from the truth. We've talked this out with our dad, Ron. The three of us sat in a bar one night and let loose. "He was heartbroken. We all were after she died."

  "I talked to the doctor who was taking care of her a couple of months ago." His eyes close briefly. "I was here at a conference. He was there too. He actually remembered her case."

  Medical jargon is a foreign language to me. I went in to see Ben at the hospital when I had a sore throat last fall and he tossed out some term that sounded like an Italian dish. It was an infection, cured within days with a round of antibiotics. "Tell me in English what he said."

  He smiles. "They told her before she left the hospital that she had weeks left to live. I fucked up when I messed up her oxygen that day but her time was limited. We would have lost her before the end of that summer."

  I knew it. I might not have recognized it when I was eighteen and mourning the loss of every single minute I could have had with her. "She had a virus? Dad said that's what it was."

  He studies my face carefully. "I was going to talk to dad about this first. I wanted to tell him that I know, before I told you, but he shuts me down whenever I try and bring it up."

  "Dad's not here." I wave my arm over the table. "Tell me. I have a right to know."

  "She had late stage breast cancer. It had spread...everywhere. She avoided doctors for years and when she finally went in because she couldn't stop vomiting they told her she had a stomach virus and that she had terminal cancer."

  "Cancer," I repeat the word back. "Why didn't dad tell us that?"

  "She probably told him not to. We were graduating, Noah." He picks up the bottle of beer but doesn't bring it to his mouth. "You know mom. She protected us from everything. That's who she was."

  "She did protect us." I heave a sigh knowing that keeping those pictures of her private so they can remain treasures to our family is the right thing to do. I need to protect her memory. "She was a fighter, Ben. She was the definition of a fighter."

  "Here's to mom." He holds his beer in the air between us. "Happy Birthday, Mom."

  I raise my bottle and clink it against his. "Happy Birthday, Mom. I love you."

  ***

  "Where's Opal?" I ask one of the residents of the shelter that I photographed a few months ago. "I don't see her."

  He looks around, his eyes stopping on the small, gathered groups of people. "She was here this morning. I haven't seen her since."

  "What does that mean?" I pat him on the shoulder to stall him as he starts to walk away. "It's snowing outside. The temperature is freezing. She has to be here."

  "Nope." He points to her knapsack sitting on the edge of a cot. "That's her bag there but she's not here. She told me to watch it when she went for a walk."

  I look at Ben but his eyes are glued to his phone. After we left the restaurant, I suggested we stop at the shelter so I could introduce him to Opal. My plan is to offer her an actual full-time job caretaking at my penthouse.

  I'm going to sell eventually but for now, I'll keep the place and work on my photography project when I'm in town. Opal can help me organize. She'll earn a paycheck from me and I'll have the help I need. It's a win-win. It's fucking brilliant and best of all it will get her out of the shelter and give her a chance to get back on her feet. It's a small step but she's been good to me and I want to repay that.

  As for our dad, Ben already offered his empty condo here if he needs a place to stay when he's in town. He's a nomad now so who knows where he'll be a week from now.

  "What's wrong?" Ben taps my shoulder. "Is she not around?"

  "That's her stuff." I walk over to pick up the knapsack. "This is everything she owns, Ben. She wouldn't just walk away and leave it here."

  "It's brutal outside, Noah." He points to the window. The steady stream of snow falling makes it impossible to see beyond a foot or two. "She's probably at another facility. We can check on some of the close ones."

  I wouldn't know how to do that. I shouldn't be this worried about her. She can take care of herself. I know that but she's become a friend. She's important to me now. I can't explain it, but I feel a connection to her. I always have.

  "Are you two boys looking for Opal?" A female voice pulls both of our attention to the left as her hand reaches out to touch Ben's chest. "I've seen you here before, but you're new."

  Ben's eyebrows pop up as the older woman gropes him through his coat. "My brother is friends with Opal. We'd like to talk to her."

  "She went down to that park she likes this morning."

  "This morning? She hasn't come back since?"

  "I'm not her babysitter." She leans in close to Ben. "I'd babysit you though. I'd even do it for free."

  "We're leaving." I pull on his arm. "We're going to find Opal."

  CHAPTER 14

  "You're sure this is the park she would go to?" Ben calls from acros
s the vacant park towards me. I can't see him. I can't see shit because it's snowing so fucking hard right now.

  "This is it," I yell back. "I walked her here one day. She used to come here with her husband."

  The lamp posts that dot the landscape aren't throwing enough light for me to see anything. There's no way in hell she's here. She would have sought shelter somewhere. That makes the most sense. What makes no sense at all is that the shelter she lives in is less than two blocks away.

  "I called every hospital, Noah." Ben is right in front of me now, snow peppering his dark hair and his coat. "She hasn’t been admitted. There are no Jane Does either. She has to be safe somewhere."

  "Where?" I bark the question back at him as I scrub my hand over my forehead. "I'm sorry. I'm worried, Ben. She wouldn’t leave this shit behind."

  His eyes fall to the knapsack I'm still clinging to. "You said that her and her late husband had friends. She might have met up with one of them and decided to spend the night."

  It makes sense. It's definitely plausible.

  "I wish to fuck she would have taken me up on my offer to get her a phone," I say it aloud. "I wouldn't have to worry so much if I could call her."

  "Let's head back to the shelter." He pulls the collar of his coat closer to his neck. "The temperature is dropping fast. We're too exposed. We need to get inside too."

  I know he's right. We should try and find a taxi and head back to the shelter so I can leave her things there for when she shows back up. If we do that, we can be back at the penthouse, having a brandy with our dad, within the hour.

  My brother taps his hand on my chest before he points to the street in the distance. I can barely make out the passing traffic. "Let's head back up that way. I'll lead the way."

  I nod as I watch him take a step forward and that's when I see it. It's the faintest movement in the distance. It's the only flash of darkness against the white snow but since it's directly under a lamp post, it's unmistakable.

  "She's there." I grab Ben's shoulder as I run past him. "Opal's on that bench."