Howl

by Annalise Grey

  “Not unless we fight together.”

  My head reeled from what I was hearing. Another war?

  “Why take control of my pack? We were never a threat.”

  “But you were a threat. Gavin was never going to support him. I realized from the moment I met him that Gavin would do anything to keep Jason in check, even if it meant fighting him head on.”

  Stomach bile filled my throat. “Did you have him killed?” I choked on my own rage.

  Daniel's eyes locked onto mine. “I didn't mean to, I swear it! I texted Jason as soon as Gavin left for the reconnaissance. Jason said he would only speak to him, present his case for joining in the fight against the humans and try to bring Gavin to our side. I never thought he would actually have him killed!”

  “You vicious dog,” My hand flew to his throat. “I should kill...”

  “Sophie no!” Tristan yelled, releasing Daniel from his grasp.

  “Please!” Daniel croaked as his hands grappled with my wrist. “I never meant for anything to happen this way.”

  “Why Daniel? Why would you do this?” I spat. “All your talk of belonging with this family, your friendship with Gavin, you tried to make me your mate....”

  “I….” He gasped. “I loved you from the first moment I met you. I was supposed to stay here just long enough to get Gavin on our side. But then I met you and everything changed.”

  My eyes bore into his. Fear and passion, love and anger flashed in his eyes.

  “I belong with you Sophie. You have no idea how much I hate myself for causing this pain for you and your family, even if it was unintentional.” He whispered.

  “Then why did you do it?” I snarled.

  “I just want to live in the open. No more hiding who I am, fearful that they will come for me. Jason convinced me that we could unite our kind and create a new world for werewolves. And I truly believed that he would be reasonable. He promised protection for your entire pack if you and I were mated, whether or not Gavin supported our cause. It was the only way to keep you truly safe. Jason became increasingly unstable and when he killed Gavin I realized what danger you were in. I couldn’t bear to think of what he would have done to you, to your family, if you weren’t bound to me. But you had to go and chose the human over me.”

  “Jaime may be dead now for all I know.” I heaved with hatred.

  “I'm sorry for the pain but not sorry for the loss. He is just a human, after all.”

  My nails dug into the smooth tissue of Daniel's neck until they made several punctures. “Sophie you're going to kill him!” Tristan cried out as a gurgling sound escaped Daniel's throat. I wanted to rip his windpipe out right then and there. “Fifi, please!”

  Daniel’s eyes pleaded more than Tristan’s words ever could. Behind the anger lay a man no different than me. What I wouldn't give to live without fear. To have avoided the last months of lying, denying, and pretending I am something else. To simply be in the world. Did Daniel deserve to die along with the others? Hadn't I already killed enough of my own kind today?

  I loosened my grip. Daniel collapsed against his own arms, choking on air and blood.

  “You will leave and never set foot on my land ever again or I will not hesitate to rip you in two.” I growled as he nodded carefully before rising to his feet and stumbling off into the wood line.

  “Kylin and Granddad, get Ethan ready for burning.” My husky voice reverberated around the yard.

  My own family stood still as statues. “Burn Ethan immediately. Lorelei, call Thomas and explain what's happened. Leave the wolves where they lay. Thomas may need their corpses.” Without another word, the remnants of my family carried another brother to ash while I made my way into the house and left the carnage behind.

  Once in my room, I caught a glimpse of my reflection in a picture frame. I didn’t recognize the grotesque scene in front of me. Blood stains covered most of my chin and all down my naked chest. There were streaks of drying blood on my arms and waist. I went to the bathroom and I splashed water on my face, quickly wiping away the scarlet with a damp washcloth. I startled at the sight of my own eyes staring me down through the mirror. My grey eyes were dark; like the skies before a terrible storm. Gone was the lighthearted, carefree shine.

  I was no longer me. I felt it in the pit of my stomach. I had transformed into something sinister. It was as if my smooth edges had been grated against a rough surface. I was jagged and hardened. I was now lethal.

  I tore my eyes from my reflection and finished dressing quickly.

  ~Darkness lies ahead~

  The month following Jason’s assault on our land, I worked non-stop in my new and arduous position as Alpha. The days blurred into the nights as I dealt with uniting two packs who basically hated each other. After several all-out fights, one so brutal that John and Tristan nearly tore apart a female and two males from the Moshannon pack and I had to wrestle my twin to the ground, I commanded a truce. Our newly united packs never openly fought after that moment though the mistrust lingered in the eyes of each and every wolf, especially when those eyes were turned toward me.

  “We are in this together now, whether you like it or not!” I bellowed.

  The barely-restrained snarls and growls died down though icy glares stayed fixed on each face.

  “Perhaps we are not ready to be joined on one land. We will maintain two separate residences for now – The Larsens will stay at their home in Moshannon State Forest and the Matthews will stay here in the National Forest.” I declared. “However, in three days' time the Full Wolf Moon comes. We will take our first hunt as a united pack. We are not going to break each other down. We will stand together; as one pack, as one family.”

  A few minor rumbling growls erupted from the groups before me. Each pack stayed in closely guarded circles, one to my right, and the other to my left. Beneath the waxing pewter moon, I let out a deep, slow howl.

  Around me a chorus of tones began, hesitantly at first, and then with increasing vitality as the crescendo built.

  *

  During this time, Thomas and I set to rigging evidence of cross-bred dogs in the National Forest. Above protestations and pleads for burning, we returned the corpses to the Moshannon pack's property and hastily build a cage to house the bodies. The wolves were to remain, untouched, until Art, the patriarch of the Moshannon pack, called the police. The Moshannon pack may have wanted a fight with humans but I did not. A cover-up was my only option.

  “How long until the autopsy reports are done?” I asked Thomas as I poured a cup of coffee for him.

  “At least three weeks. That's how long I have to wait so as to avoid arousing suspicion. I think it will be fine, though. The Conservation Officers and Police are ecstatic to have found the animals’ bodies as fast as they did. Although, it helped that Art Larsen turned himself in.” He gave me a sideways glance, recalling when Art, the patriarch of the Moshannon pack, offered to come clean and confess to illegal breeding. It wasn’t a decision that sat well with his family especially since I agreed to let him. It was intended, on his part, as a gesture of good-will and faith in the new pack yet his children resented it and seethed whenever the subject came up.

  “The judge may be more lenient since he came forward on his own, although, he could be facing manslaughter charges since the ranger died. If he's convicted, he could be going to jail for a very long time.” Thomas set down his coffee and put a hand on my shoulder. “The police believe they all had knowledge of it. Last I heard there was talk of charging each individual with unlawful breeding and maintaining dangerous animals.”

  “That is not going to help our inter-pack relationship.” I ran a hand through my hair and took a deep breath, not willing to let the stress topple me. “But that’s the way it is, I guess. The humans can't learn the truth. I have enough to worry about right now without bringing the war to our front line.”

  “Speaking of that, what is the plan?”

  “As of right now, I'm just trying to keep ou
r two families from killing each other. After everything is done, I'm hoping to send Tristan and maybe John or Will out to the other packs along the East coast. Start making contact and find out what is actually happening. We're going to have to prepare ourselves if this takes off the way Jason intended it to. But it's not just the wolf packs I'm worried about. Jason kept several humans in his pocket, not just the two that attacked Jaime. We've tried tracking them but it seems they've skipped town.”

  “Jaime's attackers have been arrested, right?”

  “Yeah. They were charged with breaking and entering and aggravated assault. I think their trial date is set for early February.”

  “Are they still ranting about the wolfman?” Thomas’ expression turned suddenly grave.

  I nodded. “Apparently they've threatened their attorneys and several police. They keeping saying that Jason will turn them into werewolves and when he does, they will get their revenge. So far the police just think they're nuts but honestly, we're going to be walking a very fine line for a while.”

  “Where does Jaime fit in all of this?” Thomas' question caught me off guard.

  The dream I had in August came back to me. I had the blood of several people on my hands now, not just Jaime. Though he survived the gunshot and was well into his recovery, I had avoided him for several weeks. I couldn't bring myself to talk to him. Not after what happened. I had brought him into my world when I was more human than beast. Everything was different now.

  “I don’t think he does.” I murmured, turning away.

  *

  I spent that night alternating between staring at the knotted patches of my ancient quilt and my bedside lamp, thinking non-stop about the future. The possibility of a coming war, maintaining two packs whose animosity raged worse than any river, and Jaime, my human lover. The prophetic confrontation between Jaime, Gavin, and Thomas replayed over and over in my mind.

  He will never be able to understand you. Not in the way you deserve.

  What did I deserve, really? I was no longer just a hunter; I was a true killer. Jaime could never love me if he knew the whole truth. His humanity would never allow it. That fantasy I had built of us was as fragile as butterfly wings. A touch is all it takes to damage such a thing and I had smashed mine with a hammer the day I unleashed my wolf. Even I was human enough to know this.

  And you will spend years walking a line that he won't ever be able to cross.

  I had wanted my future to be mine alone. But what did that mean to me now that I was more animal than human?

  More than a few times Daniel’s face crept into my thoughts. I told myself from the beginning that I didn’t trust him. But now, after everything that happened, I was starting to wondering if was me I hadn’t trusted. Daniel represented everything I wanted – freedom to simply be.

  Around five a.m. I got up. The pine floor was cold as I stood so put on my moccasins. I listened for a moment at my door to ensure I was the only one awake before creeping down the stairs toward the kitchen.

  A cup of chamomile tea would surely help me relax. My body felt heavy and worn-out but I couldn’t lie in bed anymore. The tea was hot and soothing as I sipped it alone in the darkness. As I set my cup down I stared at the tiny ripples that formed, watching a little too intensely. It was nonsensical to watch the little waves bounce back and forth but it was meditative in its mindlessness.

  There was a stir from down the hall. The creak of the floorboards and a groan as Granddad stood up told me that he too was awake. Softly thudding with each step Granddad walked down the hallway toward the dinning room.

  “Hey Sophie, do you mind if sit with you a while?”

  “Sure Granddad.” I replied unenthusiastically. I wanted to be left alone but I could never just dismiss my grandfather. We sat in silence though, me not wanting to vocalize all of the raging emotions and thoughts that were keeping me awake and Granddad too old and wise to interrupt my tormented mind. Or so I thought.

  “Sophie,” The sound of my name startled me even though I knew Granddad was sitting across the table from me. “Sophie, sometimes letting out the demons is freeing.” I couldn’t say anything. My mind raced to formulate a sentence, to put words together that could convey a complete thought. But I faltered. My mind and heart were too frayed.

  “Talk to me honey. There’s a reason why you’re still awake. I’m fairly certain I know that reason but honestly, it would be better for you to say it out loud, to own it.” His leathery, spotted hand softly embraced mine as he spoke.

  My grandfather was kind and good. Everyone who knew him spoke of him in terms of greatness. He was not the type of leader who would make my mistakes. He was better than that. Granddad was formidable, true, but he was patient; a natural leader who never seemed to lose his cool. Gavin knew how hard it would be to follow after Granddad. I never envied him that. I would never be Gavin and I would certainly never measure up to my grandfather. In that moment, I felt so hopeless.

  I gave into the tears that were fighting so hard to be released. My hands shook and I choked on the words “I ki-killed them, Granddad.” He was right. Speaking the words out loud, owning up to what I had done was horrifying and freeing at the same time. I felt as if a thousand weights were lifted off of me. My body didn’t feel so heavy and though I sobbed with my head in the crook of my arm, I felt released. I felt a warm, loving hand on the back of my head.

  “I know they were vile but they were still people. They had lives and a family, hopes and futures. They were my kind, Granddad. And now, their family is my responsibility! I have to look at their faces and know what I did. And the worse part of all is that I couldn’t stop myself. It was as if I became a machine – the first one, Jason, went down and something inside of me snapped. I let the wolf in me overrule my humanity.” I sobbed so hard that my head ached.

  My grandfather stroked my hair softly. Instead of making me feel better, I felt worse. I didn’t deserve his compassion or love. I was a monster. I never before felt the hideousness of my werewolf nature. But I felt it then. I was a verifiable horror. I could, with complete clarity, now see why the humans feared us – I was the epitome of their nightmarish writings.

  “Honey, I know what you’re going through.” Granddad barely whispered the words as he spoke. “I have killed before. The last time was quite a few years ago. You were too young to remember but I know your mom does.” I listened as his voice returned to a moment that I thought was impossible. “There was a boundary issue with another pack that had crept into the western portion of the state forest. It wasn’t a huge deal at first. The Alpha was named George Dubry.” My head shot up at this name.

  “George Dubry? From upstate New York?” I wiped my face with the sleeve of my shirt.

  “The same. He came to meet with me to discuss the boundary limits. You see, they were living out near Ashtabula, Ohio but they were being forced our way because of land development and a shortage of available game for hunting. I had no problem sharing a portion of the state park with them since they were a really small pack, only 5 people total. It was George, his wife Karen, their two teenagers, and Karen’s brother Patrick.

  Well Patrick didn’t like how the negotiations were working out. He wanted more land than I was willing to give. So he convinced George later that night to attack our house when we were asleep. They crept onto our property and caused a commotion outside. It was meant to draw us out so they could take us by surprise. It worked, too. Until I shifted and took Patrick down. He wasn’t a good fighter, no real skill in his attacks. But instead of forcing him into submission, I killed him. George said he realized the mistake he’d made. Personally I think he was too weak to try to take me himself. He promised me that we would never have another problem from them and they moved up to New York.”

  “You killed Karen’s brother?” I couldn’t imagine my grandfather hurting anything let alone the brother of a close friend. “How are you friends now?” I tried to wrap my head around the thought of Granddad fighting an
d killing.

  “Because that’s an Alpha’s job – to do whatever it takes to protect your family. I know that now and so does George. At the time, I had my daughter and five grandchildren to protect. None of you could defend yourselves so I did it for you. I hated myself afterwards. For a long time actually. I couldn’t stand to be alone because it left me too much free time to think about what I had done. But being with my family was excruciating because I didn’t feel that I deserved their love. I was hideous and despicable so how could anyone love me?

  “But I tell you what, you all are my whole life and I would do it again if I had to. I protected my pack, my family, just as you protected us when the time came.”

  “Then why does it feel like I'm being split in two?”

  “Because you have to come to terms with your dual natures. What you see as opposites are not so different. Your inner wolf gives you instincts that aren’t compatible with your human rationality. But remember that humans are equally as capable of evil as good. And they make their choices based on will instead of instinct.”

  “I don't want to be a murderer.” I said wiping away a few more tears.

  “Jason was killing innocent people for no other reason than a grudge against humanity.” He took my face in his hands. “If you hadn’t fought the way you did, more lives would have been lost; I’m sure of it. You took down the Alpha and his Second because they were a direct threat. He was the murderer, not you. And remember, you had the chance to kill Daniel, too but you didn't. He didn't deserve to die and you knew that.”

  He sighed and sat back in his chair. “There’s a reason why female Alphas are rare. Because women’s hearts and minds are one. Men are more able to separate the two. I’m not saying either one is better so don’t look at me that way. But Sophie, if you are to be Alpha you will need to reconcile with yourself. Hold onto your humanity but don't fear the wolf. You will need her more than you know.” Granddad pulled me close with one warm, rough arm. His voice was tender in my ear. “And keep close those who will keep you.”