Ache for You (Trapped in Three Hill Book 1)

by Beaudet, Nancy

“I don’t know what you’re doing to me,” I told her honestly. “You make me happy, and it’s such a weird feeling. Mostly because it’s not so much happiness as it is looking forward to something. You’re so quick to bite me that I can’t help but want to make you angry or annoyed, but please tell me. Whatever did I do this time?” I was referring to the way she sighed after looking outside, becoming shy suddenly. I didn’t like her pretending to be shy or mousy around me.

  “You’re using me,” she whispered, grabbing my attention suddenly. We were in the produce section, and I stopped so suddenly I rammed my shopping cart into the ass of an old lady. She was bending down to look closer at a display. Her husband grumbled something at me. I wasn’t listening.

  “I’m not using you Caddie,” I told the truth stupidly and easily. I liked the idea of her being cross with me, but the idea of her hurting because of me was like being stabbed in the side. No fucking way.

  “You showed up at my place and came onto me. You inserted yourself into my life without asking.” I took what you were offering. I shut my mouth and closed my eyes, breathing her fire into me.

  She’s crossed her arms. She’s pouting. In front of my oranges and apples. Seriously.

  I’d never known a girl who could look semi-cute while pouting without making me angry. Most of the time when girls pouted it just annoyed me. I hated being pegged as the big bad guy, as if I had done something horrific if I didn’t blend to their way of thinking.

  We stopped shopping in amongst the fruits and veggies and headed towards the meats. I hadn’t cooked anything as of late. Ordering in or going out for food was just as easy but hardly ever cheap. My money train was slowing. I refused to borrow or beg. That just wasn’t my thing.

  “Are you going to ask anything?” I directed my question at Caddie, slowing so that she could walk right beside me instead of behind me, although her hands on my hips intrigued me.

  She kept finding excuses to touch me, sighing quietly whenever her skin brushed mine. I shared the strange relief. As if some big weight had settled on my chest but when Caddie touched me I felt like I could finally breathe. It was terrifying, addicting, strange, new and fascinating.

  She still hadn’t answered me about wanting to get anything. Her side of my cart is empty. I peer down into the mess of groceries. I know that she has a place she must stay, as she never said anything about needing to stay with me. I wonder if the place she’s staying is safe.

  I don’t know why this bothers me.

  “Hello? Earth to Caddie?” Her attention snaps back to me; she’d been picking at the skin of her lip quite violently.

  “Do you want me to take you home after?” Or you could just come with me? “I know you probably don’t want to come back to my place. I’m just going to unpack all this shit and go to sleep. Maybe finish cleaning?” Please come back to my place.

  Should I feel guilty for wanting such a thing? I want to feel guilty.

  I can’t think about the reason without completely breaking so I just push it to the brink of my memories. Everything is easier that way, walking around not quite numb, but somewhat empty.

  My heart wasn’t breaking because it had been broken already. Everything good in me had already ceased to be, until Caddie.

  Yeah, that wasn’t something I was willing to scream or even admit to myself in the dark of night, let alone in the light of day.

  I kept walking.

  “My car is at your place.” Cadence’s voice is sullen but not weak; I want to look deep into her eyes and see if they’re heavy with anything or everything that she keeps buried.

  Talk to me, I want to keep saying, but I know the best thing to do sometimes is not say anything. I make a U-turn through the deli and head back towards the tills to pay, pulling into a line of crying toddlers and pissed off looking old ladies. I take a moment to get a good look at everyone around me. Walmands is not a classy place by any means. No one dresses up before shopping, they dress down if anything.

  The woman in front of me is wearing leggings and forgot to put on underwear obviously. She’s not bad looking, but her curves are not mouth-watering, only distracting in the worst way, with the worst parts of her on full display. I know that someone could probably say the same thing about me.

  “I know what you’re doing,” says Caddie, whispering those sweet words teasingly as she stands on her tip toes to reach me. The difference in our heights is only made obvious when we’re both standing upright. I grin mischievously before my brain can sucker punch me.

  “You’re eye-judging that lady and I don’t appreciate it. Seriously Mal, people can see you and if you have a problem with big people wearing tight clothes you might want to glance down at the company you’ve dragged along with you. I wear tight clothes, and I would curl up on in on myself if I were being looked at the way you’re looking at that poor woman right now.”

  Her words are true. I can’t help myself.

  “I like when you wear tight clothes though. You look hot as hell in spandex, especially my spandex and if I ever catch you wearing something loose fitting, I’ll rip it at the seams. Understand me? I’m not judging anybody.” I wasn’t lying, and I was maybe. Straight through my perfect teeth.

  I was cocky and proud of my body. It was one of the things that she always hated most about me. She being the center of my being. I breathed in deeply as the pain overtook me, looking down at my sad groceries.

  “Let’s go.” I heard myself say. “I don’t have time to stand in line all day; I’ll drop you off at your place. You can come get your car later or tomorrow. There’s somewhere I’ve got be.”

  There wasn’t really.

  Trust Me, Please? - Cadence

  He left me at my place. I gave him directions, but he stayed quiet the entire way. This got to me.

  “Did I do something?” I almost screeched when Mal slammed on the breaks, reaching past me to unlock my door and push it open for me. He was trying to get rid of me. He fucked me, used me. Ran me dry and screamed at me and now he was dumping me.

  Great.

  Thanks.

  All in the span of like a day. Jesus Christ.

  “What? No, I just need some head-space. I need to think. I’ll call or something,” he lied. I never gave him my number, and he had never asked. He asked for my address and I rattled it off to him.

  He asked out of convenience. That was it. I wanted there to be more to it but there wasn’t. Not in the slightest. What the fuck was going on in my head? I couldn’t grasp the thoughts and feelings that all felt foreign.

  I felt like my head and my heart, had been invaded by aliens. I grunted and got out, slamming the door shut behind me and hating his low riding car, getting out of it was never pretty.

  “Fuck you Malachi!” I screamed as loudly as I could through clenched teeth. I still felt like my heart was breaking when he sped away from me.

  My door was locked, and I didn’t have my keys or my purse or anything that could be of use to me.

  I banged on the door and screamed for Torrance to get his ass out of bed and let me in already. He wasn’t home apparently.

  “Fucking seriously?” I hit the door again just for good luck and turned on my heels, looking out into my parking lot. I could break in, but I didn’t have any tools for that. I also didn’t want to get arrested if one of my neighbours saw and decided to call the cops.

  Knowing my luck, that would totally happen.

  I stood on my front steps for half a minute and just contemplated my sad and pathetic existence. I was a complete and total loser at twenty-seven, how had this happened? How had I let it?

  I knew that I didn’t want to do anything about it simply because I wouldn’t, but I still wanted to hate on myself because of it. I am after all, a woman. Don’t we all do this? Find every flaw on our own retched skin and magnify it? I was used to doing this; I almost took comfort in it.

  I decided to head around back; I could break into one of the back windows without getting no
ticed. I was almost sure of it. I wasn’t the best at maintaining the yard or the garden, and neither was Torrance, so it was a mess to step through. I was only wearing my flip-flops, and they kept coming off. I had to pause to readjust them.

  Mal’s shirt got hung up on a branch whenever I dared to stop. I tried to keep a leash on my frustration. It wouldn’t do me any good to have a hissy fit in public. I rolled my eyes and tilted my head back, shielding the sun out of my vision with my hand. From this viewpoint, our place looked massive. An impenetrable prison even though I knew it wasn’t.

  I tried the back door first just because I’m not a total idiot, but stopped cold and dead when it slowly pushed open.

  It wasn’t locked.

  This was a hell of a shock.

  I called again for Torrance just because but when he didn’t respond I knew he was off doing whatnot. He never left anything unlocked; he was a super strict asshole about it more often than not. I was always the one to forget, only to be screamed at.

  I wish I knew what Torrance was so afraid of. For such a big guy, you’d think he wouldn’t be in fear of much but he obviously was. “Hello? Is anyone here? I’ve got a baseball bat and a knife.” I didn’t, but they didn’t need to know that. I walked in and kicked my shoes off, closing the door behind me and locking it. I walked straight forward into the kitchen to make myself a snack but was dumbfounded by the scent that seemed creased into every corner of it.

  Death and sadness. Both permanent.

  I blinked and looked around, covering my mouth and nose with my hands. The floor wasn’t exactly spotless, but it still wasn’t a mess. The counters had numerous piles of crap spread out over them. This was normal; I was used to my place looking like this. What I wasn’t used to was the flash that blinded me for half a second. Green and black, a painting of misery and blackness. A paintbrush smearing on a blank canvas. I saw my death. All of it. I saw myself getting wasted and covering myself in vomit when I puked. I was alone in my kitchen, half naked. The top of my dress had come undone by unclean hands, and I was now a dirty angel on the linoleum.

  I blinked again and stepped back.

  The floor was halfway clean again and the smell of rotting flesh no longer as persistent. I couldn’t believe what I had just witnessed, or imagined. I couldn’t find the difference between the two. I felt like I was going to be sick all over again.

  “Cadence?” I turned at the sound of my name being said, but it wasn’t a man who said or groaned it. I was used to that.

  It was just nothingness.

  Patience - Mal

  I headed to my once favourite spot, the spot that I now hated. I drove there going way beyond the legal limit. Darkness was setting in, and I almost laughed, it was a Saturday night, and this was how I was choosing to spend it.: alone in my Chevy™ racing into madness. Directly into it.

  Buffalo Falls isn’t a grand tourist attraction. It never has been, but the recent events of its past had tried to change that. Thank God they didn’t, turns out most people were still halfway decent.

  I drove straight for it even though I wanted to stop and have a piss. I didn’t, I just held it. Blasting the radio before getting sick of it, I reached over in to my glove compartment, searching for music and silence and the best of both of it.

  I finally settled on a CD by Deciding darkness Flo loved this kind of shit, and I loved her for it. I skipped ahead to track seven, a song titled Breakfast and just listened to the beauty of it.

  The next song was called in my head I let my mind sink into the abyss of blackness it always carried with it.

  Inside of my head you live/we have no time to go over this.

  What was it I felt for Cadence? I couldn’t understand, but I knew for some reason that it had something to do with the grief battling its way into my chest. I already had a home for it.

  I almost welcomed it. The highway felt deserted, but I knew that it wasn’t, cars passed me in blurs, but I failed to notice. My ears were only attuned to the music. My hands had started to twitch.

  Cadence fits into the darkness. That was the only thought in my head that seemed to make sense, even though I couldn’t fathom my meaning behind it. I saw the green sign glowing up again.

  Buffalo Falls, next exit.

  I signalled and headed straight for it.

  Wait for It - Cadence

  I showered and got dressed, pulling on a pair of soft shorts and a tank top, and one of my favourite thin baby blue t-shirts over it. I looked into the bathroom mirror, seeking my reflection.

  My hair was still a mess, but I liked the bravery that I felt edging from every strand. I pushed the excess skin on my neck back, tilting my head and searching for bruises that I knew no longer existed.

  Mal didn’t have a heavy and violent hand but most men that I had been with had. They used strength to pin point my weaknesses. I had tons of them. My body was mistake ridden.

  I shook my shoulders and breathed my energy in. I could do this, I could stand up straight and strong and pretend like I deserved to do exactly that, even though I knew that I didn’t.

  I left my bathroom light on and headed into the kitchen again. I grabbed a diet sprite and went into the living room to have a nap. I sat on the couch, but it was only a minute before I ended up on my back, again.

  I stared at the ceiling and tried to find meaning in it—a hidden pattern, something special and unique to the thoughts in my head.

  Nothing happened.

  I wanted to talk to someone. I wanted to talk to Torrance, and I wanted to talk to Alex. I wanted to call my parents, but I knew by glancing at the clock that it was too late for that. I rolled over onto my stomach and reached for the house phone we kept plugged into the living room for some strange reason. It’s not like we needed it, we each had cell phones and a computer to Facestory message for help if needed it.

  I picked up the receiver and started dialing a number without understanding how I knew it, I just did. I felt like I had dialed it a hundred times in the last twenty minutes. It rang and rang, and I let it. His voice is clipping on the other end as he told me to leave a message.

  I didn’t. Instead, I hung up and tried and tried again. I got nothing but his voice and the gnawing pit in my stomach.

  I kept calling him. I couldn’t help it. I knew that this made me look psychotic, but I didn’t give a shit. I just needed to talk to him; I needed to know where he was headed. I needed to understand everything he was trying too hard to keep hidden. I needed to understand him and for some reason I felt like I already did. The fiftieth time his voice clipped I did leave a message. Again, I simply couldn’t help it. I just wanted him to hear it.

  “Hey Mal, it’s Cadence. I know this seems awkward, and I swear I didn’t look up your phone number, I just knew it. I don’t know how I knew it, but that isn’t the point of this very one-sided conversation.” I took a deep breath in and started to play with my spare hand.

  “I can’t stop thinking about your kiss. I felt alive when my lips touched your lips, and I felt happiness and depression and warmness. I felt whole for half a minute and I want to do it again. There’s some things we’re going to talk about if we’re going to be friends, but frankly I’d understand if you didn’t want to be even that. I know you’re probably freaked out by all of it, but I love…” I love you, man, I almost said, but I stopped myself before that could happen. I couldn’t love Mal, I hardly knew him and yet I felt like I did for some strange reason. “Anyway, call me when and if you get this.” I hung up and felt like a total idiot. I can’t believe that I just did that.

  And yet I did.

  I have officially lost it.

  Accept It - Mal

  I don’t know what I had expected this place to give, but nothingness just wasn’t it. I couldn’t even see the bottom in the darkness, but I knew that later my heart would thank me for this.

  I didn’t want to see how far my best friend had fallen, but I already had. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to stand a f
resh image. Memories are easier to subside when they are less vibrant.

  I know this.

  I leave Buffalo Falls the way I found it. With an empty head and a thousand unanswered questions. My chest ached with every movement, but I did my best to ignore it. It felt like forever since I had done this, just gravelled in my loneliness, totally ready to drown in it.

  It was a relief to stop fighting it for half a second. I let it in, I accepted it.

  My life was utter shit.

  It hadn’t always been, but lately I just looked around and saw only that which was meaningless: school, my place, my reflection.

  My thoughts didn’t just suddenly turn to Cadence because they had never let her begin with. She was every star in my sad imagination. She was the water and the wind, and I didn’t fucking understand it.

  There was no loss when she was touching me, skin on skin. We had barely even done anything, and I wanted to do it again. When she kissed me, it was like all the shit had never happened, as if the loss of my best friend was just a nightmare I couldn’t get out of my head. The way I felt around Cadence wasn’t new, but I wasn’t used to feeling it. The only other person who had ever made me feel like that was dead.

  Pray for It - Cadence

  I woke up to a pounding that for once wasn’t in my head, I was still on the couch. Still on my stomach. I had no idea what time it was, but I got up just for the hell of it. “What do you want?” I called as the pounding stopped and started once again. I knew it was coming from the front door, but I headed to the back because I was simply a chicken shit.

  I touched the lock and turned around again, the sound of a man breathing was persistent and desperate. Unforgiving at its finest.

  I knew who was at the door before I even found the courage to open it. When I finally did open it, I felt my heart shatter in my chest. Mal looked back at me with sadness in his eyes, but his body felt like the humming of an engine. He rushed towards me with his eager grasp, and I sunk right into it like an idiot.