by Lesley Jones
“No? No fucking way?”
I nodded. He grinned.
“Fuck, my sperm are supersonic. You’re pregnant?”
I nodded again. “That’s why you’re crying?”
Another nod.
“But we said we’d have one more.”
“The twins are only just over three months old, they won’t even be one when this new baby’s born.”
“Babe, Carter’ll be at school full time. You’ll be fine. We’ve got this. We’ve got this like we’ve got everything else that’s been thrown our way.”
“I’m scared.”
“What have I told you, pretty girl? Don’t be scared, don’t ever be scared. There’s you, and there’s me, and now there’s our babies. It’s all gonna be good.”
And it was. I had a textbook pregnancy. No sickness. No high blood pressure, and no C-section. After a four-hour labour with just gas, air, and a whole lot of swear words, Lucas Jackson Delaney was born ten days after his due date and weighed a healthy six pounds eight ounces. Our family was complete.
***
Having four children all under the age of five was exhausting, especially as Carter had started school in the September, which meant I had to have four children up and out by eight thirty every morning.
Liam had taken two weeks off after Lucas was born which had been a massive help. Because everything had been straightforward that time around, we were allowed home after just twelve hours and had soon all settled into a routine quickly. Liam had gone back to work the day before, which was the last time I had seen him. I was in bed when he got home and still sleeping when he went back out that morning. I also knew he was going to be late that night because he had a meeting in the city. It was my first full day alone with all four of my children, but I felt good about things. The morning had gone well, with no dramas and Carter had been dropped off in plenty of time to start his day.
We had figured out a routine for loading and unloading a car full of children, and after returning from the school pick up, I took Carter and the baby into the house first and then went back for the twins.
I had left a sleeping Lucas in his car seat on the kitchen floor and asked Carter to be a big boy and watch him for me. I managed to get both twins out of the car, but as I was trying to shut the car door without dropping anything or anyone, Lucas started to scream.
He was hysterical in his car seat by the time I got into the house, and Carter was in the pantry, looking for food as was normal when he first got home from school.
“What happened, little man?”
I undid the harness and lifted him out. “Carter what happened, big man? Why’s the bubby crying?”
“I don’t know. Can I have a narna?”
“Did you eat the one in your lunch box?”
He nodded.
“No, then. I have some grapes in the fridge, want those?” He nodded again.
With a now calming Lucas cradled in one arm, I used my free hand to slice grapes into quarters and divided them into three bowls. I then had to put the baby back into his car seat, listen to him scream blue bloody murder, wrangle the twins into their high chairs, and sit Carter at the table. When the twins and Carter were situated with their grapes, I bent to pick Lucas up again. It was as I was taking his coat off that I found the bite mark across two of his knuckles. A couple of the indentations had broken the skin, and the rest looked purple and very sore.
“Carter!” I never shouted at the kids, but the mumma bear inside me was raging. It didn’t matter in that single red-tinged moment that Carter was one of my own, my instinct was to defend the baby. So yeah, I shouted out his name, which made all the kids jump and the youngest three started to cry.
My eldest stared at me wide eyed.
“Did you bite the baby?” I asked in a quieter voice.
He looked around the room before finally making eye contact with me.
“Na ah.” He shook his head. “It was Archie.”
“Please don’t lie to me. Archie was still outside when he screamed, and he doesn’t have enough teeth yet any way.”
I was arguing with a four-year-old.
Carter shrugged his shoulders and carried on eating his grapes, looking completely unrepentant. I stood and stared at him for a while, wondering why in the world he would bite his brother. I had no idea, and no clue how to handle the situation, either. Another one of those moments where I missed my mum hit me, so I decided to call Nan, who picked up on the second ring.
“Hey, Nan. It’s me.”
“Hey, gorgeous girl. How’s the tribe?
“They’re not bad. Today’s the first day I’ve really been on my own with them. Liam left early this morning for a meeting in the city and won’t be back until late tonight.”
“How you coping?”
I looked around to check that Carter was out of earshot before I continued.
“Well, everything was going great, but Carter just bit the baby, and I’ve no clue how to handle it.”
“Oh shit. That’s not good.”
“He’s totally denied doing it, too.” I was doing great, and out of nowhere, I burst in to tears as I was talking to my nan. “He’s got teeth marks in his tiny little fingers, Nan, and I feel like such a bad Mum. Why would Carter do something like that?”
“Oh, sweetheart. Don’t get so upset. He’s probably just feeling a little bit jealous. You’re a great mum, the best. This isn’t your fault. Most kids through these little stages.”
“Did I?”
“Your circumstances were a bit different. Luke was a lot older than you, so he didn’t really have anyone around to take it out on.”
“Was he jealous of me when I was born?”
My nan let out a long sigh as I chewed on the skin at the edge of my thumb nail.
“He wasn’t, Sarah, not ever. From the very day you were born, all that boy ever wanted to do was protect you, but like I said, your circumstances were a whole lot different to Carter’s.”
“Great, so even a shitty parent like my mother can manage to raise children that aren’t spiteful, unlike me, who’s a complete failure.”
“Now, you just stop that. You are not a failure—far bloody from it.”
We were both quiet for a few moments.
“Look, I’m no expert, but what I would do is spend a little bit of one-on-one time with him when the other babies are sleeping. Have a little chat with him and explain that biting just isn’t on. Not just regards to the baby, you should make it clear that he’s not to bite anyone.”
“Okay, I can do that.”
“And please stop blaming yourself.”
That, I wasn’t so sure I could do, but I didn’t voice that fear. Not to my nan not to anyone.
“I’ll try. Thanks for the chat.”
“Anytime. Now go kiss all those babies for me, make a cup of tea, and go spend a bit of time with your first born.”
“I will. Love you.”
“Love you, too.”
I ended the call and made my way down to the playroom, where Carter was now on the floor building something out of Lego.
“What d’ya fancy for dinner tonight, mate? You can choose anything you like.”
Carter looked up at me and rolled his lips together for a few moments. He looked so much like his dad that it caused my heart to ache with how much I was missing him. Things were great between us, they always were when he took time out from work. I was just worried about them staying that way, now that he’d returned.
“Can we have fish fingers and mashed potatoes and peas please, Mummy?”
“We sure can. If you eat it all up, I might even be able to find you some ice cream cake for dessert, sound good?”
He nodded without looking back up at me.
“Thanks, mum.”
I watched him play for a few moments, still wondering what had gone through his head to make him want to bite his baby brother. He’d never been a spiteful kid. He played rough with Liam and my brother, but t
hey were adults. He’d always been gentle around the twins, and I’d never had complaints from other parents at the playgroup or since he’d started school, so I was at a complete loss.
I needed to tell Liam about it, but I didn’t want to interrupt his meeting, so I decided to leave it until he got home from work that night. This was something we needed to discus, and decide on the best way forward together. I was still trying to work out the whys as I bathed and put them all to bed. I made sure to spend extra time with Carter. I let him have extra time in the bath without the twins and then read him two stories before he fell asleep.
I struggled to stay awake for Lucas’s last feed at eleven and must have fallen asleep with him still latched on to me. I felt Liam lift him gently out of my arms and clip my maternity vest back in place. He kissed me softly on the lips and switched out the lamp. A moment later, the bed dipped beside me, and I was enveloped in my husband’s arms and scent as he kissed my shoulder
I woke to the sound of muffled voices and bright sunlight. The baby’s crib was empty and a check of my phone told me it was just after ten in the morning. Panicking that Carter had missed the start to the school day and trying not to flip the fuck out over the whereabouts of my newborn. I rushed downstairs, calming a little as I heard Liam’s voice.
I entered the family room, MTV was blaring “Gangnam Style” from the telly, while Liam and Carter did their own interpretation to the dance in front of it. The twins were each in their highchairs with what looked like Weetabix smooshed all over their faces and in their hair, the pair of them were laughing hysterically at their dad and older brother. Lucas was sound asleep in his bouncy chair, completely unaware of the chaos happening around him.
I remained silent, standing back and taking a few moments to appreciate the people I loved most in the world. I was bone tired, still bleeding heavily after the birth of my fourth baby in four and a half years, desperately in need of a cut and colour. I couldn’t even remember the last time I had shaved my legs, I had nail polish missing from at least seven of my toes and would have killed for a mani and a pedi, but none of that mattered because I had this. My handsome husband and my beautiful boys, my world.
“Mummy.”
Carter called after spotting me from the corner of his eye and launching himself at me. Liam turned, and my eyes took him in, just as the song on the telly changed to Labrinth’s “Beneath Your Beautiful”. He held his hand out.
“Dance with me, pretty girl.” Carter climbed up onto the sofa, clapping his hands and shouting at us to dance, so I stepped into Liam’s waiting arms. He wrapped them around me. His hand slid down to my bum, and he pulled me closer so he could kiss me gently on the mouth.
“Daddy. You’re touching Mummy’s booty.” Carter laughed.
“Who taught my child that word?” I asked, my face pressed against my husband’s bare chest.
“Who told you to call it a booty, big man?” Liam asked him.
“Uncle Luke.”
“There ya go.”
“Why aren’t you at work?”
“It’s Saturday, I stayed late last night and got everything done that I needed to so I wouldn’t have to go in this morning.”
“I’ve lost track of the days.”
“I’m not surprised. Things have been a little hectic around here.”
“Just a little. Thanks for letting me sleep in.”
“No worries, the kids have been fed and the breakfast dishes loaded into the dishwasher. I can’t believe you slept through the noise they were making earlier. You obviously needed the rest. How you feeling, you look a little pale.”
“Drained, but I’m good.”
“I was thinking that maybe today we could put up the decorations and then tomorrow we can go and pick a tree and take this one to see the big man in red?”
“That sounds like a perfect weekend.”
2013
Christmas was chaotic, but our New Year’s Eve was quiet. Sasha, who never did finish with Shain, had finally taken the plunge and moved to Australia to be with him.
Luke was still “seeing” Grace, but they hadn’t moved in together, and I had given up trying to work out what he wanted from their relationship. Not that he was all that open with me anymore, though. Luke and I weren’t as close as we used to be. I knew that he was working all the time and probably didn’t feel the need to protect me now that I was married, but it wasn’t just him who was pulling away. I figured I still blamed him a little bit for Liam missing out on the birth of the twins and for the fact that I’d been left on my own to deal with Grandad’s death. He was my brother and I loved him, but I resented him just a little bit too.
Nan was living in a retirement village. She had her own little one-bedroom bungalow and was self-sufficient but with the added bonus of an onsite doctor, day centre, gym, and a swimming pool, all within a gated community. It meant she kept the independence she insisted upon but had companionship on her doorstep.
Liam had taken two weeks off over the Christmas holidays and had spent a lot of one-on-one time with Carter. He was still being a little aggressive, and it wasn’t just towards Lucas anymore. It was towards Archer and Flynn, too. Despite both Liam and me talking to him and trying to get to the bottom of it, we were still at a loss as to why.
I was just heading in to see my doctor for a check up, when my phone rang. I rummaged in the hood of the pushchair for my phone, and my stomach dropped when I saw who was calling.
“Hello.”
“Mrs Delaney?”
“Speaking.”
“Good morning, Mrs Delaney, it’s Ms Winshaw, Head of King Charles Preparatory School. How are you?”
Tired. Exhausted. Over it . . .
“I’m good. What can I do for you?”
I tried to remember if I’d paid the fees. I was sure we set them up as a direct debit, and I definitely remembered to pack Carter his lunch that morning.
“I was wondering if there was any chance that you or Mr Delaney could come in for a quick chat regarding Carter.” My stomach twisted itself into a tight little knot, and my head began to pound.
“Of course. Is there a problem?”
“Well, we’re having a few concerns regarding Carter’s behaviour at the moment, and we’d just like clarification on what he’s got going on in his life right now so we know best how to help him through this difficult stage.”
“Difficult stage?”
“I’d really rather not go into details over the phone, when do you think you or your husband could make it in?”
I could feel and hear my blood whoosh through my ears. I wanted to defend my child and shout down the phone that he wasn’t going through a “difficult” stage, but I knew better.
“I’ll have to check with my husband and get back to you.”
“Okay then, Mrs Delaney, I’ll expect your call. Good day to you.”
“Bye.”
I ended the call and walked in to see my doctor with a million scenarios of what Carter might have been up to running through my mind. I was so distracted that I forgot to mention the bone-weary tiredness and the strange heavy feeling I seemed to have pressing down on me. All thoughts of telling him about how some mornings I didn’t want to get out of bed and just wanted to hide from the world and sleep, were gone. But at least I was cleared to get back on the pill and resume my sex life, which would have been fantastic news if only I had the time, energy or inclination for sex.
After I managed to wrangle all the kids back into the car, hand out snacks, and give Lucas a bottle, I popped into Liam’s office, which was right around the corner. The reception area was empty, but there was laughter coming from one of the meeting rooms. I put my head around the door of Liam’s office, but that too was empty, so I continued to wait in the reception area and tried to control Archie and Flynn as they helped themselves to the water and mints that were sitting on the coffee table in front of the sofa in the waiting area.
A door flew open and Liz stepped through
it. She looked a little taken aback when she saw me. It was a strange look that only lasted a second, but before I could ask her what was wrong, Flynn reached for another handful of mints and I turned to stop him.
“Sarah, hi. How are you?”
“Good thanks. Is Liam about, or Luke?”
“Um, yeah, sure. They’re just finishing up on a conference call. They shouldn’t be too long.”
“Thanks. Is it okay to wait in his office?”
“Yeah, sure. Let’s have a little look at this new baby first.”
Another younger girl who I didn’t know came out of the meeting room. She gave me a smile before sitting quietly at a desk. Liz took Lucas out of my arms to hold.
“Wow, they’re all so much like Liam.”
I knelt down and quickly collected the glass Archie had just rolled across the carpet and pulled out a tissue to wipe up the water Flynn had just spat over a pile of industry magazines that were sitting on a side table.
My heart rate seemed to accelerate exponentially, and I started to feel too warm.
I should have better control of my kids.
I should have strapped them in their pushchair.
I shouldn’t have come.
One-year-old twins and a newborn had no place in a corporate office. Whatever was I thinking bringing them here?
I had a tight grip on Archie’s hand and made a grab for the hood of Flynn’s coat as he reached for the plant sitting in the corner. Flynn had a thing for greenery and had our tree over three times at Christmas.
Just as I was pulling him backward, there was a lot of noise behind me, and I glanced over my shoulder to see Luke come through the door first. He didn’t see me straight away as he was looking down at his phone. Aiden, one of their newer recruits was next, and then Mel and Liam, who had his arm thrown over the shoulder of Cassie, the part-time receptionist. My whole body froze as she threw her head back and laughed at whatever my husband had just said to her.
“Sunshine?” My eyes swung to meet Luke’s. “Fuck, you okay? You look...”
“I’m fine,” I mumbled.
Cassie had stopped laughing and Liam had removed his arm from her shoulder by the time I looked back at them, but the damage was done, and the rot set in. My mind reeled with the possibilities of what I had just witnessed—none of which were good.