by Lesley Jones
“Sarah?” I relinquished my hold on Flynn and let him launch himself at Liam, who held our small, sticky son at arm’s length.
“Woah there, tiger. Look at the state of you, what’s that you’re wearing all down ya, banana?”
“Narna,” Flynn repeated.
“Let’s get you cleaned up.”
I took Lucas from Liz.
“Thanks,” I said with a small smile and proceed to follow Liam into his office.
“Oh, Sarah, you’ve got something . . .” Liz started to say.
“Oh my God, you’ve got baby vomit all down your back and in your hair. Gross.” I turned around as Mel laughed. “Gross,” she repeated, covering her mouth and nose with one perfectly manicured hand.
My eyes landed on Luke’s and he took three long strides towards me, took Archie from my grasp, and steered me into Liam’s office.
“You okay?”
No. I was not.
I wanted to get out of there.
I didn’t belong in the world of grown-ups.
My place was at home, pumping out babies and breast milk.
“What’s wrong?”
“Life. Everything.” I shrugged my shoulders, but I knew he saw that tremble in my lips as I fought not to cry. “I’ll be fine, just tired.” I waved away his concern and blinked rapidly to halt the tears.
Liam emerged from his bathroom with a clean and fresh-faced Flynn.
“Hey, bub. You go to the doctors this morning?” Liam asked as he moved in and kissed me gently on the lips.
“Doctors? Please tell me you’re not pregnant again? You look dead on your feet as it is.”
Liam seemed to flinch at Luke’s words. Did I look that fucking bad? I couldn’t even remember checking the mirror that morning before I left the house.
My hand went to my hair, and I realised I didn’t put it up like I usually did. I couldn’t even remember running a brush through it.
“No. Definitely not pregnant. My shops shut. Liam’s gonna go and get the snip. I think we’ve done our bit for the population.”
“The snip, eh? Good man. Better than putting her through any more.” Luke winked at me as Liam rolled his eyes at my brother.
“Take that cardigan off, Sunshine. I’ll give it a wipe.” I pulled off the skinny cotton cardigan I was wearing and handed it to my brother. And just to add to my humiliation, it was then that I looked down at my top and found that not only was I wearing it inside out, but also backwards.
The twins were let lose to run amuck around Liam’s office, and I watched in a haze of exhaustion and hurt as he moved anything breakable out of their reach. They found the box of toys that he kept there for whenever the boys visited and sat down to play noisily. Liam came over and took Lucas from me, holding our youngest close to his chest.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” He reached out and tucked some hair behind my ear. I flinched. It was the same hand that was flung over Cassie’s shoulder. I didn’t want it touching me. I didn’t want it near my children really, either, but I had no choice but to watch as Liam patted Lucas’s back with it.
“Bub?”
“The school called.” I grasped at the only thing that wasn’t accusations.
“What? Why?”
“They want one of us to go up for a meeting to discuss the ‘difficult’ phase Carter is going through.” I used air quotes for the word difficult.
“Fuck. What’s he done?”
“She wouldn’t say.”
“I’ll call them and see if I can get up there tonight.”
“Thanks.”
He gave a small laugh. “Don’t thank me, he’s my kid, too.”
“Well, thanks for taking this one on. It’s a bit hard for me to sit and have a meeting with anyone when I have to take these three everywhere I go.”
“I’ll sort it. Don’t worry, it’ll be something and nothing. I wish we hadn’t sent him to that stuck-up place to be honest with ya.”
“It’s a good school.”
“It’s full of obnoxious little English brats whose parents are even more obnoxious and even bigger English brats.”
“Oh, so let’s blame the English now, shall we?”
“Oh, come on, Sarah. They’re a bunch of fucking snobs up there—stuck-up English pricks, the lot of them.”
“Well, your kids happen to be English, as is your wife and your business partner, so we can’t be that fucking bad, can we?” I screamed at him.
“Sarah.” Luke stepped out of the bathroom and shouted my name. “Keep it the fuck down.”
Tears spilled over and ran down my face. I snatched my cardigan from my brother as he held it out to me and pulled it on without bothering to turn my other top the right way.
“Boys, say goodbye to Daddy and Uncle Luke, we’re going.”
I felt so humiliated. Humiliated hurt, angry and tired.
“I’ll walk you out,” Liam said as he headed towards the door.
“Don’t fucking bother.”
I gave my brother a kiss, and he pulled me in for a cuddle. “We don’t seem to see enough of each other these days.”
“Well, you know where to find me. It’s not like I ever go anywhere.”
“I’ll be round. I love you.”
“Love you, too.”
Liam followed me out, despite my telling him not to. He helped me strap the kids into their seats, but when he attempted to kiss me goodbye, I snapped, “Fuck off and kiss Cassie.”
I slammed the door of my car and locked it before he could pull it back open. Then I drove away, leaving him standing there, watching me with his hands pushed down deep into his trouser pockets.
After leaving the house at eight thirty that morning, I finally picked Carter up at school, treated the kids to a happy meal from the drive through, finally arriving back home at four. Once they ate, I gave them quick baths and put them to bed early. I forced myself into a shower and climbed into bed at seven o’clock. Thinking about how much of a failure I was at life, I cried myself to sleep.
Luke was leaning with his arse against my desk when I stepped back into my office, so I shut the door behind me and pressed my back against it.
“What the fuck was that all about? Seriously, you need to get her a nanny or a housekeeper or something. She looks fucking exhausted.”
I didn’t have a response. Sarah did look exhausted. She looked pale and almost lifeless, which wasn’t something I hadn’t noticed until I saw her outside our home and standing next to the women in our office, who were typically way over dressed.
I couldn’t believe she said that to me about Cassie, either. What she saw was completely innocent. Sarah and my kids were my fucking world. Other women didn’t exist for me—it didn’t matter if she were around or not.
“Our lives have been a little crazy these past few years with the kids and your grandad. She’s worried about your nan, and now Carter’s having some issues. I think it’s all just caught up with her.”
“Your lives have been crazy? Your lives have been fucking fertile, dude, that’s what they’ve been. You seriously need to go and get your nuts chopped, because I swear to god, you knock her up one more time, and I’ll be ripping your dick and your bollocks off.”
I rubbed the back of my neck with my hand and moved towards my desk, not wanting to have this discussion with him but giving him a tight nod in acknowledgment. I felt a great big knot of emotion form in my throat. I really was the worst fucking husband on the planet.
“What’s going on with Carter then?”
“He’s been really aggressive with the twins, spiteful—he even bit the baby.”
“Carter? That’s not like him.”
“Nah, I know, and now the school wants to see one of us to discuss his issues.”
He shook his head. “Carter doesn’t have any issues. He’s just a normal little boy who’s had his mum and dad all to himself for three years and now he’s suddenly having to share them with three little brothers.”
/> “We’ve tried making a fuss of just him. I take him out on his own without the others when I can.”
There was a knock on my office door, and Mel poked her head in.
“Oh, sorry. Just wanted to let you know the contracts have been signed on those four units in Chillagoe.”
“Cheers, Mel.”
“Mel, before you go can you come in and close the door for a sec, please?” Luke asked without turning around to look at her.
She did as he asked and walked towards us with a frown. Luke turned in his chair slightly and looked her up and down.
“You ever, ever speak to or attempt to humiliate my sister like that again, you will be out of here so fast those long skinny legs of yours won’t know what’s hit them.”
I sat back in my chair and watched the exchange, not having a clue what was going on.
Mel’s cheeks flushed, and she folded her arms in front of her chest, cocking one hip to the side.
“She had baby puke all down her back, it was gross. Am I not allowed an opinion?”
“What happened?” I asked.
“Lucas had obviously puked over Sarah’s shoulder, and it had gone down her back. Mel decided to broadcast it across the office and let everyone know how disgusted she was.”
For the first time in my life, I wanted to punch a woman. Sarah would’ve been mortified.
“You did what?”
“All I said was that it was gross. Having sick all down your back is gross. She doesn’t even work here, so you can’t sack me for that anyway.”
Luke bolted upright from his chair and stood right in front of her.
“Sarah is the wife of one of your bosses and the sister of another, and it wouldn’t matter if she were a homeless person from the street, she’s a human fucking being and you will treat her with some respect. Do I make myself clear?”
“As crystal.”
“Good. Get out.”
She left, slamming the office door behind her.
“Your wife has had a really shitty day. Why don’t you finish early, buy her flowers, a nice bottle of wine, and go home early.”
“I need to go up the school and sort this shit out with Carter. I’ll hang around till then.”
He stood and nodded. “Buy her some flowers.”
“I will, and thanks for that with Mel. I had no idea.”
“No worries, it’s what big brothers are for.”
Luke left my office, and I called the school. No one could see me tonight, so I made an appointment for tomorrow afternoon instead. I then looked online for local house cleaners that also did ironing. I needed to find a few ways to lighten the load so that Sarah had a little less to do.
***
I stood in the school playground the following afternoon with my hands buried in the pockets of my pea coat. It was freezing, and the weather only added to my bad mood. I’d just had a meeting with Carter’s Head, who informed me that Carter had been picking on a few of the smaller kids with a bit of pushing and shoving.
I had never been able to abide bullies, and I wouldn’t have a kid of mine behaving like one. When he did it at home, I tried talking to him and telling him it was wrong, but that didn’t seem to be getting through, so tonight I was going to kill two birds with one stone and try a different tactic.
I got a few looks from some of the mums as I stood there, and it pissed me off even more than the cold weather and the shitty meeting. I had been up here every day for two weeks after Lucas was born, so they knew that I was Carter’s dad and Sarah’s husband, and yet they were looking at me as if I were the dish of the day. These were probably the same women that Sarah got coffee with a couple of times a week.
Did she stand here with them and look at the other dads when they came to pick their kids up?
There was a thin woman with dark hair and full-length leather coat who kept looking my way and licking her lips. It was actually making me physically shudder. I was gonna ask Carter later who she was and tell Sarah to stay the fuck away from her. She was supposed to be here to pick up her kid, not to pick up blokes.
I was only forced to stay there for a few more minutes longer before the bell rang.
“Daaaaaaaaad,” Carter shouted when he spotted me. I swooped him up into my arms and squeezed him tight.
“Thanks for coming to get me. I missed you this day and yesterday. You didn’t read me any stories this week.”
I felt a massive surge of guilt as I held on to my son and squeezed him just a little tighter. It was the first time that he’d ever voiced the fact that he’d been missing me, and it had me concerned that my being away from home so much was one of the reasons he’d been acting up.
“Hey, bud. I missed you so much, too. You had a good day?”
“Yeah. Why are you here?”
“We need to have a talk. A grown-up, man-to-man talk. That okay with you?”
“Hi, Carter. Bye, Carter,” a little girl with long dark plaits said as she skipped past.
“Bye, loser,” he called after her. She turned around and flipped her middle finger up at him. Carter, having no idea what that meant, stuck all ten of his up back at her. I was speechless.
“Who’s that, bud?”
“Oh, that’s just Isabella. She’s a girl, and she’s always mean. That’s okay, coz Mummy said that girls are only mean to boys that they like.”
“Is that right?” I gave a small laugh as I took his hand and led him towards the car. “It’s not nice to call people names though, even if they do like you.”
He nodded, and we headed to the car. I joined the queue of traffic to get out of the school and headed up to the high street.
“So listen, bud, we need to have a talk.”
I glanced at him in my rear-view mirror, but he just nodded and didn’t seem phased.
“Yeah. Man talk.”
“That’s right. Ya know before when we spoke about you being the big brother now and how it’s your job to look out for Archie, Flynn, and Lucas.”
He yawned and nodded.
“Are we getting a happy meal?”
“Nah, mate.”
“Ohhhh.”
He folded his arms and threw himself back in his seat.
“Listen, I need you to listen to me for a bit. Now, I know that you’re a big boy, and I know that you know it’s not right to push the kids that are smaller than you, not your brothers not anyone. Not boys not girls, no one. You know that, right?”
He closed his eyes for a long moment, let out a sigh, and said, “Yes, I know.”
“The school called Mummy and told her that you’ve been mean to some of the other kids and that you’ve been pushing them. Is that true?”
He looked out of the window and shrugged.
“You don’t know if you’ve been pushing some kids?”
“Maybe.”
“Well, that makes Mummy really sad—like really, really sad, and I think we need to go and buy her some flowers to make her happy. What d’ya reckon?”
He stretched up in his seat and looked out the windscreen.
“Can I get out?”
“Yeah you can get out, and we’re gonna go buy Mummy some flowers and when we get home, you’re gonna tell Mummy that you’re sorry and then you’re gonna promise to play nice with the other kids from now on.”
I swore the kid actually chewed on his lip and thought about his answer for a second or two. Then, he nodded and gave me a sheepish smile. He knew what he was doing wasn’t right, and I knew he was a good kid at heart.
We bought Sarah a huge bunch of flowers, a huge box of chocolates, and a bottle of her favourite wine.
I hadn’t seen her long enough to talk to since her comment about Cassie, so I wasn’t sure what sort of reception I was gonna get once we got home.
We arrived to find Sarah curled up in the corner of the sofa with the twins lying on her chest and Lucas next to her in the crib we keep downstairs.
As excited as Carter was to give Sarah her flowers a
nd her pink princess balloon he insisted she needed, I managed to convince him that we needed to go upstairs and change first. I then convinced him to go to the playroom and watch his shows while I made everyone some dinner.
Lucas stirred, and I rushed to get Carter from the playroom so he would be right there when Sarah opened her eyes.
“Here you go, Mummy, these are for you. I’m sorry the school called you up and it made you sad. I promise I’ll play nice with the other kids now.”
I lifted Archie and Flynn from her chest and laid them at the opposite end of the sofa, allowing her to sit up. She smiled and opened her arms to Carter.
“They’re for me? Oh my goodness, Carter, they’re beautiful. Thank you so much.”
He gave Sarah a kiss and a cuddle and then shot off back to the playroom to watch more of his shows.
I lifted her up and sat her in my lap, breathing in the scent of her skin, her hair, just her.
“How’d it go?”
“Yeah, he’s pretty much doing at school what he’s been doing here and picking on some littler kids.”
She leaned away from me so she could better look me in the face.
“Really? I wonder why. He’s always been such a friendly kid.”
“Yeah, Luke reckons he’s just had his nose put out a bit and is finding his feet. I guilt tripped him big time in the car, hence the flowers.”
“Let’s hope it works. What smells good, did you bring food in?”
“No. While you were sleeping, I cooked the chops that were in the fridge along with some green beans and mash.
“Shit, I must’ve been out cold.”
“You were.” I let out a long breath and made sure she was looking at me when I continued. “You do know that there’s absolutely nothing, and I do mean nothing, going on with me and Cassie, don’t you?”
She let out an equally long breath.
“No. I don’t know, Liam. You spend more time with the people you work with than you do with us. How could I know for sure that nothing is going on?”
“Because I’m fucking telling you, that’s how. I’m pissed off that you would even think that of me.”