Spiralling Skywards: Book Two: Fading (Contradictions Series 2)

by Lesley Jones

  I sometimes wonder what our fifth child would have been like, if we would have finally got a little girl. I’d never admit this to Sarah, of course, but it does sometimes cross my mind.

  James Arthur begins to sing, and Sarah climbs out of my lap. “Dance with me?” She holds out her hand and smiles down at me. I don’t hesitate. I stand and wrap my arms around her.

  “Remember how sick you were with Carter?”

  “I’ll never forget it.”

  “Every time I hear this song, I think of you, holding your hair back, rubbing your back, and bringing you water when you were sick.”

  “Every word in this song could’ve been written for us.”

  “It could. It’s why I always think of you—of us—whenever I hear it.”

  “And yet it all could’ve ended so differently.”

  “But it didn’t.”

  “No, it didn’t.”

  She smiles up at me and I pull her in close.

  “I love you a lottle, Sarah Delaney.”

  “I love you a lottle more.”

  TWO YEARS LATER

  The night is warm, but not so warm that we have to have the windows closed and the air conditioning cranking.

  I’m not sure what it is that woke me, the gentle breeze blowing in from the open balcony doors or the sound of the cicada’s and the oceans waves. I lie still and listen to the soothing sounds of both, after a few moments I realise that my husband is missing from our bed.

  I climb out of bed and pad quietly down the hallway to where I know that I’ll probably find him.

  I’m right.

  He’s stood with his back to me, facing the open window. The sounds of the Indian Ocean gently filling this room too

  I love this sound. After three years in Australia, I can’t even imagine not living by the beach. When our house was quiet at night, when the boys were all tucked up in their beds, I loved to hear the waves, they calmed me. They sounded like home, strange that it took me so long to find where I really belong.

  Everything about our lives is so very different now. We are surrounded by family and had a great group of friends. Our support network is strong, and I have a sense peace like I’ve never known.

  This feeling of contentment and wellbeing had led me to make a choice that had shocked most people that knew us. Everyone told me that I was mad. For a while, Liam was absolutely against the idea of another baby, worried that a bad pregnancy might send me spiralling back down into a deep depression. But it didn’t, because everything was different here. I had help and support. I was surrounded by people that loved me and a husband that came home every night, rarely travelled and was always by my side. After we consulted carefully with my doctor, and we waited until I had gone over a year without any kind of anxiety or depression, Liam then supported my decision to come off of the pill.

  I don’t know how exactly to describe my need for another baby. I think the best way would be to say, like a woman knows she categorically doesn’t want any more, I was categorically positive that I wanted just one more.

  And now here we were.

  Maisie Matilda Delaney was born on our wedding anniversary in August. She had just turned three months old, and tonight was the very first night she was supposed to be spending in her own room . . . Except her dad had other ideas.

  Liam is besotted with his daughter, as are three of her four big brothers. Lucas being the only one not impressed with her arrival, continuously asking us when she is going back.

  As if sensing my presence, Liam turns around.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Watching you. What are you doing?”

  “Watching our daughter.”

  “Why, what’s she doing?”

  “Sleeping.”

  “She can do that in her cot.”

  “I don’t want her to. She’s too little. I want her back in her crib in our room.”

  I make my way in to the room and stand next to him, and we both watch her sleep.

  “Bring her back to our room then, so we can both get some sleep.”

  I turn to leave. “Sarah.” He grabs my arm, so I turn back towards him.

  “I wasn’t there for the boys. I wasn’t there for you. I wanna do it all differently this time. I don’t wanna miss any of it.”

  “We are doing it differently. We’ve being doing it different since we got here. I would never have had her if we weren’t.”

  He nods, the moonlight catching the blue of his eyes, and my insides ignite at the smile on his lips.

  “Let’s go back to bed. Staring at your naked back is making me horny.”

  I turn and pull my vest over my head as I walk back down the hallway, pulling down my shorts and kicking them off before reaching our bedroom door.

  Liam follows me into the room and sets Maisie in her crib, which is still set up on my side of the bed. Then, much to my pleasure, he crawls up the bed and settles between my legs.

  “Are you happy pretty girl?”

  “I’ll be happier after an orgasm.”

  He smiles before licking up the length of my throat.

  “I’m being serious.”

  I hate that he worries about my happiness, but I understand it.

  “Me, too.” I tilt up and try to grind against him. “I’ve honestly never been happier, Liam. Everything I’ve ever wanted in life, whether I knew it or not, is right under this roof, and I promise you, if that ever changes, I’ll let you know. Please stop worrying.”

  “I don’t wanna let you down.”

  “You won’t. We’ve got this.”

  “That’s my line.”

  “Well, I’ve just nicked it. Now, fuck me before your daughter wakes up the neighbourhood.”

  “Anything for you, pretty girl. Anything at all.”

  THE END

  If you are affected by any of the issues in this book please pick up the phone, make a call, and ask for help.

  UK Samaritans 116 123

  AUS Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636

  U.S. Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255

  Saviour

  Resolution

  Carnage Book #1

  Carnage Book #2

  Marley

  The Letters

  Conviction

  This book would never have been published if it wasn’t for the help and support of my editor, Ashley Williams, and I can’t thank you enough, Ash, for all of your help with editing and the rewrites while I got my shit together.

  This book will piss some of you off. I’ve never been afraid of covering emotive subjects and in this book, I’ve covered some of the hardest. Depression, suicide, abortion and smacking. Everyone has their opinion on all these topics and while I respect your opinion, your values and your beliefs, they are exactly that, yours. This may be a work of fiction but Sarah could be any one of us. Despite what we think we know about ourselves and the decisions we are sure we would make, unless you’ve been inside Sarah’s head like I have been for almost a year, please don’t judge her too harshly for the choices that she made. She honestly thought at the time that she was doing the right thing.

  Thank you for reading my words, you will get more from this series next year when we get to hear Sasha’s story.

  Lesley Jones was born and raised in Essex, England but moved to Australia ten years ago. She now lives by the beach on the Mornington Peninsula, just outside of Melbourne.

  When she’s not writing, she loves to read, listen to music, watch football, sing badly and drink good wine.

  You can keep up to date with all things Lesley Jones here…

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