by Amber Dane
“What know you of me? That is something I need not discuss with you.”
He knew his answer would only further her anger, so he turned back to the stream so he did not have to see the damage his words caused.
“Why did you bring me here?”
The pain in her voice tore at him and Rourke remained silent. She didn’t.
“What makes you hate women so?” Alexa should have stopped from the look he shot her when he turned around. But she could not, would not back off now. The change in him had hurt her. She continued, “Who was she to you?”
He was in front of her in two strides. His large hand circled her throat. Alexa held his gaze. His look was intimidating, but her need to get to the bottom of it was stronger.
“A bitch that used her beauty to get what she wanted and had thoughts only of herself. You give a woman the world and still ‘tis not enough.”
His raw tone cut through her like knives into her flesh. Whatever it was, this torment, ‘twas still fresh in his mind. Alexa covered his hand gently with her own and felt him relax under her touch.
“What did she do?” she asked.
“She laughed at me and cast my feelings to the wolves. She crushed a young fool's heart with her vile tongue and left him with no choice but to distrust all women.”
Alexa caressed his hand as her other moved to his shoulder. Rourke groaned and pulled her close.
“One woman caused all this pain?” Alexa questioned in disbelief against his throat. He was not telling her all of it and she knew it.
“Aye!” Rourke answered hoarsely and pulled back. “One is all it takes for me to never allow it to happen ever again. More men should behave thus. There would be less trouble. Women have a viper for a tongue. Words wound as deeply as actions.”
“As all men are not the same, neither are women” Alexa retorted, stung by his scathing words.
Rourke snorted and stepped away from her. The derisive look he gave her made her skin crawl and her heart sink. He was dead set on not letting the slightest piece of himself free. She saw the complete change in his green eyes as he stared at her a moment longer.
Rourke knew what she wanted and he would not speak it just to soothe her hurt. He’d made that mistake once before and it’d cost him. The pain had been too great. Unbearable. He had vowed never to let it happen again and he would not. No matter how fond he was growing of her. Something inside him ached in warning, but tormented by his thoughts, he ignored it.
“What you seek I can never give you, Alexa. I am incapable of loving anyone.” He continued right over her sharp gasp, “I am not a man whose heart rules his actions. To do so would be a fatal mistake. I will care for you. Protect you. See to all you could need or ever want. But that I fear is all. I will be no one's besotted fool." his green eyes darkened and he ended with a snort. "Never again. Not even with you."
For as long as he lived he’d never forget the raw pain of her stricken expression. It was gone in the next moment, replaced by her fury. He wanted to apologize. But didn’t.
He may as well have pulled out his axe and split her in two, for the agony that lanced her at his cold words, surely the pain could not have been greater. She was too stunned to say anything.
"I’ve upset you and you are angry."
"Nay," Alexa managed to choke out.
"You lie,” he pushed on.
Incredulous, Alexa could only stare at him. More like cut her. In that moment she hated his Norman hide.
“Come. The hour grows late. Time we head back.” he said sharply.
She turned and stormed away from him into the trees.
“Alexa!” he shouted after her.
She started to run and Rourke let out a growl and gave chase. When he caught her she fought him like a wildcat, screaming and kicking at him.
“You unfeeling Norman bastard! Knave! Brute!”
Her words did not sting him this time for he knew her intent. To hurt him. Her flailing arms rained blows against his neck and shoulders. He wrestled with her to the ground. She roared beneath him when he pinned her arms and body.
“Stop!” he yelled.
She bucked. He pressed against her and she tossed her head and yelled back at him. “What makes you think I want or need anything from you? You have naught to give me. What you think you see you do not. Let me up!” Alexa finished quickly breathless and gulped in air. She refused to let him see her shed a tear. She was drowning in the pain his words had caused.
“Nay. Not until you cease this madness.”
“What is madness is my own folly in thinking you possessed a shred of softness in you. Now let me up. Your hulk of a body is crushing me and I cannot bear the feel of it or your touch.”
That got him. The withdrawn look came in his gaze and she instantly wished her words back. But her pain was too great and she was glad she had hurt him as he had hurt her. All signs of warmth left those emerald all seeing eyes.
“Well then. I have proven my point. Your tongue, hellion, is that of a snake.”
“As yours is that of a devil.” She retorted hotly.
His eyes darkened even more. He was furious. He rolled off her and dragged her up with him, both her wrists locked in his large hands.
She was enraged. Still, Alexa blinked back the angry tears at his abrupt dismissal. She had let his change in mood sour what she had thought was a sweet outing toward further progress. He had ruined everything.
Rourke had wanted his hellion back, but again, he had erred greatly. He let out a low whistle. A rustle came near them and Black emerged in a lazy canter from the trees.
“I would rather my feet blister and bleed than ride back with you.” Alexa told him.
He grumbled and grunted about in a fit of anger before he mounted. Then reached down and plucked her up. He sat her down before him on the horse, not at all or gently.
Rourke signaled one of his men, who had approached, no doubt having heard their shouts, to gather up their things.
She leaned so far away from him, she was nigh on top of Black’s neck.
“You will fall if you do not hold onto me,” Rourke warned, his ire growing again.
She laced her fingers in Black’s mane. The horse started.
Rourke scoffed, “He allows no one but me to touch his mane. He will throw us both.”
Alexa tightened her grip in the softness, but not enough to hurt the beautiful beast. She rubbed his strong neck and said something inaudible. Black neighed and shifted beneath them giving into her. Rourke goaded him forward with a grunt. Traitor! His dark thoughts screamed inside.
TWENTY-EIGHT
Rourke wanted to go after her and pull her into his arms as he watched her walk stiffly into the manor. He’d no one to blame but himself for ruining their outing. She had tried and he’d buckled under the pressure, shied away when she’d gotten too close to that darkness he had buried long ago. Her steps to bridge the gap between them, he’d probably just broken or widened.
He did not want to be close to her. He’d only wanted to rid her of her melancholy so they could focus on what was important. Like his need for a child. Why was she not pregnant yet? With an angry growl, scaring the stable master and others nearby in the courtyard, Rourke took the reins and remounted. He needed to ride and erase the image of the hurt he had put there in her eyes from his vision.
When he came to bed, Alexa pretended to be asleep. Her heart still stung and feeling his weight as he got into bed, she turned her back to him. He moved for a bit, but did not reach for her and Alexa waited holding her breath. When his light snores came, she squeezed her eyes shut tight overcome by the ball of pain in her chest. She had tried her best and it had been for naught. He had ruined it all.
Stubborn.
Defiant.
Whatever this woman from his past had done-it had ruined him it seemed for good. Heartache filled her to near bursting. He wanted naught from her but a child. She sensed it. She’d been a fool to imagine there could ever be a
nything more. Well, she was done trying and Alexa wiped angrily at a tear that slipped free.
Three days later, she still refused to speak to him, let alone look at him. Come the night neither did their bodies touch. They were at an impasse and neither would bend without the other doing so first. And Rourke’s black mood was proof of the toll it was taking on him.
Emotions he refused to acknowledge threatened to overwhelm him. He warred with what was inside him.
Meanwhile she proved she was indeed lady of the manor by taking her position back. Everywhere he looked she was there. She picked up and ran things as smoothly as if she’d not been locked away for those many weeks.
He glimpsed her practicing her swordsmanship and he found admiration warming in him. He’d known, but he’d refused to acknowledge how skilled she was. She still used a wooden sword.
She tried to act indifferent when they ran into one another. But he knew better.
Her hawk eyes watched him with fury whenever Lina was near. At one point, Rourke was tempted to pull Lina into his arms just to get a word out of Alexa. But he feared it would deepen the chasm he’d started. Just the look of harm she shot his way when his gaze lingered purposely on Lina’s hips told him it would not be a good idea.
Throwing down the lance he had just sharpened to the stone rush covered floor, he strode from the hall with a growl. He was in for another restless and painful night.
Alexa wondered if he would come to her at all this night after the angry display he’d shown earlier in the hall. The sky was black and the stars winked at her, but as she waited, he still did not come.
A thump woke her and she frowned, momentarily startled that she had fallen asleep so quickly at the window. Rising from the bench, the one he usually sat on, Alexa focused her eyes in the dark room. She had fallen asleep without a taper lit.
She made her way to the bed and stubbed her toe on the post. Cursing she felt the mattress under her fingers, then a foot. She drew back with alarm, and then she reached out again and felt up the hard muscled calf. ‘Twas her husband’s leg.
He had come to bed after all. Had he not seen her at the window? Nay, Alexa wrinkled her nose as she crawled next to him, not only was he fully clothed, he was drunk. The smell of mulled wine filled her nostrils as she sighed and tried to roll his large body to the side of the bed. He grunted under her fruitless actions and Alexa barely ducked in time when one beefy arm swatted in her direction. She let out a cry when the back of his limp hand struck her in the eye.
Damn his hide! Her eye hurt and after useless attempts to right his large body, he rolled over and caught half her body beneath him. Alexa lost her breath and pushed against his chest. He grunted and started to snore again. She panicked for fear of being smothered and began to struggle anew with earnest.
Something was beating against his skull and Rourke fought against the pounding in his chest and head. He tried to wake from the drunken fog of sleep, but it was too comfortable. He’d not slept this good in days since his tiff with his wife. With that thought he felt desire run through him and he grunted and moved. He lay on something soft and his hands connected with a breast.
Lina.
He had followed Lina to her rooms and had drunk deeply of wine. He had thought to lose himself in her welcoming body, but he had not been able to muster any desire. And soon he’d left the angry maid or so he’d thought. Her breasts were usually bountiful, but this one, it barely filled his hand, like Alexa’s. Rourke groaned and squeezed the mound.
Oh well, whoever it was, she seemed to be willing enough. Rourke, still half in his drink told himself he needed the distraction. Anything to free him of this torment. And he leaned down to kiss the squirming form beneath him.
Alexa gasped and freed her mouth from his, only to gasp when his lips slid down her neck to her breasts. The man may be drunk but he was not too drunk to engage in the intimate act. Alexa struggled more, but to no avail for soon he hiked up her shift and had his hand shoved between her thighs. She cried out in pain as his touch was rough and when he reached her womanhood, his cold fingers delved between her folds and tried to enter her.
A warning bell went off in his head and Rourke stiffened. Something too familiar about the woman’s kiss, softness struck him and he withdrew his fingers when she cried out. He moved to jump off the bed, but stumbled and fell backwards on his arse. He blinked rapidly and tried to adjust his eyes to the darkness.
Alexa lit a taper and thrust it in his face. “You’re drunk!”
“Aye.” Rourke tried to get up and his leg gave out. Hell! He grabbed the furs from the bed and pulled them over his large frame. He had imbibed more than he’d thought. He grumbled. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I thought you were another.”
Her shriek only heightened the headache forming. She cursed him and he realized what he’d said. He reached for her, but she escaped his limp grasp. He heard the chamber door slam and he groaned falling back on the floor. His head striking it with a loud thud and a curse exploded form his mouth. God’s wounds! He’d messed up again. He thought no more as he gave in to the drunken stupor.
She moved back to her sister’s chamber. Rourke said nothing of it. He was too deep in his own misery over the growing chasm betwixt them. Goran seemed angry with him. Hell all within seemed that way. Rourke never felt so alone in all his life. He hated her for making him feel so desolate and needy. He set his mind on that thorn instead and went looking for her.
He found her out back in the manor garden, a hoe in her hand. A few servants around her and some of his men strolled past. The day was cold and brisk. She wore a short cloak, hose and her russet gown peeked out beneath. He saw red when she glanced up to call out a bright greeting to Goran as he came upon them. Rourke should have turned and went back the way he’d come. But the pent up anger and hurt over the past week pushed him forward.
She’d smiled so prettily at his friend with what he’d sought all week. The slightest welcoming gesture. But nay, she refused him. But gave it easily to Goran.
Jealousy raged within him like a crazed oxen.
His gaze raked over her head to toe. Lust slammed him and his balls tightened. He wanted to bury himself inside her. The simple circlet held her loose hair in place and her face, flushed from the cold and warmth she was bestowing upon his friend made her look all the more beautiful.
She must have sensed him for Rourke knew he’d not made a sound when she turned and faced him. The laughter in her eyes died. The hand not holding the hoe went to her belly and folded there near the region he was eager to taste. It was all Rourke could take and he opened his mouth.
“Will you be able to give me sons?”
His eyes watched her with a burning intensity and Alexa stood and swept away the wisps of hair torn from her circlet. She could not say anything for she was too stunned by his words. Her brows dipped and anger sparked in her. He repeated his question and she found it difficult to breathe.
“What sort of question is this?” she choked out.
“One that needs an answer now”.
Alexa moved to turn from him and was surprised when he reached out and stopped her with his hand firmly wrapped around her forearm. Aware of the others so near, she felt her cheeks burn with embarrassment. She did not like the wild look in his eyes and she tried to free her arm. Her worry and hurt feelings over the past days had come to this.
“Do the women in your family have trouble breeding?”
His words were cold and distant. Alexa swallowed. “Aye.”
Her mother had had difficulty getting with child both times. A third had been lost before it had been born. She whipped him an angry glare and told him thus, her breath heavy and a burning pain seized her heart over his insensitivity. “What are you after, Rourke?” she queried, eyes narrowed and teeth clenched.
“The midwife alluded to something of that nature when I spoke with her earlier this week. It’s been long enough and more than enough times that I have planted my seed in y
ou for it to take. Yet you still show no sign of it.”
His eyes did not soften over her horrified gasp. Alexa’s face burned even more. The flux had come to her at dawn. Her heart thudded loudly in her chest. She felt lightheaded. He could not mean to shame her like this in front of everyone. He could not.
“Would you have a care out here, please? This conversation would have been better suited for discussion in the solar. Do you not think?”
“'How could we have a discussion there when I do not know which one you speak? Our solar? Or where you currently rest your head- in your sister’s bed? ‘Tis matters not. Were it in either would the answer have been any different?”
Alexa stiffened under his scrutiny in disbelief. Moving back into Lisbeth chamber had indeed grown a burr on his arse.
Aye, his aim was to shame her. She cursed low as the damning truth of it twisted her heart. Did he not know how much his words cut her? Nay, for he took an intimidating step closer. She stood to her spot, her legs trembling and her hand tightened around the hoe she held to stop her from reaching for his thick neck.
“Shame me in front of all is the answer then?”
‘‘The shame will be upon you if you do not give me a son. Let us hope that you do not suffer your mother's curse. She had two babes, I simply ask for one. I think that is not asking much, Alexa.”'
Alexa could hold back no longer. “Then do what you must to make it happen. Now even as my blood stains your skin. If that is your wish. I cannot predict when and if your seed will take. Despite our differences these past few days, I had thought we were beyond this. Does your cruelty know no bounds?”
He only glared at her with one golden brow raised in warning. What had she done to make him act so vicious and cruel to her this morning? It was more than sleeping in another room. He’d been the one putting distance between them more and more all week. Did he not think she had wondered herself why she was not yet pregnant? And how heavy it lay upon her?