Diary of a Dieter

by Marie Coulson

  Dana and I gave each other a knowing look. Here she goes again.

  “His name’s Henry. He’s a very successful chef, and he recently opened his own restaurant. And oh my God, he knows his food. I spent half of the evening drizzled with something sticky that he could lick off or being fed something utterly delicious while blindfolded. Though, I have to say, his very own sausage was a delightful main course.”

  I cringed. Sausage? Really?

  “It was magical. I’m talking sparks flying and Earth moving.”

  Dana nudged me. “More like knickers flinging and legs spreading.”

  I giggled and held my hand over my mouth as Ness continued to gush about her amazing night of passion. Dropping onto the sofa between Dana and I, she sighed with contentment.

  “So, how was your night with Anton? I see a hickey, but what the hell happened to your face? You look like you have pink eye.”

  Ever the tactful one, Ness stared at me expectedly.

  “I’d been meaning to ask about that eye actually,” Dana added.

  Covering my embarrassed face with my hands, I took a deep breath.

  “I got semen in it.”

  Ness and Dana looked confused. “Uh, honey, I’m no expert but—“ Ness began.

  “Ha! No expert,” Dana interrupted earning her a thunderous look from Ness.

  “Anyway, like I was saying, I’m pretty sure the penis goes at the other end.”

  I groaned. “I know.”

  “I’m confused. You had sex, right?” Dana asked.

  I cast my eyes to the ceiling and bit my lip. “Well, not exactly.”

  “So just oral then? Is he good? Is he skilled? Did you come? Was it multiple? Details, Charlene, I need details.” Ness was bouncing up and down like an excited child.

  “Not exactly.”

  I began telling them the whole horrid story and watched as their expressions turned from shock to horror and then finally, they both fell about laughing.

  “Oh my God! That’s so funny! Friendly fire. Hit in the eye with a sperm shooter!” Ness cackled.

  I could feel my cheeks getting red.

  “Oh Charlene, how do you get into these situations?” Dana panted.

  Hurling cushions at them both, I laughed.

  “Guy’s, it’s not funny. And besides, that wasn’t the end of the story.”

  Stopping, the two of them composed themselves a little and smiled at me.

  “Do continue. Because I know for sure you got laid last night. You have that post-orgasmic glow about you. You look like you just walked out of a nuclear waste zone.”

  Biting my lip so hard that it began to bleed, I winced.

  “I did have sex.”

  Ness and Dana both grinned and giggled.

  “I knew it! So Anton managed to get the pole erect again? Did you wave your white flag and reap the spoils?”

  I shook my head. “I said I had sex. I never said it was with Anton.”

  Chapter 19

  “You had sex!” Ness’s screech almost burst my eardrum, and I was forced to press my hands firmly over my ears.

  Dana stared at me with her mouth open wide. She stuttered and stammered before finally shaking her head and collapsing back against the sofa.

  “It wasn’t like I planned it! It just … happened!”

  Ness was pacing up and down with her hands on his hips.

  “Just happened? Are you kidding me? This doesn’t just happen. I mean, we were wondering how long it would take for you two to finally hop on the good foot and do the bad thing, but this is a disaster.”

  I furrowed my brow at her. “What do you mean you were wondering when? I didn’t even know it was going to happen!”

  Dana’s jaw fell open, and she stared at me with surprise. “Seriously, Charlene? You two have been tiptoeing around the sexual tension for years. But I figured maybe you’d both come to your senses, become a couple, and then hook up.”

  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “You’re both nuts! We’re friends. We don’t feel that way about each other. It was just sex. I was upset, feeling low, and painfully sexually frustrated. She who has not fucked out of desperation cast the first stone!”

  Ness dropped her hands and muttered under her breath briefly before speaking up. “Okay, fair point, but this is going to make things so much harder. You two won’t be able to separate the sex with the friendship, and then we,” she gestured to herself and Dana, “end up like the children of divorce. And not the good kind like it was with my parents. Oh, no. There’ll be no gifts and grand gestures of love to try and win us over. No, it’ll be awkward, you’ll fight, and then inevitably the two of you share custody of us and we see you every other weekend. That’s until one of you meets a new squeeze of course. Then it just gets worse.”

  Dana and I looked at each other before turning our attention back at Ness. Her parents had really done a number on her with their divorce. It was my theory as to why she was so commitment-phobe. Her father had been a serial womanizer, and her mother was a classic lush. Whenever we’d been over at her place, she was usually found with a younger man wrapped around her and a bottle of wine within arm’s reach.

  “Ness, it’s not going to get weird. It happened once, and it won’t be happening again. Will you please relax?”

  She exhaled slowly, taking deep breaths. “Fine, if you say so, but don’t expect me not to give my biggest I told you so when it all goes south.”

  I rolled my eyes and turned my attention to Dana who was yet to give her view on the situation.

  “Well, Dana? What do you think?”

  “Would it make a difference?”

  “I guess it depends on what you have to say.”

  “I think you’re both playing with fire, and one or both of you will end up burnt. Do you honestly think you could be around each other now and have … no feeling at all? I mean, how was it this morning?”

  I rubbed my forehead with my thumb and finger. My tense headache was getting worse.

  “Awkward. Uncomfortable and forced.”

  Ness gave me a self-righteous smirk, and I stuck my tongue out at her.

  “Exactly. And …” I knew she was itching to ask the question on both hers and Ness’s lips, but that each was too embarrassed to ask.

  “You want to know how it was, don’t you.” I had a slight smile on my face, and they both stared at me, waiting eagerly for the juicy details. I settled back on the sofa and sipped the fresh coffee Dana had made me.

  “Don’t keep us in suspense, Charlene! Tell us!” Ness demanded.

  “What do you want to know?” I teased.

  Dana shifted closer to me and placed her hand on my leg.

  “Was it good? Was he hot? Is he hot? I can’t imagine Adam as, well, anything but the nerdy doctor that buys me bread-makers and stuff on my birthday. Tell me everything!”

  I scrunched my nose up and pretended to think. I didn’t need long to remember the events of last night. They were embedded in my brain. They played over and over like a movie.

  “He was … hot. Very hot.”

  Ness groaned. “Like Ryan Gosling hot or Jude Law hot?”

  I gave her a puzzled look as Dana raised an eyebrow in confusion. “What are you talking about?”

  Ness rolled her eyes. “Well, Jude Law has that whole gentleman, suave thing going on and that makes him hot. But Ryan Gosling, he has that sexy, smooth voice. That toned, defined body, and the kind of eyes you want to stare into as you orgasm over and over again.”

  I blinked rapidly at her as she gushed and swooned over men she adored but would never obtain. Probably.

  “I guess he was kind of … both?” I offered.

  “Both!” Ness yelled. This woman needed a volume button!

  “Yes, both. He was sweet, sensual, attentive and mind-blowing all at the same time. He has abs! Did you know that? Adam has abs. And not just that, he has one of those hot, deep V lines that dip into his sweats. When did that happen? Did I com
pletely miss the memo that went out that declared my best friend as a hottie?”

  Dana shook her head in astonishment. “Our Adam? Are you sure you didn’t go blind from that shot in the eye?”

  I took her face in my hands, pressing my palms to her cheeks and forced her to stare at me. “I’m not crazy. Adam is a sex god. It’s like he was made for it. And he knew all these tricks.”

  Ness was getting closer and closer to me with every detail. She was a shuffle away from falling off of the sofa.

  “Tricks? What do you mean tricks?”

  I removed my hands from Dana’s face and held them to my chest. Sighing with content, I closed my eyes and remembered every little touch, sensation, movement, and caress.

  “I mean, techniques and stuff.” Opening my eyes, I was startled a little to find them both inches from my face with grins spreading across their own.

  “Go on!” they urged in unison.

  “I don’t know what to tell you. I can’t describe it. It was weird, wonderful, and everything I needed. He made me feel more alive than I have in years.”

  Ness snickered. “I think a washing machine would do that when up against Brad. Are you for real? I just can’t picture Adam as this sexual animal. It feels too …” She scrunched up her nose and grimaced. Dana nodded and matched her expression.

  “I know it’s bizarre, but it’s true. Maybe we just never noticed it because we know him so intimately anyway.”

  Dana laughed. “Yeah, and now you know him carnally, intimately, sexually, and practically inside out and upside down.”

  I smiled. “I certainly spent some time last night upside down.”

  Rising from the couch, Ness made a vomiting sound.

  “Urgh. It’s gross, and I can’t even think about it. It’s like walking in on your parents having sex. Though in my case, it was usually not with each other.”

  My smile dropped. “The thing is, now I don’t even know how to act around him. I feel so exposed and out of place.”

  “You were naked together. You can’t get much more exposed than that, Charlene!” Dana spat.

  I sunk deeper into the cushions of the sofa.

  “So what do I do now?”

  Ness held out her hand and began counting out my options on her long, manicured fingers. “The way I see it, you have three choices. One, you never speak to him again or even make eye contact.”

  I shook my head fiercely. “Not an option. Next.”

  “Two, you go home, talk to him, and try to get back to normal.”

  I cringed. “If that is even possible.”

  “Or three, you remain friends, but fuck now and then.”

  Dana glared at her and sprayed the gulp of tea in her mouth all over the floor. “Are you insane? They can’t do that!”

  Ness stared at her with confusion. She looked at Dana as though she had just grown an extra head. “Why not? People do it all the time. It would relieve that tension between them, and they both get laid. It’s not like they can go back to how it was. Things have changed, and you might as well roll with the punches. What’s so wrong with having a fuck buddy? They’re hardly strangers.”

  I sat with my mouth open, staring at her. She was nuts.

  “Stop gawping at me like that. You know it makes sense.”

  I stood and held my hands in the air in total abandonment.

  “No. No, no, no. It’s not happening. Ness, he’s my best friend. We’ve been through everything together. He’s the only guy I’ve always been able to rely on, and I won’t jeopardise that for sex.”

  She raised an eyebrow at me. “Not even for the best you ever had?”

  I walked up to her and jabbed her lightly in the chest with my finger. “Not even if he was the last man on the planet.”

  She and Dana scoffed. “Yeah, if you say so,” Ness remarked over her shoulder as she sauntered toward the kitchen. Running my fingers through my hair, I let out a long and exasperated breath. Dana gave me a sympathetic look.

  “What am I going to do, Dana?”

  Standing, she wrapped her arms around me and sighed.

  “I don’t know. But you could start with going home and actually facing him. It’s the only chance you have at some sort of normality.”

  She was right. But how could things ever be normal again? I’d seen his sex face, and he’d seen my orgasm expression. You may be giggling at that, but we all have one. That moment where we lose control; dignity and etiquette go out of the window, and our bodies simply takes over. Our features contort, squish, and our eyes roll back in our heads. We make sounds that should only be heard in the wild wilderness of the amazon rainforest, and let’s not forget that smell. Oh yes, sex is so wonderful and intense, but even you know what I’m talking about. The smell of sex—the sweat, bodily fluids, friction, and distinct fragrance of two bodies rubbing against one another. We ignore it while in the throes of passion, but if you’re not so into it, I guarantee you will notice that scent immediately. If not during, then certainly after, while scrubbing it off in the shower. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, but you might as well be honest about the dirty and disgusting side of sex. No one can come back from that. Once you’ve experienced all those things with another human being, you become a part of their sexual chemistry. What is it they say? You’re not just sleeping with your partner; you’re having sex with everyone they’ve ever had sex with, too. In this case Adam was in luck. Sex with Brad had been sterile, clean, and pretty much odour-free. He might as well have been having sex with a sterilizer.

  With a grunt of anxiety and frustration, I picked up my things, said a quick goodbye to the girls, and headed back to my apartment—back to a pissed off pussycat, the shame of last night, and hopefully, my best friend.

  Chapter 20

  Sitting at either end of the sofa, Adam and I remained deadly silent. He kept wringing his hands and glancing up at the ceiling. This was painful. Rolling my eyes, I brought my feet up and curled them beneath me.

  “So … Dana and Ness all good?”

  At last! He speaks! I shot him the best fake and comfortable smile I could and nodded.

  “Mmhmm. They’re fine.”

  He nodded slowly. “Good. Good.”

  Oh dear God, I wanted to die. This tension between us was tangible.

  “I was thinking we could watch a movie or something? Just relax for the evening?” Adam suggested with a slight smile on his face.

  I nodded. Jeez, if I wasn’t shaking my head lately, I was nodding. It seemed conversation and verbilisation of a yes or no was beyond me.

  “Sure. Sounds good.”

  Picking up the remote, Adam flicked through the endless number of channels before settling on a movie that neither of us had seen before. It was about a young woman who fell in love with a soldier and was deeply romantic. It was full of scenes like kissing in the rain and falling into each other’s arms. It seemed a good choice and as we stayed on our separate halves of the sofa, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of … longing. Usually the two of us would be huddled up with some snacks and making jokes, but this was different. And it was about to get worse.

  As the woman and her love were reunited for a brief time while he was on leave, they did the one thing I was dreading. They had sex. Cue the bow chicka wow wow music and the classic sensual undressing of our main characters. I was squirming in my seat. Have you ever watched a sex scene with your mum? It felt a little like that. Except, this time, I was uncomfortable for a completely different reason. I was horny.

  Adam crossed his legs and sat back in his seat, staring at the screen. The two main characters began rolling around on the bed and caressing one another. I didn’t know where to look. I clenched my fists and twirled my hair with the other hand. I needed to seem nonchalant.

  Adam cleared his throat loudly and pulled lightly on his t-shirt as though he were a little hot. I wasn’t hot. I was on fire. If I didn’t expel the flames that were now simmering in my underwear, things could get to a very
dangerous level. Adam was watching me out of the corner of his eye. He really wasn’t as stealthy as he thought. The moment I turned my head and caught his eye, he immediately turned his attention back to the TV. Not that it really helped because our two stars were now going at it hammer and nail! Was this a movie or soft porn?

  Grabbing the remote, I switched it off. “I think we should go out. Let’s go out. I’m definitely up for going out. You?” I was in a panic.

  Adam got to his feet and adjusted his trousers slightly, blushing as he did so.

  “Absolutely. Somewhere loud and full of people. Somewhere public.”

  I nodded. “Great idea. There’s a karaoke and disco place a couple of blocks down that serves cheap drinks every Sunday.”

  “Just call me Justin Timberlake,” Adam joked as he hurried to his room.

  “I’ll get changed, and we’ll go,” he yelled over his shoulder as his door slammed shut behind him.

  I flopped on the sofa and groaned. Dear God, this was awful. Now we couldn’t even watch a racy scene in a movie without getting all flustered and worked up like a couple of sexless teenagers? Grown-ups aren’t supposed to have these problems. Sex was meant to be fun, necessary, and at times, totally anonymous!

  Adam’s bedroom door swooshed as it opened quickly, and he stepped out in a pair of black trousers and a blue shirt. He was stunning. As he moved toward me, I couldn’t help but picture his abs, curves, lines, and rocking hot bod beneath. Hell, I was picturing him totally stark naked as he walked across my lounge. Shaking my head, I smiled and then made my way to my own room to pull on a pair of jeans. My t-shirt would suffice for the karaoke bar around the corner.

  “Ready?” Adam was beaming at me, scanning my body from head to toe. Holy fuck. My heart beat faster, and I had to gulp hard to find my voice.

  “Uh huh,” I managed to wheeze. “Let’s go tear it up.”

  * * * *

  The karaoke bar was a small, yet full place. It smelled old and dusty, and the décor indicated that it hadn’t been cared for or modernized in quite some time. It didn’t bother me though as I was simply relieved to be out of the house, out of that awkward silence, and away from the temptation presented via racy and raunchy sex scenes in movies! An older, dark-haired woman was on stage wailing out the lyrics to “Total Eclipse Of The Heart.” It was akin to a cat being spade without the anesthetic. I could only imagine what Jacob might make of it. Placing his hand at the small of my back, Adam gently nudged me forward toward the bar. He leaned over my shoulder and shouted into my ear.