Diary of a Dieter

by Marie Coulson

  “If that’s how you feel, Charlene, then fine! You made your bed, and now the two of you can go fuck yourselves and each other in it. Just don’t come crying to us when the shit hits the fan. You are in love with him. Just say it and fucking deal with it.”

  Getting up from her seat, Ness tugged on Dana’s elbow. Giving me a regretful look, she stood and together they walked away into the crowd of people making their way down the busy London street.

  A waitress brought over a small white pot of tea and a cup. I took it from her with a halfhearted smile and poured myself a large cup. This was a nightmare. Not only had I just fallen out with my girls, but I was now in turmoil over Adam. Ness was wrong about him—she had to be. Someone that in love with another person didn’t agree to a no-strings and just sex relationship. It would be heartbreaking, surely. But that didn’t explain why I was the one with the ache in my chest. My stomach was churning, and my throat was dry. Ness’s question was replaying over and over in my ears. Would I really be fine with him seeing some other woman? Would I really just be pleased he’d found someone? The answer was unsettling. No. I wouldn’t be okay with it. But that was just because the sex would stop, and I’d be back to my dry spell and poor self-esteem. That was all. I thought. I hoped. Oh, God help me!

  Stirring my tea mindlessly with one hand, I rested my chin on the other as my elbow pressed into the tabletop. Could things possibly get any worse?

  “Charlene?”

  Turning my head, I gawped in horror. I have to stop asking myself if things could get any worse. Because it seemed every time I did, the universe screwed me over.

  “Brad!”

  He gave me a small smile, but I couldn’t and wouldn’t return it. My insides twisted with rage as hate began boiling my blood as it flowed through my veins.

  “Hi, Charlene. How are you?”

  I glanced around to ensure I wasn’t heard and lowered my voice. I didn’t want a scene. Reaching up, I grabbed a fistful of his shirt and yanked him downward to me.

  “How am I? Are you fucking serious?”

  Pulling himself from my grasp, he pulled out a seat and sat opposite me.

  “I know, I don’t expect you to want to talk to me, but I couldn’t just walk by and say nothing.”

  I glared at him with hatred. “Really? Because I doubt you have anything I want to hear.”

  He nodded gently. “I deserve that. I do. I did a horrible, horrible thing, and I’m so sorry for all the pain I caused you.”

  I interrupted him abruptly. “Pain? You think it was pain that I felt? It was a lot fucking more than that! I was humiliated, heartbroken, devastated, and completely betrayed! You called off our wedding, Brad. The day that’s supposed to be the happiest in a girl’s life, and you did it over the phone! You didn’t even have the nuts or guts, both of which I’d like to hack apart with a rusty knife, to tell me to my face that you were screwing some tart at your office!”

  He looked down at the table, and for the first time, he actually seemed ashamed.

  “I know. I am so sorry. I don’t deserve forgiveness, God knows I’ve learnt my lesson the hard way now.”

  I gave him a confused but seething glare.

  “Aneska dumped me. It seems once I wasn’t forbidden fruit anymore I wasn’t so exciting. To be honest, I was getting tired of her, too. I was done with the al fresco sex, the social scene, and the endless days in bed.”

  I held up my hand in disgust. “I really don’t want to hear about how the two of you fucked each other into the ground. Thanks.”

  He grabbed my hand and held it in his, tightly.

  “But I know now that I was stupid. I should never have left you. Aneska was just so … exciting and new. But what I had with you was safe, secure, and comfortable. I know I said hurtful things, and I was sure you would never talk to me again, but when I saw you from across the street, I had to see you. You look amazing, Charlene. You must have lost at least four stone.”

  I scowled at him. “Funny how you notice how good I look now. A few months ago you couldn’t have picked me out of a line up. I meant so fucking little to you that I’m surprised you recognise me now!”

  He sighed ruefully. “I know. I’m sorry. What I said about your weight was cruel, but it’s how I felt, and look what it’s done for you. If I hadn’t said those things would you have had the motivation to lose the weight?”

  Ripping it from his grasp, I slammed my palm on the table. “I lost weight for me! I lost weight because I was tired of being the same frumpy mouse-wife in training that you turned me into! For once, I’m living my life and not simply existing. I’m having more sex than I have ever had before, and it’s also the best I have ever had.”

  That one hurt him. I could see the disappointment on his face.

  “So you’re seeing someone?”

  I considered lying. I considered telling him about Adam, but in the end I found myself simply saying, “No.”

  A distinct look of relief swept over his face. Placing his hand gently on mine, he leaned forward.

  “I miss you, Charlene. I’m sorry for everything, and I know I don’t have any right to ask you this, but please, if you could just find it in your heart, I would love to see you again. I’m staying with my sister for now until I find a place. I just got here a few weeks ago from Dublin so I’m sofa-surfing right now.”

  If he was looking for sympathy, he wouldn’t get any from me.

  “A sofa is more than you deserve, Brad.”

  He nodded. “I know. But please, think about it. I still love you, Charlene. I never stopped loving you. Things just got so … complicated.”

  There was that word again. Complicated. It seemed every aspect of my life was complicated these days.

  “Go away, Brad. Before I take this tea cup and shove it up your arse and ram this teapot down your throat.”

  He stood quickly and brushed himself down. “Okay. You need time to think about what I’ve said; I get it. Please call me, Charlene. I’ll be waiting by the phone.”

  He slid a business card toward me with his new address and phone number on it. I glanced at it and snorted. “Don’t hold your breath. Actually, do hold your breath. With a little luck you’ll lose consciousness and develop amnesia. Maybe then you’ll get out of my life for good. You’ve done enough damage already.”

  Nodding, he silently turned and walked away. What a complete and utter nutfucker! How could he take credit for my weight loss and how dare he have the nerve to even speak to me after what he did. It was the first time I’d seen him in months, and he had the bare-faced cheek to beg me to call him! What, now that I was slimmer, he suddenly wanted me again? Bullshit!

  My mood was worsening the longer I sat outside the café. Calling the waitress over, I paid her and decided to do some retail therapy. Hey, if I couldn’t eat my emotions away anymore, I was at least going to drown out the thoughts in my head with the sound of my credit card screaming!

  Chapter 23

  By the time I was done drowning my sorrows in a sea of stores, clothing racks, and a brand new Donna Karan dress, I was not only feeling just as stressed as before, but I’d also maxed out my credit card. Don’t judge me. We’ve all had our moments of weakness. She, who has not splurged, impulse bought, or reached for the cookie dough ice cream, cast the first stone.

  Time to think. Ha! I’d need a lobotomy to actually consider calling Brad the cactus anytime soon. Throwing my shopping bags on the sofa, I flopped beside them and inhaled deeply. I glanced at the clock on the far wall and was amazed to discover it was almost nine in the evening. My shopping trip and spontaneous dining at my favourite bistro had clearly gone on longer than I had thought. I could hear music coming from Adam’s room and smiled. It comforted me to know he was around when I got home. Not only for the prospect of hot sex but also for the security and company. A single girl living in a decent apartment in London, I was a walking target for the right stalker. Maybe Brad was mine. It couldn’t possibly have just been a c
oincidence that he ran into me today.

  The sound of Marvin Gaye’s “Give It Up” echoed through Adam’s door. Grinning, I thought about our dancing. I thought about his hands on me and the wonderful session that followed when we’d arrived home. I was almost giddy with happiness as the memories flooded my mind. His arms around me, his lips on mine, and his deep and soulful eyes gazing into mine. Wait, did I just call his eyes soulful?

  Shaking my head, I threw my arm across my eyes. What the hell was happening to me? It was Adam for God’s sake. Why did I find myself thinking about him so much? I’d never found myself with so many thoughts of him before. I wasn’t in love, that wasn’t it, but I was certainly a little … intrigued by him. Intrigued, yes, that’s what it was. I was just curious and probably a little too comfortable with the arrangement we had. But what if I was wrong? What if Adam really did have feelings for me? And not just friendly ones, oh no, I meant the romantic types you only saw in films.

  Groaning in frustration, I picked up a pillow and held it over my face. I needed to know what the hell was happening between us, and we seriously needed to talk. Right now. Getting up from the couch, I marched over and opened his door.

  “Adam, we really need to—“

  I couldn’t finish my sentence. My jaw dropped, and my heart plummeted into my stomach. Lying on Adam’s bed, with her legs hooked over his shoulders, was Janine. She shrieked a little, and Adam quickly pulled away from her, grabbed the bed sheets, and rolled off the bed and onto the floor. This, of course, left Janine totally stark naked! Holding my hand over my eyes, I backed out of the room and slammed the door behind me. I didn’t know what to do or think. Hurrying into the solace of my own room, I closed the door behind me and locked it. A second later, the knob was rattling as Adam tried to get in.

  “Charlie? Charlie, open the door.”

  I couldn’t breathe. My chest hurt, and I felt sick. Why the hell was I feeling like this? He wasn’t mine. I didn’t own him. I’d said it myself that he could screw all of London if he wanted to. So then why, in the name of God, did it hurt so much to find him in bed with her?

  “It’s fine, Adam. I’m sorry I barged in, I should have knocked,” I yelled breathlessly through the door.

  Pressing my palm to my chest, I could feel the rapid beat of my heart.

  “Why have you locked yourself in there then?”

  I didn’t have an answer to that. Not even for myself.

  “I was embarrassed, I guess. Just go back to your room and your play thing.”

  Damn it. Did that sound bitter? Because it sure sounded that way as it flew out of my mouth. He banged on the door several times, urging me to open it. I could hear Janine protesting from the room next door. He stopped a moment and yelled back at her, but I couldn’t quite make out what she was saying.

  “Charlie, open the door and talk to me.”

  Storming over, I unlocked the door, and it swung open.

  “There’s nothing to talk about. You and I are friends. Friends who used to have sex.”

  He raised an eyebrow and leaned against the doorframe. He was still clutching a sheet around his waist. As though it mattered. I’d seen him naked above, below, and next to me enough times. His modesty had long since packed its bags and hitched a ride to Neverland.

  “Used to have sex?”

  I nodded. “Yep. You’ve got your new fuck buddy, and I am totally fine with that. It was fun, but we knew it wouldn’t last right?”

  I was being short with him, and I was sure he could sense that something was up.

  “You don’t seem too happy about that. Why don’t you tell me what’s really going on. What’s really bothering you about this?”

  I shook my head. “Nothing.” I lied. “I’m fine with it.” I did it again. Lying was a new talent of mine, though I clearly hadn’t perfected it.

  “You’re really going to stand there and tell me that you have no problem with this?”

  I nodded again. “Absolutely. Now, if you don’t mind, I need to unpack my shopping bags and shower. Goodnight.”

  Pushing him out of the doorway, I slammed it in his face and locked it again. Silence. Resting my back against the cool wood, I slid down to the floor and pulled my knees up to my chest. Fuck. If I didn’t think I had feelings for Adam before, then I was fairly certain that I did now. Because for the first time in our twenty year relationship I hated him. It was unfamiliar, and as tears slid down my cheeks, I resigned myself to one simple fact: we’d fucked it up. I knew what I was feeling, but I wouldn’t admit to myself. I couldn’t. “Say it and deal with it.” That was Ness’s big solution? I couldn’t; if I said it, that made it real, and right now, I couldn’t deal with that.

  * * * *

  I hammered loudly on Ness’s door. I wasn’t sure if she’d open it, and if she did, there was no guarantee that she wouldn’t just slam it in my face again. I hoped she wouldn’t. I could hear her grumbling as she approached the door. Please don’t leave me out here in the dark. Please, please, please, please, please. A wave of relief swept over me as it opened, and standing in her pink pj’s and a mud facemask, Ness fisted her hands on her hips.

  “Well?” she snapped. Her foot was tapping rapidly as she stared me down. Tears pooled in my eyes, and the moment she saw them, her demeanor softened. Pulling me into a warm hug, she swept her hands up and down my back.

  “Oh, sweetie. What happened?”

  Pulling away, I swiped at my eyes and let out a sob. “You were right. You can’t be friends and lovers. It doesn’t work.”

  She gave me a puzzled look and with her arm around my waist, urged me into the house. As I rounded the door to the living room, Dana got up from the sofa and threw her arms around me. I let out another sob and fell onto the sofa with a bounce.

  “You were right. Both of you.”

  Dana held her hand over mine as she sat beside me on the sofa. “You mean he told you how he feels?” She had a look of hope in her eyes. God, I wish I could have had that hope.

  “No. You were wrong about that at least. Adam Fitz definitely does not have romantic feelings for me.”

  Ness shook her head. “I don’t believe that for a second. Where’s your evidence?”

  I sniffed and let out a long and staggered breath. “She’s back at my place. Naked with her feet hooked behind his ears.”

  That did it. The sobbing, heaving, and erratic breathing began the moment that the image entered my mind. The two of them gasped.

  “No way! In your apartment? With you right there in the next room?” Dana enveloped me in a hug as I gently sobbed on her shoulder.

  “I came in late. I wanted to talk to him. I was so confused about everything and how I was feeling. I just wanted to try and understand what was happening between us. I went to his room, and I saw them.”

  Ness was getting riled. “What a dick! How could he do that to—“

  I cut her off and shook my head. “It’s hardly his fault, Ness. I’m the one who said it was just sex—that I was looking for Mr. Right, and that we were both free to shag anyone we wanted to.”

  She grunted. “So because the steak was suddenly off his menu he decides to dine on some skank’s fur burger? Urgh!”

  Dana cringed. “As much as I don’t like the way she says it, Ness is kind of right.”

  “No, she’s not. I have no one to blame for this stupid mess but myself. I’ve screwed it up, and now I have to live with it. Adam was not, is not, and never will be mine.”

  Dana bit her lip and glanced quickly at Ness before turning back to me. “But you wish he was, right?”

  I stared at her. “I don’t know. I don’t know how I feel.” That was a lie. I knew exactly how I felt. I just wouldn’t say it. Well, not out loud.

  “He’s not just some guy, though, is he? He’s … Adam. He’s the one man that’s always been there for me. He’s knows me inside and out, and he still thinks I’m amazing. Where else am I going to find someone who—“

  “Lov
es you like that?” Ness interrupted.

  I shook my head gently. “You’re wrong. Whatever you think he might have felt for me, he definitely doesn’t now.”

  The two of them held me tightly, and I instantly regretted everything I’d said at the café.

  “I’m so sorry for everything I said to you both. Don’t hate me.”

  They chuckled. “We could never hate you. We love you,” Dana whispered. Ness nodded and lifted my chin with her hand, forcing me to face her. “Why don’t you stay here tonight? You can get some sleep and go home bright as a button tomorrow.”

  I smiled gratefully at her. “Thank you.”

  Handing me a blanket, she and Dana kissed me goodnight and left the room, turning out the light as they left. I could hear them whispering in the hallway but couldn’t make out what they were saying. I definitely heard Adam’s name, though. Adam. Damn it why did all my thoughts have to revolve around him right now? Turning over on the sofa, I tried to get comfy and settle down for the night. There was little chance of me getting any sleep, but at least I wouldn’t have to listen to Janine and her cries of pleasure all night. The thought turned my stomach. Twenty years, it had taken me almost twenty years, a broken engagement and a fuck buddy agreement to realise that I, Charlene Winters, am in love with my best friend. How screwed up is that? It’s sick, twisted, not to mention, it’s completely messing with my heart and head. I tossed and turned for hours, but I couldn’t get to sleep. When the sun began to peek out from behind Ness’s blinds, I admitted defeat, got up, and prepared myself for the painful and uncomfortable confrontation that would be waiting for me at home.

  * * * *

  Walking in my front door, I cautiously looked around. The whole place was silent. Thank God. Maybe Adam was still asleep or better yet, at work all day. I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up because just as I began to feel relieved, his bedroom door squeaked open. Wearing a pair of Adam’s boxer shorts and a white t-shirt, Janine sauntered out of the room and over to the kitchen. My kitchen. My fists clenched as I tried to control my irritation. Following her to the kitchen, I closed the front door loudly behind me. She jumped and stared at me, startled. “Oh, it’s only you.”