Diary of a Dieter

by Marie Coulson

  He was getting aggravated. “I didn’t know that I had to declare any and all sexual encounters to my best friend. I figured she’d be happy I met someone at all.”

  I groaned. “Oh, please. I was asking for a little honesty. And since when was the bar hopping, china doll your type anyway? I bet her legs spread faster than a forest fire!”

  “What exactly is it that pisses you off more, Charlene? The fact that I was unavailable to satisfy your needs or the fact that I didn’t tell you I had a woman in my bed?”

  I spluttered, and I could feel my anger building. “It’s about honesty! It’s about the fact that we used to tell each other everything, and these days, I feel I hardly know you!”

  Stepping forward, he leaned down, his face inches from mine.

  “Ditto! You want to talk honesty? What happened last weekend?”

  I shook my head in bewilderment. “What do you mean what happened? I came home and found you in—“

  He shook his head and glared at me. “That’s not what I meant. You’re so fucking self-righteous about whom I do or don’t see and what I do or don’t tell you, but you’re worse. You set standards that no woman can possibly meet and then, you go and lower your own!”

  Okay, now I was really confused.

  Stepping back, he raked his fingers through his hair. “I saw you.”

  I shook my head and furrowed my brow. “What are you talking about?”

  “I saw you with Brad!”

  Oh. That.

  He exhaled slowly. “I was on a break from work and was going to get some lunch. I saw you at the café, I saw you holding hands. It was all very cozy.”

  His tone was sharp, and I didn’t like his attitude.

  “So you just assumed that we were together?”

  He shook his head. “No, I didn’t. I knew you must have run into one another, but I saw the way you were looking at him, Charlene. You can’t deny it. You still have feelings for him.”

  I scoffed a laugh. “Are you serious? You think I want Brad? He cheated on me, dumped me, and jilted me!”

  “And that automatically stops you from loving him? You don’t just stop feeling, Charlene, I should know!”

  I stopped and stared at him. Suddenly things made sense. “Is that why you called Janine?”

  He pressed his lips together but said nothing.

  “Oh my God. It is. You saw me with Brad and then called her just to get back at me?”

  He growled in frustration. “I was pissed at you! You told me that you were looking for Mr. Right. How do you think I felt? I felt used and cast aside. I was disposable to you. So what if I needed to feel a little wanted. I wanted to be needed, and Janine was very accommodating.”

  I winced as pain shot through my chest. Tears rolled down my cheeks.

  “You think that’s what you were? You are such an idiot. I came home that night wanting to talk to you. I needed to know how you really felt because I couldn’t do it anymore, Adam. I came home that night to tell you—“

  I stopped myself, deciding I’d already made a fool of myself enough over the past few months.

  Striding up to me, Adam placed his hands on my jaw and lifted my head to face him.

  “That you what, Charlene? Please, I need to hear it.”

  I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter anymore. We’re broken, shattered, and irreparable. I don’t know who you are anymore.”

  Pulling away from him, I started down the path, but he chased after me. Gripping my elbow, he spun me around and pressed his lips against mine, hard.

  My knees weakened, and I could feel my heart pounding beneath my ribcage. Pressing my hands on his chest, I pushed him away.

  “No. I won’t do this anymore.”

  Adam stared at me with tears in his eyes. “Please, Charlene. Just say it.”

  I shook my head. “No.” I began walking away. I couldn’t be near him. I swiped at my eyes, trying to rid myself of the tears as they fell. Adam didn’t follow me, and I was glad. I could hear my mother calling from the house, but I couldn’t go back. I needed to walk, to think, and to calm my frayed nerves. I walked for around an hour before heading back. When I got there, Adam’s car was gone. He was gone. And our relationship, in whatever form, was clearly over.

  Chapter 25

  The apartment felt so bare now. Dropping my case on the floor, I slumped down onto the sofa. Jacob was immediately at my feet, twilling and purring at me. He was after something, no doubt. Whenever I got this sort of attention from my cat, he was usually soliciting either my hand to feed him or wanted to be fussed over. Typical male—thinks he’s the most important creature on the planet. Feed him, rub his belly now and then, and he’s happy. Getting up, I walked over to the kitchen and filled up his little food dish.

  Even the cupboards were lacking. I knew Adam would be gone when I got home, but I didn’t know how awful and desolate it would feel without him here. Glancing around, I frowned as I spotted an envelope with my name on it sitting on the counter top. I opened it with trepidation. I wasn’t sure I was ready for anything it had to say.

  Charlene

  I’ve changed the sheets on the bed. I know you wouldn’t want to touch anything that Janine would have. I’ve also left £500 on the bed. Use it for bills and utilities. It’s my fair share. I’m going to stay with one of the interns at the hospital He has a spare room, now that his roommate graduated. I’ll leave the forwarding address for my mail. I wish you had talked to me. I wish we hadn’t ruined everything. But I don’t regret a single moment I’ve spent with you in these twenty years. I’m taking the job in the U.S. I think the distance will do us both good. It’s time we found our own way now. But I can’t go without telling you how I feel. You might hate me, you might never want to talk to me again, but you have to know …

  I love you. Always have. Always will.

  Adam xx

  Slamming it down on the counter, I sat down on a stool and held my head in my hands. The phone rang from across the room, and I lifted my head but simply stared at it. I had no interest in speaking to the outside world this evening. The train ride home from my mother’s had been torture. After the scene that had played out outside the house, I was too humiliated, angry, and tightly wound to stay. The idea of being questioned by my mother and Nadine was nauseating.

  The answer machine picked up and as a familiar voice echoed around my apartment. I rolled my eyes and sunk further into my misery.

  “Hey, Charlene. It’s Brad. I’ve been waiting and hoping, well, praying that you’ll call. I really want to make amends, sweetheart. I was an idiot. I know that now. I don’t want to live the rest of my life without you. Please call me. I just want to talk. I really think we have a chance at real happiness here. Call me.”

  Urgh. Getting up, I shuffled over and hit the delete button. Just as my finger left the dialing pad, the damn thing rang again.

  “Charlene? It’s your mother. Pick up.”

  Great. If I didn’t answer, she would only call persistently every hour anyway. I might as well get it over with.

  “Yes, Mother? What is it?”

  She sighed heavily. “Oh, Charlene. I don’t know what on Earth has been going on with you and your life lately, but it seems to be an awful mess.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Oh really? I hadn’t noticed, what with being cheated, dumped, then casually sleeping with my best friend, falling for him, and then discovering he’s leaving to go to America.”

  She gasped. “Oh, Charlene. You silly, silly girl. You are on some sort of self-destructive mission, I’m sure. But that’s not why I called. I overheard you and Adam arguing, and he said you saw Brad. What happened? Did he apologise? Does he want you back?”

  I groaned loudly in frustration. After everything I just said, that’s what she wants to talk about? “Mother, did you not just hear me? I’m in love with Adam.”

  “Yes, I heard you. I also heard you fight with him and tell me that he’s leaving to go to the States. He’s clear
ly not the man for you, my dear. But Brad, he’s a steady type. He’s not about to jet off across the world. He’s stable, and you could do a lot worse.”

  Was she serious? “He cheated on me!”

  She sighed again. My mother could possibly have been using up half of the population’s oxygen with the endless sighing she did all day. “I know. But we all make mistakes, Charlene. Goodness knows that men make them more often than we do, but we have to be the bigger person. Do you want to spend the rest of your life alone? I’ve been alone for a long time; I know what it’s really like. Your father abandoned me. Your stepfather up and died on me and then your other one simply changed his mind and divorced me. Life without someone to share it with is empty. I don’t want that for you. I think you should at least consider a reconciliation with Brad.”

  “I have to go, Mother. I appreciate your concern and need to tell me how to run my life, but I assure you, I can ruin it all on my own.”

  Hanging up, I growled loudly. The whole world had gone mad! I suddenly felt extremely tired. Lying on the sofa, I pulled a blanket over myself as Jacob climbed up and sat beside me. I stroked him gently as he purred into my chest. “At least I have you, Jake. To keep me company, curl up and go to sleep with, and someday to eat my lifeless body as it lay rotting in this very apartment. All alone. Forever.”

  Tears slid heavily down my cheeks as I lay there and cried myself to sleep.

  * * * *

  Standing back and staring at my desk, I smiled. It was finally empty. No paperwork, no piles of letters, and no contracts to filter through. I was free to begin a new project at last. Glancing over at the corner of my office, I rolled my eyes. Brad had sent a large bouquet of roses to my office every day for the past two weeks—each with a note and a plea for me to call him. I’d kept the flowers, after all it was a shame to waste a perfectly good bunch of roses simply because I disliked Brad. I did have to admire his persistence though. On the opposite wall hung pictures of my friends—Ness, Dana, and Adam. Could I even call him my friend anymore?

  I hadn’t spoken to him since that day at my mother’s house, but Dana and Ness had informed me that his flight was booked for this coming Saturday. They begged me to come out with them for a drink to see him off, but I couldn’t face it. I felt awful about it and guilt flooded me, but seeing him now, after everything we had said, would be the worst thing in the world. He had a great opportunity opening up to him by leaving, and any contact with me could endanger that. I wouldn’t take the risk. Besides, there really wasn’t anything left to say. Well, maybe one thing, but I just couldn’t do it. Even if he already had.

  “Knock, knock.”

  Turning around, I smiled as Dana and Ness swanned in to my office and greeted me with a tight hug.

  “Hey, guys. What are you doing here?”

  They looked at each other briefly as though looking for an answer. “We thought we’d just drop by and see how you’re doing. You’ve been a little hermit these past weeks, and Dana was worried that you’d been sucked into a black hole or something,” Ness joked. I tilted my head and smiled at them both.

  “I’m fine. Honest.”

  Walking around my desk, I sat in my chair and gestured for them to take a seat.

  “So, what did you really come here for?”

  Dana pressed her lips together. “We thought maybe we could try and convince you to change your mind about tomorrow night. Adam’s going away party?”

  I shook my head in a definitive no.

  “Oh, please, Charlene. The two of you have to make amends before he leaves. You just have to.”

  I shook my head again. “No, Dana. I can’t and won’t. He needs a clean break, and so do I. It’s time we learnt who we are when we’re not Charlie and Adam. Besides, I’m pretty sure he would rather not see me on his last night here. It’s too complicated.”

  Ness sighed. “I think you’re both nuts. Both crazy in love with each other, but too damn stubborn to just bite the bullet, take a chance, and admit you can’t be without each other. Your lives are about to get very lonely. You mark my words.”

  I gave her an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry, guys. I know how hard this has been on you both. It’s not exactly been a fairytale for me either.”

  Dana nodded. “I know. But you really won’t reconsider? He’s been miserable and completely and unbearably distant since you fell out. Please, for the sake of my sanity and your friendship, come to the party.”

  My stomach churned at the thought of Adam’s unhappiness. I hated being the cause. It wasn’t something I was used to. We had always been each other’s reason to smile. I stared at Dana, and she instantly fell silent. “You know my answer, Dana. But the two of you should go. Have fun, get him totally hammered, and make sure you give him the sendoff he deserves. Britain is about to lose a great doctor and an even better man. The U.S. is very lucky.”

  Ness groaned and rubbed her eyes. “One day I will kill you both. I swear. But if this is really what you decide, then naturally we’ll respect it. No matter how much I’d rather just lock you in a room and tie you together. Maybe leave a baseball bat in the corner for you to knock some sense into each other.”

  I smiled at them from across the desk. “Thank you, I think.”

  Standing, they moved toward the door but turned at the last minute. “Want to grab something to eat?” Ness offered.

  I shook my head. “I have stuff to do. You two go, and have fun. I’ll catch up with you later.”

  They each gave me a sympathetic smile before leaving and closing the door behind them.

  I looked around my empty office. I should probably get used to that. Silence, emptiness, and loneliness. A small piece of paper on the desk caught my eye. Picking up the phone, I dialed. I had to try; I had to take at least one chance in my miserable life. Maybe my friends and my mother were right; I didn’t want to be lonely anymore. I had to talk to him. Now.

  “Hello?” his voice purred down the phone.

  “Hi, I just wanted to—“ I held my hand over the receiver and exhaled loudly.

  “Dinner?” he suggested.

  “Okay. Tonight? The bistro around the corner from my place?”

  I could imagine the smile on his lips as he spoke.

  “I’ll pick you up at seven. I’ve missed you, Charlene.”

  I sighed again. “Yeah. I’ll see you at seven.”

  “Can’t wait. Bye Charlene.”

  “Bye Brad.”

  Chapter 26

  “You’re back together?” Ness yelled across the lounge.

  “Will you please keep your voice down? He’s still in there asleep.” I pointed at the bedroom.

  “I don’t care! I’ve half a mind to drag his arse out of bed and sling him out of your apartment. Did you hit your head? Because you must be crazy!”

  I stood from the sofa and held my hands in the air with exasperation.

  “I have the right to make my own decisions, Ness. We went out for dinner the other week and we … talked. He’s not perfect; God knows he’s been an arsehole, but so does he. He knows what he’s done and knows that this is his last chance to put it right.”

  Dana scoffed behind me. “Oh, Charlene. He’ll tell you anything to get his feet back under the table. You’re not thinking straight. Your heart is broken over Adam, and you’re terrified of being alone. That’s all.”

  “And what exactly is wrong with not wanting to be alone? You like being alone?”

  She shook her head and stared out of the window.

  “Charlene, I had the love of my life. I let him slip through my fingers. I’ve been suffering ever since. You had a chance to be happy; Adam spent the entirety of his going away party staring at the door. He denied it, but it was obvious that he was waiting for you. Now when he calls, it’s like he’s afraid to ask us about you. I’m telling you, that man is in pain. He’s miserable. He works nonstop to keep himself busy, and he’s gradually working himself into the ground! I know he’s unhappy there.”


  I looked down at the floor as heartache for him set in. “We would never have worked, Dana.”

  Ness grunted. “You never tried to find out.”

  “Well, it’s too late now! He’s thousands of miles away. Brad is here. Right here, in my bedroom, and he actually wants to be with me. He wants to try and make it work, and I owe it to myself to try. I have to know.”

  Ness shook her head in disgust. “Well, don’t expect us to be happy about it. As far as I’m concerned, he’s a slimy little slug and always will be. Good luck!” Grabbing her purse, she stared at Dana. “Come on, Dana. I don’t want to be here when the nutfucker wakes up.”

  Shaking her head ruefully, Dana followed Ness, and they left the apartment, slamming the door behind them.

  Falling back onto the sofa, I pressed my palms over my face. It wasn’t that my rekindled relationship with Brad was a secret, and I was certainly not ashamed. I simply knew my friends, well, Ness would go bat shit crazy at me as soon as they found out. I needed time to be sure that this was what I wanted before going … public. I was tired of being alone, pining for Adam, and wondering if I was doomed to roam the planet solo for the rest of my life. Surely being with Brad wasn’t my worst option. But right now, it seemed to be my only option. Single life clearly didn’t agree with me, and I had long since decided to cast it aside like yesterday’s newspaper. The bedroom door squeaked from across the room.

  “I take it you told the girls?” I removed my hands to find Brad standing in the doorway in a pair of jeans and a blue shirt, giving me a sympathetic smile.

  I nodded. “It didn’t go so well.”

  Striding over, he sat beside me and placed his arm around my shoulders, pulling me to him for a hug. “You knew they wouldn’t be too happy, but it’s not up to them. Is it? This is our life and our choice. You haven’t changed your mind, have you?”

  I stared into his eyes and smiled. “No. I’m just sad that they can’t be happy for me.”