The Color of Love

by Julianne MacLean

  Or was I sorry for falling in love with another man?

  Chapter Forty-three

  I checked in on Kaleigh and found her lying on her bed listening to music with her ear buds in, so I decided it was as good a time as any to call Josh.

  “Hey,” he said, answering right away. “Great timing. I just finished my shift.”

  “Are you still at the station?” I asked, inching back against the headboard of my bed.

  “Yeah, but I’m getting in my car to head home.” The remote car door lock beeped and I heard the sound of the door opening and closing. “What’s up?”

  Relieved that he was alone, I gave him a moment to settle in. “I have some news and it’s pretty big,” I said. “Are you sitting down?”

  “I am,” he replied. “Should I buckle in?”

  “Maybe. Gosh, I don’t even know where to begin.” I took a deep breath and let it out. “A little while ago I received a phone call from a nurse in a hospital in Newfoundland, Canada. She said they found a man floating on an iceberg in the middle of the ocean and they’re pretty sure it’s Seth.”

  “Oh my God,” Josh said. “On an iceberg? How is that even possible? Is he alive?”

  “Barely,” I replied. “She said he was unresponsive when they got to him and he hasn’t regained consciousness. He’s on life support.”

  “I’m so sorry,” Josh said. “Jesus. Is there a prognosis? Do they know if he’ll make it?”

  “They couldn’t say. It’s very much touch and go. She suggested that we pray. A lot.”

  “Of course we will,” Josh said. “But I can’t believe it. It’s been over a year. How did he survive all that time?”

  “If anyone could survive in the north, it would be Seth,” I replied. “Don’t forget, he climbed Everest five times.”

  “The guy must be super human.”

  “I don’t know about that,” I said with a sigh. “You’d think someone who was super human would be able to do it all, but he never could. Oh, God, I can’t believe I just said that. Today of all days.”

  Josh spoke in a gentle tone. “Clearly the two of you still have some issues to work out.”

  Did we? I wondered uncertainly, because over the past year I’d finally felt like I’d accepted that we were completely done, that we were never meant to be man and wife—never true mates for life.

  But now…

  “What are you going to do?” Josh asked. “Will you go and see him?”

  “I have to,” I replied. “I’m his wife and he’s going to need help. I can’t just abandon him. Not after everything he’s been through.”

  Neither of us said anything for a moment. Then at last Josh spoke.

  “I don’t want to lose you,” he whispered into the phone.

  I felt the warmth of his voice in my ear.

  “I don’t want to lose you either,” I replied. “And I don’t know what’s going to happen. Maybe we’ll get there and…” I couldn’t finish the sentence.

  “But you have to go,” he said. “I understand, and I want you to know that I’m here for you, Carla. No matter what.”

  Relief poured through me and my eyes fell closed. “Thank you, Josh. You’re an amazing man.”

  He asked what time my flight was leaving in the morning, wished me luck, and asked me to keep him posted. I promised I would. Then we hung up and I turned over onto my side and hugged the pillow under my head.

  o0o

  The sound of the phone ringing caused me to jump. I reached for the receiver on the bedside table and nearly knocked over the lamp. “Hello?”

  “Hello, is this Carla Matthews?”

  I wiped a hand over my face. “Yes.”

  “Are you the wife of Seth Jameson, the alpine climber who went missing last year after his plane went down?”

  “Yes, who is this?”

  “My name is Jennie Leblanc and I’m calling from CNN. We understand a man was found floating on an iceberg in the North Atlantic and they believe him to be your husband. Would you mind talking to us about that?”

  I had nearly fallen asleep before the phone rang and hadn’t quite grasped what was going on. “CNN?” I replied. “Do you know anything? Are they sure it’s him?”

  Strangely, in my desire for more information about Seth, I assumed they knew more than I did.

  “That’s why I’m calling,” she said. “Will you be traveling to Newfoundland to reunite with your husband?”

  I paused a moment to regroup. “Yes, I’m flying out first thing in the morning.”

  “How is he doing?” she asked. “Have the doctors told you anything?”

  Again I hesitated. “I really don’t know very much. You’re not going to play this phone call on television, are you?”

  “Not without your permission,” she replied, “but we’d love to do a video interview with you if you’re willing.”

  I shook my head. “No, I really can’t. This has been very difficult and I just want to go and see my husband. Please respect our privacy.”

  “Of course, I understand,” she replied. “Will you be suing George Atherton?”

  I blinked a few times and shook my head as if to clear it. “I don’t know. I really can’t think about that right now. I just need to see Seth.”

  In the end, I had to cut Jennie off and hang up because she wouldn’t stop asking questions. The phone rang again a moment later—this time the call display indicated it was a newspaper, so I unplugged the phone from the wall.

  o0o

  A half hour later, as I was throwing clothes into a suitcase, there was a knock at my apartment door. I jumped because it was eleven o’clock at night and I wasn’t expecting anyone. If this is another reporter…

  I hurried down the hall to look through the peep hole and felt a surge of relief to see Josh.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked as I opened the door.

  He stood in the corridor, still in uniform, a pained look in his eyes. “I couldn’t let you leave without seeing you.”

  Opening the door wider, I stepped back, inviting him in. He entered and waited until I closed and locked it before pulling me into his arms and holding me close.

  “I don’t know the right things to say,” he whispered, “because he’s your husband and what happened to him was terrible. I feel badly—really I do—and I know you have to go to him, but I don’t want you to. I want everything to stay the way it is.”

  I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and buried my face in his neck. “I don’t know the right words to say either. I feel like my whole world has just been flipped upside down. I’m glad Seth’s alive but it’s all so complicated. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, what my responsibilities are. Is it my duty to stay with him?”

  Josh held me away from him to look into my eyes. “I haven’t known you very long,” he said, “but I know you need to do the right thing, and that means going to him now. And I love you for that. Really, Carla. I’m in love with you. No matter what happens, nothing’s going to change that. I’ll wait forever if I have to, or I’ll let you go if that’s what you want. But that’s not what I want. I’m selfish—I know it—but I have to say this to you. If I don’t, it’ll haunt me forever.”

  “Say what?” I pleaded.

  He paused. “You told me it was over between the two of you long before Seth ever got on that plane. If that’s true, I don’t think you should have to sacrifice your future because of a misguided sense of duty. I want you do what you need to do, but then I want you to come back to me.”

  He pressed his lips to mine and backed me up against the wall. Overcome by a mixture of confusion and desire, I clung to him in the dimly lit hallway, kissing him fiercely while struggling with guilt and confusion, because I was another man’s wife—a man who was in a hospital up north, fighting for his life, and I felt such a strong pull to be there.

  “This is wrong,” I whispered in Josh’s ear. “We shouldn’t be doing this. Not now. Not until I get everythin
g figured out.”

  He nodded and squeezed me in his arms, then took a step back. “I’ll wait,” he said. “I’ll be here until you tell me it’s over between us, and you convince me it’s what you really want.”

  My breaths came hard and fast as he moved to the door and unlocked it. He paused only briefly to look at me one last time before he walked out, strode down the hallway and stepped onto the elevator.

  A short while later, when I was all finished packing, I found myself sitting on the edge of my bed, looking down at my left hand and running the pad of my thumb over the place where my wedding band used to be.

  I considered whether or not I should put it back on. What was the right thing to do? Could I show up at Seth’s bedside without it? Gladys certainly wouldn’t appreciate that.

  Maybe I should have acted with more self-interest, but I decided to dig it out of my jewelry box and slide it back on my finger.

  Chapter Forty-four

  The flight to Newfoundland was smooth but grueling because we had to turn off our cell phones, and when I did, it felt as if we’d lost contact with Seth all over again.

  The minute we landed, I called the hospital to find out how he was doing and they said he was the same. He had not yet regained consciousness.

  Then, to our surprise, we were practically accosted by reporters who followed us out of the airport, asking questions about Seth and the plane crash. We walked quickly, said “No comment” repeatedly as we hurried into a cab.

  o0o

  Kaleigh never failed to surprise me with her incredible maturity from the moment the initial phone call about Seth came in, to when we arrived at the hotel.

  She was my rock during the trip, and I don’t know what I would have done without her. She fetched me coffee when I was tired during our layover, and she played cards with Gladys, which helped keep my mother-in-law calm and distracted from the thought of her son lying in a hospital bed, barely alive and completely alone.

  Kaleigh also helped Gladys with her luggage and made sure she had everything as we went through security.

  “Thank you for taking such good care of Gram,” I whispered in her ear as we climbed out of the cab to check in at the hotel. “You’ve been a great help.”

  “I’m just glad to be here,” she replied, “because he’s my dad. I need to see him.”

  I felt another twinge of guilt when I met her gaze, because she knew how I felt about Josh and that I hadn’t exactly been faithful to my missing husband over the past three months.

  At the same time, I suspected she carried her own little purse of guilt for not feeling more grief initially when his plane went down. The truth of the matter was, Kaleigh had never felt a strong connection to Seth, though she’d wanted to. She’d wanted it quite desperately, and part of me believed she blamed herself for his lack of interest in being a real father to her.

  Maybe there was hope that she might get what she so deeply desired. If Seth came through this with a new perspective on life, maybe he would finally be ready to become the father she’d always wanted.

  But there I went again—always imagining that Seth might change and become the man we both wanted him to be. I’d been through this before, after K2.

  But something felt different this time. It felt like the promise of a new beginning. Even if it meant saying good-bye.

  Chapter Forty-five

  As soon as we stepped off the elevator at the intensive care unit, my heart began to race. I noticed the familiar hospital smells of antiseptic and rubbing alcohol. They reminded me of my difficult labor and breach delivery with Kaleigh, when Seth was nowhere to be found.

  As I scanned the area for the nurses’ station, I said to Gladys. “It’s this way.” I couldn’t begin to imagine what she must be feeling. Seth was her beloved son, miraculously back from the dead, but not quite back…

  One of the nurses, who was seated behind the counter, immediately looked up from her computer screen when I told them who we were.

  “I’m Donna,” she said. “I spoke to you on the phone last night. You must be Carla?”

  “Yes,” I replied, “and this is Gladys, Seth’s mother, and Kaleigh, our daughter.”

  “It’s nice to meet you all,” she said. “I’m glad you were able to get here so quickly. Did you get past the reporters without too much trouble?”

  “Yes, but they’re a persistent bunch, aren’t they?”

  “They are. But don’t you worry about that now. Let me show you to Seth’s room.”

  She came out from behind the counter and began leading us down the hall.

  “I’m not sure what you know,” she mentioned in a quiet voice, “but he still hasn’t opened his eyes. We’ve been taking good care of him: shaved off his beard, trimmed his hair and bathed him, but you should prepare yourselves for how different he’ll look to you. He’s quite thin.”

  “And you still don’t know where he was all this time?” Gladys asked. “Or how he ended up on the iceberg?”

  Donna shook her head. “I hope we’ll be able to get those answers.”

  Meaning, of course, I hope he’ll live to tell the tale.

  We all followed her down the hall while my stomach rolled with nervous anticipation. Kaleigh took hold of my hand and squeezed it. I wasn’t sure if she was seeking assurance from me or attempting to give it. Either way, I was grateful to have her with me.

  At last we arrived at room 403, and Donna gestured with a hand. “He’s right in there.”

  I peered around the corner and saw Seth lying on a bed under a blue blanket with an oxygen mask over his face, tubes sticking out of his arms and machines flashing and beeping all around him.

  Gladys covered her mouth with a hand and whispered, “Dear God. I can’t bear it.”

  “At least he’s alive,” I said, rubbing a hand over her shoulder. “And he’s with us now.”

  When she made no move to enter, I slowly stepped forward and approached the bed. Circling around the foot of it, I noticed how thin his body appeared beneath the blanket. Then I came to his side and leaned over to look at his face.

  It was indeed unrecognizable.

  For a few heart-stopping seconds I stared at him in disbelief, then blinked a few times to try and focus my eyes. My body went strangely numb.

  No…something was terribly wrong here. I reached out to lift the oxygen mask away from his face, took a very good look at him, and then set the mask back in place.

  On the inside, my stomach was reeling with sickening dread and unthinkable disillusionment, but I did my best to maintain a calm demeanor as I turned to regard Gladys, Kaleigh and Donna.

  “This isn’t him,” I said. “It’s not Seth. It’s someone else.”

  Donna’s eyebrows flew up in astonishment. “Are you sure?” She rushed in to stand on the other side of the bed and removed the mask again. “Look again. He’s very gaunt. It might seem difficult at first, but—”

  “No, it’s not him. I’m positive.”

  Gladys approached the bed and stood at the foot of it, staring blankly at me in silence.

  “Come closer,” I said to her, waving a hand.

  Her face was drawn and pale as she took my place and leaned over the man I was certain was not Seth.

  “It’s not him,” she said, agreeing with me. “I would know my son anywhere, and that’s not him.” In a flash of movement, she whirled around to hug me and sobbed into my shoulder.

  “I’m so sorry.”

  All I could do was hold her close while I kept my eye on Kaleigh, who was slowly moving into the room with an intense look of confusion and curiosity.

  “It’s not him?” she asked.

  “No, honey,” I replied.

  Donna turned to leave. “I have to let the doctor know. Please stay here. I’ll be right back.”

  Kaleigh wrapped her hands around the shiny chrome bedrail and stared at the man for a long while. She leaned over him and studied the features of his face. Then at last her eyes lifted an
d she met my gaze.

  “If this isn’t Dad, who is it?”

  Chapter Forty-six

  “How could you make a mistake like this?” Still sobbing as she spoke, Gladys waved a tissue around in her fist.

  I rubbed her back, hoping to calm her down. “He was carrying Seth’s journal and wallet,” I explained to her, “and he had a heavy beard when they found him. It was a reasonable mistake.”

  “But who is this man?” Gladys demanded to know, “and why does he have my son’s things?”

  “Maybe when he wakes up he can tell us,” Kaleigh helpfully suggested.

  “That’s if he wakes up,” Gladys replied. “The odds don’t look so good right now.”

  “Shh, Gram,” Kaleigh said, holding a finger to her lips. “He’s right there. He can hear you.”

  I regarded my daughter curiously.

  “She’s right,” Donna said. “Let’s take this discussion elsewhere.”

  I couldn’t have agreed more.

  We followed Donna out and she led us to a lounge area outside the ICU with a television, sofas and some bookcases.

  “What if that man doesn’t wake up?” Gladys asked. “How will I live with this?” She turned to me. “Surely this is enough evidence to make them send out more search parties. If this man is alive, that means he was in contact with Seth. What if he robbed him, or killed him?”

  “He was probably on the plane with him,” Kaleigh suggested.

  “That makes sense,” I said. “There were others as well. Two pilots and a couple of members from the film crew. I can’t remember their names, but I’m sure the local authorities can—”

  “I can look it up on my phone!” Kaleigh offered, whipping it out of her pocket. “There were tons of news stories about it last year.”

  “Good thinking,” Donna said.

  As Kaleigh keyed in the information, I couldn’t help but glance back at the room where the mystery man was fighting for his life.

  What must he have gone through?

  My heart squeezed painfully in my chest.