Only Love

by Smith, Victoria H.

  “Please just promise you’ll only go around this block, though, Aubrey. However many times you want, for as long as you want. I’ll just feel better knowing where you are.”

  He looked so worried. I hated that me being hurt had hurt him so much. I gave a quick nod, which meant I’d do as he asked.

  The night air hit my lungs when I inhaled a deep breath, hoping in vain that it’d instantly make me feel better. No such luck. I made my way down the sidewalk with my hands in the pockets of my hoodie, at ease despite the sorts of things that went on in this neighborhood at night. Tonight, though, I gave very little thought to my own wellbeing. All I could think about was Javi.

  As I pulled the hood up on my head, a cop car rounded the corner; the officer inside made eye contact, gave a nod, and then continued on past me. I thought nothing of it until three minutes later when he circled around again. It hit me then that Adam had probably called in a favor from someone in the area. He cared so much—about me, about Rissa, about Gabby. It was that care and affection that drew me to him, but I found myself wondering if maybe I’d given up on Javi too fast. My prevailing thought since finding out that he was gone had been that I was sad he wouldn’t be around for Rissa. However, the second I fell for Adam I was ready to let go of years of history and of my daughter’s chance to have her mommy and her daddy in the house with her while growing up.

  Selfish. Disloyal.

  These were the only words that seemed to fit my behavior—dismissing Javi and moving on to Adam because of how I feel about him. Had he messed up? Was the credit card thing a major hit to my trust for him and my finances? Hell yes. But I still think I would’ve held on if my feelings for Adam hadn’t been so strong, hadn’t clouded my judgment.

  Before he came into the picture, I was all about me and Rissa and Gabby. We had our share of struggles, but we were making it. Maybe I jumped the gun with this whole thing—this relationship. The problem with this theory was that I loved Adam. Genuinely. Completely.

  I came back up on my building an hour later and stood there at the end of the walkway, hearing the engine of a car passing behind me. Without looking, I knew it was the cop again. I had no idea how to do this—grieve for a man who’d hurt me on so many occasions, but never made me question his love for me… if that makes any sense. I was lost for too many reasons to name, but one thing was for sure; I couldn’t process this clearly with Adam so close.

  I turned the knob to my apartment door and eased in without waking Gabby. Leaving my shoes at the entrance, I walked down the hall after peeking in on Rissa. Sound asleep like I expected her to be. My next stop was my bedroom where I found Adam sitting on the edge of my bed, eyes trained on the window, silent. When I took a seat beside him, he didn’t move. I sought his hand where it rested on his lap and clutched it, held it like I might not get another chance.

  “Adam, I…” I stopped before I could start crying again. “I think I need to deal with this.”

  He nodded, but didn’t say anything. Not even when I added “…on my own.”

  As soon as I spoke the words, I was reminded of something Javi used to say—‘you make it so hard for people to help you.’ Hearing his voice in my head it became useless to try to keep the tears in. They flowed freely and I let them—let them because I was afraid I’d go insane if I tried to hold everything in.

  After a long bout of silence, Adam cleared his throat. Still holding my hand he replied. “Aubrey, you’re going to have to tell me what that means.”

  I didn’t know what to say.

  “Because right now?” he continued. “I’m all the way in this. Heart. Mind. Body. Soul. All the way. So if you’re asking me to do something other than take care of you and the girls, other than being there for you all, you’ll have to make it plain because I don’t know how to do that.”

  He was hurt. I could hear it.

  My heart wrenched at the thought of Adam feeling shut out, but this was what I needed. I needed to mourn Javi the way I saw fit, which didn’t include me and Adam going on about our business like he was never a factor. Like he never existed.

  “I’m so sorry,” left my lips in a whisper. I didn’t know what else to say. I was sorry; for hurting him, for not knowing how to handle this another way, for needing space.

  “Don’t be,” he said back, trying his best to sound unaffected, but I heard it.

  His hand slipped from beneath mine as he stood, and it wasn’t until then that I noticed he was already back in his jeans, as if he was already planning to leave or expecting me to request it. He moved closer to the door and I almost stopped him.

  Almost.

  I heard him pause just before hitting the hallway. “Just let Gabby know I’ll still take her to school,” he said with a heavy sigh. “She can uh, either come to my apartment or I’ll wait for her in the car.” He rubbed his forehead like he was frustrated.

  I nodded. “Okay.”

  That was it. We lingered in awkward silence for a few seconds longer and then he was gone. When I heard the apartment door close lightly, I rested on my bed, knowing sleep wouldn’t come before daylight. My head was a cluttered mess. Now I had two reasons to feel guilty. On top of the obvious, it wasn’t lost on me that I wasn’t only taking myself away from Adam, but I was also taking Rissa too. And he loved her genuinely. She’d miss him. He’d definitely miss her.

  It seemed like whatever I did, someone was losing.

  Going from being virtually inseparable to having contact exactly once out of the past five days, Gabby knew something was up between Adam and me. Still, she hadn’t pried yet. I looked up from my textbook at her polishing her toenails on an old towel in the middle of the living room floor. Rissa stayed busy in her playpen, tossing her stuffed animals at the back of Gabby’s head just for laughs. I’d hoped that having finals would keep my mind off Adam, but more than anything, thinking of him was actually distracting me from studying. I missed him. A lot. However, the distance still felt necessary.

  In my peripheral, I saw Gabby staring like she’d been doing off and on for the past hour, looking away every time I’d meet her gaze. I put my highlighter in my page and shut the book.

  “Okay, spill it,” I demanded.

  She tried to pretend like she didn’t know what I was talking about. When my stare persisted, she let her true emotions bleed through.

  She sighed before speaking. “Okay, promise not to get mad?”

  I nodded and gave her my full attention, turning the television down. “Of course I won’t.”

  Despite me giving her my word, she was still hesitant. “So, I’ve been thinking; Adam hasn’t been around a whole lot lately.” There was a brief pause before she added, “That ‘cause of what happened with Javi?” she asked timidly.

  My heart skipped a beat and I took a deep breath. “Gabby…”

  “I’m not trying to get in your business or anything like that,” she insisted. “I just… I know you,” she concluded.

  What did that mean?

  “You know me?” I asked, seeking clarity.

  She hesitated again. “We’ve known each other for a few years and every time things get hard, you always try to take it on yourself; you don’t let anybody help you,” she tapered off. “It just seems like, with things being so messed up and all, this would be the time for Adam to be around.”

  I didn’t know what to say, hearing her give such a mature rationalization at her age.

  “And again, don’t be mad,” she repeated. “But I talked to him about it too.”

  My eyes widened. “What did you say?”

  She detected the slight elevation in my tone and looked like she didn’t want to continue. That wasn’t an option, though. She chewed the side of her lip. “I just asked him the same thing I asked you—why he hadn’t been around.”

  A lump formed in my throat. “What’d he say back?”

  Gabby shrugged. “Just that he was giving you space to grieve. That was it.”

  I thought back o
n the night of my conversation with Adam, envisioning that look on his face—the one that left me with the impression that me distancing myself from him was one of the hardest things he’d ever been faced with. It broke my heart every time I allowed myself to remember it. Clearing my throat, I pushed the thought to the back of my mind.

  “Well, you’re young, Gabby. There are some things you just don’t understand yet,” I replied.

  She bypassed my attempt at smoothing this conversation over without addressing her concerns with me pushing people away. “How come it’s okay for you to be there for me, but you don’t let nobody come through for you?” she asked with an air of innocence, really only seeking understanding.

  I parted my lips to answer her, but knew my explanation could further taint her perspective of the world. What I wanted to say was ‘If you give people the opportunity to let you down, they almost always will’, but I refrained. Besides, I didn’t believe that theory applied to Adam anyway, so it was a moot point. My reasons for distancing myself from him were totally unrelated. However, she wouldn’t understand me telling her that being with Adam right now brought on so much guilt that it almost suffocated me.

  Loving Adam the way I do considering the circumstances with Javi, it just didn’t feel right.

  “Just leave it alone, Gabby,” I concluded, the back of my throat tightening when my emotions came to a head. I think she saw the tears in my eyes when I went back to my textbook, which is why she didn’t press. Her eyes were on me for a little while longer before she went back to her nails.

  It wasn’t lost on me that most of what she said was one-hundred percent right, but I couldn’t expect her to understand the complexity of the situation.

  Dinner was almost done and I still hadn’t seen Gabby. Since our conversation the night before, she’d been kind of standoffish, but I hadn’t known her to turn down a meal yet. To make sure she knew we were okay I even made her favorite meal. I told her the menu before she left for school, so I knew the odds of her showing up were good.

  Getting home later than usual from class had put me behind schedule a bit, but it helped that Cindy and Joan had Rissa ready to go when I got to the daycare. It was a little awkward facing the pair knowing that Adam had most likely told them we hadn’t spoken, but they didn’t treat me any differently. They were all smiles as usual and I appreciated that—appreciated them not letting my and Adam’s situation affect our relationship.

  They did, however, ask me how I’d been, referring to my state of mind since the news of Javi. They weren’t surprised to hear that it varied from day-to-day. Some days I could hold it together, but I could be a sobbing mess the next. Both embraced me and encouraged me to reach out to Adam instead of trying to get through this on my own, but I knew deep down that wouldn’t be happening. When they saw that discussing him was hard for me, they changed the subject, asking for the date, time, and location of the upcoming candlelight vigil Javi’s family was holding in the community. It shocked me that they were planning to attend, but it shouldn’t have. Joan and Cindy were just those kinds of people.

  A soft knock at the door pulled me from my thoughts as I gave the mashed potatoes another stir. Wiping my hands, I walked to the door and opened it, laying eyes on Gabby like I expected. However, what I did not expect was for her to have Adam in tow. My breath hitched in my throat as my hand froze on the knob. He stared down on me through a look of uncertainty. My heart swelled at the sight of him, reminding me how much I missed him. Everything about him.

  What the hell did you do, Gabby?

  Cautiously, I stepped aside and let both enter my apartment. When I shut the door, I stood there facing it for a moment, trying to wrap my mind around having to interact with him. It was hard enough maintaining the distance between us when he wasn’t around, but now…

  “Dinner ready?” Gabby asked, trying to sound like she wasn’t worried about my reaction to her ill-timed setup. The fake smile plastered on her face was a testament to her nervousness. She took a gamble inviting him up here.

  Adam scratched the back of his neck and then took a deep breath before speaking. “You uh… you didn’t really invite me for dinner, did you?” he realized, probably because I looked like a deer caught in headlights. Clearly, Gabby had duped him too.

  I shot her an incredulous look before addressing Adam. My eyes shut for a second while I composed myself. “Um, no, but you can stay. I have enough food.”

  His feet were already carrying him toward the door before he spoke again. “No, it’s cool. I can go. I just thought that…”

  “Stay. Please,” I reiterated.

  When he met my gaze there was so much unquenched emotion between us that I lost my breath—so many unspoken words, all bottled up inside us both. I could hardly stand to look at him, but couldn’t turn away either. My hands began to tingle as the sensation of touching him returned to them. The memory of his scent returned to me too and I longed for him in a way I hadn’t allowed myself to do in days. Like I said, I missed him.

  Needing something to do with my arms to keep from embracing him, I folded them over my chest while I waited for him to decide whether he’d accept or decline my invitation. Eventually, he gave in.

  I gave a tight smile filled with anxiety and left him and Gabby in the living room so I could finish cooking. Through the cutout in the wall between the stove and fridge, I saw Adam go to Rissa. Both of their faces lit up as she banged on the side of her playpen excitedly. I didn’t realize how the sight of him holding her for the first time in days affected me until I had to wipe a tear from my cheek. It looked like, with her in his arms, Adam was breathing for the first time since having that conversation in my bedroom. Like I imagined, it hurt him just as bad not being able to be with Rissa as it did to not be with me. I had to look away. Had to.

  Gabby appeared in the doorway of the kitchen looking scared as hell. And she should’ve. I couldn’t even say anything to her. While I knew her intentions were good, she was sticking her nose where it didn’t belong. When I failed to speak, she went ahead and said something first.

  “Aubrey, I’m sorry. I just wanted you two to talk.”

  Again, I said nothing, just shook my head as I turned the stove off, going to the cabinet for plates.

  Gabby took a step closer. “Are you mad?”

  My eyes darted to her face. “I’m trying really hard not to be, but this… you crossed the line this time,” I whispered, trying my hardest not to cry, not with Adam in the next room.

  Gabby lowered her head.

  I braced my hands on the counter and took several deep breaths to calm myself down. “This is hard enough without having to see him.”

  In my peripheral, I could see her fidgeting with her fingers. “But does it have to be like that? Where you don’t see him? It just doesn’t make a whole lot of sense if you ask me.”

  My eyes went to hers again. “That’s the thing, though. I didn’t ask you, Gabby!” My voice was louder than I intended for it to be. Shaking my head, I looked away from her.

  “I’m sorry if I did something wrong,” she added timidly.

  A truckload of stress fell on my shoulders in that moment and all of the frustration, guilt, and sadness that’d been hanging over my head by a thread, came crashing down on me right there in the kitchen. When the tears started coming faster, Gabby froze in shock. She hadn’t seen me cry like this. I always held it in until I was alone, but I couldn’t now. I was at my breaking point.

  “I said I was sorry,” she whispered. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

  I ran my hand over my mouth and tried to quiet down, but the silence coming from the living room let me know that our private conversation wasn’t so private anymore. My heart sank when Adam appeared behind Gabby in the opening between the kitchen and living room, his arms free of Rissa, which meant she was back in her playpen.

  The look on his face seemed pained, like he was torn between wanting to comfort me and wanting to respect my request tha
t he keep his distance. “I um… I think I should just take off,” he eventually said, aiming his thumb over his shoulder in the direction of the door. “I appreciate the invitation to stay. From both of you,” he said, addressing Gabby too. “This just wasn’t a good idea.” His hand landed on Gabby’s shoulder when he finished speaking.

  I watched as he turned to leave, feeling like he was taking my entire heart with him when that door closed. The second he was gone, Rissa let out a scream that hurt my very soul, knowing why she was upset. When I went to her, she was reaching toward the entrance of the apartment where Adam had just disappeared. I grabbed her up in my arms, but even that didn’t sooth her. She didn’t want me. She wanted Adam.

  Emotionally drained and physically tired, I realized there was no use fighting my tears or hers. I collapsed on the couch with Rissa in my arms, sitting there feeling defeated as we both cried for him. She wriggled in my arms, not understanding why Adam had come and gone so fast. I couldn’t even get myself together enough to try to calm her down.

  The water in my eyes blurred my vision as I watched Gabby leave too. I knew she was trying to help, knew she meant well, but her efforts had only made things worse. I meant to stop her from going, meant to tell her I wasn’t upset with her, but no words came out. Instead, I let her leave.

  I didn’t know what time it was when Rissa and I finally tired ourselves out, but when I awoke in the middle of the night we were still on the couch and she was sniffling in her sleep. I carried her to her crib, and then wrapped up the dinner we never got a chance to eat. Turning off the lights on my way to my bedroom, I found myself dreading the idea of sleeping there alone tonight. So instead of forcing it, I doubled back to the couch and curled up there, staring at the closed door of my apartment longingly, imagining Adam walking through it again. But then that same pang of guilt that had kept me from being able to have peace returned, carrying with it an image of Javi when he left a couple years ago. He was trying to be brave because that was just him, but I knew better. Finding out only days before about Rissa, he looked like he’d give anything to turn back the hands of time, going back to the day before he enlisted. He wanted to stay here.