Only Love

by Smith, Victoria H.

  Smiling at the thought, I slid my coat off, leaving my damp boots by the door next. I kept my steps silent, as the apartment was quiet. I didn’t want to wake the girls, but I kind of hoped they were still up. Especially when I heard soft voices coming from Aubrey’s room. I got there, and though disappointed that the voices I heard were nothing but the television, I couldn’t be upset. I found my girls there.

  My girls. Shaking my head, blissful at the thought, I entered the room. Aubrey slept soundly on her back, Rissa breathing lightly on top of her, asleep on her mom’s stomach. The pair lay in front of a Peanuts cartoon playing on TV, the holiday one with Snoopy and friends. I could only stare at them at first, thinking how lucky I was. Lucky that I was here and that this was my life. I’d spent many Christmases either alone or with my moms when they’d manage to break me down, not letting me do so that year. But if I had to spend that time alone to wait for this, what was here now in front of me, I’d gladly spend many more Christmases by myself. So many more.

  Sitting on the edge of the bed, I touched Aubrey’s arm, her dark eyes a welcome sight as she fluttered them open at me.

  “Hmm. Hey,” she said sleep drunk. Aubrey slept heavy. She probably wouldn’t remember most of this conversation.

  Knowing that, I bent down, slipping my hands under Rissa’s arms, lifting her off her mother.

  “Oh. I can put her down.” Aubrey said that, but even still, she was turning away from me, falling asleep on her pillow.

  I had her daughter on my chest and she released a cute little yawn as I placed her there. Settling my hand on her head, I bent down and kissed her sleepy mom before rising up. Aubrey didn’t even stir as I left the room.

  I went across the hall to Rissa’s room. Aubrey already had her in her Onesie, so all I had to do was lay her down. Before I did, I gave her a goodnight kiss too on her cheek, again counting my blessings at the small one in my hands. How I was given such a gift I didn’t know but I wouldn’t question the universe. I wouldn’t question it anymore.

  I placed her down, resting my hand on her back for just a moment before leaving her and going to her nightlight. She always cried if we forgot to turn it on.

  Bending down by the outlet, I flicked it on, casting the dark room in twinkling stars. The light created pretty designs on her ceiling for her to watch at night, watch in case she got scared or lonely. I rose up, heading to the door.

  “Daddy?”

  I didn’t think I heard the word at first. I didn’t, which was why I didn’t stop. I continued to the door, but when I heard that word again, that wonderful word, I nearly lost the ability to breath. I hadn’t heard that word for a long time. I hadn’t heard it since I lost Abby.

  “Daddy?” came the word again and I turned around, seeing the face of the one who said it, the sleepy face who stood in her crib, rubbing a fist over her eye.

  I went to Rissa with controlled steps, trying to keep it together. She still stood there, her hand pushing the sleep out of her eyes as I came closer. Maybe she didn’t say what I thought she had. Maybe she didn’t—

  “Daddy?”

  I saw her lips move that time as she dropped her hand from her eyes, and those warm brown irises shined up at me expectantly. Like she was waiting for a response. Perhaps, she was as no one had responded to her. But I couldn’t be that to her. I couldn’t. I didn’t have the honor. I…

  I placed my hand on her crib, swallowing. “Rissa?” I forced out. She’d said many words in the last few months, putting together no more than two to four at a time. She repeated a lot of what she heard around her. Was this that? Or was she aware of what she was saying? My thoughts loomed at the unknown, but then I watched her bend down, her chubby legs getting her closer to the bed. She picked up a book, a thin one with a gold spine and shook it at me, a small grin on her face.

  “Daddy, stowy,” she said. “Daddy, stowy?”

  She wants me to read to her.

  “Daddy, stowy?” she asked again, and I bent down. Picking her up, I pressed her against my chest, my hand to her hair as my heart raced.

  “Yes, sweetheart. Yes,” I told her, kissing her cheek and making her giggle. I couldn’t help it. I was just so happy. I pulled her away, staring down at her in wonder. “Story? You want me to read you a story? Which one?”

  She held up her book again, giving a crook smile. “Jack Bweenstalk.”

  It was Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve and this little girl wanted me to read her Jack and the Beanstalk. Dare I say, my little girl god-willing. If she’d let me. If she’d have me.

  In all my joy, I laughed and that’s when I discovered the cloudiness behind my eyes, making my vision murky. I cupped her head, giving her another kiss on her forehead. “Jack Bweenstalk it is.”

  Light hadn’t touched the sky just yet, but I awoke with the distinct feeling that it was already morning. The glow of red, digital numbers on the nightstand confirmed this. It was barely past 5 AM. However, based on the feel of warm lips kissing their way down the front of my neck, I concluded that I was about to get my first Christmas present early.

  Adam’s hand trailed urgently up my torso, gathering my shirt with it as he raised the material above my breasts. I’d barely gotten my bearings straight when the same moist heat that’d teased my neck a moment ago enveloped one budding nipple and then the next as they were drawn into Adam’s mouth. His tongue felt so soft against the now rigid flesh as he tugged gently at first, sucking more feverishly when he pressed his solid length against my thigh. I couldn’t help but to give in to my need for him, wedging my hand between our two bodies, down his pants, where I found he’d come to bed without boxers beneath them. My hand encircled his blazing shaft and a surge of wetness pooled between my legs.

  Even though we now shared my bed on a fairly regular basis, I hadn’t grown tired of being awakened like this. Sometimes, it’d be only an hour or two after we’d doze for the evening, and other times, on occasion, Adam would have me instead of his morning coffee to get him going before his shift began. Either way, there was nothing like waking up to the man you love wanting to show you what you mean to him rather than tell you.

  Adam dragged a hand down my stomach, over my sex, to my naked thigh as I’d gone to bed in only my t-shirt and panties the night before. His touch was hypnotic, left me feeling dazed and confused and wondering where those long fingers would venture next. I was still holding my breath, waiting, when he gently turned me over onto my side, my back pressed to his bare chest, his erection constrained between his body and mine. Grabbing my hips just above the waistband of the thin layer of purple silk covering my lower half, a slow, warm breath cascaded over my ear as my lids drifted closed.

  With just enough haste to convey how badly he wanted me, Adam freed himself through the opening at the front of his pants, deciding that valuable time would be wasted if he stopped to pull them down. Now that I’d been on birth control for a few months, I didn’t give it a second thought when there was no mention of a condom, no effort to reach for one, as my leg was lifted and my panties tugged to the side. Adam grunted heavily when he entered me from behind, the soft hairs at the base of his shaft brushing against my backside when he sank in completely, filled me to maximum capacity. I lost my breath and turned my face toward his when his chin came to rest against my shoulder. Our mouths touched, breathing against one another’s lips to Adam’s rhythmic thrusts.

  I was dripping wet and delighting in the sensation of my own release when Adam’s came upon him swiftly, too. The warm surge of fluid that filled me when he did, caused us both to shiver from head to toe, even as I rested in his arms after it was over. He lay there spent, breathless, holding me close. Slowly, the high came down and Adam and I were left to bask in the afterglow as the sun finally made its appearance over the horizon, filling my bedroom with pale yellow light.

  Adam’s lips touched my shoulder and I smiled when he spoke the words, “Merry Christmas.”

  Indeed it was.

  “Mer
ry Christmas,” I replied.

  Another kiss was shared and then, gently, he finally dislodged himself from inside me and let my raised leg collapse onto the other.

  “Shower with me before Rissa wakes up?” He requested.

  I answered the question by standing from the bed and leaving my clothes behind in the hamper near the closet. Adam did the same and followed me down the hallway naked to the bathroom. We bathed, unable to resist the few times we touched one another for purposes other than getting clean, but mostly kept it PG. There was an unspoken urgency driving us both because it was just a matter of time before Rissa would be up asking for breakfast.

  I towel dried myself on one side of the bed while Adam did the same on the other. He seemed happy today, lighthearted. I assumed it was a combination of the morning sex and the fact that it was our first Christmas together. Hell, I was all smiles, too.

  “Was everything okay at work last night?” I asked. “We missed having you here.”

  He tore his eyes away from the long stare he’d just given my breasts to look at my face. “Yeah, it was fine. Would’ve preferred to be here, though.”

  I smiled and then went to the dresser for a pair of panties and a fresh pair of pajamas to put on for the time being, until it was time to head over to Cindy and Joan’s place later in the day. After that, we’d head back home to put Rissa down for bed. I was excited about this being the beginning of Adam and I starting our own traditions with Rissa.

  “Wait ‘til you see what Rissa made you at daycare. It’s adorable,” I said, unable to stop cheesing as I envisioned the hand-painted picture frame Adam’s moms had helped Rissa construct out of popsicle sticks and felt. I’d used a picture of the three of us from Thanksgiving and stuck it in the frame already so he could take it to work if he wanted. He’d love it, I was sure.

  I watched as he seemed to zone out on a thought and I sat on the bed, staring at him for several seconds before he even realized it. “Okay, something’s definitely up with you. What is it?” I asked, wanting to be let in on whatever had Adam on cloud nine this morning.

  He sat beside me on the comforter in a pair of boxer-briefs. It took a second, but he eventually looked my way and I was right, there was something that had his heart puffed up. “When I came in last night from work, I took Rissa to lay her down.”

  I nodded, remembering her drifting off on my chest one moment, and awaking to only Adam asleep beside me the next.

  “I put her down in her crib, turned on her nightlight, and got ready to walk out, but then…” he paused. A look of contentment filled his expression until a cloud of uncertainty snuck in and stole some of it away. His eyes flickered up toward me and what he said next brought me to tears. It really did. “Aubrey, she called me Daddy. Without either of us encouraging it, with her never being told to call me anything other than Adam… she called me Daddy,” he repeated. “All on her own.”

  I was in shock as I stared at him, wide-eyed. How would she know to… I mean… where’d she hear…

  The last trace of contentment slipped from Adam’s face when I failed to respond. “That bothers you, doesn’t it?” he asked in a low voice, clearly concerned that this news had upset me. He touched my hand and I gripped his fingers. Hearing the worry in his tone, I brushed away the wetness from my eyes. I went through a series of emotions, but none of them were negative. The one that overwhelmed me the most was happiness. No, I wouldn’t have told my daughter to call a man daddy who was not her father, but that wasn’t what this was. This was natural. Her choice. I could only gather that she’d seen other examples of father figures on television or in person and she related Adam to being all of those she’d come to know a father to be. To her, to my daughter, Adam was her daddy.

  “It doesn’t bother me,” I was finally able to say; however, I don’t know that Adam believed me until I pulled him in and hugged him, grateful for him for too many reasons to name. While Rissa had a father who loved her and would have given her the world, it was a fact that he was no longer here. Javi would have given anything to still be a dad to her, to protect her, to teacher her, to love her, but that was out of our control. Now, though, Adam had been placed in my life and hers, and I had a strong feeling that he had plans to stay.

  I would’ve held onto him longer if the sound of Rissa’s crib rattling hadn’t hit the air, signaling us that she was awake. If one of us didn’t hurry and get to her, she’d start trying to break out of that thing by any means necessary. We’d seen it with our own eyes. Adam moved to go to her, but I placed my hand on his arm.

  “I’ve got her.” I smiled, kissing his cheek before standing. “You just grab the camera and meet me in the living room so we can get started with the gifts after I get her cereal.”

  “Did you forget that I’m making us all breakfast this morning?” he said reminding me.

  Honestly, with this conversation about what Rissa said, and with that passionate wakeup call of his, it did slipped my mind. “I’ll just give her a little bit to hold her over until you get done then.”

  Adam nodded and had already made it to my bedroom closet where I kept the camera when I stepped out into the hall. Pushing Rissa’s door open, I was greeted by the biggest, brightest grin any mother could ask for. Her arms were stretched toward me before I even made it all the way inside her room.

  “Good morning, baby! Did you sleep good?”

  Rissa’s curls warmed the side of my neck when she nestled her head in the crook of my shoulder. “Eat, Mommy. Eat,” was the greeting that I got, causing me to laugh.

  “I’m already on it,” I assured her, heading straight toward the kitchen to get her some Cheerios. Rissa clapped her hands and stole a few pieces from her plastic Dora bowl before I could set her down in the highchair. While strapping her in, I glanced back toward my bedroom, wondering why Adam hadn’t come out yet to get started on the food. Assuming he was having trouble finding the camera, I left Rissa to eat for a moment while I went to see if he needed help.

  “It should be in that white basket by the shoeboxes,” I was in the middle of saying to Adam when I walked in. However, when I laid eyes on him, it was almost like he hadn’t heard a thing I said—never looked my way. My eyes shifted to his left hand, which was already clutching the camera. That’s when I realized the thin booklet I hadn’t pulled out in months must’ve been to blame. Adam’s eyes lifted to mine for a moment, but then went right back to the paper—Javi’s obituary from the vigil. I folded my arms over my chest and leaned against the doorframe when the shadow of old feelings, old hurt, began to resurface.

  Adam’s face was blank, completely void of expression as he stared at Javi’s picture printed on the front page. I didn’t know what to say, mostly because I wasn’t sure why he had it. It dawned on me that maybe he’d just found it by mistake, which was believable because I kept it on the same basket as the camera.

  “Javier Ruiz,” he said quietly, I believe more to himself than to me. Still, I responded.

  “Yeah, that’s Rissa’s dad.” I rubbed the back of my neck and wished he’d never made this discovery. Not today. Today was supposed to be easy and light. Losing Javi, moving past his death, was neither of those things. “I thought to show it to you back when everything was all still happening, but then I figured there really was no point.”

  Adam said nothing, just gave a slow nod.

  Wanting to put an end to this… this awkwardness, I suggested that we make our way to the front of the apartment toward the kitchen so we could do breakfast and then watch Rissa open her presents. To my surprise, Adam hesitated a moment longer, and then finally put Javi’s obituary back where he found it. Neither of us spoke a word as we walked the hall.

  Rissa’s face lit up when the two of us appeared in the doorway of the kitchen where we found her with a mouth full of Cheerios and one stuck to her chin. I wiped it away and washed her hands then sat at the table beside her while Adam pulled out the eggs, bacon and the other items he’d need. He was qu
iet now. Different. When we finished eating, we headed toward the lit Christmas tree. After sitting Rissa down in the middle of the floor, I glanced at Adam again. Something was still off and I assumed it had to do with seeing Javi for the first time, which ironically happened within hours of Rissa starting to call him Daddy out the blue. That was the only thing I could think it would be.

  Finding a small box with shiny, green wrapping paper that I knew held one of Rissa’s gifts, I handed it to her. Before leaving her to rip it apart on her own, I tore the side flap to show her how it was supposed to be done. She fought with the tattered piece for a moment before becoming frustrated.

  “Here, baby. Like this,” I said, reaching to help.

  However, to my surprise, and Adam’s too judging by the look on his face, Rissa protested with a well-timed, “Noooo. Daddy, do it.” She pointed at Adam and everything when she did.

  I stared at Rissa for a moment, feeling the water welling in my eyes again, and then looked to Adam. Whatever had him distracted only a moment ago seemed to recede to the back of his mind at the sound of that one word Rissa just uttered.

  She truly did have him wrapped around her finger, even more so now. Adam had a grin on his face the entire time he assisted her with opening that gift and each one that followed while I took over with the camera. It seemed like every time the word ‘daddy’ hit the air, both Adam’s heart and mine filled with so much love. He’d come into my life and gave me everything I wanted. Watching him with my daughter, my thoughts went to Abby, though, hoping that one day soon Adam would allow himself to have her in his life as well. He deserved that and so did Abby.

  Thanks to Rissa, our morning eventually returned to normal. Things were once again lighthearted and focused on the holiday like it should’ve been. Adam and I decided to wait until later that night, once Rissa was asleep and it was just the two of us, to exchange gifts. After straightening up the living room again and getting Rissa dressed, we were all ready to visit Joan and Cindy.