Only Love

by Smith, Victoria H.

  “Be right back,” I said, only to get zero response, just a nod. It hurt me so badly to see her like this, but there was nothing I could do.

  My steps were quick as I made my way through the church and to the daycare. When I arrived, my thoughts were of course still heavy on Gabby, but Rissa had a way of making me smile no matter what—even now. I greeted her with a hug and stepped all the way inside the room to great Joan and Cindy, and also to make room for the mom coming in behind me to pick up her child too.

  Cindy’s expression filled with concern as she inquired about Gabby. “How’s she doing?” she asked.

  I shrugged, not really knowing the answer to that question. “The same.”

  Shaking her head, Cindy waved back at Rissa, still clearly upset for Gabby. We’d talked about it all briefly, but I never got into the part Adam played in all this, although I was sure he’d already had that talk with her.

  “Well, you already know that if you need anything, Joan and I are right here. No matter what,” she added.

  I nodded, knowing this to be a fact. She shared a warm smile and I turned to leave, but halted dead in my tracks when something, a sight, raised questions in my mind. It was simple, nothing more than the mom who’d followed me into the room handing Joan a check. I distinctly remembered Adam stating that the daycare services were free, covered by grants, so why was this woman paying her balance?

  “I thought…” My finger was now aimed at the woman finishing the transaction with Joan. “I thought this was free.”

  Cindy lowered her eyes for a moment and then gently touched my elbow, pulling me aside. “Sweetheart, Adam didn’t want you to know he’d been doing this for you. He didn’t want you to ever feel like you owed him anything.”

  I frowned, confused even more now that she was explaining.

  She shook her head while speaking. “The childcare services have never been free, Aubrey. Adam pays us for the time Rissa spends here.”

  My jaw dropped. He hadn’t said a word, wasn’t seeking even an ounce of praise; he just did this for me out of the goodness of his heart. It dawned on me that he continued this even during the times that things between us weren’t solid. I didn’t know what to say.

  Already before hearing this, guilt had set in—guilt at the way I’d handled the situation with Gabby’s mother where Adam was concerned. He hadn’t so much as called since then and I couldn’t blame him for that. There was just so much going on that day, so many emotions, so many raw nerves exposed. If I’d been thinking clearly, I wouldn’t have reacted so irrationally. Did I still have reservations and concerns surrounding Carlos’s death? Absolutely. However, I also knew Adam, knew he was a good man, knew his intentions had never been anything but honorable since day one. Because of his reputation with me, his track record, I found my heart softening toward him as the days wore on.

  And now this.

  I was in no way over what’d gone on with the Ruiz/Lopez case, but I owed Adam more understanding than I’d given him. I owed him much more. Now Gabby wasn’t the only one who was quiet now. The car was completely silent as we drove back to the apartment. Her thoughts were elsewhere, and mine were on Adam and how poorly I’d dealt with this situation.

  As soon as things died down, and when I felt like Gabby was in a better place to receive what I needed to say, I wanted to talk to her about all this. We were both quick to pin everything that happened all on Adam, but, in all honesty, no one was to blame for the raid that night but her mother. Her lifestyle had caught up with her, which tends to be the case. Even if Adam had been the one to make that call, give a tip, or whatever he’d done, he had a job to do and no one could fault him for doing it. His whole reason for being here was to make our building, our neighborhood, a safer place, and that was what he’d done. It didn’t matter that Gabby’s mother was linked to us in some way. When she chose to break the law and involve her own daughter in her ‘business’, she made her business everyone’s business. Getting caught that day, going to jail, losing Gabby—that wasn’t Adam’s fault.

  I eyed my phone on the console and contemplated calling him for about the hundredth time that day. He’d been on my mind heavier than usual already, even before what Cindy told me. Every time I’d talk myself into calling, I talked myself right out of it because I didn’t want to bother him at work—especially seeing as how we hadn’t talked in a few days. I’d wait for him to get home later, and maybe Gabby would watch Rissa for me while I went up and talked to him— apologized for shutting him out again. Despite how valid my feelings were, I still should’ve dealt with him and our problems head on instead of closing myself off.

  “I’m gonna stop at the store. Want anything?” I asked when I turned toward Gabby.

  She managed a slight smile, but only shook her head.

  In my head I planned a meal for Adam—something I could take to his apartment with me later. Kind of a peace offering.

  I made a right so I could hop on the freeway and head toward the grocery store, but the sound of a breaking news alert caught my attention when it rang out over the radio. I turned it up and listened harder.

  The news reporter relayed details surrounding the shooting of an officer at a local bank—a robbery gone wrong. No names had been spoken yet, but somehow I knew. I knew this had something to do with Adam.

  My heart sank and Gabby glanced my way when I pulled over to the side of the road.

  “You don’t know that it’s him,” Gabby reasoned, placing a hand on my shoulder.

  I couldn’t even bring myself to answer. Deep down, I felt like I did already know.

  The reporter went on to say that an officer had been rushed to the hospital and was in critical condition. And then, right after giving this information, he delivered the blow that made me glad I’d pulled over, because my hands went numb.

  “Two officers were first to respond on the scene this afternoon….” was all I heard the guy say before the names “Officers Adam Holloway and Donald Kline” rang out into the air and struck my heart. The second I heard his name, it hit me that my apology may never be given, he’d never know how sorry I was for not talking things out like he’d asked to do. For the second time in my life, I’d let someone I cared about think that I hated them. And possibly for a second time I might not get a chance to make things right. My stomach retched at the thought of how this scenario mirrored what’d happened with Javi.

  What if this was it? What if I never got the chance to tell Adam that I still loved him and wanted to work things out? What if… what if the last things I’d said to him were indeed the last things I’d ever say to him?

  “We’ve gotta get down to the hospital,” I forced out in one breath as I shifted the car into drive.

  The ride to Saint John’s Hospital felt like the longest I’d ever taken in my entire life. At each stoplight, I tried to clear the blur of tears from my eyes, only to have more fill them when the light changed to green again. I had to get to him. Had to. I didn’t even remember the rigmarole of parking and getting the girls out of the car. All I knew was that I was rushing toward the ER like a mad woman, pausing only to give the automatic doors a chance to open when I approached them. Even that annoyed me, taking a fraction of a second away from me that I could’ve been at Adam’s side.

  There were cops and reporters everywhere—inside and out. My feet hit the tile in the entrance and I whipped my head from side to side, searching to see which direction I needed to go in. Spotting the red ‘Emergency’ sign at the end of the hallway, I rushed in that direction. A heavy set of double doors was the only obstacle left—the only thing keeping me from at least getting information about Adam’s condition. At this point I was desperate. My nerves were shot, and I’d have a panic attack later when I thought about how recklessly I’d driven to get to the hospital, but for now all I could think about was him.

  “Miss!” I yelled to the woman at the registration desk. I had to raise my voice to be heard over the chatter of Adam and Don’s c
omrades. She turned to gaze at me over her shoulder, but I didn’t wait for her to respond before continuing. “I need your help. The officer who was brought here today; can you at least tell me what his name is?”

  The woman finally came closer, able to see I was on the verge of tears. She studied my face a little longer before deflating the one ounce of hope that I still had.

  “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I can’t give you that information.”

  I lowered my head at her response, understanding the policy, but still feeling desperate for answers.

  “Listen, I’m not asking you to update me on his condition or anything like that,” I explained, handing Rissa off to Gabby as I leaned closer to the counter. “Are you sure you can’t just give me a name?”

  My tone was elevated, and I was almost beside myself with tears, but the woman’s stoic expression let me know I wasn’t going to get anywhere with her. My head went to my hands and I tried to catch my breath in between sobs. All I wanted was to know that Adam was okay. He had to be okay.

  Gabby’s hand went to my back and I tried to calm myself down. The only thing I could think to do was to ask around, hoping that the officers would be more informative than the hospital staff. If that didn’t work, I’d try to get in contact with Joan and Cindy. The only reason I hadn’t already was because I figured they were already worried enough without me calling and adding to the already intense situation. For now, I’d try to find out what I could on my own.

  In a matter of seconds, I pulled myself together and searched for a familiar face, maybe one of Adam’s buddies from the night we’d gone out to dinner. My eyes darted from one side of the lobby to the other. Nothing. I would just have to go up to strangers and start asking around.

  I spotted a man in full uniform standing near the ER entrance, the white, double-doors Gabby and I had just walked through. He was alone which meant he was one of few who might not be too busy to talk to me. Putting one foot in front of the other, I made my way closer to him, trying to prepare my heart for what his answer might be when I asked him to confirm which officer had been injured.

  You can do this, Aubrey. You can do this.

  I had my introduction and question all set to go when, out of nowhere, one word hit the air. A word that changed everything. A word that answered all of my questions and made my breath catch in my throat.

  “Daddy!” Rissa called out from Gabby’s arms. I felt faint at the sound of it, but somehow willed myself to turn around right at the exact moment Adam brought Rissa to his chest, embracing her like he hadn’t seen her in years. His hand clutched the back of my daughter’s head as he hugged her as tight as he could.

  I didn’t have words. Not a single one. All I could think to do was run to him, so that’s what I did. My feet carried me in Adam’s direction faster than I could ever remember moving before, but I wanted nothing more than to have him close, so I could finally let myself believe that he was real—that he was okay. Within seconds, Rissa wasn’t the only one getting Adam’s love and attention. My heart swelled at the feel of his arm around my waist as mine went to his neck.

  “You’re okay,” I breathed. “You’re really okay.”

  Adam pressed his lips firm against my forehead and gripped me tighter.

  “I heard about the shooting on the radio, and I thought it was… I thought…” when my sentence broke, Adam’s chest rose and fell with a heavy breath.

  “I’m fine,” he promised, and I clung to those words. He was fine. My eyes closed and a wave of relief washed over me at the sound of them leaving his mouth. He was standing here, alive and well, all in one piece, and I promised myself right then and there that I’d never let him go again - no matter what. Whatever came at us, whatever problems arose, we’d deal with it head-on.

  Together.

  A thought entered my mind and I looked up at Adam. “Don… is he alright?”

  The look on Adam’s face nearly broke my heart. No, Don and I hadn’t exactly made one another’s list of favorite people, but I knew how much he meant to Adam. He’d been like a father to him.

  “It’s touch and go for right now,” he said. “The bullet went in through his left arm and into his chest. He’s in surgery as we speak.”

  I let my gaze shift to the floor when Adam’s expression filled with sadness. Yes, I was grateful that he wasn’t injured, but my heart still went out to Don and his family as I thought of what they must be going through while his life hung in the balance.

  In Adam’s arms, my eyes went to Gabby when I felt him reach for her. She was hesitant to come to him at first, but eventually let him gather her into the embrace with Rissa and me. Adam stood there hugging us, and I thought about how close I’d been to losing him—losing this. Now more than ever, I was painfully aware of how stupid it was to let drama come between us, drama that we could’ve worked out eventually if it hadn’t been for the distance.

  Gabby swiped away a tear and put an arm around Adam too. It was then, when she returned his embrace, that I knew her heart wasn’t totally hard toward him. While it was easy for us to direct our feelings and frustrations at him on that night with emotions running so high, I was beginning to think that Gabby had already begun to accept the fact that her mother’s current issue was just that—her issue. No one else could take the fall for it.

  I took a step back and took Rissa with me so Adam could hold Gabby full-on. He kissed the top of her hair and kept her close.

  “I’m sorry about what happened,” he said in a low voice. “I’m sorry.”

  Gabby nodded against his chest and blinked away more tears, but said no words, only hugged him tighter.

  “Oh thank goodness!” Cindy called out, clutching her chest as she and Joan raced down the hallway toward us. Clearly the same news had reached them that I heard, and they’d left the daycare to be here. “You’re okay,” she gushed.

  Adam braced himself for her and Joan’s attack, and Gabby jumped out of the way.

  “You could’ve,” Cindy paused and placed several kisses on Adam’s face. “…You could’ve called or at least answered your phone to let us know you weren’t hurt! Your face is all over the television and they didn’t say if you were alive or dead!” she rambled, running her hands down her son’s arms, through his hair, doing a quick scan of him to make sure he was really okay. Her face was bright red and it was clear that she’d been a wreck before seeing Adam for herself.

  “I know, Mom. I’m sorry. Things have just been crazy here,” Adam apologized while hugging both of his mothers.

  Cindy took my hand in hers while still holding onto her son. A warm smile spread across Adam’s face despite the sadness there. Having all of us there together with him, supporting him as he awaited news of his partner’s condition, seemed to be exactly what he needed at the moment. Love. And I had plenty of that to give him.

  We all did.

  The church was full. Members of the community, law enforcement, and local politicians alike all lined the pews of the historic Catholic Church, and even the walls when the seats filled. I never imagined a turnout like this, but it was all well-deserved. I sat tucked beneath Adam’s left arm, smoothing the lapel of his black suit, noting his solemn expression when I looked up. For many reasons, today was difficult for him, but he’d been trying his best not to let it show, wanting to keep the focus of the day on the person we were there to honor, not himself.

  Gabby sat beside us, holding Rissa on her lap as all our eyes went to the pulpit when the minister stepped up to the podium. Complete silence filled the room. The preacher began with words of condolence for the family and friends of the deceased and Adam lowered his head. My hand went into his and squeezed.

  I scanned the crowd and looked at all the familiar faces, finding some that I expected to see, and some that I didn’t. One face in particular stood out to me above all the others—one of a graying man with a beard and a sling on his left arm—a man I’d actually come to respect over the last several weeks—Don. He sa
t across the aisle from Adam and me, holding his wife in his arms much the same way that Adam held me.

  I thought back to how close he’d been to losing his life and then thought of one of the first acts of kindness he’d committed when he finally opened his eyes after surgery. He requested Adam’s presence in the recovery room, along with their superior. Having come so close to death had apparently put things into perspective, and he insisted that Adam come clean about not having seen what actually took place with Carlos and Manuel that day in the convenience store. While Don stuck to his story that Carlos had shot first, he no longer wanted Adam to shoulder the burden of carrying around a lie. The informal admission preceded the formal one that took place as soon as Don was able to leave the hospital. His willingness to make such a sacrifice for Adam, knowing there could be legal backlash for them both, made me look at him in a slightly different light.

  By the end of the coming week, Adam would have to face the consequences of what he’d done; his presence was requested in a meeting with his superiors regarding his future with the force. There were a number of outcomes, but I couldn’t help but to feel as though things would work in his favor. They would because he’d done the right thing. His chief’s words to him in regards to the meeting allowed us both to believe that. He said Adam would of course be reprimanded, but he still had a place there with them, and we both were grateful for that.

  Adam’s confession caused the evidence to be reexamined to determine if Don’s account was entirely accurate. Upon doing so, footage that’d been taken from a bystander’s camera phone resurfaced, and the angle of the video was undeniable. It proved that Don did in fact pull the trigger second after Carlos Ruiz had already fired a shot. In the end, justice was served in its entirety with a brief investigation without the publicity of a trial, thus minimizing the emotional hardship on the Ruiz family, which I was grateful for. They’d all been through enough.

  I went back to listening to the minister, but first stared at the large portraits of two young men: Carlos and Javier Ruiz. This ceremony was for them both—the community’s way of honoring Javi for his service to our country, and Carlos as well. While it was acknowledged that, yes, he’d made a fatal mistake that day in the convenience store, a young life was still cut down way too soon. I couldn’t help but to wonder, if given the chance, would he have been able to turn his life around for the better. Perhaps seeing Javi join the military to change his ways, or seeing Manuel have to serve time for his offense would’ve been all it took. Perhaps Carlos would’ve had a future if things had gone down differently that day—if better choices had been made.