Animal Tales

by Terry Jones

  But Little Skunk still hadn’t finished. She was so angry that she just turned right around and chased after those men. One of them glanced over his shoulder and shouted:

  “That crazy skunk! It’s coming after us! Look out!”

  And they ran as if their lives depended on it.

  Meanwhile back in the clearing, Bear began to groan. The Trappers had stunned him with a tranquilizer dart, but that wasn’t strong enough to withstand the powerful scent of skunk. One load of scent might have been enough to bring Bear to his senses, but Little Skunk had released no less than three times the normal amount, and the stink was now so powerful that Bear started coughing and choking and his eyes smarted and he regained his senses enough to struggle to his feet and try to stagger as far away from that stench as his wounded leg would let him.

  By the time Little Skunk got back to the clearing, Bear had disappeared, but she could see a trail of blood leading from the cruel jaws of the trap, across the clearing and into the forest, so she began to follow it with beating heart.

  Over tree stumps, through broken undergrowth, she could see where Bear had blundered on his way, but the trail seemed to be going around in circles, and then suddenly she saw a great bulk lying beside a fallen tree.

  For the first time, Little Skunk found herself feeling afraid of Bear. “After all,” she told herself, “he doesn’t know I rescued him from the Trappers.”

  Nonetheless, Little Skunk jumped up onto the fallen tree and shouted: “Bear! Bear! Wake up! You must get back to your cave before the Trappers return!”

  Bear managed to open one eye and gasp: “Why are you so concerned about me, Little Skunk? What have I ever done for you?”

  Should Little Skunk tell him she’d chased off the Trappers? Should she tell him she loved him?

  But before she could speak another voice said:

  “Now this is curious: Little Skunk deep in conversation with Bear. Well, well! What on earth is the forest coming to?”

  Little Skunk and Bear looked round to see Wolf standing in the clearing gazing thoughtfully at them.

  “Bears usually avoid Skunks as if they had the plague,” went on Wolf. “What could have brought about this sweet little friendship I wonder?”

  “Stay away from me!” exclaimed Little Skunk, stamping the ground and hissing at Wolf. “Or else I’ll spray you and you’ll never wash the stink off your fine fur!”

  And with that she turned her back on Wolf to spray him.

  Now I have to tell that a skunks only carry a limited amount of their terrible stink, which is why they are normally reluctant to use it.

  But Little Skunk had been so concerned about Bear and so angry with the Trappers, that she had used up all her stink and now she had none left.

  “Well?” said Wolf. “If you’re going to spray me and make my fur stink forever, go ahead! I’m waiting!”

  Now whether wily Wolf had seen everything that had happened or not, I don’t know, but somehow he knew that Little Skunk was helpless, and somehow Little Skunk knew that he knew. So there was only one thing she could do, and she did it. She turned and ran.

  She ran so fast through the undergrowth that the branches whipped at her face and the thorns tore through her fur. But she didn’t even notice them. She ran faster than she had ever done in her life.

  Wolf, however, was quicker. His long legs vaulted him over logs and fallen branches and in no time he was upon Little Skunk.

  He seized her by the tail, and she turned and scratched him on the nose. But he no more noticed that than Little Skunk had noticed the thorns; all he could think about was his dinner. Wolf tossed Little Skunk through the air, and the sound of her head cracking against the ground gave Wolf a nice, cosy feeling that he would be soon be eating.

  Little Skunk, however, leapt to her feet, her head still spinning, and turned to bare her teeth at Wolf, but she was facing the wrong way. A cold thrill went through her as she felt Wolf’s teeth on the back of her neck, and his hot wolf’s breath ruffle her fur!

  Little Skunk knew that her last moment had come. She hissed and spat but she had no scent to drive Wolf back. Her last thought was:

  “I never told Bear I loved him. He will never know it was me who saved him from the Trappers.”

  And she shut her eyes and waited for Wolf to bite.

  But something happened. Wolf did not bite her. Instead it was Wolf’s turn to find himself thrown across the forest until he hit a tree, and slid down the trunk into a bush of brambles.

  Little Skunk looked round to see Bear gazing down on her.

  “Little Skunk,” said Bear. “Do you know where my cave is?”

  “Yes,” said Little Skunk.

  “Then take me to it,” said Bear. “I’m so bemuddled I don’t know whether I’m coming or going.”

  Little Skunk thought she had never been happier, as she led Bear back to his cave. Bear was swaying as he limped behind her, and he kept bumping into trees and overhanging branches, so Little Skunk led him along the wider paths that she would normally have avoided: the paths of the bear, the tiger and the leopard.

  When they arrived back at the cave, Bear lumbered in and without saying a word he keeled over, unconscious.

  Little Skunk looked at Bear lying there. Would he remember her when he woke up? Would he ever know that she had rescued him from the Trappers? That she had guided him safely home? Would she ever get the chance to speak to him again?

  Little Skunk turned and crept out of the cave. The sun was setting and the sky was as red as the trail of Bear’s blood. The sounds of the forest’s night creatures filled her ears, and then she heard another sound – a soft sound like a gentle rumble of thunder. It came from inside the cave.

  “Thank you, Little Skunk,” said the voice.

  After that, Little Skunk often visited Bear, and although they never said very much to each other, Bear never tried to avoid her. There they would sit together outside the cave, an odd couple, watching the sun go down.

  And whenever her friends scolded her and told her to forget about Bear and said: “It’s ridiculous! What could you ever do for a bear? And what could a bear ever do for you?” Little Skunk would smile to herself and think:

  “We could save each other’s lives.”

  WONDERS OF THE ANIMAL KINGDOM

  BENDY GIRAFFES

  These giraffes can be bent in all sorts of shapes to make delightful Christmas gifts. A simple 896 page booklet gives detailed instructions on how to bend your giraffe into a whole range of useful household objects, such as: a four poster bed, a genuine antique bookcase, a chiming grandfather clock or even a simple bucket.

  The last 60 pages contain simple easy-to-follow instructions on how to bend your giraffe into a surface-to-air missile system, complete with depleted uranium warheads, suitable for use in the Third World.

  JACK THE RABBIT

  JACK THE RABBIT LIVES IN a deluxe warren which is surrounded by a big park, full of trees and lawns and marble statues. Across the park stands a cottage in which Lord and Lady Bigwig’s Gamekeeper is residing, on account of which Jack the Rabbit has been warned to keep away from the cottage lest he end up in a rabbit pie. But, since nobody has explained to him exactly what a rabbit pie is, he takes no notice, and lopes around the cottage all the time.

  Well, one day Jack the Rabbit is loping past the dustbins outside the cottage, when who does he find himself nose-to-nose with but Old Mr. Fox himself!

  Jack the Rabbit jumps right out of his skin and disappears around the corner so fast his tail only catches up with him moments later. Then Jack the Rabbit hides and waits for Old Mr. Fox to go on his way.

  But Old Mr. Fox doesn’t go on his way. And Jack the Rabbit waits and waits, and doesn’t see snout nor tail of Old Mr. Fox.

  Now it is a well-known fact that Jack the Rabbit is a cool customer, who doesn’t take fright as easily as most rabbits do. In fact he has a reputation for having nerves of steel. Another thing for which he has a considerabl
e reputation is his insatiable curiosity.

  So after some time Jack the Rabbit thinks to himself: “You know there was something odd about Old Mr. Fox just now.” And then he thinks to himself: “Maybe I should go and take another look at him.”

  So Jack the Rabbit does something which I don’t think any other rabbit would have done in the circumstances, he lopes back round the corner to take another look at Old Mr. Fox.

  And there he is: lying exactly where he was, which, when you consider how much business Old Mr. Fox has to get through in a night, takes some explaining.

  “Hey! Old Mr. Fox!” shouts Jack the Rabbit. “Aren’t you well or something?”

  Well Old Mr. Fox doesn’t say nothing. He just lies there with a glassy look in his eyes, perfectly still.

  “What’s the matter?” says Jack the Rabbit. “Fox got your tongue?” And Jack the Rabbit thinks that’s so funny he does a little dance around. Then he hops right up to Old Mr. Fox and stretches out his hind leg and touches him!

  Well Old Mr. Fox just lies there with this glassy look in his eyes. And the next minute Jack the Rabbit kicks Old Mr. Fox on the snout and Old Mr. Fox doesn’t do nothing. He just lies there as Jack the Rabbit kicks him again and again.

  Now I have to tell you something you may find hard to believe, but all the same it’s true. Many years ago a lot of elegant ladies thought they looked even more elegant if they hung a dead fox around their necks – complete with legs and tail and head. That’s what the Gamekeeper’s wife thought anyway, and she’d worn her fox fur on several occasions.

  But fashions change, and it is the Gamekeeper’s wife’s fox fur, sticking out of the dustbin, that Jack the Rabbit comes nose-to-nose with when he’s loping round the cottage on this very morning.

  “Ah ha!” cries Jack the Rabbit. “Take that, Old Mr. Fox! You’re not so clever now are you? Ho ho! I bet not many rabbits have ever kicked a fox!”

  And while he’s busy kicking Old Mr. Fox on the snout, Jack the Rabbit suddenly gets the Big Idea. It is the most super-sensational-extraordinary idea that any rabbit has ever had, ever.

  “You’re crazy!” says Bugsy Two Ears, when he hears what Jack the Rabbit is intending to do. And Bugsy Two Ears is a rabbit whose opinion is highly valued by rabbits who want to be considered worth their lettuce in the warren.

  What’s more, Louis the Loper, who happens to be a personal best friend of Jack the Rabbit, gets pretty excited when he hears of Jack’s Big Idea.

  “I am never hearing of such a lousy idea since Joey the Buck tried to date a lawn mower!” he exclaims, and emphasises his point by kicking Jack the Rabbit on his white tail.

  But Jack the Rabbit is not to be put off, and the very next evening, he dresses himself up in that old, unfashionable fox fur, and he sets out to put his Big Idea into practice.

  As he makes his way through the burrow, there are quite a number of rabbits who naturally jump out of their skins, rabbits being generally of a nervous disposition. In fact, there are several who yell out: “Arghh! It’s Old Mr. Fox come to get us!” and fall over like skittles in an alley.

  But Jack the Rabbit just grins and lopes off to the edge of the dark forest, still wearing the old fox fur draped over him. There he sits for some time, washing his ears, until he hears a certain noise. Now this noise is the sort of noise that would have any other rabbit racing back to the burrow, but Jack the Rabbit stays put right where he is. And pretty soon who should appear but Old Mrs. Fox and her two cubs.

  She stops dead, when she spots Jack the Rabbit, and then stands there, glaring at him across the little clearing.

  Well Jack the Rabbit is naturally a little excited at this moment, and his heart is thumping away like it’s going for a world record. He can see Old Mrs. Fox’s teeth behind the black line of her lips. What’s more he can feel the old fox fur slipping off his back, and any minute now his rabbit ears are going to pop up like targets in a shooting gallery. But before any of this happens, Old Mrs Fox turns her back on Jack the Rabbit, and cuffs her cubs that are scampering around her feet like a couple of furry yo-yos.

  Jack the Rabbit adjusts his disguise and waits to see what will happen next. Well what happens next is that one of the furry yo-yos scampers across the glade and right up to Jack the Rabbit. Now I’m not saying that Jack the Rabbit doesn’t have a split second when he wishes he were back safe in his burrow, but split seconds tend to come and go, and that’s exactly what this split second does. Before Jack the Rabbit realizes what he is doing, he cuffs the furry yo-yo so it rolls over like a ball and then comes back for more.

  Next minute, the other furry yo-yo runs over to join in the fun, and Old Mrs. Fox just sits there watching Jack-the-Rabbit romping with her cubs as if he were their favourite uncle.

  Eventually, however, she gets up and calls her cubs, and they scuttle across pulling Jack the Rabbit with them, like he was one of the pack, and they all four slink off over the hill and disappear.

  Pretty soon Jack the Rabbit finds himself standing with Old Mrs. Fox and her two cubs outside the hen house at Holly farm. The cubs turn to watch their mother as Old Mrs. Fox gives a sharp intake of breath, that gets Jack the Rabbit wondering what she’s seen. Then he sees it. Someone has forgotten to shut the door to the hen house. And it is indeed a well-known fact that when someone leaves the door to a hen house open, it is an invitation to any fox to enter and get acquainted with the inhabitants of that particular hen house.

  The only thing standing in the way of Old Mrs. Fox’s getting better acquainted with the inhabitants of the hen house at Holly Farm is the wire netting fence around the hen run. It seems that Farmer Lebowski has done a pretty thorough job of making the wire-netting fence fox-proof. But when you have such an experienced operator as Old Mrs. Fox, there is never going to be any wire-netting fence that is entirely fox-proof – especially when someone has forgotten to shut the door to the hen house!

  Old Mrs. Fox sniffs the wire-netting fence up and down a good few number of times, and then she starts digging. Jack the Rabbit and the cubs watch as Old Mrs. Fox squeezes under the wire-netting fence and bounds across the hen-run up the plank and into the hen house of Holly Farm.

  Well it doesn’t take two seconds for Old Mrs. Fox to start getting better acquainted with those chickens, and pretty soon there is plenty of clucking and a lot of squawking, and the old hen house at Holly Farm shakes and rattles as if it’s in the middle of an earthquake. The next minute hens are flying out of the hen house at Holly Farm screeching and making enough noise to awaken the dead or even (which is more to the point) Farmer Lebowski and his wife.

  Old Mrs. Fox suddenly appears with the neck of the fattest of all the chickens firmly clamped in her jaws. She makes a bee-line for the place where she dug under the wire-netting fence, but as she does so the lights go on in Holly Farm, and the kitchen door is flung open as old Farmer Lebowski and his wife come running out.

  Old Mrs. Fox dives for the hole under the wire-netting fence, but she can’t get through on account of the chicken she has clamped in her jaws being such a big fat one. She tries this way and that but it’s no use. In the meantime the shouting from the farmhouse is getting nearer and suddenly there is a flash and a bang and something whizzes past Jack the Rabbit’s left ear.

  Well Old Mrs. Fox must have lost her appetite at that moment, for she lets go of the chicken and scrambles through the hole she’d dug and out the other side. There is another flash and another thing whizzes over Jack the Rabbit’s ears.

  “Run!” hisses Old Mrs. Fox. And that’s what Jack the Rabbit and the two cubs do, as Old Mrs. Fox heads straight back to the dark forest, where she has her den.

  And now, as they dash through the undergrowth, a new idea occurs to Jack the Rabbit. And this idea is so extraordinary – so against every rabbit’s instinct – that I don’t think I would have believed it, if I did not have this information from a most reliable source. Jack the Rabbit follows Old Mrs. Fox back to her den, and when she dodges down th
e hole between the roots of an old oak tree, Jack the Rabbit follows right after her! Yes! Jack the Rabbit actually does something that no other rabbit has ever done in the whole history of rabbits: he enters a fox’s den of his own free will!

  When Jack the Rabbit actually finds himself in the tunnel at the entrance to the fox’s den, he half thinks about turning right around and running back to his own warren. But he’s so curious, he just has to carry on down, deeper and deeper into the fox’s den, where the smell of fox is so strong that his knees turn wobbly and he can’t think straight. So he holds his breath, and pretty soon he finds himself sitting amongst the cubs, while Old Mrs. Fox is lying panting by his side.

  Jack the Rabbit can see that Old Mrs. Fox is greatly relieved to be back in her den. “What d’you know?” he says to himself. “It seems that foxes get frightened just the same as us rabbits!”

  But before he has a chance to think any more about this surprising observation, he hears someone at the entrance to the den.

  And suddenly Jack the Rabbit remembers that he’s just a rabbit disguised as a fox, and that rabbits have as much business being inside a fox’s den as a fly has up an alligator’s nose. So Jack the Rabbit takes a hop, step and a jump up the tunnel, where he can see a snout poking into the entrance to the den. His blood turns cold as he realizes it’s Old Mr. Fox – the real Old Mr. Fox – not just some old fox fur that some elegant lady has thrown on the garbage heap on account of it being no longer the fashion.

  So Jack the Rabbit sprints back down the tunnel, and hides behind the fox cubs. But his heart is jumping so hard it could win the Olympic pole vault on its own and without a pole. Any second he expects Old Mr. Fox to leap into the den, teeth bared and those jaws wide open to bite off his head.

  But that is not what happens.