The Ordinary Life of Emily P. Bates

by Anna Cackler

“What’s the matter with you?” Shannon whispered during Chemistry. “What was going on this morning after breakfast?”

  “Nothing,” I said and immediately returned my focus to my notes.

  “It’s not nothing. It’s always something with you,” she said. “I’m the one who says ‘nothing.’”

  “Well today I’m saying ‘nothing.’ Leave it alone.”

  She glared at me and turned back around in her seat to face the front, her loose hair whipping across my desk in a flurry. I was going to pay for that later, but hopefully it would be worth it. Maybe she would understand later when I could explain all of this to her. If I could explain it.

  By the time I got to Lit class and I had Finn on his own for the most part, I had a million clever ways to worm the information out of him.

  “Hey,” he said without looking up from his book as usual. It was the same nondescript volume he’d been reading at breakfast.

  All of my clever ideas clamored over each other to be the first to my mouth, but in the end the lamest one of all won out. “I talked to Margo this morning.”

  His eyes shot to my face, but he didn’t say anything at all. He just waited. I couldn’t tell if he was afraid or furious.

  I went for it anyway. With a very stern voice I said, “She told me everything.”

  Finn’s face went ghostly pale in an instant. He couldn’t tear his eyes from my face, but his expression was completely unreadable. “And?”

  I shrugged, but refused to let on that I was relying on him to say something first.

  “You have to have an opinion,” he said in a low voice, then muttered to himself, “I can’t believe she told you.”

  “Well she did.”

  He studied my face for a few seconds, and then the color began to return to his face. “She didn’t tell you anything at all, did she?”

  “Yes. She told me everything.”

  I hadn’t fooled him. He settled back into his chair, glowering at me. “You know if you had tried that on Shannon it might have worked.”

  “I’m not trying anything!” I was desperate now, though I knew the gig was up.

  “Give it up, Emily!”

  Ms. Walsh was walking around the class now, passing out packets of paper. She got to our table and gave us both meaningful looks that clearly said, “No talking,” but we both ignored her.

  “Just leave well enough alone, all right?” he whispered the instant Ms. Walsh was out of earshot. “It’s all over. Let it go.”

  “Why won’t you just tell me?”

  He didn’t get his chance to answer, though, because Ms. Walsh started class. “All right everybody, welcome back. I hope you all had a great Christmas break, but the holiday’s over. We’re going to take some time now and work through some of these texts that I’ve passed out to you. Read through your packet carefully, I’ll give you about twenty minutes, then we’ll discuss them.”

  I glared down at the packet in my hand without really seeing it. I hadn’t given up on Finn. Not yet.

  When the bell rang, I gathered up my things quickly with a mind to storm out and leave without Finn. As it turned out I didn’t have to bother. Instead of following me out the door, Finn stayed behind to talk to Ms. Walsh about the assignment. That didn’t surprise me. He was always hanging around getting more details about whatever homework we had. Usually I waited with him, but I couldn’t make myself do that today.

  But then again, this could be my one last chance to get the truth out of him while the subject was still on the front burner. While he was angry. It’s always easier to slip up when you’re angry.

  So though I left the room with the rest of the class, I hung around just outside the door to wait for Finn. The halls emptied quickly while I waited, which was probably for the best. I expected an all out screaming fight when Finn and I got going. A few minutes later, Finn emerged from the classroom.

  He jumped when he saw me leaning against the wall. “Don’t scare me like that!”

  “Tell me what happened!”

  He scowled and brushed past me down the hall. I had to practically jog to keep up with his long stride. Our quick footsteps bounced off of the painted cinderblock walls. The hallway was deserted.

  “Why won’t you just tell me?”

  “I told you, I don’t want you to worry about it.”

  “That’s a lie and you know it!” I took a couple of running jumps to get in front of him, but he just dodged me and continued down the hall. The entire school seemed empty now aside from a few stragglers in the classrooms.

  “Why are you bugging me about this?” he asked. We turned the corner and stopped abruptly at his locker. He started jamming books inside and digging around for various items with far more force than was necessary.

  “Because everyone else seems to know what’s going on except for me, and everyone refuses to tell me!”

  “Curiosity killed the cat.”

  “I’m not a stupid cat, Finnegan!” My voice echoed down the hallway. If class had been in session, we could have expected several angry teachers to round the corner at any moment.

  He turned and stared me accusingly in the eye. “You never told me why you and Cavanaugh split.”

  He was trying to distract me, but I wouldn’t let him. “We split because boys are silly and they don’t wash themselves as often as they should. Your turn!”

  He threw his hands into the air in exasperation. “Fine! Me and Margo just decided we didn’t like each other that way. All right? Happy?”

  “No.”

  “How is my answer any less valid than yours?”

  “Because my love life isn’t the issue right now!” I yelled. “And because if that were the truth, you wouldn’t have told Shannon to keep out of it. You said it would screw me up!”

  He rounded on me, indignant now. “Now hold on! When did I say-”

  “I heard you yelling at Shannon after the stink bomb!” He started to say something accusitory, his index finger already jabbing in my direction, but I beat him to it. “Yes that’s right! I was eavesdropping!”

  He rolled his eyes and turned back to his locker.

  “And so I didn’t bring it up!” I barreled on. “I didn’t ask because I knew you didn’t want me to. But that was stupid, and everyone seems to know what’s going on but me and I have to know! What is the big damn deal, Finn? What exactly is it that you think I can’t handle? Cause I’m kind of insulted!”

  He jammed his Lit binder inside so hard that it bounced right back out and hit the floor with a fluttering crash. He swooped down and snatched it back up again immediately, but the rings had come undone and papers flew everywhere.

  Finn groaned and started scooping up his various papers. I bent to help him, but stopped after picking up only a couple of pages. Some of my own handwriting caught my attention. There, in my hasty and nervous scrawl was the word, “Butterflies,” and right below it, Finn’s thirty second poem from our first day in Lit was laid out in his own neat hand.

  Butterflies

  Every day you look at me.

  And sometimes I wonder,

  Can you see

  The Butterflies

  That fly so free

  In me? Just because

  You looked at me?

  “What is this?” I asked, scrunching up my nose. “You know, I never took you to be much of a sappy love-poet.”

  Finn looked up from the floor. “What is what?” He got up and came to see what I was reading. He snatched it away from me. “Oh, it’s nothing. It’s about Margo.”

  “No, it can’t be about Margo.” Something was terribly wrong here, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. “You told me yourself after writing those poems that first day that you’d never noticed Margo.”

  “Maybe I wrote it later on.” He was digging through his locker now, but he kept casting sideways glances in my direction. It was probably the first time I’d ever seen Finn, usually so calm and collected, acting furtive. Furtive for Pete�
��s sake! What was going on?

  “No, I watched you write something under my title that day.” Then, quite suddenly and with no warning whatsoever, all of the pieces slid into place. “Oh my God.” My face drained of blood and my stomach turned over as I realized exactly what had happened between Finn and Margo. And now that I knew, it made all the sense in the world for Finn to try to keep it from me.

  He stopped digging in his locker when he saw my expression. “Emily?”

  “Oh my God.” I couldn’t move. I couldn’t think. It felt like my heart had stopped in my chest.

  “Emily, it’s not what you think.” He took one little step toward me, his hands raised in a placating sort of way. His voice was very low.

  “And what is it that I think?” I asked in a panicky voice.

  “I don’t know. It just seemed like the right thing to say at the time.”

  “Well I’ll tell you what I think,” I said. “I think that the only way you couldn’t tell me the reason for splitting up with Margo is if I were the reason!”

  He stared me straight in the eye helplessly for several seconds. I waited for him to say something, but he never did. He looked so lost, suddenly. So unlike himself.

  “Finn?”

  Please, oh please tell me I’m wrong!

  He took another step forward, and then paused again. “I– I’m–” he stuttered, but fell silent.

  Maybe a coherent question would get a better response. “How long?” I asked.

  He looked miserable. “A couple of years, now.”

  “Oh my God!” Talk about a plan backfiring.

  “Emily, please,” he begged, taking another step towards me. He was too close, now. So close that I couldn’t help but know what he was trying not to do. He reached up like he was going to stroke my face, but pulled away at the last second. His green eyes were so conflicted and I couldn’t say what I wanted at all. Everything had just happened so fast that I couldn’t think. I wanted him to back up a minute, give me some time to sort this out. All I could see were Finn’s eyes studying my own. He was watching me, waiting for some small sign. Just one little smile or inclination of the head that would serve as an invitation. As an acceptance.

  But I couldn’t force my mouth to smile, and I was completely frozen to the spot. So though I couldn’t give him the invitation he wanted, I couldn’t move away, either. He leaned in slowly, waiting for me to back up. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t back away from him. My feet were stuck to the floor and I could not tear my eyes from his.

  My refusal to move served as the sign he needed and he didn’t hesitate any longer. His green eyes blazed with sudden determination. In a flash his hand was behind my neck, pulling me forward and upward and his mouth found mine. He gripped me even closer with one desperate hand around my waist.

  I could not pull away. In that moment I didn’t really want to pull away. This was not like that night at the party with Ethan. That kiss was tame. Cute even. And very awkward.

  With Finn, though, I lost control of my limbs. My arms wrapped themselves around his neck and I kissed him back with equal vigor. When his tongue slipped between my lips, I opened my mouth wider to accommodate him. There was an intensity there that I hadn’t expected, a sudden need that I’d never acknowledged before, and Finn was filling me up with it.

  It seemed so natural, so easy to kiss him. That scared me a little. This should be awkward and weird. This should feel wrong. Finn was my best friend for pity’s sake! Instead, all I was concerned with was how nice it felt to have his hand tangled up in my hair while he held me.

  He finally broke away after what seemed like an eternity. He bowed his head over my shoulder and my fingers tight on his arms. It seemed that we were both a little reluctant to let go.

  Suddenly I realized we’d never really touched much. I’d never thought about it before. Maybe if we had, I’d have noticed how warm and solid he was, how comfortable. Maybe that’s why we hadn’t--because Finn had already noticed something similar about me.

  “I’m sorry,” he whispered. His breath tickled my ear when he spoke. We were both breathing very hard now, which was a good excuse for me to say nothing at all. I couldn’t have formed a coherent thought just then even if I’d wanted to. I was so confused. Everything I’d ever known about my best friend had just gotten turned upside down. The world was reeling on its side. It didn’t help anything that my whole body was on fire just then. I just plain could not think straight.

  “I’m so sorry,” he said again. He stepped away from me and my fingers unwound themselves from the front of his shirt. He truly looked sincere, almost disgusted with himself. “It’s just, that may have been my only chance to do that. I couldn’t miss my chance.”

  I opened my mouth to reply, but no words came out. What was I supposed to say to that? Oh, that’s all right, Finn. No worries. Forgive and forget.

  Yeah right.

  He misinterpreted my silence and his face went suddenly rigid. It was as if I’d just confirmed his worst fears.

  “I didn’t--nothing has to change,” he stammered. “I gotta–”

  He couldn’t finish his sentence. He bent to scoop up his scattered belongings and was gone before I could say or do anything.

  I leaned my back against the lockers and my head clanged against them, willing my heart to calm down. The fire that Finn had lit within me was leaking out through my fingertips now. My mind began to clear, but I don’t think I could have said anything to him if he had stuck around. He was not the same Finnegan anymore. He wasn’t my friend anymore. Now he was a guy. A very good looking guy that I’d never noticed before and that had just jammed his tongue down my throat in the middle of our high school hallway.

  My stomach rolled and I slid down the lockers until I was sitting on the floor.

  He’d felt this way for years. Years! And I hadn’t noticed anything at all! Shannon knew. Margo knew. I wondered vaguely if Ethan knew. Maybe. He could have noticed the way Finn looked at me. Did Finn look at me? I’d never seen him do it in a strange way.

  But there definitely were other things that I had missed. Every morning he got my breakfast without fail. Most of the quotes on my cast had been his. More than half. I saw again his face as he carried me down the stairs with a broken arm. “Are you really going to date Cavanaugh?” he’d asked me that day in class when I was still interested in Ethan.

  I heard his terrified voice when I told Shannon that Mom was in the hospital. He’d thought it was me again. That night at the party, too. He’d hovered nearby, just waiting for Ethan to cross a line so that Finn would have an excuse to take him outside. He’d been there for me that whole night, but I’d hardly noticed him.

  “All you have to do is say my name,” he’d promised me.

  I slid even further down until I was lying curled up on the cold linoleum. I wrapped my head in my arms. Waves of nausea hit me as I saw myself trying to convince him to go out with Margo. In the end he had given in, probably just because I’d told him to.

  Oh, and poor Margo! I wondered how long she’d known about Finn’s feelings for me. How long had she pretended not to notice? How long did she just put up with it? And yet, after all that had happened, she had still tried to protect my feelings by not telling me. Just as Finn had done.

  And worst of all, not ten minutes ago, I’d let him leave me. I’d let him think the worst and walk away. I could still feel his hands on me, his lips on mine, and I couldn’t shove out the image of his hurt face when I refused to answer him.

  Had he been right? Had that moment been our only chance? If so, then it was all my fault.

  Nineteen

  After a good twenty minutes of feeling sorry for myself on the floor, I finally got up. I could hear the janitors laughing down the hall. It wouldn’t take them very long to find me curled up in the fetal position on the floor that they were trying to sweep. I had to get up.

  I gathered up the rest of the papers that Finn had left lying on the floor and stacked
them as neatly as I could in his locker. I didn’t want him to lose a homework assignment just because I had been a jerk and had driven him off. After that I stopped off at my own locker to trade my Lit book for my Calculus one.

  I couldn’t stop thinking about kissing Finn. I kept replaying it over and over in my head, how his hand felt under my hair, how his mouth…

  Ugh. My own mouth was tingly numb, now. I hadn’t known I was capable of such a thing. I had no idea. I mean, I knew kissing was supposed to be amazing. I knew that. But now--now I knew that.

  And now that I knew, I couldn’t stop thinking about it, about him. About Finn with his hair in his eyes, with his long fingers on my back.

  Here I was, rummaging in my locker as if it were any other day, but it wasn’t. Today everything was different. Even without considering Finn and what this meant for our friendship, I felt different. I was the same, the world kept spinning, but I felt different.

  It was like I was in on this big secret, now. I was sure I couldn’t keep this from Shannon, much less everyone else, forever. But that moment with Finn in the hallway, that was mine, and it was huge.

  By the time I made it to my car, the entire parking lot was empty. The sky was still a deep gray color, and though it wasn’t raining now, the ground was wet from a recent shower. Everything smelled wet. Everything looked wet. Even the air was wet. My hideous lime green Taurus stood alone in the vast sea of black asphalt. It looked like one of those weird artsy photographs where the entire picture was in black and white except for one brightly colored object--Oscar in this case.

  On instinct I dug my new camera out of my bag. I stared at Oscar through the viewfinder for several seconds before finally taking the picture. I don’t know why I did it. Every time I looked at this picture I would remember the events that preceded it.

  I shoved my camera back into my bag and walked numbly to my car. I got in just as it started misting again. The engine roared to life with an angry whine and the windshield wipers squeaked across the glass. The dank smell of mold hit my nose. There must be a leak somewhere in the trunk letting the rain in.