I would love to converse with women who would at least consider journeying here on the basis of friendship and the hopes that this may become something more. I am already awaiting replies.
Thoughtfully,
Bernd
Sarah put the paper down and sighed. It was already growing cold outside as frost began to cover the edges of her windows. She crawled from her bed to turn the heat up in her apartment, grabbed herself another cup of coffee, and then snuggled back under the covers; shivering slightly from the chill in the air. Finally, after another round of body racking sobs, Sarah fell asleep to the energy sucking silence.
The next few mornings blurred into each other as Sarah’s mind sank into the fog of depression. Shen needed human contact, but the idea of reaching out to friends and family, without Ben, was exhausting. Somewhere in the back on her mind she recalled the stranger who’d written an open letter, looking for a friend. She needed a friend, desperately. Could she be a friend in turn, especially when she’d just lost her best friend?
Deciding that writing Mr. Blindow couldn’t hurt, Sarah sat down at her kitchen table and penned a letter to the man.
February 1844
Dear Mr. Blindow,
My name is Sarah Dickerson. I just recently lost my husband to consumption and this after recently finding out that I’m expecting our first child. I have no idea if I can be the friend you’re looking for, but I am desperate to escape the home and town where we lived. The memories are too raw and painful for me to feel comfortable even leaving my home.
I know that this probably isn’t the response you’re looking for, but I’m a firm believer in honesty and being completely upfront. My hope is that I can feel normal again, before my baby comes. I’d like to like that we can build a friendship in the meantime and see where things go from there. All I ask is that if you decide to reply, that you’d agree to give my child your name. I can’t bear the thought of him going through life without a father. There’s no coming back from that sort of shame.
Desperate in Virginia,
Sarah Elaine Dickerson
***
Bernd Blindow pulled the leather straps over his shoulder, clicked his tongue at the oxen and tried to hold the plow steady as the plow dug into the soil. He’d stepped foot in Texas for the first time ever, nearly two months ago and still he felt undone by the terrain. He’d managed three passes of the same field that day and it still didn’t look right for planting. Then there was the injured fence to deal with. He needed all new gates, which were on order. He’d also put in an order for new fencing, which would barely get him up and running. He had to finish all of that before he could purchase the fifteen head of cattle he wanted to start with. The delay also had him wasting precious time figuring out which horses he wanted to breed. He’d seen about ten different breeds and none of them showcased the qualities he’d been looking for. He was half tempted to try his hand at creating a new breed, one that had the characteristics of both a work horse and a show champion. None of that even began to touch the housework that seemed to multiply exponentially every day. Just thinking about it made him tired.
He hoped that today’s mail run would prove beneficial to his circumstances. After breakfast, Bern rode his personal horse, Jocko, to town and tied him loosely to a hitch outside the post office. He was pleasantly surprised by the amount of mail he had collected since placing the advertisement a month prior. There must have been at least a hundred letters to read through. The task both exhilarated and worried him. How would he choose between the women? What qualifications, besides being good at domestic work, was he looking for? He obviously wanted someone who was honest and had some integrity and self-respect. He wanted someone who could hold an intelligent conversation. A woman who could joke around and would enjoy his company no matter what they were doing.
With the amount of work he needed to do on his farm and to even keep up with the house, it took Bernd nearly four days to read through all the letters. He found several that went into a “second read” pile. From there he narrowed them down even further, finally settling on the one that tugged the deepest at his heart. Somewhere on the east coast, a woman named Sarah Dickerson was grieving over the loss of her husband, a love Bernd was sure must have been wonderful. Having just found out she was expecting, Bernd couldn’t imagine the joy and pain she must be feeling. He wondered, hoped that she was happy for her soon to be arriving, baby, despite the love she lost.
His reply was swift as he sent a telegram the very next morning and received a reply by early evening. Sarah Dickerson and the babe she carried, were on their way to Texas. Thrilled, well beyond what he’d expected, Bern slept like a baby for the first time since setting foot in the sought after country of Texas. The next week flew by as Bernd awaited the wagon train that would deliver Sarah to the tiny town of San Antonio. Finally, the morning of March third came and Bernd paced an area in front of the welcoming station where travelers often departed from the wagon train that would move on after a good nights’ sleep and a hot meal.
Bernd scanned face after face, realizing that he would know much about Sarah Dickerson except that she was expecting. After watching several couples, some with children, move past the station and into San Antonio, Bernd saw a black clad woman standing on the platform, looking as if someone had left her destitute. Approaching her slowly, Bern finally spoke up.
“Would you be Mrs. Dickerson?” he asked. Beautiful pale green eyes turned his way and Bern caught his breath. His first thought was that Sarah Dickerson was far too beautiful to be a widow and the second was that he’d never seen such a sorrowful look on anyone’s face before.
“I am. Are you Mr. Blindow?”
“Yes, ma’am,” Bernd said, removing his cap. He ran his hand haphazardly through his hair to tame it before he smiled and offered his arm to her. “I hope the trip wasn’t too exhausting. I know traveling by wagon train can be more on the uncomfortable side.”
“The couple I traveled with were very generous. They let me ride inside the wagon with their two children. I slept most of the trip away, a side effect of being pregnant I suppose.”
“How is the babe?”
“As well as can be expected I suppose. I haven’t been to a doctor to confirm the pregnancy yet.”
“Then that’s the first thing we’ll see to, after you’ve had some time to rest. I took the liberty of acquiring you a room at our local inn, if that’s alright with you? I’ve also been assured that there are no men on the floor where your room is. The innkeeper said that he schedules men and women on different floors, unless of course, they’re married.”
“Thank you, so much.”
“You’re very welcome. So, tell me more about Virginia.”
“Right now there is still snow on the ground, although that’s quickly going to change. April showers bring May flowers and all that. Spring is beautiful as green sweeps over the Appalachian Mountains. As in most places, flowers spring up, trees bloom, and birds and insects return from their vacations in the south. I’ll tell you though, there’s nothing like a Virginia sunrise.”
“I don’t doubt it,” Bernd smiled. He helped Sarah up into his buggy and climbed up next to her, clucking to the two horses he’d hitched to the front. “I want you to know upfront that I’m very sorry for your husband’s loss. It’s a shame that he was taken so young.”
“Thank you,” she said, her eyes losing some of their luster as he was sure she thought of him. He was ashamed when it pricked his pride. He’d never wanted a woman to think of him so why did Sarah thinking of her husband irritate him? Taking a deep breath, Bernd headed for the inn where he helped Sarah get her things to her room.
“If you’re up to it, I can show you my ranch. If you’d rather rest, I completely understand.”
“I do think a rest would be beneficial. Nowadays I’m easily worn down by noon.”
“Say no more,” Bernd smiled. “I’ll come check on you tomorrow morning and we can visit the ranc
h then, if you’re up to it.”
“Thank you, Bernd. I am beyond grateful to you.”
“Our arrangement is mutually beneficial, Mrs. Dickerson. Get some rest.”
Chapter Two: Time Will Tell
Sarah lay down on her bed and sighed. She was weary all the way down to her bones. Still, sleep would not give her peace as her mind played through the last few weeks. A freak snowstorm had robbed her of the happy life she’d had just a few days before. She’d been ecstatic about the baby and Ben had seemed over the moon happy about their new bundle of joy.
Then he’d gone out on a logging run and it had started to snow. It had snowed hard for nearly two days and by the time they found Ben’s truck, he’d simply frozen to death. The only solace she had was the love note he’d scrawled on a piece of paper that had been found in his hand. She unfolded the now worn paper and reread it for what seemed like the millionth time.
My Dearest Sarah,
The snow has trapped us good up here and you know how much I hate the cold. Some of the guys thought to try and dig out, but it’s been no use. I hope they find us soon as the temperatures at night make the daytime even more frigid. I miss you. I keep imagining what our baby will look like. I wonder often if it will look like me if it’s a boy. Then I think about how beautiful you are and ask God to give us a little girl who’s as beautiful as her mama. Eight months seems so far away, I hope I can wait patiently that long.
It’s been three days since the snowfall trapped us up here. Our food is gone as of this morning and I can no longer feel my toes. I’ve tried to rub them to keep them warm, but it’s been no use, except to steal more of my energy. I don’t mind saying I’m afraid now. Three long days with absolutely no sign of rescue. I wonder if anyone has even alerted the authorities. Would anyone even think that we’d been hit hard this far up the mountain?
Today is day seven, I think. The numbness effects my legs and hands now, Sarah. I fear I won’t be able to write much more. There’s so much to say and no time left to say it all. I love you, have loved you since school. You were always the bright light in my life, you and our baby. Love our baby for me sweetheart. I know now that these are the last words I’ll ever pen to you. Please remember me Sarah. Find a way to smile again, to love again. I know it will seem unthinkable at first, but please try. Be happy, if not for yourself, then for our baby. I want our child to know happiness, to know that her mother is happy.
I will love you long after I’m gone, my sweet Sarah.
I am always yours,
Ben
The tears came as they always did, in a torrent. Sarah curled into the fetal position on her bed and sobbed until she fell asleep. The next morning, she woke to the sunlight and wiped the grit from her eyes. Using her wash basin, she wiped her face and neck down before digging out a clean dress. She dressed quickly and slowly meandered downstairs.
“You’re late for breakfast,” Katherine Stoneman said, her voice firm. “I suppose I can warm you a cup of coffee if you’d like.”
“Thank you,” Sarah said, her body beginning to tremble as a wave of nausea swept over her. She turned away from the other guests and ran outside as her stomach rolled over. She barely made it to the rail before she lost what little she’d managed to keep down the night before. She heard a shooing sound behind her and turned wary eyes on Bernd Blindow who even now was pulling her hair away from her face.
“Are you alright, Mrs. Dickerson?”
“I’m a bit better now, yes.” She felt mortified. Here was the man who’d paid her way to Texas, the man who was footing the bill for her stay at the inn, the man who’d offered her his name and the security of his ranch for her unborn child, and she’d managed to retch in front of him less than twenty-four hours after making his acquaintance. What a way to make an impression, Sarah thought to herself.
“I suppose this means you probably don’t feel good to take a trip out to my ranch,” Bernd said, the disappointment easy to read in his face.
“Actually, I feel much better now. I’m learning that this whole nausea thing is a hit or miss sort of thing and once it’s over, I usually feel quite normal. If you’re still offering, I’d love to take a trip to your ranch with you.”
“I’ll let Ms. Katherine know. When we get to my home I’ll fix you some warm tea and find a comfortable place for you to rest. Then maybe we can talk and get to know each other a little better.”
“I’d really appreciate that,” she smiled.
***
Bernd helped Sarah up into his buggy, he’d brought the one with a cover this time, to ward off the wind that had picked up overnight. “Will you be warm enough, Sarah?”
“I’ll be fine, Bernd. Thank you.”
“I wouldn’t want you to catch a cold, especially being with child.”
“If you give me tea and rest as promised, I’m sure the little one I’m carrying will be just fine.”
“Alright then,” Bernd said, looking into her pretty eyes. He hated seeing them so haunted. Not that he was an expert, but Sarah seemed gaunt for her tall frame. She wasn’t as tall as him, but standing next to him, she reached his chin. The fact that he’d noticed was a surprise and one he wasn’t sure he was thrilled about.
At thirty, he’d lived his life well enough as a bachelor. He didn’t see any reason he should be changing his mind. Granted, Sarah Dickerson was stunning and her story haunted him, but even that wasn’t a reason to decide that marrying was now in his future. Bernd pulled up into the stables on his ranch and quickly unhooked the horses, turning them loose. He’d see that they got groomed and fresh bedding as soon as he got Sarah settled. He lifted her easily from the buggy, noticing the way heat infused his hands when they rested on her sides. She was as light as a feather and for someone who had to be close to five foot ten, she shouldn’t have been so slight. “Let’s get your tea for you and find you a place to rest, then I’ll see to the horses.”
“I can help,” Sarah insisted.
“Not in your condition,” Bernd said, unwavering. “Come with me now and I’ll see you settled with some tea. The horses, Jeb and Judith, will keep for a time.”
“Jeb and Judith?” she asked, the hint of a grin on her face.
“I named them after my twin sister and little brother. They stayed behind in Germany with my parents. I miss them, so I named my horses after them.”
“How sweet. You have a twin sister?”
“I do. I’m better looking of course,” he chuckled.
“I bet she disagrees,” she smiled.
“With all her heart,” he added. Bernd helped Sarah into his ranch house and found her a comfortable chair to sit in. “Let me know if you need anything before your tea is ready.”
“I don’t mean to intrude, Bernd. I was hoping, however, that you might have something light to eat.”
“I have some soda crackers if you’d like some.”
“That would be perfect,” Sarah smiled. “Thank you.”
“Absolutely,” he grinned. “Do you like your tea warm as they do in London, or cold as they tend to do here in the U.S.?”
“Warm, please.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
Bernd pour a cup of tea for Sarah and brought it to her, watching her almost visibly relax as she sipped it. “This is wonderful. Thank you so much, Bernd.”
“It’s my pleasure,” Bernd smiled. “So, I have a confession to make that may help you relax some.”
“Oh?”
“I advertised for a wife, because I knew it would get more responses than if I had advertised for someone to help me keep my home in order. When I moved here I had no idea what to expect, except that it wouldn’t be easy. I had no idea the land was so inhospitable. It’s taken me nearly two years to make it this far and most days I feel as if I’m barely hanging on. I can’t keep up with the ranch’s needs and my own as well. I was hoping you’d be willing to keep my home clean and well kept, in exchange for a marriage that would give your child a fath
er.”
“So you thought I’d want to marry you just to give my son or daughter a good name?”
“Yes,” Bernd said, even though when she said it out loud it didn’t quite seem as nice as he’d thought.
***
Sarah sighed. “I guess I should be grateful anyone wants to marry me at all, given my circumstances. Still, it stings to know that all you wanted was a maid.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t make that clearer from the beginning. I’m not good with words much,” Bernd said. “I wasn’t even sure in the beginning what I should write. All I knew was that some men were having success finding a woman from the east when there seemed to be none available here. Do women back in Virginia not keep the house for their husbands?”
“They do, unless they can afford a maid. I just…I was just hoping that I’d be in the position to keep a promise I made to my late husband. I think in due time, though, I’ll manage to find my way. I greatly appreciate what you’re doing for me and my child,” Sarah finally said. She enjoyed her tea, nibbled on some soda crackers and then, accepting Bernd’s offer, took his arm as he led her around his ranch. As you can see there’s plenty of land for grazing. I even sectioned off several smaller fields for planting. I’d like to rotate my crops so that the fields have a rest every couple of years or so.”
“You have a lovely farm,” Sarah smiled. The process was foreign to her, she realized. Smiling when she felt anything but happy. Engaging in conversation when she wanted to be silent. Living when her husband no longer was. She knew if it wasn’t for the life she carried in her womb, the baby she’d created with her amazing, Ben; she wouldn’t have escaped the grief. It would have sucked her down so far that she’d have ceased to be even the memory of herself. So, thinking only of the baby she needed to nurture, Sarah resolved to enjoy the day and was surprised when Bernd took her back to the inn, that she had done just that.
[2016] Widow Finds Love Page 17