“Thank you so much for coming out to see my place, Sarah.”
“You’re welcome, Bernd. Thank you for inviting me.”
“Absolutely,” he said. “Let me know when you make your decision. After that we can set up a schedule that works for you. Once we have that all squared away, I can tell you more about my expectations, your pay scale, and all the other details.”
“Excellent,” she smiled. She retired to her room, taking the biscuits she’d made that afternoon with her. She’d left Bernd with enough stew and biscuits for that night, as well as, the next afternoon and evening. Dipping her biscuit in the stew broth, Sarah thought about how her life had changed in the last month. She’d gone from being elated about her new baby to the impossible grief of losing her husband, only to end up in a completely new country.
Grinning, she wondered at the mysterious ways of God. For the first time in a month she felt peace settle over her. Changing into her flannel nightgown to ward off the chill in the air, Sarah spent time talking with God.
I wouldn’t have imagined this turn of events for all the world. I didn’t want to believe it, you know. I wanted to shut out the world and pretend as if none of the bad was happening. I miss him. I miss Ben. I know I’ll grieve when he baby comes. I’ll weep for all he’s missed; all he will miss. I know he wanted me to move on, to learn to live and love again. I’m finding it to be harder than I thought in my grief. Help me Lord, to keep his dying wish.
Sarah slept peacefully for the first time in a month and woke to a beautiful, if cold, morning. She was dressed and at breakfast early, another first. She greeted Katherine with a smile, one she actually felt inside, and when Bernd showed up she hugged him.
“Sorry,” she chuckled. “I feel, for the first time in what feels like forever, alive again.”
“I’m glad to hear it,” Bernd said. Offering his arm, he helped Sarah into the buggy and they set off for his ranch. “I have to tell you that the stew you left was phenomenal. I haven’t eaten that well in a long, long time.”
“I’m glad to know you liked it. There should be plenty for our lunch and your supper tonight as well.”
“Would you join me, for supper? I can have you back to the inn just after, still in time for curfew.”
“I’d love to join you. If you have anything else to work with, I can start on a meal for tomorrow as well. Also, since I’ll be in charge of your household duties, I need to know if you’ve put up a clothesline yet.”
“I hadn’t gotten around to it yet, but I can see to that today. If you don’t mind waiting, I can stop by the lumber yard today to get the supplies.”
“I don’t mind waiting,” Sarah smiled, noticing that she meant it. As Bernd stepped down from the buggy, having secured the reigns, she watched him stride into the front of the store where transactions took place. He was tall and broad, a good six inches taller than she was, he cut a powerful figure. He was different than Ben, but not in a bad way. Where Ben had been just taller than her, with dark hair and shining brown eyes; Bernd was much taller with sandy blonde hair and pretty blue eyes. His smile was easy and never seemed to ask the gesture in return.
Sarah busied herself around the ranch house, cleaning and scrubbing cupboards and floors. While she soaked the dishes in the metal wash basin, she looked out the window to watch Bernd as he placed four-by-four posts in the ground to anchor the sides of the clothesline. By the time she had washed all the cupboards, scrubbed the floors and finished the dishes, Bernd had strung up six long lines. She saw him turn toward the window and returned his easy smile.
Chapter Three: Moving Forward
Bernd stepped into his home and felt the almost tangible difference. No longer was there a noticeable dank smell in the air. His windows were open t to the sunlight and everything just looked better, cleaner, and more organized. “I’m not going to be able to find anything now,” he joked, smiling when Sarah turned around.
He felt his heart squeeze in his chest. Love, the kind he’d never looked for and never thought was for him, swamped him straight down to his toes. It swelled inside him until it was hard for him to breathe.
“Would you like to try out the new clothesline?”
“I have some wash to hang out, yes.” Her smile had changed he noticed. It seemed warmer and more natural, as if she actually felt the happiness behind it. She needed time, he knew. Anyone would when they’d lost the love of their life. He still marveled at her strength. To stand in the face of grief and proclaim that she wouldn’t be taken down by despair. To rise above the ache in her heart and become someone who knew how to move on, which path to take and how to be effective at it. He smiled back at her.
“Alright then,” he said. “Once you get that done, we can have supper. Then I’ll get you back to the end so you can get some decent rest. How is it there by the way?”
“It’s comfortable. I’m usually so tired by the time I fall asleep that it doesn’t seem to give me much trouble.”
“I’m glad you’re able to get adequate rest. I’ve heard that expecting can wear a woman out, especially during that first few months.”
“I have noticed that I tire much easier. I’m hoping before too long I’ll recover and feel more like myself.”
“Me too,” Bernd smiled. Bernd helped Sarah carry the wash out to the line and proceeded to help her hang it, noticing that bending over seemed to make her back ache. They ate supper quietly, except for the way he exclaimed over her stew, again. “I can’t get over it. I haven’t had food this good since I left my parent’s home nearly two years ago.”
“My mother taught me that stew recipe. The biscuits I learned how to make from Ben,” she said, her eyes showing her sadness at the mention of his name. “The first time I made them, they were terrible; hard and definitely not fit for consumption. Ben taught me to use lard in my recipe and it was like adding magic. I’ve never made them any other way since then.”
“He must have been an amazing man,” Bernd said, reaching across the table to give her hand a comforting pat.
“He was,” she replied. Bernd took her home right after supper, smiling when she started to yawn as they reached the inn. “Thank you for supper, and everything else. I’m thankful that I have a friend that I can talk to about Ben. You’re such a blessing to me.”
“I am the one who is blessed, Sarah,” Bernd said, lifting her down onto the sidewalk in front of the inn. “Sleep well, my friend.”
***
Sarah did just that and for the first time since Ben’s passing, she woke with a smile on her face. She met Bernd downstairs and so went their routine. As Sarah’s pregnancy progressed, Bernd did more and more to help her. He carried clothes out to the line and hung them up. He scrubbed the floors and helped with dinner dishes, insisting that she take it easy, even when she told him she felt perfectly fine.
“I feel wonderful, Bernd,” she giggled one afternoon when he insisted on cleaning the table off. “I haven’t felt this great in weeks, months actually.”
“That’s no reason for you to start overdoing,” Bernd replied, his eyes focused on her face. She smiled and pressed a kiss to his cheek.
“Then I’ll go see if I can’t do something about that mess you call a bedroom.”
Sarah would have sworn she heard him sigh in relief when she quit arguing about finishing the rest of the laundry. So far he’d all but banned her from everything except dusting, window washing and folding laundry once he brought it in from the line. She couldn’t help but wonder if Ben would have been so protective. Probably, she resolved, knowing how well her late husband had loved her.
“Bernd is a different sort of man,” Sarah prayed with a smirk on her face. “He’s smart and caring like Ben was, but he’s got a shy side that endears me to him. Six months ago I wouldn’t have thought it possible to care for another man. I wouldn’t have thought it possible to feel happiness or joy again either. Now I know differently. Thank you for Bernd, Lord. Thank you for his friends
hip and the way he cares for me. Thank you for providing for my needs in ways I couldn’t comprehend back then. Help me to carry on. Help me to know which path to take and when to take it.”
Sarah worked that afternoon on rearranging Bernd’s room so that it was not only organized, but comfortable and roomy. His large bed, dresser, two nightstands, two lamps and two chairs fit easily in the space and Sarah felt that he’d appreciate his private space even more now.
Their routine continued on with Bernd restricting Sarah more and more as she entered her last month of pregnancy. She’d seen the town doctor every month since she’d arrived and according to him, was progressing as normally as any mother should.
“This time next month, we should all be elated to meet your new baby, Sarah,” Dr. Portman had said that morning. Bernd had been overjoyed to know that she was still doing well. The doctor scheduled another visit for two weeks from that date, just to check up and see how she was feeling. Sarah couldn’t have been happier as September rolled into October. The wind was chilly now as the last of the leaves fell from the trees and the first signs of winter began to set in. Thanks to Bernd, she’d been able to purchase bundles and bundles of yarn and had been feverishly knitting clothes for her baby. She’d chosen neutral colors like green, yellow and white to start, but had picked up other bundles of yarn for future garments. She’d also sewn several sleepers and blankets that would help keep her baby warm as winter took a tighter grip on the land as her baby grew in those first few months.
“Do you have any names picked out yet?” Bernd asked her one afternoon while she worked on fresh noodles for spaghetti.
“I’m thinking Eloise Sophia, if it’s a girl. I’d ultimately like to include Ben’s name as a middle name probably, if it’s a little boy.”
“Why not make him a junior?”
“I don’t think Ben would have wanted that. I think he would have wanted our child to have his own name, to have it be significant, but uniquely his.”
***
“I can understand that,” Bernd said, smiling when she turned those beautiful green eyes on her. He had yet to tell her that he loved her. Now just didn’t seem like the time with her so close to delivering her baby. Then he often wondered if there would ever be a right time afterward. It seemed that she’d settled into their arrangement and unsettling it now seemed like a risk he didn’t want to take yet. He spent the next four weeks arguing with himself about whether or not to tell her before the baby came. “Are you sure you’re feeling alright?”
Sarah looked up at him and smiled. “The baby’s been overactive all day,” she smiled, pressing a protective hand to her severely swollen belly. “I think he or she is definitely getting ready for a debut.”
“We should get you back home then,” Bernd said, his voice almost shaking with anxiousness. Sarah shook her head, turning to grab her knitting. Suddenly she let out a moan as a wave of pain flashed over her face. “Sarah?”
“I think this little one wants to be born here,” she chuckled. Bernd nearly fainted. She couldn’t have the baby here. He wasn’t prepared for that. He wanted to come see her and the baby when they’d been taken care of and were snuggly wrapped in bed. “Easy now big guy. We have everything here we need. Get lots of towels, and start some pots of water on the stove. You also might want to restock the wood cradle so we don’t run out overnight, just in case this takes a while.”
Bernd did as Sarah instructed, laying towels out over his bed and arranging the pillows so she could be comfortable. Then he sat back and watched her like a hawk. She paced around his house like a prowling feline as her contractions picked up. Eventually she stopped during them, unable to talk and do nothing except moan and sway her hips back and forth. Bernd had tried to send word to the doctor, but with no one else close by he couldn’t leave Sarah to go himself.
Afternoon turned quickly into evening as Sarah’s contractions started to tumble into each other. She’d done her best to tell him the things they’d need and eventually she’d crawled onto his bed, her hair now undone and braided long behind her back. “You have to check for the baby,” she said, hurriedly when her contraction passed. “Please Bernd.”
“Sarah,” he stuttered. “I can’t do this, it’s indecent.”
“It’s a baby!” she screamed, her body wracked by another contraction. Her back arched and she drew her knees up as a moan tore from her. Bernd’s hands were shaking as he lifted the hem of her dress to see a sweet, squalling baby lying on the towels he’d spread out earlier that day.
“He’s here, Sarah. You have a beautiful son.” Bernd, couldn’t barely contain his own joy as Sarah readjusted her body. Bernd secured the cord just as Sarah said, and once it stopped pulsing, cut it with a pair of sharp scissors. He quickly wrapped the baby in two thick towels and handed the baby to Sarah who looked like a goddess, holding her new baby. Overcome by the ordeal, Bernd sat down close to Sarah and pressed a kiss to her brow. “I love you Sarah Dickerson. I love you and your son.”
***
Sarah felt tears fall onto her cheeks as she cuddled her new baby. Bernd had been an amazing partner, helping her deliver her healthy, sweet-faced baby boy. At Bernd’s urging she’d named him Bernd Benjamin Dickerson. The doctor had come and given both her and baby Bernd clean bills of health. “You did an amazing job Mrs. Dickerson,” he said, smiling. “Congratulations on your little boy.”
“Thank you,” she said. “How’s the weather outside?”
“It’s cold and we got our first snow this morning, but other than that it’s splendid.”
“Maybe we’ll get out sometime this week,” she said, cuddling her baby, while he slept.
“Just be sure to bundle him up well,” the doctor advised before congratulating her again and heading out.
Having moved back to the hotel two days after delivering her son in Bernd’s home, Sarah felt her heart ache in a completely new way. Bernd hadn’t been by to see her and she missed him. To her it felt as if having her baby had created a rift between them that she didn’t know how to close. After a week, however, she bundled little Bernd up and hired a coach to take her to Bernd’s home.
When she arrived, she saw him working with the horses and smiled. He looked right there, working alongside beautiful animals that he worked hard to train and subdue. Come spring she was sure he’d have a foal on his hands and the thought thrilled her. Finding that she’d like to be around to see it, coupled with how much she missed him and the joy that rushed through her just seeing him, made Sarah realize that her heart had indeed moved on. Just as Ben had asked, she’d learned to love again.
“Bernd!” she called, waving her hand. He turned around as she was helped down from the buggy. He walked slowly toward her and she could see by the look in his eyes that something was wrong. “Are you alright? When you didn’t come to see us I thought perhaps I had angered you somehow.”
“You didn’t anger me,” Bernd said, taking a peek at the new baby. “He’s beautiful.”
“Yes he is,” she smiled. “Can we talk?”
“Sure,” he said, helping her to a seat on the porch. “I’ll be right back with some tea for you. I left it warming on the stove.” When he returned Sarah took a sip and sighed, a blissful smile crossing her face.
“What did you want to talk about?” Bernd said, his voice strained, pensive.
“You and me,” Sarah said, her green eyes challenging him with quiet censure. “The night Bernd was born you told me you loved me, you said you loved my son, yet you haven’t once come to see us since we went back to the hotel.”
“Sarah,” Bernd sighed, swiping a hand over his face. “I can’t…I don’t know the first thing about being a husband, let alone a father. I don’t have anything to offer you, either of you.”
“And what was I asking for?” Sarah demanded, standing up to pace the porch, little Bernd in her arms. “Nine months ago if you, or anyone had asked me if I would find love after losing my husband I would have g
iven you an adamant no. I wouldn’t have believed it possible, ever. God opened a door for me to come here, to make a friend. Then he saw fit to make room in my heart for you. To experience all the joy and wonder of falling in love again. I don’t want to throw all that away just because you’re scared.”
“I’m not scared, Sarah,” Bernd said, realizing for the first time that he was indeed afraid. He was afraid of hurting her, doing something terribly wrong that would harm her baby.
“Then you’re prideful,” Sarah said, her voice full of hurt. “You’d turn us away because you can’t get past your own ego. I don’t like comparing you to my late husband because I think it an unfair practice. You are completely different in so many ways, but I can tell you that he never would have turned a woman away, a woman he professed to love; just to save face. I’ll be leaving at the end of the week to travel back to Virginia. There is nothing to keep me in Texas anymore, especially with annexation likely to happen in the next year or so.”
***
Bernd watched her go and felt as if his heart would fall straight from his chest. Still, he couldn’t get his feet to move or his voice to call her back. The ache in his heart couldn’t subdue his own pride and that only made things worse.
The next three days were miserable, as they had been since Sarah had left his house after having Bernd. He’d stayed away because he’d truly thought himself unworthy of such an amazing woman. Who was he that a woman like Sarah Dickerson should fall in love with him? He wasn’t worthy to converse with her, let alone have her in his life permanently. The thought of her leaving Texas for good burned in his gut like acid and Bernd found himself saddling Jeb, the faster of his two cart horses, and heading to town. He made it to the inn in good time, only to find that Sarah had already left for the station to meet the wagon train.
Turning his horse around, Bernd wove his way through the streets, avoiding buggies, wagons, and pedestrians on his way. When he neared the station, Bernd slid off Jeb’s back and hurried toward the platform, not even stopping to tie Jeb to a post. “Sarah!” he called, “Sarah Dickerson!”
[2016] Widow Finds Love Page 18