Catch (Coronado Series Book 4)

by Lea Hart

  She asked him before she did anything, and he appreciated that. But he really didn’t care what she did. He just wanted her happy, whatever it took. He was fine if she never went back to work, because he would gladly take care of their family. But he did care about her ability to leave the house. He knew that someone as smart and interesting and vital as Rachel wasn’t going to be happy at home all the time.

  David walked in, sat on his desk, and stared at him. “How bad is it?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “You know damn well what I’m talking about. How is Rachel and what are you doing about it?”

  “David, I don’t have the patience for you this morning. We are fine, and we’re dealing with it.”

  “So she hasn’t left the house yet?”

  “Lower your damn voice. I don’t want people gossiping about her. She’s been through the worst year of her life, and she can take all the time she needs to recover from it. There is no timeline for getting over it.”

  David slipped off the desk and sat in the chair next to the desk. “I know what happened. I’m not asking about it to be an asshole. I’m asking about it because I care about you both. I know all about loss and PTSD. I just want to make sure that you’re both getting the help that you need.”

  Sitting back in his chair, Chris let out a big breath before he responded. “Thanks, man. I made a call this morning to the doctor I saw when I was in the worst of my PTSD. He’s going to see me later on today and make some recommendations. Rachel’s the most important thing in the world to me, and I will not let this past year steal the future from us.”

  David stood and clapped him on the back. “I’m here if you need me. Somehow I fell for Rachel, and I care about her and want her to be okay.” A look of frustration crossed his friend’s face. “Not that way. I know that you two are meant for each other. I fell for her as a person…as a sister. I think she’s actually the key to me finding happiness. I know it doesn’t make sense. But that’s what I believe.”

  Chris studied his friend and could see the sincerity in his words. On some level, he got what David was saying. Rachel had that effect on some people. She was one of the most down-to-earth people he’d ever met, and if she thought she could help you or be a good friend, then she would. She must have done that for David.

  Everyone thought he was a big bad Navy SEAL, and in some ways, David was, but he also had the soul of a poet. He kept that hidden under all of his bravado and good humor, but it was still there. Rachel had tapped into that and had let him know that she’d seen it. In some way, that was pure magic. It was something between the two of them, and they probably never talked about it. “Rachel is more important to me than my next breath. I’m going to do whatever it takes to make sure that we come out of this on the other side. We’re going to get married and have a bunch of kids and have a long and happy life together.”

  “Let me know if you need anything.” David nodded and got up and strode out of the office.

  Chris understood that he cared about them. That’s what his speech was all about.

  ***

  Rachel got out of the pool and dried off. She sat on the lounge chair and drank her bottle of water. She looked at the chair and realized that she could make some nice slipcovers and cushions for them. She would need to add them to her list.

  She heard the bell go off and knew that someone was coming through the side gate. A moment of panic rose in her chest. She tamped it down and realized that no one was coming through the gate without the code. She heard Chloe call her name as the gate closed.

  “Rach, it’s me, Chloe. I’m taking you up on the invitation to swim.” She walked around the corner and saw her friend sitting on the lounge chair. “Is it okay that I showed up?”

  Rachel gave her a big smile in welcome. “I’m happy to have the company. How come you’re home during the week?”

  “The case I’m on has been continued for two weeks—the defense has requested time to cross the witnesses we’re bringing in next. It’s just a delaying technique. It gives me the rest of the week off, and I can’t say that I’m upset.”

  “Jump in the water. The temperature is perfect. I just finished doing my laps. I’ll go get us something to drink and be back in a few moments.”

  “Thanks, Rachel. You didn’t have to do that.”

  “I enjoy having people over. I like having company.”

  Chloe pulled herself out of the pool, grabbed her towel, and came and sat next to Rachel. “You would have all kinds of people to talk to if you left your house.”

  “Thanks, Chloe, for pointing out the obvious. I’m recovering from surgery and my injuries.”

  “That happened a while ago. Did you get the mail today?”

  “No, Chris usually picks it up when he comes home.”

  “You could do it today. Why don’t I go with you? We’ll walk out the front door, go down the path, and get your mail. Who knows? There could be some really good catalogs in there.”

  “Fine, let’s go and get the mail. I’ll show you that there’s nothing wrong with me.”

  Chloe stood up, wrapped her towel around her waist, and held out her hand to Rachel. “Come on, let’s do this.”

  Rachel followed her friend through the house and took deep breaths as she got closer to the front door. When did this become such a big deal? She waited for Chloe to open the front door, and she felt a wave of panic seize her chest as it swung open. She didn’t want what was out there to come inside. Everything horrible that happened to her was outside those doors. She found her feet stuck to the floor in the entryway. It was as though someone had applied superglue to the bottoms, and she couldn’t move them. Intellectually, she knew what she needed to do, but she couldn’t get the message to her body.

  Chloe studied her and spoke in a gentle tone. “I see a box out here, and it looks like it’s from your favorite store. Come out and see what it is.”

  “You can just hand it to me,” Rachel squeaked.

  “Come and stand at the door, and I’ll get it for you. You don’t have to go outside. Just take a step toward me.” She held out her hand and waited. Chloe knew that this was going to be difficult, perhaps impossible. But maybe it could be a first step. “Come and stand in the doorway, and I’ll get your mail and your package.”

  Rachel started shaking her head. In a deathly quiet voice, she responded, “I can’t, Chloe.”

  Chloe watched the color drain from her friend’s face as she started to shake. “Okay, you don’t have to. I’ll go and be return in a sec.” Maybe encouraging her friend wasn’t such a good idea after all. She grabbed the box as she walked into the house. “Rach, are you okay?” Her friend was huddled against the wall and was shaking and staring out the door sightlessly. “I’m going to call Chris.”

  She grabbed the cell phone off the table and hit Chris’s number. Once he picked up, she relayed the situation to him, and he said he would be home in fifteen minutes. Chloe sat next to her friend and wrapped her arm around her. Rachel wasn’t saying anything as she stared out the front window with tears sliding down her face. “I’m sorry, Rachel. I didn’t mean to cause you so much pain.”

  They sat against the wall in the fading winter sunlight, and Chloe sang old lullabies that her mama had sung to her and Gracie. It was probably ridiculous, but it was the only thing that she could think to do.

  Chloe heard Chris’s truck in the driveway and knew that Rachel was going to feel better once she saw him. They were both starting to become chilled in their damp towels. Sitting around in wet bathing suits in November, even in California, wasn’t a good idea.

  Chris came through the door and let out a breath when he saw what was happening to Rachel. “Hi, honey. I’m home. How was your swim?” He noticed that she didn’t react to any of his words and didn’t seem to hear him.

  “Thanks, Chloe, for calling me. I was on my way home when you called.”

  “I’m sorry. This is my fault. I came over for a
swim, and then I suggested that we go out and get the mail.”

  “It’s not your fault. This has been coming. Now we just have to deal with it.” Chloe looked at him with sad eyes. “Go home and get warm. You’re freezing. I’ll call you in the morning.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes, I’ll call you if there’s anything I need,” Chris replied.

  Chloe leaned over and kissed her friend. “I’m here, Rachel, when you need me. I promise I’ll never ask you to go out and get the mail again.”

  Chris patted her shoulder. “Thanks, Chloe.”

  He watched her go through the front door and close it. “Honey, I’m going to take you to the shower and get you warm. You’re chilled to the bone.” Still no reaction to his words, just tears slowly streaming down her face. He leaned down and picked her up and held her close against him. As they moved down the hall, he spoke to her quietly. “We are going to get through this. Nobody is taking away our happy life together. This is just a bump in our road, and we’re going to make our way around it.”

  Once they were in the bathroom, he stripped her suit off her and turned on the warm water. Once he was satisfied with the temperature, he opened the door and helped her in. He was about to release her hand, but she wouldn’t let go.

  She turned toward him and whispered, “Don’t leave me, Chris. I’m sorry I lost our baby.”

  He gathered her in his arms and almost crushed her to him in his embrace. “I’m never going to leave you. We are with each other until the end of time. You didn’t lose anything. Those bastards took it away from us.” She finally looked at him, and what he saw broke his heart. The pain in her eyes was more than he could stand. “Let’s get in the shower together. I want you to warm up.” He quickly got out of his clothes and stepped into the shower with her. They were soon enveloped in the steam, and Chris held her as she fell apart. All of the tears from the last year came pouring out of her. The fear, the pain, the anger, and the loss of their child were in every drop of water that left her body. Chris slid down the wall with Rachel in his arms and held her, and eventually, he joined her in letting out the pain. He hadn’t cried since he was a kid, and it felt damn good finally to let it out.

  A long time passed, and the water had cooled as they let the last of the pain leave their bodies. “Honey, let’s get out.” He stood up, turned off the water, and grabbed some towels from the rack. He dried them both off and combed Rachel’s hair before taking them to bed. He settled her under the covers. “I’m going to lock up and get some water for us. I’ll be back in a few minutes.” She nodded and laid her head on the pillows.

  Chris made his way through the house quickly and secured everything. He grabbed two bottles of water and returned to their room. Rachel was buried under the covers. He dropped his towel and got in bed with her. “Rach, I need you to drink some water.”

  She lifted her hand out of the covers and moved it back and forth. “It wasn’t a question. I’m going to lift you up, and I want you to have a little.” He lifted her shoulders, and she finally sat up a little and took some of the bottle. “See, that wasn’t so hard.” She lay down, rolled over, and pulled the covers over her head. Chris drank his whole bottle and turned off the light. He wrapped his body around Rachel and held her as they fell asleep. “I love you, Rachel.”

  “I love you, Chris.” She squeezed his hand, settled against him, and soon fell asleep.

  Now they could begin to deal with what had happened.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

  Rachel lay against Chris and stared out the window into the early morning sunlight. She knew that hiding was no longer an option, and she was going to have to face what had happened over the last year. Yesterday was enough to scare her into action. She wanted to be worthy of the man wrapped around her and have a life with him. She also wanted to have children, and she needed to be healthy before that happened. Chris moved against her and stretched.

  Leaning over, he kissed her on the cheek. “Good morning, honey.”

  She rolled over into his arms and buried her face in his chest. She seemed to be doing a lot of that lately. “Morning.” His big hand ran up and down her back as his erection pushed into her stomach. “Don’t adjust your hips,” she said. “You can stay where you are.”

  “I’m sorry, honey. I don’t want you to feel pressured by what’s happening to me.”

  “I don’t feel pressure…I feel desire.”

  He pulled back and looked down at her. “Desire?”

  “Yes, Mr. Ellis. I know that I’m in bad shape, and I have to start dealing with what’s happened to me. I was wondering if I could lose myself with you for a while. I realize that I may be using sex to avoid dealing with my feelings, but I want to. I really want to.”

  “My counselor at the VA would say that was using a coping method that didn’t allow you to deal with the trauma.”

  “I know I have a ton of work in front of me. I know that I’m in bad shape, and I’m ready to get the help I need. But can we please make love first? I want to feel like I’m whole again, and you still want me.”

  Tipping her head up, he stared into her eyes. “I’ve never stopped wanting you. You had to heal, and I didn’t want to rush you. Please don’t mistake my concern for a lack of desire. I want you as much today as I did a month ago. Probably more.”

  He took possession of her mouth and kissed her with a ferocity that was a healing balm over her soul. “I love you, Chris.”

  He rolled her on top of him. “You are in charge of how this goes. I don’t know how you’re feeling, so I want you to direct the action.”

  Staring down at him, she smiled. “I know how you’re feeling, so let’s try this.”

  “I’m at your command.”

  “It’s a lot to command, but I want to try.” She ran her hand down his chest and felt his solid frame under her hands. He was physically massive, but underneath that, he was emotionally and intellectually a rock of a man. She lifted his erection away from his stomach and watched his face as she slowly slid herself down his length and held him within her body. Smiling for the first time in weeks, she was satisfied with her first efforts. “So far, so good.” She noticed the sweat rolling down the side of his face. “Oh, is it okay?”

  He choked out a response. “I’m doing the mathematics of a HALO jump right now. It’s the only hope I have of not behaving like an animal. Carry on.”

  Lifting herself up and down, she smiled. “So what exactly is involved with a HALO jump?”

  Lifting his hips into her with his eyes closed, he gritted his teeth and tried to respond. “It has to do with the height of the…”

  Gripping him and holding herself still, she convulsed around him as she fell into the bliss of her body. He rolled her over, pressed into her with one thrust, and exploded into her. There was nothing gentle or sweet about his response to her. He continued to move his hips into her, because he didn’t want the connection to end. They were joined as one and wanted to stay that way.

  Collapsing onto her, he buried his face in her hair and tried to gain some sort of control over his emotions. “I always enjoyed the HALO jumps.”

  “I imagine that you would. I, however, enjoyed what we just did and would like to include it in my road to recovery. I know I have to find someone to talk to, Chris.”

  “We are going to get through this together.”

  “Together.”

  ***

  They sat at the table, drank their coffee, and looked at one another. “I’m sorry for not dealing with this. I thought the problem would magically fix itself and the outside world wouldn’t seem so scary. That never happened.”

  “I’ve never shared with you my experience with PTSD. I had a bad run of it about five years ago. It’s one of the reasons that the relationship I was in failed. I want you to know that this is something we can get through. You have to do the work, though, and I’m here to support you. I spoke with the doctor who helped me, and he made some recommendation
s and gave me some names of people we can call.”

  “There is a part of me that feels foolish. I wanted to believe that I’m capable of getting over it myself, but apparently, I’m not.”

  “That’s the sort of thinking that prolongs the symptoms and thus the negative coping mechanisms. I know that better than anyone. I denied what was happening to me, and I almost didn’t get cleared for active duty. PTSD is a response to a trauma. That’s it.”

  “That seems so simple.”

  “In many ways, it is. And in many ways, it’s impossible.”

  “So my inability to go outside is my way of dealing with the impact of the trauma?”

  “More or less. Let’s find the right person for you to talk to, and then you can start the process of dealing with what’s happened to you.”

  “How did you manage to get to the other side?” Rachel asked.

  “I worked my ass off and found some techniques that helped me deal with the flashbacks, stress, and anxiety. The hardest part for me was admitting that I had a problem. Hell, I was a big, bad spec ops warrior. How could something like that make me inoperable in the field? Guess what…trauma that isn’t dealt with is as dangerous as a bullet wound.”

  “Was it one thing or lots of little things combined?” Rachel asked.

  “I saw a kid blow himself up. I thought I could save him, and I couldn’t. He was probably eight or nine years old.”

  “Oh, Chris. How did you deal with that?”

  “Not well, for a long time. I’d been on patrols for almost a year in Fallujah, and we’d seen a lot of nasty shit. Man’s inhumanity to man is something that you never get used to. I’m sure the people in the Middle East feel the same way about us. They think big, bad America is responsible for the ills all over the world. Anyway, I could never get used to the insurgents’ willingness to put women and children in the fight. I can go out every day and protect the interests of this country and our allies. I have no problem with that. In fact, I welcome it. It’s what I signed up for. I just can’t understand insurgents asking their women and children to sacrifice themselves for the cause. It makes no sense to me. I can stare down the barrel of my gun at another man with no problem, but I will never get used to looking though the scope into a child’s eyes.”