Lugner does not seem nearly as pleased. “Are you insane?” he asks. “How can you say you love someone and leave them behind? How can you go back and tell Hank that you just arbitrarily decided that his wife needs to stay in Hell?” He actually seems a little angry at me.
Damn it, I didn’t even think of Hank. He had begged me to do it. He is so new here, and he never had the experience I did with the whole temp agency thing. He will probably be pissed at me too. But hopefully, over time he will come to understand.
That is what I say now to Lugner. “And I hope you can understand too. I just feel very strongly that this is the right thing to do. And I think Linda would agree if she could.” I hope and pray that she will agree someday once she knows and understands.
“You keep on telling yourself that when you are back in Paradise. Try not to think about the woman who loved you so much that she helped raise your daughter like a niece, and cried for you every single day that you were not around. Keep telling yourself that she would want you to leave her here. That everyone will understand, that you felt it was the right thing to do.” I am openly sobbing now. And he stands up, which I take as a dismissal, so I also stand and head for the door. I turn around and look at him again. This man, or angel, that I thought was the most handsome specimen I had ever laid eyes on, now looks twisted and red-faced with anger. I am more than a little frightened. I decide to try to divert the subject just a little.
“I would like to say goodbye to Joe before I leave,” I say through my sobs.
He presses a button and says to the air, “Suzy, bring Joe out front to say goodbye to Ms. Patterson.” Then he looks at me and sneers before he adds, “Leave Linda in the conference room.” That was his way of telling me that I cannot see Linda again. I choke back another sob as I leave his office and run right into Joe.
Joe looks concerned. “Louise, are you okay?” He grabs my shoulders as I start to fall.
“I think I need to sit down,” I say weakly.
He takes me over to a chair and sits down next to me. “What happened?” he asks.
“Things just didn’t turn out the way I thought. Lugner turned out to be kind of a jerk.” “Well sure, if his name is any indication,” Joe says. I suddenly remember when he told me about this office. Joe had said, “There might be thousands of Lugners down here, obviously…” What did he mean by “obviously?” And what does he mean now?
“What does his name have to do with anything?” I ask.
“My maternal grandmother was German. She was also Pentecostal. She used the word Lugner a lot. In German it translates to “Deceiver.” Pretty ironic name for a lawyer, you think?” Joe answers. Then he gets a look of real concern on his face. “Louise, are you okay? You just went white, like a ghost.”
I have lost all peripheral vision. There is a ringing in my ears. Deceiver. I knew he was an angel in Hell. I just didn’t realize he was the angel of Hell. I can’t breathe. I need to get out of here. I fucked up. I fucked up so badly. I must get out of here. I get up and head for the door. I am met by Suzy, the great bitch of the west. “Get out of my way!” I say to her.
“I don’t think so,” she replies, and she reaches out and locks the door. When she glares at me this time, her eyes shine red, like tiny embers from a fire are burning inside of her.
“I knew you were too horrible to be human!” I scream as I turn around and run straight into Joe again.
“Louise, what is happening?” Joe is now frightened too.
“Joe, I am so sorry,” I plead through my fresh sobs. “But Lugner is the…” I don’t have time to finish. The door to Lugner’s office blows open and out he comes in all his glory. His wings unfurled and very visible to all of us.
The damned.
Because we are in his kingdom.
Satan has arrived.
Joe screams next to me, and I push him behind me. I look up at Lugner and say as bravely as I can, “Let us go, Lugner. You won’t win today.”
He looks at me and his eyes are filled with so much hatred. There is an overwhelming sense of malice in his voice as he practically spits his words out. “Perhaps you are right, Ms. Patterson. But I cannot allow you to leave my part of the neighborhood for a second time without getting the authentic Hell experience.” Then he realizes all of my nightmares. He rains fire down on us like a summer shower. Screams are heard from all over the building, and I am pretty sure some of them were mine. People start scattering around, running up to windows and doors, beating on them, trying to break through. The heat is overwhelming now and the flames are licking at us. Lugner is now high above us, and I cannot look up to see him without going blind. Suzy is laughing as she stands at Lugner’s feet. I want to punch her, to feel her face against my fist. But I can’t. Joe is now unconscious from the smoke and the flames and probably the fear. I see that someone has broken through the door and people have started spilling out into the street.
I grab Joe by his collar and drag him out. “You’ll be okay. I’m so sorry. You’ll be okay.” It’s my mantra as I get him out into the street. I stand there and scream both inside my head and outside. “Gabby! Send help! Please!”
I start to scan the folks standing on the street, sitting on the curb, or lying on the sidewalk. Linda is not here. I look back at the building that used to say “Davis, Morgan, and Lugner. Now it is just a ball of fire. I put my head down, scream to release the tension, and dive back into the building.
The smoke is now suffocating. The heat hits me like a wall as I run through the building looking for the conference room. I go by something that looks like it might be a kitchen, and then a restroom, and finally a conference room. It is engulfed in fire and I can barely see. I walk through feeling my skin burning and my nose is filled with the stench of burning hair. I finally see a shape in the darkness and I move closer. Linda has passed out, her poor old body splayed across the table with burning files surrounding her like candles at a vigil.
I am able to lift her. She is very light. One of the benefits to living into your 90s. I carry her outside and try to force some fresh air into her. I lean over her, sobbing and holding on to her for dear life. “I am so sorry,” I say to her. “I don’t want to leave you here. I don’t want you to suffer.” I wish that her eyes would open and she would see me. If I could explain everything maybe it would make sense to her. Maybe it would make sense to me.
There are hands on my shoulder. I look up and see Will. “Will! You are here!” I stand to grab him and hold him so tight that I think at that moment we were one person.
“Of course we are here. We wouldn’t let you do this on your own,” he says with so much kindness that I’m reduced to tears again.
“We?” I ask. “Who else is here?”
“Look over there,” he says with a wide smile.
I look where he is pointing and see Gabby. Beautiful Gabby doing what angels are supposed to do. She is not making coffee or making sure everyone is on time. Today she is not a glorified coffee maker or alarm clock. Today she is an archangel! Suddenly I understand all the terror, but also the sheer awe that archangels inspire. Today Gabby’s wrath is unleashed, and I am more thankful than I can describe that she’s doing it on my behalf. She flies over the law office and with a wave of her hand the fire goes out, then she turns to face the Devil. I see Lugner standing on the street, looking almost frightened. He waits until she lands and starts mending the wounded before he disappears. “So much for his kingdom,” I say, and Will laughs.
I approach Gabby as she is hovering over Linda. “Will she be okay?” I ask nervously.
“She will be fine,” Gabby says. “But she won’t wake up until you are gone.” She looks at me and gives me a sad smile.
“That’s okay,” I say with genuine gratitude. Then I ask, “Will she understand?”
Gabby looks at me and puts her arm around me. “Not today. Not tomorrow. But someday, yes. Lou, you know how this story ends. Just be patient, she will come. In her own time.”
Gabby picks up the unconscious Joe and carries him back to the agency. Will and I walk together without talking. When we get back, I stop at the elevator and say, “I’ll be back. I have to talk to someone.”
Will says, “He will be okay, Lou. Just be honest with him.”
I approach Hank’s door with trepidation. I knock, and he opens the door slowly. He looks at me with shock and concern. I look down at my charred clothes and soot covered skin. “It’s been a bad day,” I say.
“Come in!” Hank says and leads me into the living room. He gets me a cold glass of water that I drink quickly. Then I look at him and start to cry.
“What happened?” he asks, his concern etched deeply in his face.
I try to tell him the whole story. I keep having to stop when I get so upset that I can no longer form the words. When I am finally done, I look at him with pleading eyes. “Can you forgive me Hank? Can you understand?”
Hank grabs my hands and squeezes them. “Can you forgive me?” he asks through tears of his own.
“Why should I forgive you?”
“I had no idea what I was asking you to do. I don’t know anything about Hell, Louise. The fact that you had to fight the devil himself…what if you had agreed? What would that have cost you? And whatever the price, it would be on my head because I asked you to do it.” He sits back and searches for the right words to say. “You made the right decision. Linda has to do this, and she will do it her way. Just like you have done everything you have your own way. There is nothing to forgive, Louise. You have always loved Linda, and you proved that when you left her exactly where she needed to be.”
I hug Hank for a long time before heading back to the agency. Now that the literal smoke has cleared, I have to face Gabby. I think I am as frightened of this as I was when I realized Lugner was Satan.
I walk in, and Gabby is sitting alone in the lobby. She looks at me and gives me an appraisal with her gaze that makes me wish I could go home and change. “You are a mess, Louise,” she says. “Coffee?”
“Please,” I answer. I sit and wait for her to hand me the mug. I breathe in the aroma and immediately am crying once again. This is the theme for the day. Louise Patterson, the woman who never runs out of tears.
“Did I forget to put cream in it?” Gabby jokes with me.
I just launch. “Oh, Gabby. I’m so stupid! I am the biggest, most arrogant, most unbelievable dim jerk in the universe! I was conniving with the devil!” I am now wracked with sobs.
“You really are pretty arrogant if you believe that you are the only person to ever be tempted by Lugner. That is his game. He makes it sound better to do it his way. He had to trick you because he knew you were coming from a place paved with good intentions. If you wanted to openly defy Deedy he would have been completely honest with you about him or about the contract he would have made you sign. And at the end of the day, when you had to make a decision, you made the right one.”
“Will Deedy be angry?” I say, like a frightened child.
“Why did you want Linda to be free from Hell?” Gabby asks.
“Because she is a good person. She was my best friend. She loved the people in her life, including my daughter. She is more than her mistakes,” I say with renewed passion.
“So what you were thinking of doing came from a place of love?”
“Of course, unconditionally!” I say.
“And who is the highest example of unconditional love?” I see where she is going with this.
“Deedy,” I murmur.
Just then Joe comes out of Deedy’s office looking shaken but overjoyed. “Speaking of Deedy, I think Joe just got re-introduced to him,” I say with a smile.
“Creator…my creator…I’ve been working for…Gabby! You have wings!” Joe is still a little star-struck. He looks at me and gives me a huge grin. “You have known, right? This whole time?”
“Of course I have. What kind of guardian angel would I be if I hadn’t?”
“Guardian angel? I knew you didn’t fix elevators!”
We are all laughing as Joe pulls out a post-it note. “Louise, I have to go to this place. It is called WF&PI. Will you be coming with me?”
“Not this time. But you will be fine. That place will rock your afterlife!” I say, giving him a congratulatory pat on the back. “And I will see you very soon.” He offers me a hug, and I happily take it.
“I’ll walk with you Joe,” Gabby says, then whispers to me, “He has so many friends and family waiting for him, it’s going to be a long night.”
“I’ll hang back here for a little while if that is okay?” I ask. “I just feel like being alone for a minute or two.”
“Certainly. But please, do not make coffee. Drink what is there. If I come back and find a mess—”
“I know, I know, there will be a smiting in my future.” I tease.
After they leave, I stand and look around at the sparse lobby. I choose a chair and go and kneel, putting my folded hands under my chin, and begin to speak.
“Hello, Deedy. I am not sure you can hear me. But I want to say I am sorry that I almost got sucked into a really bad idea, and for getting Linda and Joe caught in the crossfire of my bad decision-making. I’m also sorry I was kind of a crap guardian angel to Joe. I don’t know how many other guardian angels ever had their charges deliberately ditch them, but I am sure it was not many. And I have to say I am sorry that I wanted to punch Suzy in the face, but that is really hard to apologize for, because she had it coming. So I guess I will just apologize for not wanting to apologize for wanting to hit her. Does that make sense? I also just want to say thank you for letting me see Linda, and for letting me get to know Joe. Damn, Deedy, I miss you. And I love you. Amen.”
I get up and turn around and look out the window. It is all just bright light, blinding me. But I let it sear my vision and dry my tears. Suddenly I am startled by a strange sound. It is the sound of jingling. Like bells on Santa’s sleigh…or change in a jar!
I turn and see the curse jar sitting on the chair where I was just praying. I laugh as I put a quarter in it. Then I feel someone take my hand.
I look up into the face of Deedy. The face I know with the pointy nose and the funny teeth and those huge expressive eyes. “Deedy!” I exclaim as I launch into his arms.
He wraps his arms around me and holds me close. I feel renewed and refilled. I feel whole again. My vision clears, and I can see everything. It is all back. But the most important thing that is back is Deedy. “I have never been so happy to see anyone more than I am to see you,” I say with fresh tears falling. “I missed you so much.”
“I missed you too, my darling girl,” Deedy says in his Welsh brogue. “But I will say you did a tremendous job with Joe. Mae gwaith da!”
“I even missed your gibberish,” I say giddily. “And thanks, but I know I didn’t do everything right.”
“So you met Lugner. What did you expect, that you can hang out in Hell and never run into him?” Deedy says casually.
“I think I made it worse for Linda instead of better. She still has to work for him.”
“No, she does not. Just because she is in his territory, does not mean that she is not mine. I have already arranged for her to have another job. And I’m getting her out of that hotel room and into an apartment. She won’t have it easy, but you didn’t make it any harder for her.”
“Thank you, Deedy! But I have to tell you something. I didn’t just meet Lugner.” Suddenly I feel the need to confess. “At first, well...for most of the time…I actually thought he was attractive.” I wince at my own words.
“Oh, please,” Deedy says dismissively “Back in the day, before the fall, when he was with us up here? Gabby and the others were nuts about him. They treated him like Elvis.” He laughs.
“Thanks again,” I say with more gratitude than I can ever really express. I asked for this demotion and you gave it to me. But I think you knew that you were giving me much mo
re.” I am being totally honest with him now.
He looks at me with that look of pure affection. “And I haven’t even gotten started yet. Louise, I have something for you that I think you have finally earned.” Then he slaps me hard on the back.
“Ouch! That hurt!” I whine at him. But then I realize that there is a new sensation where he had made contact. I feel like I have extra arms or something, but when I look to my side I see them. Not arms. Wings!
“Really?” I say overjoyed.
“Yes, really. But no powers yet. You have to work with Gabby, and we are talking a whole new skill set, Louise.” Deedy smiles down on me, and I really do feel like I can fly.
“I can. I will. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.” I am so excited.
“And that means you will be on her schedule, so you might have to get used to being a morning person,” Deedy says.
“Stop trying to depress me,” I murmur. “You can’t make this bad. These are wings!” I am now dancing around the office.
“Then why don’t you take them for a spin?” Deedy opens up the window.
I look at him once more and say, “Thank you for everything.”
And then I leap and start to soar!
As I am looking down on Heaven and Hell, I am considering what I have learned.
That each of us must take our own journey. When someone decides they are taking a different path than you would take, or you would like them to take, that it is not your right to take away that choice. Understand that if you love them…you will let them. Even if that means letting them go.
Remembering Hell Page 13