“Thanks, Hank, I will talk to you tomorrow.” I make my way to the door.
“Okay, but Louise?” I turn and face him. “Ask yourself this question. Would Linda do it for you?”
Of course Linda would do it for me. Probably without question. Am I so terrible that I can’t just run back to Lugner and say “Let’s do it!” without hesitation? I just feel that something is not right. I can’t shake it. So I go back to my apartment and get ready for bed.
I lie down in the emptiness of the night and let the dark fold over me. I realize I hate the dark now, like that awkward kid in high school, with its quietness and its need to invade your personal space. I jump up and turn on a small lamp on the other side of the room, giving just enough illumination to bully the protrusive dark away. I scurry back to my bed and pull the covers around my eyes to hide the light. I do this with as little sense of irony as I can possibly muster. I am drifting off to sleep when I decide to just go ahead and throw it out there. “Please help me? Send me a sign?” I mentally try to push the thoughts through my own veil and straight to Deedy’s ears. I then send up the wish that I hope he gets the message. Finally true darkness overtakes me. And then I dream.
Linda and I are young again and walking together in a wooded area. Like hiking, which is funny because Linda and I never went hiking. We are walking and talking and laughing just like we used to do, and I feel so happy. Then we come to a fork in the path. One side is dark and filled with underbrush. It looks creepy, so I turn to the other path that is much more open. I say to Linda, “Let’s go down here. It looks way better.”
Linda looks at me and says, “That is your way. This is mine. We can’t go together. This is where we have to part ways.”
“But, Linda, I know the way down this path. Come with me.” I sound desperate now.
“I can’t. I have to go my own way.” She sounds so calm, even as she’s walking into the darkness.
I find myself crying now. “But, you’ll get lost,” I say to her, pleadingly.
“And I will find my way out,” she says. “Don’t worry. I will meet you on the other side. Just wait, be patient.”
“Wouldn’t you rather be able to see everything? You can if you will just follow me,” I say, making one last ditch effort to keeping her safe.
“See everything? If I follow you, the only thing I will be able to see is your back. I really must go. If you love me, you will let me.” And then she disappears into the darkness.
I wake up to the sound of my own sobs. I fall to my knees and don’t even care if there is no one out there to hear me. “Thank you. Thank you for my sign. I now know what to do. Thank you.”
Now all I have to do is hope I have the courage to do it.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Joe stands in front of his closet with his mouth open in a silent scream of horror. They can’t be serious. He thinks as he takes out an old fashioned hospital gown. Not only do I have to go to work as a cashier in a superstore, but I will also be mooning everyone in the process? He digs around inside the closet, hoping against hope that there is underwear. Of course there is not. Maybe if he gets to work early, he will have time to purchase a pair before his shift. Then all he has to do is to also hope that they stay together long enough to make it through the day. The underwear sold in the superstore usually doesn’t keep its elastic longer than juicy fruit gum keeps its flavor. In other words, ten minutes and they are around your ankles. Still, that is all he’s got, so he gets dressed quickly. Not that it takes long to slip into a gown, and heads downstairs.
Louise has just arrived, and she can’t stop laughing. She is in a state of delirious convulsions, and Joe thinks he may have to slap her to bring her back to being reasonable. Not that he would mind slapping her right about now.
After Louise pulls herself together, they walk to the superstore in pretty mild conversation. Of course she’s enjoying his predicament a little too much, and he gets the sense that she may be hiding something about her own day’s plans from him. But they get there, and she wishes him luck before he enters the store alone.
Inside, he heads straight for the underwear and pulls a pair off the shelf. Then he approaches one of the sales girls and asks for the manager. She rolls her eyes, but then she sees his outfit and stares openly at him for a full thirty seconds.
“The manager, now,” he says to her sharply.
In about ten minutes the manager appears, and he introduces himself. The manager is an older man with about seven hairs still hanging on for dear life in his head. They are all white. He is short, about five feet two inches, and he is a bit...well, squirrely is the first word that comes to Joe’s mind. Like he’s always nervous. His small brown eyes are constantly darting back and forth like he’s waiting for some employee to jump out and punch him. His name is Martin. He doesn’t seem to notice the fact that Joe’s ass is hanging out. He just launches into his spiel.
“Okay, here is where your register is going to be. In books and stationary. It is the least busy of all of our departments so it should be pretty easy. If anyone comes in and wants to know how to find a product, you just send them to Betty. She will be working at the register next to you, and she has been here for a while, so she knows the ropes. Other than directing customers to her, I would not talk to Betty. She doesn’t have the best disposition.” Betty looks up from her magazine to gaze over at Martin. He physically jumps at her stare. She then turns to Joe and looks him up and down, very slowly. It feels almost intimate, and Joe can feel color warming his face. Then he meets her eyes and she just starts to laugh.
“I’m happy to amuse,” Joe says with a bow. Then he turns to Martin. “Can I pay for these before I start? I’d like to rectify my current situation.”
Martin looks down and notices what Joe is wearing for the first time. “Oh my goodness. Don’t worry! Just go put them on. Put something on.” Then he scurries away.
Joe looks around for a restroom or a changing room, but doesn’t see anything nearby. So he just goes behind his counter and slips on the underwear. Feeling a little better, he thinks he’s ready for his day.
And man, is it a long damn day. When Martin said this was not a popular department he was being understated. It actually seems like the only customers who come into the books and stationary department are the ones who wander in by accident. Joe has only rung up two people in the last four hours. Betty is a bit of a freak show too. One customer came in looking for electronics, and she lunged at him with a steak knife. Another one asked them if they carry greeting cards, and Betty started throwing books at her. But not before she set fire to them. Yeah, throwing flaming books at customers. That is Martin’s idea of a “not nice disposition.” Joe laughs at his own thoughts.
Suddenly, there is a youthful looking man walking through the department. And he has a book in his hand. This could be an actual customer. Joe stands and looks expectantly at the boy. The young man walks up and puts the book on the counter.
“I would like to return this,” he says.
Joe notices that Betty has stood up and is rolling up her sleeves. He catches her eye and says, “I’ll take care of this one, Betty.” She sits down, but continues to give the man the fish eye.
Joe looks at the book and notices that it’s A Tale of Two Cities. “This has always been one of my favorites,” he says to the young man. “Why would you want to return it?”
“You have read it before?” he asks Joe.
“Yes. Many times,” Joe answers.
“Well, I haven’t. This was my first time,” the man says.
“And, you didn’t like it?” Joe asks.
“Look at the end,” the man says.
Joe flips through the book to the last page. It ends with Sydney being led to the prison. Then it just stops. “It is missing the last page,” Joe says incredulously.
“Which is why I need to return it.”
Joe walks with him to the section of the books where Tale of Two Cities would be. He picks up
another copy and goes to the end. The last page is also missing. There is one more copy. Joe picks it up, holding out little hope. He turns to the back and finds that the last page is missing. “They are all incomplete.”
The young man looks dejected. “Now I will never know how it ends.”
Joe says, “Come here.” And sits the young man down on a stool by his register. “Stanly Carton goes to the prison where they are keeping Darnay. He convinces him to change clothes with him, then he drugs him so the guards will carry him away. Then Carton takes Darnay’s place at the guillotine, where he is executed.”
“Wow. That is kind of a stupid thing to do,” the young man mumbles.
“Well, he does it so that he can give his life meaning. He says something really great at the very end,” Joe replies.
“Do you remember it?”
“Yes, I think I do. He says ‘It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known’.”
“That’s nice. Guess he didn’t end up here, eh?” The boy laughs at his own joke.
“Guess not,” Joe says. “You still want to return the book?”
“Nah. I’ll keep it, if you don’t mind writing that part about going to a better place in the back of it?”
“Sure. I certainly will.” Joe writes the quote complete with crediting it to Charles Dickens and hands the book back to the young man.
He watches the man walk toward the exit and sees Martin coming at him at lightning speed. “Joe. I need to speak with you in the back.”
Joe walks with him to the back and feels a stone forming in his belly. He knows this is not going to end well. He gets back there and there it is, on the table waiting for him. A pink slip.
Terminated for Fostering Closure
Joe grabs it and leaves. He storms out and starts walking toward Deedy’s office. This is getting old fast. What is the point of having a job for four fucking hours? How is he going to explain this? Then he stops, in the middle of the street and grabs his head. Memories are rushing back to him now. He is suddenly laughing and crying at the same time. Oh, so many beautiful thoughts flowing through him. Why is he here? Why was he damned for all eternity? He must get to Deedy. He must explain.
He doesn’t even feel like stopping for a chat with Gabby drinking root beer. He wants Deedy to know what he remembered. Gabby seems to sense that and sends him directly back to Deedy’s office. He goes in and sits down.
“Fired again. But guess what I remembered?” Joe says excitedly.
“Tell me everything!” Deedy says.
“I didn’t kill Tommy! He didn’t kill himself because of me!” Joe says excitedly.
“Of course he didn’t,” Deedy says.
“No, I mean. Tom was sick. It was cancer of the stomach. He knew he was dying, and he wanted to clear everything up before his time. He came to me and asked me to out him. I wrote the story almost exactly like he told me. I even gave him a preview copy for his final approval. He was so glad, so grateful to me for putting it out there the way he wanted. So that his family would not have to deal with it after his death.”
“And it seems that you did a wonderful job. That is why he felt okay leaving a little earlier than scheduled,” Deedy says with so much caring.
“Speaking of that, he committed suicide.”
“Yes, he did.”
“Did he end up here?” Joe asks.
“No. He’s happy now, and with his loved ones,” Deedy responds.
“Good. That is good to hear.” “Well, son. I think you are ready for a very big job.” Deedy gives him a yellow post-it note.
Joe looks at the address. “I know this place. Louise was going there.”
“Yes, that’s the place,” Deedy says, as if he knows all about Louise. “You start tomorrow.” Deedy watches him with great concern in his eyes.
Joe feels a chill go down his spine. He doesn’t understand why, but he’s frightened. Tomorrow he will start at Davis, Morgan, and Lugner Law Offices.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
I barely slept all night. I am excited and frightened and sad and overjoyed all at the same time. I am also nervous. I’m still not sure that I am making the right decision. But I do know deep down that it is the only decision. I get up and get dressed in my simple, yet comfortable and not too disastrous outfit, still giggling over Joe’s hospital gown from yesterday. When I am ready to walk out the door I notice a post-it note on the inside of my door. It says:
Lou, today is the day for Joe. Last job. Dangerous. – Gabby
I read the note a couple of times. Could the timing be any worse? Today is Joe’s last job, which means I have to stay close, but I also have to get to Lugner’s office at some point. I feel a whole host of butterflies take flight in my stomach. Today is the day for Joe. Today he finds out who Deedy really is, that he has been doing temp jobs for God. Today he gets welcomed into Heaven. Today he will reunite with loved ones. It really is a big day, and instead of being totally excited for Joe and looking forward to being there for all his discoveries, I am worried about getting into Lugner’s office without having to run off and save Joe from some terrible fate.
When I get to Joe’s I meet him outside. He looks a bit nervous too. I remember my last job, which was at a day care center. That was terrifying to me. Joe looks cool as a cucumber comparatively as he walks up to me and says, “Ready for some news?”
“Sure,” I say, with unfelt cheerfulness. “What’s up?”
“Today I start a new job!” he says.
“I heard something about that, through the grapevine. So where to this morning?”
“Davis, Morgan, and Lugner.”
I look at him and probably go just a little pale. “Seriously?”
“Very. Deedy says this one is going to a big one. I figure since you have been inside, you may be able to tell me why.”
“I can’t think of anything, except for Suzy who is a giant bitch, but other than that…I don’t know,” I answer. “However, this seems like a bit of a coincidence.”
“Yeah, you were just in there a couple days ago, now I’m on my way in too,” Joe says casually.
“It is a bigger coincidence than that, Joe,” I say. Now my nerves are showing worse than Joe’s.
“Why?” he asks.
“Because I am on my way back there today. I have an appointment with,” I say, leaving out the major news for right now. How would Joe react if I told him that my best friend works there and the whole reason I was watching over Joe was so that I could find that out and see her? Maybe it’s better if he just doesn’t know. Especially not today.
“That’s great news!” Joe exclaims. “At least I will know someone there today!” He actually gets a little bounce in his step and starts to walk faster. “I’m not nearly as scared as I was!” And he actually does look a little relieved.
For a split second I stop with my obsessing of my own issue and revel just a tiny bit over the fact that I have done exactly what Deedy wanted me to do with Joe. To make him feel comfortable and safe. To give him a sense of someone having his back down here. And I had done it my own way. Not skulking around, barely hiding behind corners. I had done it by being an out in the open stalker. I laugh a bit at the thought.
However, I do wonder what could possibly happen at Davis, Morgan, and Lugner today that could be as terrifying as my experience in the day care center. Then I remember what Deedy said to me the last time I saw him, that everyone’s journey is different, and that Joe is a good person. He just needs to be reminded of that. Maybe his reminder will be a bit gentler than mine had to be.
We get to Davis, Morgan, and Lugner, and we stop in front of the door. We look at one another, and I feel tears stinging behind my eyes. Joe does not realize it yet, but we have just completed the last walk to work together in Hell. I want to grab him and give him a hug and tell him that today is going to change eternity for him, but I can’t. So instead I just take his han
d and hold it tight and say, “Good luck, Joe.”
He looks at me with a weird expression, as if to say “What is wrong with you?” but instead he says “Good luck to you too, Louise.” And gives my hand a squeeze before releasing it.
We open the doors and walk through them together. I immediately scan the room for Linda but don’t see her. Suzy is glaring at Joe. He introduces himself, and she dismisses him to the conference room where one of his co-workers will explain to him how to highlight the dates of meetings in every single one of their files. Ugh. Sounds like busy work to me. Also sounds so tedious that I would rather get into an Ipecac drinking contest than to have to do that all day. I do wonder if the co-worker he is about to meet is Linda, but I don’t have time to sneak in there with him and check. Because Suzy bores down on me the second he is gone.
“I assume you have an appointment,” she says.
“Of course I do,” I say, even though I didn’t exactly make a real actual appointment. “He’s expecting me.” I do think that is true.
She goes back into his office and comes out. “Fine. You may go in. He will see you now.” Then she turns back to her desk and keeps on doing whatever it is she does all day. My guess is eating puppies and designing houses made out of candy.
I walk casually into Lugner’s office. “Hello again, Mr. Lugner,” I say, kind of formally.
“Hello, Louise, I am so glad you returned. I just want you to know how very much I am looking forward to our working together,” he says with his amazing smile shining brightly.
“Yes, well…about that,” I say. “I don’t think we will be working together.”
“Excuse me?” He looks confused.
I start speaking very quickly, because I have to get it out before I lose my nerve, or my will. “I can’t do it. As much as I would love to spare Linda even a moment of this pain and torment, I simply can’t. Because it is not my journey. I have no right to take away her experiences for my own personal comfort or gain. And yes, she may get lost, and it may take years...but we will meet again someday, on the other side. And why should she follow me? If she does, all she will see is my back. She has to have her own chance to meet Deedy, and to have a guardian angel, and to have a last job like Joe. I can’t do it. She is here because she felt she needed to be here. She has to take her own path. And if I love her, I will let her.” I stop and take a deep breath. I feel so much better now that it is out.
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