The Clearing

by Heather Davis

  Henry's mind whirled. "What are you saying?"

  "I don't know if it's right to tel you about what happens in the future—your future that is, or what—but I know Robert survived," Amy said.

  "Seriously, Henry."

  He closed his eyes. "How do you know Robert survived?" he said, barely able to form the words.

  "I found it in an old newspaper article. At Normandy, he was captured by the German army. He wasn't kil ed. He lived to be an old man.

  Look!" She thrust a piece of paper at Henry.

  Henry didn't take the paper from Amy. He couldn't look at it. He didn't know what to think—whether to be happy or to be angry. He thought of his brother walking up the drive, his duffle bag on his shoulder, and his mother running to meet him with tears streaming down her face. He thought of fishing at the creek with Robert, of talking with him about life and girls. Of hiking up to the old mine and hunting for soapstone to carve. There were so many things he missed about his brother. Joy and loneliness flooded him. And fear. Stil the fear.

  "I wish you hadn't told me this," Henry said, after a moment.

  Amy's face reddened and she set the paper between them on the bench. "Why wouldn't you want to know that your brother didn't die?" she said, matching his angry tone.

  "So Robert lives. Does that mean my mother doesn't take the pil s when she gets the telegram?" Henry said. "Does that mean she doesn't die?"

  "You don't know that she dies! You know that she slipped into a coma. That's not the same thing, Henry. And what if you told her the telegram was a mistake? What if you told her that Robert is alive?"

  "And expect her to believe that the U.S. government was wrong? Why would she believe me? She would be heading for that jar of pil s just the same. You don't know how she is."

  "So, maybe she won't believe you at first, but maybe it gives her hope. Hope enough to hang on until the army finds out its mistake and Robert comes home to her, to al of you."

  "Hope left her long ago," he said.

  "And did it leave you, too?"

  Henry got up from the bench and went to lean on the railing of the porch.

  Amy fol owed, taking a place beside him. "Don't you think you deserve to live more of a life than just this summer?"

  "Amy, I can't take the chance that Mother wil hurt herself."

  "And that you'l go into the service," she replied softly. "If time goes forward, you'l be off to war like Robert."

  Henry's heart stil ed. "What's that got to do with it? You want me to ship out?"

  "No, of course not! Mae lost her love, Joe Hansen, in the war. She's stil sad after al these years. You think I want that? To lose you like she lost her Joe and never love again?"

  "I don't know anything about Joe Hansen and your auntie. Why are you—wel —what's the big idea with al of this, anyway? I thought you cared about me, and now you're tel ing me to move on. The other night, you told me you didn't want me to go."

  Amy's eyes darkened. "There's no big idea. I thought you needed to know that Robert was alive. Since I found out, I felt dishonest carrying that truth around. When you care about someone, you don't lie to them. That's not love."

  "You know al about that, huh?" he said, in a harsher tone than he meant.

  What was left of her composure crumbled.

  The sight of tears wel ing in Amy's eyes made Henry feel like a heel. "Look, can't you just let me alone now?" he said. "You told me what you had to get off your chest, and now you're free." He turned away, unable to look at her anymore. He didn't want to think about what she'd told him, how she wanted him to go on without her.

  "I thought you'd want to know," Amy repeated, her words ragged.

  Henry let out a deep breath. "It doesn't change anything for me. Not a thing."

  "But it could," Amy said. "Your mother deserves to know he's okay."

  "I'm not going to let anything happen to her, to this," he said, gesturing to the farm. "You go on home." Coldness crept into his voice, and he hated himself for it.

  "Look, Henry, wil you at least understand that I'm not tel ing you this because I want you to leave me," Amy said, moving toward the porch stairs. "I had to tel you."

  "Go on to your sunny, bright future," Henry said in a quiet voice. "I won't be there." He didn't look up, but he heard Amy sobbing as she ran down the porch and into the night. Her sudden absence was like a slap in the face, and Henry took it gladly.

  He knew in his heart he deserved it.

  ***

  His coffee was cold when Henry returned to his place at the kitchen table.

  "What'd you do to that sweet girl to make her run off like that?" Grandpa said, setting down his cup.

  "Nothing," Henry said. The lie flushed his cheeks.

  "Hogwash."

  Henry kept his eyes on his coffee cup. "Al right, she's sore at me. It's not a mountain, it's a molehil ," he said.

  "That girl cares for you," Grandpa said. "I didn't raise you to be cal ous."

  "I wasn't being cal ous. We've had a misunderstanding, that's al ." He took a sip of coffee, hoping that was the end of the conversation. But Grandpa kept on.

  "Son, I haven't seen you that starry-eyed over a girl in ages. Why would you treat your sweetheart that way?"

  "She's not my sweetheart," Henry said, adding anymore in his mind.

  "Hogwash," Grandpa said again. "You love that girl, and she's fool enough to love you back."

  Henry glanced up at Grandpa, considering his words. Maybe he did love Amy. Maybe that's why this hurt so darn bad. The thought of never seeing her again burned an angry fire inside of him. "Wel , she's through with me," he muttered.

  "Son, I heard some of what the girl said."

  Henry swal owed another sip of coffee, avoiding his grandfather's stare.

  "Were you fighting about your brother? She said something about him. How does she know your brother?"

  "Amy doesn't know Robert. She just thinks she does," Henry said. He rubbed the back of his neck, trying to ease the headache he felt forming.

  "I heard her say he's alive," Grandpa said, his eyebrows drawing together. "What would she mean by that?"

  "She's making conversation. Of course he's alive," Henry replied.

  "Actual y, we don't know that," Grandpa said. "We don't know anything for certain about the operation over there. The men and even some of the women nurses lose their lives every day. That's the evil of war, son. It costs human lives."

  "As far as I'm concerned, he's alive and wel and fighting alongside the other brave men." Henry's voice was icy.

  "Why are you talking about your brother?" Mother stood in the doorway, dressed in her pink dressing gown. Her eyes were red and bloodshot, her hands shaky as she steadied herself against the jamb. "Has something happened?"

  "No, Mother," Henry said. "Come have a seat."

  "Thank you, no. I'l stand," she said.

  "Don't be sil y, Alma. Take a chair," Grandpa said, getting up and escorting her to the table. "Let me get you a drink of water."

  Henry and his mother sat in silence, looking at each other across the table for a moment, and then Grandpa returned with the glass. Mother took it from Grandpa and paused. Henry watched her pat her robe pocket, probably searching for her pil bottle. She came up with a handkerchief and Henry relaxed in his chair.

  Mother wiped her eyes and then drank some of the water. "I want to know what is happening to us," she said, turning to Henry. "I want to know why I can't go down the road. I want to know why we always seem to have enough to eat, but I never ride into town for supplies. I want to know why I never get any letters from Robert—or anyone else, for that matter. It's as if I've been sleepwalking through life. The more I thought about it, sitting in the quiet by myself today, the more I started to wonder about al these peculiar things, Henry. Can you explain it to me? Or am I going as plum crazy as I feel?"

  Grandpa took his seat at the table. "You're not crazy, Alma. Sometimes, I swear I must be doing the same thing every day. I
know every checker move Henry ever played. Everything seems familiar, from the way my carrots grow in the garden, to the direction my pipe smoke curls every night."

  Henry felt panic rising inside him and a sick, strange feeling starting in his stomach.

  "Wil you please help us understand?" Mother asked. "I want to know, son. I need to know the truth. You seem to be the only one who knows what that is."

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  Without meaning to, I slammed the back door of the trailer. The theme of the nightly news show was playing loudly from the living room. I jammed my heavy coat onto the rack and kicked off my boots. Rain dripped from my hair down the back of my neck, and my dress felt heavy on my skin. I had to get out of it. Wanted to rip the pins from my hair and smear this damn lipstick off my mouth.

  Katie whined from her dog bed, then got up and ran over to me, sniffing.

  "Down, girl," I said, pushing her off me. "Leave me alone."

  Mae woke from her deep sleep in her recliner. "What? What's happening?"

  "Nothing," I lied, breaking the promise I'd made to Mae only hours before. I went to the bathroom and plucked out tissues. I squished makeup remover on them, rubbed the scarlet stain from my lips, and then went to work on my mascara. It was halfway down my face, anyway—half from the rain and half from Henry. He didn't want me there. Hadn't been glad I'd told him about Robert. Hadn't done anything I expected.

  I wet a washcloth and scrubbed my face, trying to keep from crying more over some dumb guy from decades ago. I patted dry with a towel and then pul ed the pins from my hair, dropping them into the drawer one by one. In my room, I stepped out of the dress, leaving it in a circle on the floor. It was good to throw on a T-shirt and sweatpants, and when I appraised myself in the mirror, blotchy face, reddened eyes, and hair hanging down like normal, I felt better.

  Here was the real me. I wasn't some girl in 1944. I was just me in a trailer now. And that was al I was. I didn't have a boyfriend from the past.

  I didn't have anyone who could hurt me. Anyone who could make me believe it was okay to trust them and then throw me away.

  "Sweetie, what's going on?" Mae said from her chair as I came back into the living room.

  "I'm done with the clearing," I said.

  "You're done with the ghost of Henry Briggs?" she said with a knowing look.

  "He's not a ... oh, never mind," I said. I went into the kitchen and fired up the teakettle. Maybe he was just a ghost. Maybe that was truly why he didn't want to cross over to my side or even finish living his own life. Weren't you a ghost if you were afraid to move on?

  Mae lumbered into the kitchen. "You want to talk about it?" she asked.

  I rummaged in the cabinet for tea. "No, Mae. I don't think so."

  "You say that, but I don't believe you. Talk to me."

  I looked at her sitting there at the table. It was like seeing her for the first time. This big, gray old woman who was wil ing to believe my crazy story about ghosts in the back field. This lady who had taken me in and done her best to give me space. This aunt who talked more with me than my own mother had. Or at least she tried to talk with me, when I wasn't running off to chase some fantasy in the mist.

  "Oh, sweetie," she said.

  Tears streamed down my face. "He sent me away," I said. "He didn't want to hear the truth, and he sent me away."

  "Come here," Mae said. She stood up and opened her arms. "Come here, baby."

  I let her hug me. I let her hold me while I cried. We both ignored the whistling teakettle until Katie started barking at the noise.

  Mae sat me down in a chair and went to make the tea. "I'm so sorry you had to go through that," she said a moment later, setting a cup in front of me.

  I swiped at my eyes with the sleeves of my sweatshirt.

  "Now then, tea makes everything better, remember?" Mae said.

  And then she sat there with me, sipping from her cup of chamomile while I told her everything. Everything about stupid Matt Parker.

  Everything about stupid Henry Briggs.

  She didn't say anything. She just let me talk. And when I'd cried for, like, the tenth time—when I was al cried out—she hugged me again and kissed me on the head.

  "No boy ever makes you special. You just are." She pul ed away from the hug to look me in the eyes. "Understand?"

  I nodded. I wasn't sure I did understand. But I felt so much love for Mae in that moment, it was a good lie.

  ***

  A week went by. I didn't go beyond the woodlot. Though I could see it, I avoided the misty field. I went to school. I did my homework. I tried to look forward to the dance. As Mae reminded me, this day was al I had. Each day was al anyone ever had for sure, so I had to enjoy it. I forced myself at first.

  I tried not to think about Henry. Tried not to see his handsome face when I closed my eyes. Tried not to imagine his arms wrapped around me. It just made me sad.

  And then I decided I had to make forgetting about Henry easier. So one day after school, I took Katie-dog for a walk down the outer road Mae had told me about. Sure enough, we never came to the mist-fil ed clearing going this way. We wandered down the potholed, graveled lane for half a mile or so and then came to an overgrown driveway—the forgotten entrance to the farmhouse Mae's father had bought from Robert Briggs.

  I walked in the tire ruts, flanked by overgrown grass, with Katie whining as she trotted alongside me. Just beyond some withered hydrangea bushes, stacks of blackened bricks stil held the rough shape of a crumbled chimney. The rain stung my cheeks as I pul ed back my hood to take a better look. Flagstones and charred wood were heaped in smal piles, remnants of the fire that had happened years ago. Just as I had seen in Mae's old photograph, Henry's beautiful farmhouse lay in ruins.

  As if on autopilot, I walked to the backyard, to the apple tree I'd stood beneath with Henry so many times. Instead of the lovely fruit-fil ed beacon of Henry's world, I found a twisted, old tree, lonely and hunched against the rain. Crushed, rotting fruit littered the ground, squishing under my boots. My eyes fil ed with tears as I pul ed Henry's monogrammed handkerchief from my pocket and tied it to one of the gnarled, leafless branches.

  "C'mon, Katie-dog. There's nothing for us here." I made my way through the decomposing apples to the path but couldn't resist a last look over my shoulder at the tree. The hankie stood out like a white flag of surrender on a dark, mossy landscape.

  Fighting another wave of sadness, I hurried down the overgrown driveway. I wish I could say it didn't hurt to see what the magical farm had become, what the reality of Henry's world real y was. But it did hurt.

  And it felt like the hurt was necessary.

  About a week later, when thoughts of Henry crossed my mind, I told myself he'd probably forgotten al about me. Another week passed, and I told myself I was a distant memory to him, a summer day that had flashed by like so many before, so long ago that he maybe even wondered if I'd ever happened.

  And I'd become the ghost. Only I'd disappeared forever.

  ***

  "Oh dear, he'l be here any minute. I want to get some pictures before you go." Mae shuffled slowly out of my room, leaving me to finish pinning my hair that Friday night.

  I pursed my lips and applied a layer of red to top off the look. Stepping back from the mirror, I scratched the back of one of my ankles with the opposite foot. Though Mae's old pumps were slightly big, I was standing tal er—and feeling al right, considering. It felt odd to have the burgundy dress on again, the dress I'd been wearing when Henry had kissed me for the first time. It felt heavy on my skin, like it was carrying the weight of my broken heart. But I was over that now. It was just another dress. And this was just another dance.

  "The forties look real y suits you," Mae said, coming back into the room. She was breathing heavily with the effort of hurrying. "But, sweetie, you need some jewelry. I want you to try these pearls." She held out a box containing a beautiful necklace and matching earrings.

  "Mae, sit down and r
est, okay? You've real y been pushing yourself today," I said.

  "Aw, not more than usual," she said, taking a place on the edge of my bed. "Al righty, let's see them on."

  "'Kay." I fastened the necklace around my neck, and then I slipped on the matching clip-on earrings. The pearls shone bril iantly in the light. I had to admit they looked great. "What do you think?"

  "I think they're yours," Mae said with a smile. "I want you to have them."

  "Oh, Mae. You don't have to give them to me. I'l just borrow them."

  "No, no. I've enjoyed them for many years, but I think it's time I handed them down to you. They were a gift from my father."

  "Thank you." I gave Mae a big hug and reappraised myself in the mirror. With the pearls, the dark red dress looked just right. I couldn't help thinking that Henry would have loved to see this—me al done up in 1940s clothes for the last time.

  "You look so beautiful." Mae gave a wistful sigh as she clicked a photo. "I'm going to send these snapshots to your mom and Pete. They'l be thril ed to see you al dressed up and happy."

  Happy? I didn't correct Mae. I just gave my hair a last pat and checked my teeth for lipstick.

  Mae raised herself to her feet and came over to stand behind me in the mirror. "I hear Jackson's truck in the driveway. You're going to have a lovely time with him."

  "Yeah," I said, but my voice must have betrayed my doubts.

  Mae smiled at me in the mirror. "Come on now. None of that, sweetie. He's a good kid."

  "I'd rather just stay home with you," I said.

  "Stay home with an old woman instead of having fun at the dance? You might as wel enjoy being young."

  I turned to reply and she snapped another photo. "Geez, Mae!" I went to let Jackson in, the flash stil blinding me.

  I opened the door and sucked in a breath. Jackson stood on the doorstep, an uncertain look in his eyes and a corsage in his hands. His vintage U.S. Navy outfit was dazzling white. "Hi," I said.