quintessence.

by Buhl, Sarah

  “You said us,” she said.

  “Yes, I said us. Us—those that know it all could end in a moment, so you don’t worry about the crap thrown at you. You live because that’s what we’re supposed to do.”

  She smiled up at me as feedback resounded from the stage. We both looked to see what was going on. I put my arm around her waist and she leaned into my shoulder more.

  Conall, Brecken’s nephew and my friend, took the stage and accepted the microphone from one of his band mates.

  “Good afternoon, everyone. I’m glad to see all of you here on a Tuesday. As we all know, Blake and my Aunt Brecken will be on their way here in a bit. So in the meantime, I’m just going to sing some songs.”

  I let go of Margaret’s waist to clap; then I turned to her and offered her my hand. She took it and as Conall sang a soft, slow song, we danced.

  “This is an easy start. Good choice for a song to dance to,” she said, putting her hands around my neck.

  “I figured it’d be a good warm-up. Pinch my side if you catch me staring at the wall over your shoulder in embarrassment though,” I said.

  She laughed. “That’s funny. I will definitely pinch you. It is a good warm up though. By the end of the night, I hope to do a tango,” she said with a crooked smile that she tried to keep straight.

  “Oh definitely, but just so you know, it’s been years for me. The last time I did ballroom dancing was with my grandma at the Park District Rec Center when I was ten.”

  She slapped my shoulder. “I was kidding! You can’t, can you?” she asked with a smile.

  I nodded with a proud expression. “You’d be surprised Margaret Presley. You’d be very surprised.”

  __________

  “Congratulations, man,” I said, hugging Blake.

  “Thanks,” Blake said with a huge smile on his face. “It’s surreal, but it’s awesome you know. She’s perfect.”

  He watched Brecken as she spoke with friends and family. They both looked happy.

  “I’m happy for you. I knew it when I first saw you two together. It just made sense. But, just remember it will always be my rear she saw first,” I deadpanned.

  Blake laughed.

  “You’re something else, man. How’s the house?” he asked.

  “It’s good. I have a few things I want to do outside of it, and I’m thinking of putting stairs up to the loft instead of the ladder. I just have to extend the wall, but I think I can do that and keep it structurally sound,” I said.

  He nodded. “Yeah, that shouldn’t be too hard. So, I should ask again—what’s going on with you and Maggie?”

  I smiled as I found her in the crowd. Brecken had stopped to speak with her. “There is more going on than anything I’ve ever had going on, but then in the sense you’re thinking, there is nothing going on.”

  Blake shook his head. “You’re everywhere in conversations, man. But, that’s what I love about you. You guys. You should hear Mason talking about some chick. It’s crazy. You’re all a bunch of deep mumbo jumbo guys. But if that’s what it takes, I understand. I’m just not like that. But, I like what you said. With Maggie, being the cousin of my best friend’s wife, I hope your intentions are pure.”

  He stood with pride and tried to hold in his laugh.

  “Nah, I’m kidding. It’s not like I have any place to say anything,” he said. “As a close friend, I should speak with Maggie to make sure her intentions are pure with you. Not to mention whatever happened with her and Toby. He’s my friend, too. I hope he isn’t going to be pissed,” Blake said with a tight lipped smile.

  “I spoke with him the other day. I didn’t talk about Margaret; it was other stuff. But, she needs to focus on her right now and not worry about men,” I said.

  “You’re too adult about everything. You’re this contrasting, strange, person. I’m kind of envious of you, dude. You’re the most adult person I know—you seem older than Brecken even. Don’t tell her I said that,” he said as he finished his beer. “But anyway, you still have this innocent child-like quality. It’s awesome. I am like a teenager that wants to always have fun, but you’re like this kid that still looks at the world with wonder.”

  I laughed. “How much have you had to drink, Blake?”

  “Quite a bit, so yeah. But you’re amazing, man.”

  “You always say you aren’t a mumbo jumbo guy, but Blake, I believe you are one of the best.”

  He laughed. “Only because I hang out with you,” he said as he put his arm around my neck.

  “Okay, we’re going to take a short break,” Conall said from the stage. “Let’s listen to some of Blake’s favorites. He said this is what to play during breaks.”

  A Michael Franti song played over the speakers and Blake yelled.

  “Oh holy shit, I need to find Brecken.”

  Blake started toward the dance floor and Brecken met him just off it. I smiled as I watched them. I’d never seen them happier.

  “Hey,” Margaret said as she leaned toward my shoulder and kissed my ear. “Come on, dance with me.”

  I took her hand and did a slight bow, just so I could see her laugh. She put her hands in the air and did a roll of her shoulders as she did a funny step forward and back to the slow reggae flow of the song. She was having fun, and I loved seeing her smile instead of the sad expression she had a few weeks ago. I knew she’d take this with ease. It was difficult, but she’d take it and with her determination, she’d turn it into something beautiful.

  I pulled her in close to me and she moved with fluidity to the song. She knew the words and began to sing them to me. I understood why this was a favorite of Blake’s now.

  She moved with joy, peace, and freedom. It was amazing to watch. She let go of me and joined Brecken for part of the song. The two of them laughed as they sang the words together. She only remained with Brecken briefly before turning to me. She grabbed my hand and danced around me. She laughed freely.

  The song slowly quieted, and Conall spoke into the microphone. “Okay, we’re back. I hope I can do this song justice.” He nodded to those of us on the dance floor and began a song I was unfamiliar with. Conall strummed the guitar for a few measures before the drums kicked in and he sang.

  She put her back against me and continued to roll her shoulders as she put my hands on her hips. I stood still as she swayed in front of me. Her shoulders lifted with her breaths every so often and I saw that she was truly feeling the lyrics to the song. She turned to face me and kept her eyes to mine as she ran her hands down my arms and intertwined our hands together. We stood that way and both felt the lyrics to that song.

  She looked up at me and touched the side of my cheek before giving me our usual chaste, but deep, kiss. I wanted more, god did I want more than that. The music and her touch tumbled my boxes and memories into a place of understanding. She reminded me that I was here. But I needed her to just get through tomorrow and figure out where she needed to be in her life.

  “Please kiss me, Karl. Please really kiss me,” she said, keeping her lips pressed to mine. I closed my eyes on an inhale.

  I rested my forehead on hers and she placed both her hands on my face and held me tight enough that it felt like she’d rip my beard from my face. She almost climbed up me. She kissed around my lips and then stopped when she felt my movements.

  One hand went to her throat, my thumb traced her neck, and my fingers wrapped along her ear as the other pushed her hair out of her face. I tilted her head back and kissed her chin before I brought my lips back to hers.

  I gave her what she needed. I kissed her. As I kissed her, the pieces of thoughts I had gathered now formed into the picture of our future together. Every box I had ever made. Every dark point in my past faded. They connected. They were no longer separated, but they formed a mass of lives and moments that formed a clarity I never knew existed. I know it sounds as if I had some kind of euphoric awakening but I did. She and I were forming something so deep, I didn’t know if I’d be able to
pull myself away from her. I could stay right there with her on that dance floor and the song could change over a thousand times, and I’d never know the tune. Because there was one tune and one dance—us.

  25

  Maggie

  Fall four years ago

  “This was it.” I thought as I stepped from my parents’ car and into my future. I would go to school and I’d get my degree as fast as I could. I wouldn’t mess around in college. I would not be one of those students that spent her time planning parties. I was there to learn and to learn fast.

  “Thank you, Mom. I’ll call Dad when I’m finished today. My car should be done tomorrow,” I said as I leaned in the passenger window.

  “Okay, I’m proud of you honey. You’ve always made it so easy to be your parent. You never needed me. You always had your plan and knew what you’d do. I swear you haven’t needed me since you were five,” my mom said.

  “I still need you, Mom. I’m just self-sufficient. I’ve got this. I will go in there and get shit done.”

  She rolled her eyes at me. “You’ve been around your cousin too much. You need to stop with the swearing. You think they’ll like that at the job you want?”

  “Mom, as long as I can do my job well, I don’t think they will care what the fuck vocabulary I use.”

  “If you say so. Have fun,” she said as someone honked behind her to get her to move.

  I turned from the car and walked the sidewalk toward the building.

  I grew nervous the closer I got, but I pushed that nervousness down and used it. This is just a stepping stone. This place is just where I needed to be before I move on with my life.

  Then I saw him, the guy who had helped with the tour my parents and I took of the campus. I remembered his name was Toby and he couldn’t look at me. I would speak to him, and he’d just look past my ear when he spoke.

  I walked toward him and he saw me and turned his head away as if he didn’t want to see me. It made me smile.

  “Hi. Toby, right?” I asked.

  He turned to face me and pulled his lip in with a tight smile, his hands gripping his backpack.

  “Yeah, um, Maggie?” he asked and looked down at me. He stood about ten inches taller than me. He was thin in just the right way. He didn’t have muscles, but he wasn’t a stick either. He wore a smaller tee shirt that had a band’s name on it I wasn’t familiar with. His pants were baggy, and he put his hand in his pocket and pulled his phone out, checking the time.

  “Yes, I’m Maggie. You gave a tour for my parents and me. Sorry my mom kept asking you about security and my dad wouldn’t shut up about the pool hall down the street.”

  Toby laughed, and he allowed himself to meet my eyes. He smiled at me and it made my heart melt. He was so sweet.

  “What are you doing later, Toby?” I asked. I never asked guys out. They always asked me out. But there was something about him that made me feel comfortable. His smile and his mannerism were fun despite his shyness.

  His smile curved to the side as if he thought I was teasing him. “Seriously?”

  “Yes, seriously, you’re a unique person.” I smiled at him and tilted my head—hoping it would relax him.

  “I guess you can say I am. I’m not doing much later. I’m just going to go work on some different tracks.”

  “Tracks?” I asked.

  “Yeah, I DJ sometimes. Well, just for myself—I haven’t built up the nerve to go in front of people with it yet. I’m kind of shy, if you haven’t noticed. Fuck, I don’t know why I’m telling you that,” he said as he ran his hands through his hair in frustration. “I can’t believe I just dropped an f-bomb. Anyway, I would love to hang out if you were asking to hang out—unless you were asking just because you were being polite. Either way, I would like to hang out with you sometime.”

  I smiled. “Well, I was asking because I wanted to hang out. And, I’d be interested in hearing your work sometime too. But, we could just go get coffee?” I asked.

  “Yeah, that’d be cool. Are you heading to your first class?” he asked.

  “Yes I am.”

  “I’ll walk with you,” he said with a shy smile.

  “I’d like that,” I said as we started on our way to the building.

  __________

  Winter four years ago

  “So, you’re dating a guy that is shy and doesn’t take the lead on anything?” Lily asked.

  Hannah laughed. “It sounds like you two are perfect for each other. Maggie and her type 'A' personality planning can tell him what to do. I don’t understand why you think that’d be a problem, Lily,” Hannah said.

  “Because, I don’t think she should be with someone who just listens to whatever she says. Why would you want that?” Lily asked.

  “Why not? It sounds like it would be easier,” Hannah said.

  “Hannah, we all know that’s a crock coming from you. Look at the guy you dated for two years. He followed you around like a puppy and couldn’t wait to make you happy. But you got rid of him,” I said.

  “Yeah, I know, I know. But that’s why I needed to end it. I needed to expand my horizons while I’m still young,” Hannah said, running her hand through her long hair.

  “You’re such a ho-bag, Hannah. That’s what I will call you, ho-bag Hannah,” Lily said with a laugh.

  Hannah threw a pillow at her sister and jumped on her bed and pulled her into a headlock. “I’m not afraid to use this,” Hannah said and showed her fist to her sister, who laughed.

  Those two always made me laugh with their constant bickering. It was nice when they bickered and didn’t just fold into themselves. Since they were kids, they both had a shadow following them they tried to keep at bay. Hannah was better at hiding from it than Lily. I loved them both the same. They were my life, and I’d do anything for them.

  __________

  Spring three years ago

  I sat in my bedroom with Hannah and tried to make her feel better. No one knew why Lily did it. Hannah blamed herself. We were now two as our triad was demolished.

  I hated Lily for doing it. I hated that she left us without a word and left me to pick up the pieces of her sister. Hannah broke from the pain. She became a shell of herself and I didn’t know what hurt worse—the loss of Lily or Hannah.

  I lost both of them.

  I did what I had to do. Day and night I stayed with Hannah. I stayed by her side and made sure she ate. I tried to keep her here with me, but I saw her drifting further and further into herself.

  But I made damn sure I was there to help her any time she needed me.

  Her parents weren’t there for her, and she needed my parents and me. It was that simple. Our days were measured by the tears that fell and the breaths that Hannah let out.

  Until one day she became a different version of herself. She left the house, but there was something more distant about her. She was there with me, but she wasn’t there. She allowed herself to show on occasion. She would laugh, and then as if she thought it wrong to feel joy, she’d shut her laughter off. I felt that way too. For a long while, it hurt to feel happiness.

  __________

  Summer two years ago

  “Okay, now Toby, you need to remember to speak to my parents when we are at their house today.” I laughed, packing his swim trunks in his bag for our trip to my parents’ lake house.

  “I know this, Maggie. It’s just weird to be sleeping in the same bed in the same room, under their roof. It kind of makes me feel weird having your dad know that I’m sleeping with his daughter,” he said as he pulled some clothes from his drawer.

  “Toby, why would my dad think that?”

  “Maggie, I’m a guy. Someday, when I have a daughter, I will make damn sure I think of that,” Toby said as he zipped up his bag.

  “That’s kind of gross, Toby,” I said with a laugh and he leaned down to kiss the top of my head. I liked it when it was just the two of us. He wasn’t as shy or nervous as he was with others.

  He still
had his moments when he needed to tell me something difficult for him to say. But, we had fun together, and we were comfortable. I never had to feel like I needed to explain myself to him. He understood why I needed to keep tabs on him. He didn’t see it as demanding that I was nervous when I hadn’t heard from him.

  Fear filled me the first time he didn’t respond to several of my texts.

  I had cried that night. I had told him, “I need you to answer the phone. Even if you don’t want to talk—I need you to answer and to at least tell me you’re okay.”

  I didn’t know why I became so concerned with that. But he was the one who pointed it out that day. “Maggie, you lost your cousin and your other one is having some serious issues now that her sister is gone. From what you told me of their childhood, you and your family were one of their bright spots. You’ve taken care of them long before this and I’m sure you will take care of Hannah long after. I’m sorry I didn’t respond. I understand why you have this mother hen need. It’s cute and I love it about you.” He had put his chin down and sat on the bed for several moments before he lifted his head and smiled. He rubbed his thumb to his fingers over and again, and on a deep exhale said, “I love you, Maggie. I always have since that first day your mom made me uncomfortable, and you tried to make me feel better by making jokes. I loved you even then.”

  I had smiled at him, and knew I loved him too.

  He helped me and he understood my quirks and I loved him.

  Spring last year

  “It’s perfect,” I said as Toby grabbed my hand and twirled me in the living room of my new apartment. “The living room has wood floors, and the kitchen has checkered floor tiles. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.” My smile grew as he stopped my turn to face him.

  “It is perfect, I agree. Plus, we’re closer now,” he said as he pulled me near him. I stood on my tiptoes and kissed his chin. “I love you, Maggie.”

  “I love you, too.” I jumped up and wrapped my arms and legs around him.

  He kissed me with the passion I knew he hid under his soft exterior. We would fight over his shyness and my need to be in control in all things. But when we met like this, we were always at the same level. He didn’t have a problem taking control with this and I never had a problem relinquishing to him when we made love.