quintessence.

by Buhl, Sarah

  He lifted my hair out of the back of the shirt and then leaned down and kissed my neck. It felt natural, pure, and genuine. There was tenderness in it, and a lingering, gentle passion. It was a soothing passion that didn’t feel rushed or needy.

  “You just gave me my healing for this. The wound was the stress of the event itself—the uncertainty and fear that held the wound. But you being here, helping me, was the healing.”

  He closed his eyes and tilted his head to the ceiling. He ran his hands up my arms and then back down them.

  “It’s a healing for me, too.” He smiled and put his hand toward me to take.

  “Let’s go face my family, shall we?” I asked.

  We walked down the hallway in silence. When we reached the waiting room, only my father remained.

  “Toby and Gabe are waiting outside. Your mom is in the bathroom.”

  “How was he—Toby?” I asked.

  “He’s okay. I spoke to him. Karl, can you give my daughter and me a moment, please?” my dad asked with a smile.

  “I’ll go start the car,” Karl said, squeezing my hand before stepping outside. I didn’t envy him—going out there to face Toby. But, knowing what I knew of Karl, he’d not have an issue with it.

  “How’re you doing, Maggie?” my dad asked.

  “I’m okay. There’s a little headache lingering. I just want to get home and lie down for the rest of the day.”

  “I know you do. That’s why I wanted to talk to you. If this is too much now that Toby is here and you want me to get all fatherly and grab a shotgun and send one or both of them on their way, I can do that.” He gave me a serious, pointed expression. It didn’t suit my dad.

  I laughed. “Dad, I’m not sure how I’d feel about you holding a shotgun. I imagine I’d be more worried about you hurting yourself than anyone else. But no, I’m okay. I will tell Toby I need to talk to him later. I will do today what I planned to do. I’m going home. I will lie down and watch movies.”

  “Do you want your mom and I to come by?” he asked.

  “No, that’s okay. I will just have Karl take me home. I need to just mellow out.”

  “He does that for you, doesn’t he?” my dad asked as he picked his coat up from the chair behind him and put it on.

  “Yes, he does. He makes me feel like I can move slower in life and still move forward. I’m in this place where I’m okay with whatever happens.”

  He smiled and put his arm around me. “I’m happy to hear that.”

  “Happy to hear what?” my mom said, walking up behind me.

  “Oh just that I’m happy to hear that she is doing okay,” my dad said.

  “You ready?” I asked my mom.

  “Yes, do you want us to take you home now?” she asked me.

  “Nope, I’m good. Karl’s waiting for me. I need to at least say hello to Toby,” I said, looking at the tinted window. I tried to plan out the conversation in my head. I didn’t know what to say to him.

  “He’s here because he’s concerned about you. You don’t have to say anything except thank you,” my mom said. She put her hand on the side of my face and kissed my forehead. “I’m proud of you. You’re inspiring.”

  I laughed. “I did nothing. I just laid there.”

  “I know, honey. But you did so much more. You’re so mature and handling this in stride. That’s kind of heartbreaking.”

  I laughed. “Mom, I’m doing what I can. I’m more focused on walking across the room without my foot getting lazy and dragging than I am about being an inspiration. I just want to make it through each moment without breaking down. I want to make it through this shit without losing my mind.”

  “Well, I don’t think having a love triangle will help with keeping your sanity through this. The doctor said you should try to reduce stress right now,” my mom said.

  “Mom, I’m not stressed by this. I know what I want.”

  She nodded and gave me a pitying smile as we walked out the door. Karl leaned against his car as he spoke with Toby and Gabe.

  They were all laughing. When they saw me coming, Gabe walked toward me and wrapped me in a hug.

  “I’m sorry. He called to talk again, and he was on his way home. He said he tried to reach you. He asked too many questions and I couldn’t keep it from him. He’s my friend too, just like you are.”

  “I know, Gabe. It’s okay.” I kissed his cheek and let him go.

  Toby walked toward me and he gave me the smile he always did. It was shy, and it was sweet. Seeing him reminded me of how young I was before. He and I were in love at one time. Then, when he leaned down to kiss me, I remembered why I had loved him. He made me feel in control and confident. But, it wasn’t from my own confidence. It came from my mother hen nature of taking care of him. I couldn’t take care of him now. I let him kiss me and then he pulled back and looked down at me.

  “I will take care of you,” Toby said. I jerked at his words that felt like he read my thoughts.

  “No,” I said. I couldn’t put my feelings into words.

  It felt wrong being held by him and kissing him. It was different now. I looked past him to Karl, who kept his eyes adverted from us.

  Toby followed my gaze. “What’s wrong?” he asked.

  “What’s wrong? I’ve been going through tests for the last few months trying to figure that out. I will let you know when they give me a definite answer. For now, I need to get home and lie down.”

  “Okay, I’ll come with you,” Toby said as he turned to face Karl.

  I shook my head, but only Karl saw it

  “You can ride with us, Toby,” Karl said. I looked at him with a stunned expression. Why on earth would he suggest that?

  “Okay, thanks man. I’ll just get my things from Gabe’s car.”

  Toby walked across the parking lot and my parents waved good-bye as they walked to their car. I gave Karl a questioning glare.

  “Whoa, not sure why you’re looking at me that way, but you can’t avoid him. He’s been your boyfriend for what—four years now?”

  “Yes, but today I just need to lie down and not have any stress.”

  “I know, that’s why I’m dropping you and Toby off, and then I will go,” Karl said, not meeting my eyes.

  “What? That won’t help with my stress level,” I said with annoyance.

  “Yes, it will. I saw how you looked at him when you saw him. You still need to figure some things out. You at least need to talk to him to find the path to figure it out. I think today would be the perfect time for that—you’re supposed to stay lying down for the next twenty-four hours.” He smiled at me as if being trapped would make me more susceptible to learning.

  “Well, you guys aren’t helping with that with all this talking,” I said as I climbed in his car. He had the seat laid back for me.

  He was right. I needed to talk to Toby. He was right that today was as good of day as any. He was right that having me out of commission for twenty-four hours and at the whim of everyone else was an opportunity for others to help me.

  He was right because Karl was always right.

  I couldn’t deny it. He always seemed to know what I needed to do.

  30

  Karl

  Fall

  Her annoyance rolled off her. I didn’t want to leave her alone with Toby. It wasn’t because I didn’t trust him to take care of her. It was because I knew there was a good possibility she wouldn’t need me. She was a strong enough person not to need me. She could fall back into the swing of taking care of Toby and he now had the opportunity to take care of her. This could be what they needed in their relationship.

  It hurt to feel the pieces unwind. The thread she had pulled tight had unraveled.

  She had her shoulder pressed against the car door and faced me as we waited for Toby to return from running into a gas station. She didn’t lie all the way on her side due to the doctor telling her she needed to stay on her back or her abdomen. I glanced down at her hands and fought with myse
lf. She toyed with her hand and picked at the string on her fingerless mitten.

  I reached over and stopped her hands with mine. I interlaced our fingers and smiled at her. She gave a reluctant smile.

  “I can’t be mad about this. It’s juvenile,” she said. “I do love him; I will always love him in a way. There is a fondness with him that will be there, but I have to be honest with him and myself. What I felt with him was different. There was an unspoken understanding—yes. But it stopped at that. We reached this depth, and it was as if it wasn’t this vast ocean, but a steady pool. We could see the bottom, we could touch it. But there was only so much to explore together. It felt like home in a way.”

  I rolled my thumb across the top of her hand. Home. He felt like home to her. But sometimes, home isn’t where we need to be. Home isn’t a solid, stationary place for some of us. It never was for me. I never felt at home anywhere. My home was everywhere.

  “I don’t want to be home for you, Margaret,” I said abruptly and she gave me a sharp expression.

  “I don’t want you to be, Karl,” she responded.

  She put her other hand on top of mine, encasing it now between both of hers.

  “I just want to be. That’s what I’ve learned through all of this. I just want moments to be and not worry. I’ve given up on worrying,” she said as a tear fell.

  “You can worry; just don’t let it consume you. Sometimes worry is beneficial. It reminds us we’re human. But when it controls us, that’s when we need to remember that the human race has thumbs,” I said, rolling her thumb between my finger.

  She laughed. “Thumbs?”

  “Yes, we have thumbs. Think about how amazing they are, and just think about all the things you can do with them. That’s enough to remind anyone how awesome living is.”

  She lifted my thumb with her topmost hand and rubbed her own thumb along the side of it. Deep in thought, she traced along the sides and over my thumbnail. “They are fascinating, aren’t they?” she asked with a smile.

  “Yes, they are,” I said. Hers in particular were.

  __________

  I made myself stay in the car as I watched Toby help her up the stairs of her apartment. I needed to know that she made it in okay, and with my hand clenching the door handle, I remained in the car.

  Six years ago, I wouldn’t have just driven away. Six years ago, I would’ve told Toby he was an idiot, and he didn’t know how amazing his girlfriend was. If she was even his girlfriend anymore—she wasn’t. I understood that, she understood it, and I was sure Toby knew it.

  But, they both needed the time alone. I needed my own time now. I put the car into drive and rode out of town and toward my house. Being around others was invigorating, but there was still that time I needed—just being alone. I had to sort out my thoughts, because I had made nothing in several days. I felt empty. I needed to create in order to not feel empty. Keeping busy, building, working, I needed that. I had always been on my own, ever since I was a kid.

  It had to do with the need I always had. I had to fix everything. I noticed I was falling back into this need with Maggie. I wanted to make everything better for her. I wanted to give a blink of my eye and make life easier for her. But I knew I couldn’t do that. She had to go through this on her own, but I’d be there to hold her when she felt like she was falling.

  Toby was also, my friend—a good friend, who would not hurt anyone. I had to give him the space to figure out his life with his girlfriend.

  I drove out of town just as the snow fell. Memories occupied my thoughts of times before. When I was overseas and when I needed to make sense of it, I would think of snowfall as a kid.

  Snowfall holds a quiet peace and can silence everything. That doesn’t come with rain or even sunny days. Snow is the great drowner of sound and sorrow. The snow wasn’t heavy yet and oddly, I longed for it to just cover the ground with inches of it. No one could visit with the snow. I also needed the added luxury of it to snow me in. If I couldn’t get out of my driveway, I wouldn’t try to rush back to her.

  I was afraid of what I might do if I did.

  She had taken over me.

  She had wrapped herself around me, one determined glance at a time.

  But, she needed to want me and not because I could help her, but because she wanted me, scars and all. I didn’t know if she was as ready as I was. I’ve seen too much in life to not acknowledge that sometimes a person needs to figure things out on their own. I wanted to be there for her, but I needed her to find her own way to me.

  31

  Margaret

  Fall

  “So, how was your trip?” I asked Toby, setting my apartment keys on the hall table.

  I didn’t turn to look back to him.

  I hadn’t realized how angry I was at him until I saw him. It wasn’t his fault, I understood that. But I felt like the one moment in our relationship I had needed him, he was vacant. Even as a friend he wasn’t here. But, how was I to expect him to read my mind from hundreds of miles away, when he never understood me from the other side of the couch?

  I walked into the living room to lie down.

  “It was an amazing trip. But why didn’t you tell me?” Toby asked as I rested onto my back on the couch. He took a seat on the coffee table and leaned his arms onto his knees by my head.

  I rested my arm over my eyes. “I didn’t want you to end it too soon. You needed to do what you needed to do.”

  “Don’t you think I should’ve been the one making that decision for myself? I mean, after all that was why I took the trip in the first place,” he said with a shallow laugh.

  “You’re right.” I didn’t want to argue with him. He was right. “In all honesty—it scared me for you to come back. I didn’t know what it would mean for us,” I said, turning my head slightly to look at him.

  “What do you mean?” he asked, taking my hand. It didn’t feel as it once did.

  “I mean, when you have roles established in a relationship, how can they just change? You know, how can we move on from the past and turn it into something new?” I asked as I let go of his hand to place my arm alongside my other, above my head.

  “Why do things have to change? I’m still Toby. I’ve just learned that I can do what I need to do, on my own. I’ve learned about myself too. Something I think we both need to know is that what we’ve been and where we are now is just a beginning. We can have so much more in our lives. We just need to keep growing.” He took my hand back down and I felt nauseous. It wasn’t from him so much as it was from the headache that formed.

  “I can’t do this, Toby.”

  “I know, you have to be feeling like shit. I have some things to tell you, but it can wait. Do you want something to drink?” he asked as he stood from the table.

  “Yes, water please, and can you start up the Ya-Ya Sisterhood?” I asked.

  He looked at me and smiled, knowing it was one of my favorites.

  __________

  I woke up and it was dark out. I could hear music coming from a distance and recognized the usual sound of Toby working on his laptop. The room was lit by the screen of his computer and he hadn’t noticed me watching him.

  He nodded his head and the swift way he moved his hands around the keys to copy and cut the song he was working on was hypnotizing. I remembered why I fell in love with him in the first place—he knew himself when he did this. When he created his music, he understood who he was. Behind his computer screen and with his headphones on, he didn’t need to break out of his shell. He was full of passion when he worked on his music.

  He needed to peek out and let the rest of the world see him.

  “Are you going to watch me or do you plan on saying something?” he asked with a smile, still keeping his eyes on the computer.

  “I will say something when I feel like it,” I said, with a scratchy voice.

  “Well, I suppose some things will never change,” he said, removing his headphones. He turned and crawled across t
he floor to the couch and sat on his knees in front of me. “How’re you feeling now?”

  “Better,” I said, clearing my throat as I raised myself to a sitting position. I ran my hand through my hair and scratched my head. “Did you make coffee?” I asked.

  “Of course—that will never change. I can’t allow an empty pot of coffee—ever.”

  I stood from the couch and looked at the clock. “It’s two in the morning?” I asked.

  He turned his computer to face him to check the time. “Yep, you know what that means?” he asked with a grin.

  I shook my head. “We aren’t having sex, Toby.”

  He smiled. “I know. That’s something I wanted to talk to you about. If you’re up for it now?” he asked.

  “I just said I’m not up for it,” I said with a laugh. “Coffee.” I nodded and pointed toward my kitchen.

  “Of course,” he said, following me into the kitchen, carrying his cup with him.

  I poured my coffee and then took a seat at the table. Toby sat across from me and sipped his coffee before setting it down and crossing his arms.

  I noticed something then, that I hadn’t noticed earlier—his confidence.

  He took a deep breath before speaking, “I’ve learned a lot about myself the last few months and what I want to do in life.” He met my eyes and didn’t look away. “I need to share something with you about what happened while I was on the road.” He reached across the table and took my hand. “I met someone,” he said with a shy smile. “I met myself. I know who I am and what I need to do with my time.”

  I smiled, “I can tell a difference in you. So who is this person you met? Tell me about him.”

  “Well, I know I’m not meant to be a teacher. Well, at least a grade school teacher. I’m meant to teach people through my music. Yeah, I know it’s just mixing stuff together, but in this intermingling I realized I had a purpose. I needed to spread myself out there. But there is more,” he said with a sigh and bite to his lower lip. “I’ve not been honest with myself over the years. I’ve hidden from some things and it was a part of Petra’s palm reading I didn’t want to share before. She had said that it looked like in my love; I was on a crooked path. I didn’t know what that meant, but I know now I wasn’t being honest with myself.” He sighed and sat up straighter. He smiled at me and I saw the nervousness in him continue, but this wasn’t the same shy Toby.