The Night We Said Yes

by Gibaldi,Lauren

  “I didn’t want you to be upset with me.”

  “Meg, I’ll never be upset with you.” But I was. What else didn’t I know?

  “It’s also—I just didn’t want to admit it. I hate myself for getting into this situation, for going back to him. And it’s like . . . if I admitted it, said it aloud, it meant I was actually doing it. You know, becoming someone I hated.”

  “Don’t hate yourself; hate Jake, if anyone. You deserve better than him.” She looked sad, hopeless, and I hated seeing her like that.

  I knew why she liked him. It wasn’t just the looks or the attitude. He just looked so . . . in control so often—it was like you wanted to be in on whatever joke he was thinking about. Go on whatever adventure he schemed. But still—that was all he could give her—a fun time and a small claim to fame. Nothing substantial, nothing emotional.

  I didn’t know what to do, so I hugged her tight and felt her body shake. I knew she was crying. We’d all been there. We’d all had those moments. She didn’t have to hide from me. Her secrets washed away with her tears.

  We stayed in the car for about half an hour. Having lived in the city my whole life, I knew there was nothing to fear. The biggest danger to us was bad boyfriends, not predators who lurked in the dark. That knowledge kept me protected, and happy. Especially in times when we were too drunk to drive.

  Clucking interrupted our silence.

  “Chickens?” Meg looked at me, surprised.

  “What the— Oh wait, it’s my phone. It’s Barker.” A few days prior, Jake and Barker stole my cell phone and decided to change their ringtones to something annoying so I always knew when they were calling. Jake picked an old locomotive sound; Barker decided on clucking chickens.

  My heart skipped a beat as I pulled my phone out. Was he calling about the guys? Were they okay? Did he know anything? Why else would he be calling so late?

  “Hey Barker, is everything okay?” My body literally slackened when I heard everything was fine. Okay. Good.

  “Hey, I’m with Meg, I’ll put you on speaker.” I put my phone down and turned the speakerphone on.

  “Hey Barker,” Meg said.

  “Hey guys. So, here’s the deal. A bunch of people went over to One Spin after the party broke up, just to hang out.” One Spin Records was the only remaining local indie record shop. It still sold CDs and records, as well as books and DVDs. To make up the money they lost after iPods became cool, the manager built a stage in the back for local bands to utilize, and for touring bands to host secret shows. He also had a small recording studio put in that most local bands took advantage of. It was significantly cheaper than most other places, and added a neat authentic (as in, kind of tinny) sound to the recordings. “I guess word got around about what happened, and the manager invited all the bands to play tonight.”

  “Oh cool!” I answered, and then looked over at Meg. She wasn’t as pleased. “When?” I asked, tentatively.

  “That’s the thing. They want us on tonight. As in, right now.”

  “Right now?” I questioned.

  “Well, like in a half hour, but you know. Anyway, I wanted to let you two know. I just talked to Jake and he said he wasn’t with you all anymore. Should I ask what happened?”

  “Jake was Jake,” Meg said, her words full of venom.

  “Not surprised,” Barker groaned.

  “Yeah, um, I don’t know if we can make it,” I started. I wanted to, I did. I really wanted to see Matt again, but my allegiance was to Meg. I’d do what she wanted. I couldn’t leave her now.

  “No, no. We’ll be there. Give us half an hour. We wouldn’t miss it,” Meg said.

  I looked at her wearily, wondering why she’d want to go, why she’d want to see him again. She said she was a masochist when it came to him, but this seemed to be going too far.

  “Sweet. Okay, see you soon. Gabby’s glad you’re coming; she doesn’t want to be the only girl there. For some reason, she thinks no one else will show up. But they will.”

  “Of course they will,” I reassured Barker, although I really wasn’t sure. It was late, after all. “See you soon.”

  “Later.” I hung up the phone and stared at Meg. She knew what it meant.

  “It’s the night we said yes,” she sighed.

  “So? We don’t have to do this. Also, didn’t the game end when we all broke up?” She flinched at the words “broke up.”

  “Yeah, but I’m not turning back now.”

  “Are you sure?”

  She pushed her hair back, and then looked at me. “You like him, don’t you?”

  “Who?”

  “Matt. I saw you with him tonight. And I saw your face light up when Barker said they were playing. I’ve known you for how many years? I’ve never seen you so . . . excited . . . over a guy.”

  I didn’t know how to react. I did feel differently about him, I just didn’t know what it meant yet. It was so soon; I still barely knew him. But when we were walking, or swimming, I felt free to be who I was. I felt safe.

  “He makes me feel like me.”

  Meg smiled to herself, I’m sure remembering a time she, too, felt that way. I wondered if that was how Jake made her feel. “It’s decided, then. We’re going. And, hey, Gabby’s glad we’re coming, apparently.”

  “So I heard,” I sighed. It’s not that I didn’t like her, I did, I just still felt a bit off since finding out she knew about Nick cheating. I hated how she betrayed me. But I loved Barker; I didn’t want it to get in the way of our friendship. I lost the guys once—when Meg and Jake broke up—I really didn’t want to lose them again.

  “She’s trying, that’s for sure,” Meg responded, referring to the numerous attempts Gabby had made in trying to get me to forgive her. The multiple texts with sweet messages that I deleted. The “I’m sorry” cake that, okay, we did eat.

  “She makes it hard to hate her.” I sighed.

  “Do you ever think of what you’d do in that situation?” Meg looked over to me with one eyebrow cocked.

  “What, like if I saw Jake cheating on you?” I asked.

  “Yeah.”

  “I’d tell you. I’d call you right away,” I answered automatically, but when I thought about it, I realized how hard it would be. Telling Meg that Jake was with someone else? It would have killed her. Could I have been the one doing the murdering? For the first time, I started to see Gabby’s side.

  “Same here, of course, but I bet it is hard. Telling someone that their boyfriend is cheating.”

  “I know. And I know that’s why Gabby didn’t tell me,” I said, for the first time honestly. “It’s a touchy situation; I get that. But still.” I mulled Meg’s question over.

  “I saw her yesterday, and again she told me to apologize to you for her. Listen, she also said, and I found this interesting, she said she feels bad that she struck gold with Barker. Like she doesn’t deserve it or something. I don’t know.” Meg paused, and fiddled with her water bottle. “We always give her and Barker such a hard time about them being so cute and sweet together . . . maybe she felt bad because she does have it so good, and we, well, don’t.”

  “Maybe.” I pondered this. While all of that might have been true, it still didn’t make the situation any less awkward. “I guess we’ll see tonight.”

  “And I guess we’ll see what happens with you and Matt.” She nudged me with her elbow. “If anything else, this night deserves a bracelet,” she said, lifting her wrist up. I matched mine to hers and smiled, feeling a bit like a superhero. “Oh, hey, we should get going. I’m good to drive now.”

  “Okay,” I said, erasing Gabby from my mind and replacing her with happier images of crooked black-rimmed glasses, random notes, and hands being held.

  As she put the key in the ignition, she looked down at her wet clothes. “Ummm . . . we should probably change first.”

  “Yeah.” I looked down at my shirt. “My wet bra is kind of peeking through this shirt. We’ve had some amazing ideas tonight, mig
ht I say.”

  “Can we go back to your place? Grab some clothes?”

  “My parents think I’m spending the night at your place. How about yours?”

  “Oh. My parents think I’m spending the night at yours.”

  “So . . . wait. If both . . . where are we supposed to spend the night?” I questioned, nervously.

  “Oh shit.” She paused. “We’ll think of that later. Let’s just get a move on,” she said, waving off the question.

  “Where to? Everything is closed. And I really don’t want to go to One Spin in wet clothes.”

  “Well, there’s one place that’s still open.”

  I looked at her warily as she started the car.

  UNCORRECTED E-PROOF—NOT FOR SALE

  HarperCollins Publishers

  ..................................................................

  NOW

  11:15 P.M.

  Inside Evan’s house, Meg and I crash on the couch. By now, most of the people have left his party, save one guy playing a video game, and a couple of people hanging out in the corner. Evan pulls up a chair to join us.

  After we’ve told them about the night—in mostly full detail—they just stare at me.

  “So what are you going to do now?” Meg asks, not giving me any indication of what she’d prefer to hear me say.

  “Nothing?” I ask, but they stare at me until I’m more honest. “I don’t know. I hate this.” I lean back and close my eyes, hoping the answer will magically appear on my eyelids. “And I feel like I’m letting everyone down.”

  “Letting who down?” Meg asks, angling herself to face me.

  “You guys? Jake? I don’t know.”

  “Let Jake worry about Jake. Right now this is about you,” Meg says, taking my hand. I squeeze hers back in appreciation.

  “And it’s clear you still like him,” Evan points out, stretching his arms over his head.

  I turn to face him and furrow my brows. “I’m not sure how you came to that conclusion from my story. How I still like him?”

  “Ella, I’ve done this whole act before, trying to convince yourself you’re over someone when clearly you’re not. Hell, for half my life I convinced myself I didn’t like people I really did. It sucks. So don’t lie to yourself.”

  “I’m not lying to myself,” I say defensively, “I just don’t know what I want right now. He did a crappy thing, and I’m not exactly ready to say it’s all okay.”

  “Good, you shouldn’t be,” Meg interjects.

  “I just don’t know if it’s all worth it, especially with me leaving,” I admit, thinking about the look he gave me when I left the car. He was so disappointed.

  “Are you willing to risk finding out?” Evan asks.

  I think about what he asks, and honestly, I don’t know. He’s Matt.

  “Hey, where’d the boyfriend go?” Meg interrupts, realizing the absence.

  “Asleep. Actually, I should go check on him.” Evan stands up and frizzes my hair. “Let me know what happens. And El, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

  “Like kiss a girl?” Meg jokes.

  “Love you too, sis,” he says, his back to us as he walks back to his bedroom.

  Meg stares at me, squinting. “I wanted to wait until he was gone to yell at you.”

  “I knew you’d have an opinion on this.”

  “It’s bullshit, you know.”

  “Excuse me?” I ask, stunned.

  “Everything. Him keeping secrets, lying to you. About something so big, too. And, seriously, is it really that hard to make a phone call?”

  “That’s what I said,” I point out.

  “And, like, coming back here and hoping you’d take him back? After everything? Come on. You’re not that stupid.” I nod my head but her words kind of strike a chord. I’m not that stupid, but neither is she. And she’s taken back Jake loads of times.

  “I mean, I’m glad you got your closure and all, but it’s over now, right? Just leave it there. You’re leaving, anyway. College guys are in your future.” And even though I’m listening to her, and even though she’s saying the same things I said and thought earlier, it just feels different. Perhaps it’s because it’s coming from her. Perhaps it’s because it’s okay for her to go against her rules, but not me.

  “But what if he is really sorry? I mean, we all make mistakes.”

  “El, he’s so not worth it.”

  “And Jake is?” I cautiously ask.

  “What?” she asks, taking her hand away. “What does Jake have to do with this?”

  “Jake’s made hundreds of mistakes and it’s okay to take him back each and every time?” I’m not sure why I’m questioning her, but I need to know.

  “Jake and I have nothing to do with you and Matt,” she says quickly.

  “I know, but still. Why with him is it okay, but with Matt it isn’t. It’s not like I’m considering taking Matt back, but why can’t I, if I choose to?”

  “Then why are you even asking?”

  “I just want to know,” I say, standing up for myself.

  She straightens up and tilts her head to the side, a snake waiting to attack. “Jake’s different and you know it.”

  “Is he, though?” I ask, turning to face her, crossing my legs on the couch.

  “Yes. He’s part of us, part of our group. And he’s never done anything to hurt me on purpose.”

  “Meg,” I reason, “he’s flirted with other girls. In front of you. That’s okay?”

  “So what you’re saying is it’s not okay to flirt, but it is okay to just disappear and leave you worried for, like, a year?” she stammers.

  “No, I’m just trying to figure out how they’re different,” I continue, pushing her on. My cheeks are heating up. I know people are watching, but I don’t want to stop. “Every time Jake does something stupid, you forgive him, and I never stand in the way. Because I want what’s best for you, and what makes you happy. But Matt makes one mistake and we’re quick to toss him out?”

  “I thought you didn’t want him back,” she snaps, and she’s mostly right. I don’t even know why I’m arguing with her. But I just need to. I want to yell.

  “I don’t,” I say strongly, “but I at least want the option. I feel like you’re saying no without even giving him a chance. I’m always behind you every time you go back to Jake . . . I just want you to support me if I want Matt back.”

  “No, not when I think it’s a stupid idea. Not when I think you’ll get hurt again.”

  “Yeah, maybe I will, but maybe you will with Jake.”

  She presses her lips together and squints her eyes. Here goes.

  “Fine, do what you want. Go say yes to him, or whatever. But next time he disappears, don’t tell me that I was right. Because I’ll already know.” She sneers, and then stands up.

  “Meg—”

  “No, if you want to go back to him, go ahead. You value his opinion far more than mine, clearly,” she yells, throwing her bag on her shoulder and stomping toward the door.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” I ask, turning around to follow her.

  “I spend months making you feel better, and then he says two words and you listen to him?”

  “Meg, it’s not like that.” I’m used to her anger, I’ve seen it before, but it’s never been directed at me.

  “Then what is it like, Ella? Huh? Explain it to me.”

  “I always take your side, I always agree with you. I’m just trying to make my own decision for once, and I want you to be okay with it.”

  “Because I made all of your other decisions? It was my decision that you date Nick? And Matt?”

  “No, it’s just—”

  “Was it my decision that you move away to college?”

  “No!” I say, then pause. “Wait, is that what this is about?”

  “No, of course not,” she says, but I think it is. I think there might be more.

  “Meg . . . you know I’m not leaving becau
se of you, right? I just wanted—I just want to get away. To start over somewhere new.”

  “So? Go ahead and make your new life. Mine here will be just fine,” she says with a cross of her arms.

  “Meg—”

  “I’m going to find Jake,” she interrupts me. “Who’ll never just disappear. Who will tell me if something is up with his family. Who cares too much to do shit like that,” she yells before slamming the door behind her. I’m pretty sure everyone in the state heard her. I slouch back on the couch and crumble. A lump is forming in my throat, but I don’t want to cry. Not here.

  Does she think I’m going to disappear like Matt?

  Raking my fingers through my hair, I sigh. This was not how I wanted the night to go. This is not what I wanted to happen. Why was I fighting with her? Why did that just come out of me? Was it because I meant it, or was it something else? She is right, he did a crappy thing. But so has Jake, and she knows it. And now I’ve lost all of them.

  I don’t think my heart can handle any more of this.

  And I think back, again, to Matt leaving, and all of the secrets he held. I can see the truth behind Meg and Jake’s relationship, but how could I not have seen what was going on back then? How could I have been so blind to how Matt was feeling? There was the time at his house when his mom was in the kitchen, but didn’t even say hi. She just walked back up to her room, and Matt assured me she was feeling sick. He knew about Chris then, didn’t he? And when he said that, I knew I saw something else in his face, something more, but I didn’t want to ask because it seemed private.

  I should have asked.

  “Play?” the guy on the other side of the couch asks, handing me an Xbox controller. I eye him, wondering why he thinks I’d be interested in playing when my best friend just stormed out on me. When the love of my life is back and I can’t stand to be by him. But unlike them, this guy, this stranger, isn’t even looking at me. He’s not expecting anything from me. And for once, that feels kind of good. So I take the controller and press the Start button.

  He’s playing a game where a zombie invasion has taken over Earth. My job, as Player Two, is to kill all the zombies until only humans are left. I love video games—it’s sort of my guilty pleasure—so I figure, what the hell, and start. It might feel good to lose myself in something else.