Survivor Stories

by J P Barnaby

  Jude.

  Oh God.

  Ben’s stomach churned with a nauseated sick feeling at the thought of Jude reading his messages. He knew he should be upset that Jude had invaded his privacy like that, but all he could really make himself feel was guilt. Damn it, Jude couldn’t understand the need he had for the submission, the pain. His nightmares were getting worse again. He couldn’t stand watching Juliette’s murder over and over every night anymore. Only a good, hard session helped him sleep well enough to keep the dreams at bay.

  Kage had already picked up Justin, the little geek at the club, as a submissive. The status was plain as day on his FetLife profile. Ben needed another Dom. His only option at that point was FetLife. It wasn’t as if he could troll the clubs on crutches, or get Jude to take him downtown to a munch. He had no idea how to explain it to Jude, even to tell him what a munch was, much less how to make him understand. Jude had done so fucking much for him, and he was obviously upset by what he’d read.

  His thoughts were interrupted by the slamming of a tray on the table in front of him. The grilled cheese sandwiches slid sideways, half off the plate, but Jude just left them and went back into the kitchen. He came back just a minute later with a bowl of hot soup, which he set carefully on the tray next to the plate. A can of Coke completed the dinner, and Ben quietly thanked Jude. When they were both settled for dinner, Ben would try to talk to him about it. He sat back on the couch and waited for Jude to come back with his own plate. Only he didn’t. Jude took his own dinner and sat at the breakfast bar away from Ben.

  Cheese oozed out of the side of his sandwich when Ben picked it up, bringing with it the smell of butter and cheese. The comfort food reminded him so forcibly of his mother and home he had trouble swallowing past the lump in his throat. His mother used to make this very meal for him and Julie whenever anything was wrong in their lives. It had been one of Juliette’s favorites. He picked up the bowl of soup and stirred it slowly as the tears slid down his face. God, he wished it could make things better with Jude like it always had him and Julie at home. Only he knew it wouldn’t be that easy.

  “Can we talk about this?” Ben asked, not turning around to look at Jude, who sat silently behind him at the breakfast bar. The only indication that Jude had heard was the dropping of a spoon onto the bar. A small sigh followed, but no actual words. Ben took another bite of his sandwich, and then another. Jude refused to respond.

  Rather than pushing, Ben just finished his dinner.

  “Come on, I’ll help you into the shower,” Jude said, suddenly at Ben’s shoulder. He looked up, but Jude wasn’t looking at him. He had bent down to take Ben’s dishes. The scent of Jude’s cologne, mixed with his body’s natural smell, hung lightly in the air, and Ben’s eyes closed. Jude came back a minute later with the plastic bag they used to cover his brace and held out a hand to pull Ben up off the couch. He didn’t hold on that extra second like he usually did but let go immediately and handed Ben his crutches. The apartment felt cold around them with the loss of Jude’s warmth.

  Ben hobbled up the hall to the large bathroom between their bedrooms. Jude followed and waited while Ben pulled his shirt off. Anxiety radiated from Jude, who perched on the edge of the toilet and grabbed the waistband of Ben’s sweats. Jude’s proximity, the subtle scent of him, even the way his hair fell over his eyes as he jerked the sweats down made Ben’s cock swell. Half-hard, he turned quickly and started the shower before Jude could see his reaction. Ben had already fucked up their friendship once by not being able to control his fucking dick; he wouldn’t put it at risk again.

  Jude wrapped Ben’s brace with the plastic, taking care to put the thick, tight rubber bands around the top and bottom to keep water out. Trying to keep his half-hard dick hidden, Ben climbed carefully over the side of the tub and under the spray. The curtain fell closed behind him, and he could take a full breath. The hot water cascaded across his scalp, and he closed his eyes against the flow over his face. It felt like heaven. Careful to keep his brace out of the water, he grabbed the body wash from the ledge next to him and began to soap up.

  Still, Jude remained quiet.

  His erection waned with the guilt that weighed on his heart. By the time he got to soaping his hips and thighs, it was gone and he could wash up without rubbing one out with Jude next to him in the bathroom. That would have been another bad decision in a list of stupid ideas that started with getting high with Chris four years ago. God, he hated himself. His self-respect washed down the drain with the remnants of the soap.

  “Why are you looking for another Dom?” Jude asked as he pulled back the shower curtain and handed Ben a towel. Like shattered glass, his voice ripped across Ben’s soul. Ben dried his naked scalp, his face, his shoulders, and started on his torso before he dared to look up. Jude stood just a foot away, ready to help him if he needed, always there to help him, to support him. He couldn’t lie to Jude, not after everything he’d done.

  “Because a hard session helps me focus; it wears me out and helps me sleep. I can’t stand the dreams anymore. I can’t think anymore. The pain and discipline keep me grounded. I don’t know why I need it, but I do. Plus, it turns me on,” he added as an afterthought. Jude’s pale face flushed, and his eyes were pure fire. He grabbed Ben’s arm and turned him so he faced the sink. Ben’s hands slammed onto the surface to keep himself from falling. His knee wrenched from the quick turn, and he cried out. Jude slapped his ass hard.

  “Is that what you want?” Jude asked in a hard voice. “You want someone to beat you until you can’t stand?” He jerked his belt out of the loops on his jeans and doubled it around his hand, slamming it against Ben’s ass again three times in quick succession. Ben’s dick responded immediately, filling and hardening even as his mind worked to catch up with what was happening. He’d always been attracted to Jude, ever since they moved in together. The long-denied need, the craving for pain coupled with his desire for Jude, overrode any sense of caution. His back arched and he moaned, pushing his ass up, begging for more. Jude moved to the other cheek and hit him three times, bringing the blood to the surface, making his ass sensitive. It suddenly became his whole focus. All he could feel was the sting and tingle in his ass. No pain, no heartache, nothing, just the beautiful sexual ache. Carefully, he slid his feet farther apart on the damp tile floor, spreading himself wide for Jude.

  Jude made a low choked sound behind him and spanked him in earnest. First he slapped the right cheek, hitting the same spot over and over, making the sting deeper. Then he moved to the left, again focusing his strikes in one area. Ben’s cock ached from being so hard. His ass throbbed.

  “Harder,” he cried, half lying over the sink and offering himself up for more. God, he needed it. The spanking paused, and Ben was about to look back over his shoulder when he was hit with something hard on the back of his right thigh. He couldn’t tell what it was—not Jude’s belt—but the resulting pain made his leg jerk and his knee slammed into the cabinet beneath the sink. He nearly buckled but managed to stay on his feet, the tears streaming down his cheeks. The pain from the spanking was nothing compared to his knee.

  The same harsh implement smacked the back of his left leg, but Ben was more prepared for it and merely tensed his muscles with a throaty groan. God yeah, the insides of my thighs…. Please…. Another strike just above the first, and then another. He couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe—just feel. The tip of his cock leaked against the cool porcelain sink.

  “Is that what you want?” Jude asked in a whisper just behind his ear.

  “Oh God, yeah,” Ben moaned and tried to reach back for Jude, who moved away. “Fuck me, Jude…. Please….” Reaching back to run a hand over his ass, he arched his back; the trick always worked with…. No, he wasn’t going to think about Kage, he wasn’t going to give the man that kind of power. Kage had thrown him away.

  Jude would never throw him away.

  A trembling hand rested on his back just inches above his ass, still on fir
e from Jude’s blows. The click of something, probably lotion since neither of them kept lube in the bathroom, and then fingers rubbing his hole. Ben pushed back against them and tried to force them deeper, but the hand on his back stayed firm. Jude’s touch was so gentle, so different from anything he’d experienced. The slow scissoring opened him far easier than Kage’s cock ever had. The cold edge of the sink dug into his forearms, and he whimpered as the fingers slid out leaving him empty.

  “Please…,” he whispered.

  “Did he make you beg for him, is that why you do that?” Jude asked, his fingers stroking lightly up and down Ben’s back. “I won’t make you beg.” His voice still sounded off, hurt. Ben tried to turn around, but Jude was already sliding into him, stretching him, filling him with a thick cock. Tender hands caressed his naked hip as Jude pushed deeper with each slow, even thrust. The hot stretch, the friction of Jude’s skin rubbing inside him, stole Ben’s breath away. His chest tightened as he caught movement in the mirror. He wanted to watch Jude so badly, but couldn’t bring himself to look. Yet again, he’d fucked up their friendship by being selfish, by taking what he wanted no matter the cost.

  A warm, slick hand wrapped around his cock, and Ben lost his focus.

  JUDE TOOK his free hand from Ben’s hip and angrily swiped away the tears from his face. His eyes never wavered from the back of Ben’s neck; he refused look down and survey the damage he’d done. Harsh red splotches already shading with bruises littered Ben’s ass and legs, and Jude had put them there. Self-loathing rose in his throat like bile as the tears continued to roll. It shouldn’t have been this way. He didn’t think it would be flowers and candles, but a rough fuck over the bathroom sink after a beating had never once entered his fantasies.

  The worst part was how hard Ben’s reactions to the pain made him. Ben squirmed and arched and begged like he imagined the man would if Jude were rimming him instead of hitting him. He hated himself for liking it.

  Ben’s hand covered his on Ben’s bare hip and brought Jude back to the moment. He was making love to Ben, no matter what the circumstances. Finally, after years of jerking off alone in bed, of fantasies and wet dreams, after years of longing, he was fucking Ben. Pushing the guilt into the background to examine later, he concentrated on the man in front of him. Jude spread his fingers apart and Ben delighted him by entwining their fingers and holding his hand. No matter what the circumstance, Jude wouldn’t have traded that feeling for anything.

  “God, baby, that feels so good,” Ben moaned. Jude’s mind focused on one word—baby. He clung to it, filing the sound of it in his heart for those moments when he was alone again. Covering Ben’s smaller frame with his own, Jude leaned forward and kissed the back of Ben’s neck, losing himself in the intimacy of it. Ben surprised him by turning his head and seeking out his lips. When they met, muffled groans reverberated from the tiny bathroom walls, adding to the cacophony of erotic sounds.

  Ben whimpered against Jude’s lips as his entire body stiffened.

  “Please, can I come? Please? It feels…. God please?” Ben babbled as he alternated between fucking Jude’s slick, tight fist and driving his ass back onto Jude’s cock. Though Jude never wanted the moment to end, the tingling orgasm racing through his balls told him that it would. In the darker part of his mind, Jude considered making Ben wait, making him hold onto that feeling until his body ached with it and he knew how it made Jude feel. Instead, he twisted his grip over the head of Ben’s cock, tightening his grip, and whispered in his ear.

  “Come for me, honey.”

  Ben’s cry bounced off the mirror and shot straight down Jude’s spine. Jude watched their reflection and saw the passion play out across Ben’s handsome face. His eyes had slammed shut with Jude’s voice as he concentrated on doing what Jude told him to do. The rhythm of his hips faltered and stuttered. Jude compensated by driving into him. His arm ached from the constant motion, but he never slowed, and finally he was rewarded. Ben’s body tightened like a bow string, flexing under the weight of his orgasm, his ass tightening until Jude thought he might come just from the tension. The come erupted from Ben’s cock and covered Jude’s hand, making his grip slide easier and faster.

  The tight, wet heat, the whimpers, the smell of sex and Ben’s body wash, and the sight of Ben’s beautiful face contorted in pleasure were too much for Jude, who had been denied for so long. In his heart, he told Ben he loved him even though he could not say it aloud. Wrapping his arms around Ben’s waist, Jude rested his forehead between Ben’s sweaty shoulders, his heart bursting as he pushed deep and came. He felt his own hot breath against Ben’s skin as it exploded from his lungs in sharp exhalations of sheer joy.

  Leaving his arms around Ben’s waist, Jude kissed slowly down his lover’s spine, savoring the warm buzz from his orgasm. Loving Ben like that was more than he’d ever dreamed. Jude didn’t want to move, but Ben couldn’t be comfortable pinned to the sink. Gently, he pulled back and let his dick slide out with a wet pop and Ben’s low groan in the background. The sound would have made him hard again if he weren’t so wrung out. Ben’s weight shifted against the sink, and he started to slide.

  “I don’t think I can stand,” he said quietly. Jude grabbed the hand towel hanging on the rack behind him without letting go of Ben’s waist. Reaching around Ben, he wet one end and used it to clean them both and then used the other to dry them. He didn’t want Ben to sleep with come oozing out of his ass, though Jude could scarcely believe they’d just had bareback sex in the bathroom. With his mind and heart still reeling, he half lifted Ben, shouldering his weight as they made their way to Ben’s room.

  “Stay with me,” Ben whispered as Jude laid him gently on the bed, taking great care not to look at the blossoming bruises on Ben’s butt and legs. The quiet emotion in Ben’s voice pushed Jude into the bed with him without a second thought.

  And when Ben opened his arms, Jude crawled in with a silent prayer that the night would never end.

  Ten

  JUDE WOKE first. At some point during the night, Ben had spooned around his back. His breath was warm against Jude’s neck. The comfort it gave him rivaled the safety and security of having Ben’s arm tucked around his waist. Jude’s chest tightened as he wondered if he would ever wake like that again.

  “Mmm…,” Ben moaned against his skin and tightened the arm around his waist. Jude’s morning wood throbbed against the blankets, not helped by Ben’s erection against his back. Afraid to move, or even breathe, he stayed perfectly still, hoping the magic that had brought them together the night before would last. He never ever wanted to break the spell. It seemed to hold just a while longer as Ben rubbed his cock against Jude’s skin.

  “You feel good,” Ben whispered. Jude took a chance and glanced over his shoulder to see that Ben’s eyes were closed. He wondered if, in his dreams, Jude was the one he held. The question tortured him for several minutes until he pushed it away. He would take the affection Ben offered, no matter who it was meant for. Gently, trying not to wake Ben, he reached behind him and wrapped his fingers around the dick poking him. A low groan in his ear made his cock throb even as Ben’s hips moved slowly to fuck his hand. The hand on his abs fanned open, rubbing his skin. Snaking slowly upward until it flattened out against his chest right over his heart. Jude held his breath.

  “Ride me, Jude, please?” Ben’s voice, low and hot in his ear, sent an eruption of goose bumps up his spine. He still wanted Jude. God, please. Though Jude didn’t bottom often, he would bottom for Ben. He would do anything. He knew that with absolute certainty. The addiction, fueled to incredible heights with their new sexual relationship, was too strong for him to resist. Jude had no strength to deny Ben.

  “Lube?” Jude asked quietly, not wanting to break the stillness of the room. Ben rolled on top of him, reaching for the bedside table on his far side, and Jude closed his eyes as a spike of pure need took his breath. His hips jerked when Ben’s cock rubbed against his. It was better than any dream, any fan
tasy he’d ever had about them together. A drawer slammed to his left, and he glanced over to see the lube clenched in Ben’s fist.

  “I could have gotten that,” he whispered as he moved to let Ben lay back down. A sheen of sweat covered Ben’s body, and Jude wasn’t sure if it was from the heat or the effort to grab the lube without putting pressure on his bad knee. Ben’s fingers threaded into his hair and he forgot to care as their lips met.

  “I’m not an invalid. I can get the lube,” Ben murmured against his lips. Jude’s mouth opened to reply, but Ben seized the chance and slipped his tongue inside, and Jude’s mind emptied of everything but the feeling of Ben against him. His hard, compact body was smaller under Jude’s, but so solid. Ben had lost a little of his tone during his recovery, but not much. To Jude, he was perfect. Two clicks of plastic against plastic and a hot lubed hand wrapped around Jude’s cock as he struggled with the blankets to straddle Ben’s hips.

  Ben handed him the bottle of lube. His fingers warmed it a bit, but Jude shivered as the cool liquid touched his anus. The hot friction of Ben’s hand around his cock increased when he moved his hips forward and reached back for Ben’s dick. His hands shook slightly as he guided Ben against his hole. It had been a very long time since he’d bottomed for anyone, and the last few times hadn’t been all that pleasurable. A sharp breath froze in his lungs as he bit the bullet and lowered himself onto Ben’s shaft.